Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

[Neil_1]

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here.  Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end.  The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out.  Which I did.   I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well.  I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going.  I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well.  I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times.  But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps:  I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage.  I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

[Tinker69]

Dear Neil,

You do not know me but I feel like I know a lot about you, you see, I lurk in the shadows, reading your posts and the others posts such as White Knight and Mares. The advice and support that you give so unconditionally is so inspiring, it resonates with so many people. Now it is your turn to be held close and have all the wonderful people on BB show you how loved you are. I can not begin to comprehend the anguish you are feeling now. I was so moved by your loss that I was compelled to login and try to let you know that so many people are wanting to give you a hug and try and ease your pain. 

I am not sure whether this might ease some of your pain in the future, or it might be too painful to even consider - some people plant trees or roses in memory of their loved ones. They choose plants that reflect their loved ones personality the best. When the flower blooms you can remember the person it represents and hopefully smile a little every year. They even have plants that have names that are meaningful, you could find a plant with your mother/father/brothers names. 

You are loved. I am sending a hug your way.

tinks

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, my dearest and sincerity sympathy for you goes without even having to say so, but I well and truly needed to say it without any hesitation.

The both of us have been through too much over the past few years, but life has no mercy, it's too cruel, all the traumatic events it pulls us through, as it just wants to test us through all this agony and pain, so life is not fair, it has no consideration for anyone, and now it's punishing you and your family.

You are your mum's pinnacle of honour, someone she always treasured, adored and had the highest respect from what you have been through and her admiration will be carried on by you.

The eulogy which you had written I know was one of love, fondness and the little secrets she had you may have shared with the sadness of her adored friends.

Cry, my friend, you will need time to be able to overcome this sad occasion, you have your lovely daughter and wife who will also need time to recover, as we know this is so difficult to handle

I have cuddled many men in times of hardship, whether they are family members or friends, and would feel no shame in doing the same for you.

You need time to grieve, and time is an open capsule.

Take care my friend. Geoff.

[Snoman]

Hi Neil,

I lost my mum to yet another brain tumour early this year, and my dad 2 years before to a stroke.  It hasn't been long enough for me to deal with it.

I still want to ring my mum to tell her something.  I still expect her to call.

I often notice my mannerisms that I inherited from my dad.  I have his nose, jaw and forehead.  I can't stop seeing him in the mirror.

I will always treasure them in my heart.  Like WK said, that was their wonderful legacy to me.

My psych told me older people can still feel like orphans when they lose their parents.  That is how I feel.

It sounds to me like you did your parents proud.  You obviously had wonderful parents.  You were lucky to have them, and they were very lucky to have you, and they knew it.  Your mum would have appreciated all the time you gave her, especially in her last days.

When you get to that point in your life, your lovely daughter will be there to support you again as you have supported her many times as she grows up.  You will then better appreciate the joy and gratitude your parents had for you being there for them at the end.

You have been a good son.

Hugs from me too. 

Tony (Sno)

[Neil_1]

I would just like to "Thank everyone" from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful, kind and caring messages of support to me.

My "own" family of my partner, my 16yo son and 14yo daughter have been awesome in their support to me.

We have also taken on board my Mum's 15yo Silky Terrier (and amazingly enough Geoff, this little one's name is Tess).  As you could all imagine with Mum's health being so bad for so long, little Tess was quite a matted mess when we collected her.  But she has settled in so well, and with our other dog, Jack - he's done so well with her as well - still a little watchful, but that's understandable after being the "Numero Uno" for all of his 9 years.

We arranged one of those mobile dog washing/grooming thingys to come around and now she is looking pretty damn good - very different.

We think she's got quite bad arthritis, so we'll be arranging for a vet to look at her as well - but she does get about reasonably well - and she seems really happy.  Mum never allowed her in, but here we love our animals inside (well, dogs only), and she's loving being inside.  She's also as deaf as a post - has been for a few years, but apart from that, she's a little ripper.

It's one week today since Mum's funeral.  I was aiming to get back to work today, but will try to get there tomorrow.

No matter what I do each day, I have this awful dark black cloud hanging over me all the time.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my dear friend, one of a list of many, how great it is to see your name on this forum, it's been such an agonising and so hurtful few years for you that we can't fill for you, but we can only lay a bridge across the road for you to help you cross it, just to let you know that when you fall we will catch you, and bring you back to safety, because you do have angels always doing their best to protect you from all the hurt that you have endued.

Another Tess and that's just beautiful, I still miss my Tessie so much, and now I have Moo-Moo who is also beautiful and her little quirks, but the vet will know about injections for her bad arthritis, but this reply is not about this, and I can reply about this later on, but she will love all the attention your family give her.

If this is OK to say that we do know the hardship that you are feeling, but it's never the same than to go through it personally, and while I type this Moo-Moo is asleep next to me snoring in such a way that anybody would love to hear.

My friend, nice to hear back from you and remember you do have angels, but now it's time for me to log off.  Geoff.

[Jo3]

My dear friend Neil

It is nice to hear back from you even though I know you are still struggling and grieving.  I'm lost for words, I don't know what else to say but pls know that I am thinking of you and your family.  

Take care Neil

Jo xxx

[Doolhof]

Hi Neal,

Welcome back to the family here at BB. I am sure the grief process will take a while to work through, I know for myself from different losses, it is not always easy to keep going and pull your socks up so to speak.

Take each day as it comes, do what you can and reach out to people when you need to. Loosing a loved one is never easy, I hope all the wonderful memories of both your parents will help to ease your pain and sadness.

Little Tess sounds like a treasure. She will certainly love being inside. She is lucky you are able to take her in to love and care for her.

Thinking of you Neil, from Mrs. Dools

[NicoleP]

Welcome back Neil. I have missed you.

Love Kezza

[Darkness_amp_Beyound]

Dear Neil,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved to relieve the pain of grief. It is a process that we all have to go through, but one that never get easier as our lives continue. 

Sometimes when I find myself going through particularly hard times (but still manage to get out of bed) I go outside at night time and look at the stars. I find the brightest star that night and watch it. Sometimes i close my eyes and imagine the star is my long lost love, or my Grandmother, or any number of friends I have lost along the way,. I pretend the star's light is their arms wrapping around me. And if a slight breeze should happen to pass my ears i hear the whispered words 'I am right here, loving you always'. 

It is no magic "cure" for grief, but a moment.. a tiny tiny moment where I can imagine being close to them one more time. 

I hope I have not sounded silly in any way and somewhere between the rambling the intend of my words can be heard. 

My condolences to you and your family. 

[Mares73]

My dear friend Neil, you are in my thoughts everyday. I hope it's okay to say this but when my Dad died I cried my heart out yet I felt completely numb to everything else. I existed on autopilot for a long time. It's as though time stops & all there is is pain & a knowledge you'll never be the same. We all have our own ways of dealing with grief. I felt immobilized like I couldn't ever imagine feeling my usual self again. I can't imagine how your coping, feeling or managing. It's kinda beautiful you have little Tessie.  I miss you Neil & am here for you only wishing I could do more. With you in spirit, big hugs xx Maresy xx