Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

[Neil_1]

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here.  Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end.  The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out.  Which I did.   I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well.  I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going.  I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well.  I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times.  But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps:  I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage.  I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, I was trying so hard to think of your mum's little dogs name and of course it's Tess, because my puppie before Moo-Moo was Tessie who I had for 18 years, and still to this day I miss her so very much, but I have covered Moo-Moo's ears as we often talk in doggie language, but your Tess has attached herself very well to you.

It's now time for me to logoff, but as they say in the classic 'I'll be back' by Mr. Schwarzenegger. Take care. Geoff..

[Blue_]

Oh Neil, I'm sorry to say I've only just seen this because I've been caught up in my own little world but now I would like to offer some words of support. I must be so hard to lose a parent. It can take a long time to get over a loss like that so it must be lovely having a little living piece of our Mum running around in the house to lift your spirits because dogs only want you to be happy so you can love them more haha. It's so great that you're going to the gym! Wow! So impressive. I can't even be bothered to go for a 20 minute walk. Take it easy, don't hold back any tears because you're quite entitled to cry as much as you want, relax.. even though depressed/anxious people don't really know the meaning of the word am I right? Haha. Do whatever comes close anyway and let your family be there for you. Sorry if I just repeated like what everyone else has been saying but I only read your posts. Your going to miss her and you may have needed her but I'm sure, when you're alone and feeling like you need her advice or to just talk to her you'd know exactly what she would say 🙂 She's still very much here in you and your family and her little Tess ❤️ I'd say get better soon but screw that and take as much time as you need 🙂 

[Mares73]

My precious friend Neil I'm so touched that you printed out what I said about how wonderful you are. It's not just me saying it-its a reality that you epitomize the "face" of Beyond Blue. Your ability to keep on giving even when your in dire straits yourself is exceptional. You amaze me with your capacity to give. The forums truly would feel like their foundation was gone if you weren't here. You inspire me & so many others through your words of comfort & wisdom. I have such faith, respect, love & gratitude for who you are as a person. I know while your around the forum is able to provide so much support as you lay the foundations for others to follow. Please believe what I've said. There is no one like you. In an ideal world you would be paid for the services you provide to Beyond Blue! In a long winded way I guess I'm saying you are "the face" behind all of BB campaigns for mental health, it's values & goals. You were the first person to reach out to me about 18 mnths- 2yrs & you've stayed by my side through every step of my journey. We seem to have had a big influx of new members lately & when I check to make sure someone has responded-its nearly always you. So thank you from bottom of my heart for all you give & for being the amazing friend that you are. Now time to check on you. How are you managing? Are u bk at wk? How are your moods & emotions at present? Just wondering how low your feeling? Are you managing to hold on & function even at a basic level? It's a harrowing time & I wonder what's keeping you going & how are you managing to function? I know u have immediate family but I also know the depths of pain we can live in whilst putting on the "ok" mask. Just wonder how u r coping with your grief-are u holding it in or do u have outlets? I'm concerned that your able to express your feelings as we both know what happens when we lock it away in ourselves-it finds a way to get through. I think of you each day & wonder how your truly coping at this tragic time. I know you rarely talk about yourself but pls Neil try trust in us here as we want to support you.Your such a special friend & I treasure that. Pls reach out about anything your finding difficult-thoughts, feelings, situations. We are all here for you & any part of what ur experiencing is worth sharing to get support at this time just as you so kindly provide to others. It would be an honor to support & care for you for a change. Sending my love & keeping you in my thoughts each day, Maresy

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy and so many other wonderful Beyond Blue friends;

I'm managing each day in a very low form.  What keeps me going?  I think there's a one word answer for that:  "beer".  Yes yes, I know that's perhaps not a good way to be, but when it boils down to it, the body needs to take in a lot of water each day and beer is full of water.  Dear folks, don't fear cause I do drink around 3 litres of water each day as well.

But finding things to keep me occupied is like so many other people - it's really hard.

I met up with a friend as I was going into the gym on Friday and she hadn't seen me for a while;  she's a massage therapist at the gym, and she asked how was and I told her and then for some reason, the tears welled up and they exploded out.  I lost it for a short while.  I don't think I've fully grieved yet for Mum and the loss and all that relates to that.  I've been able to get a few treasured things from Mum's house - long time family things that have so much meaning for me - it might sound odd, but Mum's clothes scissors (big black handles and a red knob on it for tightening it) and her secateurs as well as Dad's binoculars and a few other little knick knacks;  that are now in our home and they will be treasured forever.

One day is just running into the next and it's like I'm kind of on auto-pilot;  it's really kind of hard to find what zone I'm in - it's a little sad, it's a tenseness and a level of stress that I don't particularly like, but it's there;  it's a bit of anger.  But overall it's just a plodding sensation - I usually install goals into my life (as I tell others) but I cannot bring myself to do anything like that just yet.  I guess I'm just not ready.

