Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

Neil_1 · ‎21-10-2014

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here. Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end. The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out. Which I did. I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well. I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going. I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well. I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times. But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps: I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage. I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

HA1 · ‎21-10-2014

Hello Neil

My thoughts are with you. I am glad the funeral service went well, that is important.

I can't say that I know how you feel - but both my parents are very elderly, and quite unwell. I am trying to prepare myself but I think that is impossible.

take care of yourself

K

Jo3 · ‎21-10-2014

Dear Neil my friend

I am so sorry to read that your dear mum has passed. I am thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. Pls take care of yourself.

Sending you a big warm hug

Jo xxx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎21-10-2014

Dearest Neil,

I don't know what to say, but I need to say something. I cannot I agine the pain you are going through. I have never lost any close family, or any family. It speaks so well of your courage that gave eulogies for all of the funerals you have had to attend and I am sure you gave them the send off they would have wanted.

I understand your emptiness. I understand your silence. You are entitled to it. But please Neil, if the silence is eating you, consuming you and you are drowning in it; then talk to us. Don't worry about our problems unless it helps you. Take care of yourself so you can come back to us when you are ready.

We are always here to listen.

Your friend,

GA

Doolhof · ‎21-10-2014

Dear Neil,

Would just like to say that I am thinking of you and have great sympathy for you regarding your loss and the grief you are feeling.

My parents are still alive, so I do not understand the pain and sense of loss you are feeling now they have both died, and your brother as well.

I do understand grief to a point, as my husband and I buried two stillborn children and I suffered 3 miscarriages as well.

I experienced a feeling of wishing the world would stop for a while, so I could get off and just try to understand and comprehend what had happened. I know of the days when you feel like you are drifting and don't really know what to do or think.

Take all the time you need to feel your way into your new circumstances. Remember the wonderful time you had with your family, especially with your Mum.

Allow yourself the time to grieve, cry when you need to and don't feel at all guilty about laughing.

I don't have the words to take away your pain and sense of loss. Myself and others may actually say things that hurt and upset you, please realise that we only wish you the best and hope in time your grief and pain will be less.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

Mares73 · ‎22-10-2014

My dear friend Neil, you are in my thoughts each day. There is absolutely nothing appropriate in words to express how deeply I feel for the pain & grief you are experiencing. I so wish there was something more I could offer as support. But I'm limited to words-which don't convey the unbelievable grief you are currently experiencing. I do know from my experience of my father's death, that feeling numb, feeling as though time has stopped & a sense of not being able to comprehend anything else is relatively common. There is no time frame for grief, your on an seemingly endless roller coaster of feelings & just allow yourself to be how you are. There are no set ways for this level of pain. I can only offer my deep sorrow to you & that I will keep you in my thoughts each day, lighting my candles as a symbol of my great care for you & your loss. All my love X Mares

NicoleP · ‎22-10-2014

Dear Neil,

I am very sorry to hear what you have been through - I wish I could make it all better for you. It sounds as though you and your mum had a beautiful relationship - one to be truly cherished. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you and your daughter.

Love Kezza xxxxx

white knight · ‎22-10-2014

Hi Neil,

Words never seem to help fill the void, that loss that we humans cannot come to terms with.

Our day to day lives get a jolt when these things happen. We realise our own ultimate destiny is....the same and our loved ones going before us seems, odd that we should endure such pain.

Fact is, I lost my wonderful dad in 1992, 22 years ago. And think of him nearly every day. No point in sprucing it up, I feel it is in his honour that I think of him that often. My legacy? is for my wonderful daughter to think of me in a similar vein.

A quiet simple solo legacy. For we struggle to own our home, eat good food, work at our jobs and be an upstanding member of the community....all of which means zilch when our time comes...except our legacy, what we desire to leave behind.

So my friend Neil, words dont help much but your dear mum left you her legacy, her love, and now you'll one day do the same....that is something to live for.

Stuck14 · ‎22-10-2014

My dear friend Neil,

I am so very very sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I wish there was something that we could so to help ease your pain. Just know that you are in my thoughts an heart. I'm sending you much love an many hugs. An try not to be hard on yourself. This is a time when you do what you need to an we are all here when you want an need someone to talk to.

gmc · ‎22-10-2014

Dear Neil,

I understand the pain must be very high, but the one thing I can say right now is that you have my thoughts with you and I send you a big hug. I hope you have the strenght to move forward and think about that you mom would want you to be good.

Keep strong, Neil.