Dear Ms-B,
Sometimes life is unbelievable what it throws at us isn’t it, one thing after another. I felt broken beyond repair too in mind, body and spirit, so I hear you and feel for you. I’m glad you have those supports in place. I have found I’ve had to be super gentle and kind with myself which I actually struggled with for much of my life. I think where there is a trauma history we are often actually hard on ourselves, we’ve kind of been wired that way by our experiences. But I’m slowly finding that as I let go of past burdens spaces open up for some positive experiences to come in. I’ve found the shift towards healing is one very small step at a time. So not trying to solve the big picture or worrying if you will ever heal, but just making small steps each day towards recovery.
For me that has been things like accepting my exhaustion level and actually letting things go some days. So it might be I can cook dinner but simply not do my dishes and need to crawl under a blanket. Or completing a small task at home then going somewhere in nature to rest next to the ocean or under some trees and feel the present moment there. Or patting a cute dog I meet which no matter how horrendous I was feeling beforehand, always leaves me feeling lifted and at least a little better. It’s kind of like returning to the simplest things and just being present with those things. I don’t know if that resonates?
Is there anything you feel drawn to in your heart and love doing? Or did once love doing? I know sometimes with depression in particular we can lose the joy we once had in doing certain things. But I have found it is possible to reconnect, even though for a while it felt like things were dead inside.
Depression I’ve found is like chronic stuckness. I don’t know if it feels like that for you. I recently kind of broke out of feeling frozen by going on two road trips, which really did something to shift my nervous system. So I think changing things up can sometimes help too, giving ourselves new experiences that engage our curiosity. I don’t know if this is something your support worker could help you with?
I’m so sorry it’s been such a struggle. I think there is a wisdom that grows out of trauma including learning to be compassionate towards ourselves. I know that can be hard to see at times. But I think there is a gradual, gentle process of healing that can happen. I hope that might help to trust a bit that no matter how broken you feel, you can start to mend.
Wishing you much kindness and support and feel free to chat more if you want to.