It'll also be Mum's b'day on Wednesday.  😞   But she won't be caring or worrying about that now.

I've also had one session back with my psychologist, and that was pretty much just an unloading appointment - and I've got them locked in for each fortnight;  so my next one is this coming Thursday.

I also think it's my gym sessions, but I feel very worn out and tired.

But the more people I can reach out to here and assist, well, that just makes me feel a whole lot better inside.

Take care my dear friends,

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Neil

I m never sure whether or not it helps to hear of the experiences of others. I am writing my experience here because sometimes it does help to know that others have been or still are in the same place as you.

My mother died 15 years ago in England while I was in Oz. No chance of goodbye.. I did get to her funeral which in hindsight was not only remarkable but the best thing for me. I went back to work when I returned to Oz and for ages I would break down and cry at the most unexpected, and usually inconvenient, moments. As soon as I got home in the evening I would cry until I was exhausted. This lasted for six months before I could stop crying so frequently.

It was a long time until I stopped grieving so overtly. But I still grieve and wish mom was here with me. I have learned to manage without her, generally speaking, but there are times when I miss her so much it feels like a fresh dagger in my body.

Now I expect this is not the reassurance you want and I hate to think I am upsetting you needlessly. I want you to know I can feel your pain however different it may or may not be to mine. You have endured pain before and know it will not last forever in such an intense fashion. But that does not help the here and now. My dear Neil, let yourself grieve as much as you need. Sorrow needs to be expressed to help you heal. I found talking to my mom helped, though no doubt my family thought I was nuts. It was good for me.

As I wrote in my previous post, may God guide and keep you in this time of pain and struggle.

Love

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Mary

Thank you so much for your kind and lovely post – and the sentiments that you were able to share about your mum.   I believe that this is what is so remarkable about this site – in that people can feel comfortable in sharing their own experiences with others;  and they do so in the knowledge that it will be received in the same kind and caring manner as it should be. 

As such, I’m really pleased that you shared and the thought that you upset me is the furtherest thing from my mind.  It was a lovely story, but obviously sad as well and I’ll try to say this as best I can (but you’ll know what I mean deep down) in that, it’s comforting to know that others who’ve faced these kinds of heart-breaks are out there and are willing to share.  I’m going round and round in a circle here, but the roundabout has an exit point soon – I’m sure of it.

(For those of you who are “Chevy Chase and Vacation fans – in particular European Vacation):  “Look kids, there’s Big Ben – Parliament”.

Now this is neither here nor there, but I have no belief in God or anything to do with that – but hey, that’s just me.  Everyone is cool to believe or disbelieve as they wish. 

The pain of death is always severe and it hurts so badly.  But unfortunately death is a part of life and so we must cope with it as best we can when it strikes;  because it will strike – again and again;  and the knowing of how things were previously means absolutely bugga all, cause when it happens again, the pain, the heart-break, the suffering is as bad and damaging every time.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend and Tess my gorgeous little light as a feather, there are so many ways which we can assimilate with the ones that we have lost over the years and no one will ever know those dark secrets that we hold, because these are too precious to us that only us will relate to, and I have one, as I am wearing my precious Mum's chain around my neck, it's silver and a bit chunky, although I have shortened it, but nobody knew what or why I was wearing it, until I told them.

My sister got all Mum's gold chains and even she didn't recognise who it was from, but to me I will be wearing this chain as a momento and I do give it a kiss every day.

We all have our treasured items that we keep for ever, and Neil I know that you have got some, as you have mentioned.

Take care. Geoff.

[Mares73]

My precious friend Neil just checking in to see how your coping today. I know tomorrow will be a tough day being your mums birthday & I'll be thinking of you as I do each day. I totally understand that feeling of being lost, immobilized by grief as if time is standing still. It's a very unsettling head space to be in but still it's all part of the grieving process. I don't want to write an essay tonight-just wanted to ask how your feeling & do you have any plans for tomorrow? Sending you love & hugs, Maresy xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

Thank you for your kind thoughts with your latest post, and to Geoff for your comments about treasured little pieces - to so many people they'd mean nothing, but to us, the meaning, the closeness, the background is largely beyond words.  Simple things, but so valuable.

I had a sad day yesterday.  I think I went through it in the arve especially with kind of red eyes.  But it's all a process and everyone has just got to get up and put one foot in front of the other;  keep breathing, and continue to move forward.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, we can only move forward at our own pace, because people who try to push us more than we can cope with, have no understanding nor any idea of what you have been through.

Encouraging us is totally different, because these people are staying with us along our journey of despair, and to those that ignore us are just blatant lousy snobs, to put it nicely.

Neil, you won't be able to get over all of this, but you will learn on how to cope and then absorb the pain that you are going through right now, and when this can happen is only up to you, there doesn't have to be any time frame, and nor should there ever be one. Geoff.