persistent depression is killing me

[Giggyy]

I have been depressed for almost a full decade now and im under 20 years old, I have some ok days but it never lasts. I've been suicidal since i was 12, so I've lost most of what should have been some of the happiest teenage years of my life. I always end up feeling empty and exhausted all the time. I cant keep up with my studying and my living space is a total mess. I feel like my only friends are slipping away from me because I am so hopeless and it annoys them to see me looking so miserable all the time, they try to cheer me up but i am beyond help and i can see them getting irritated. they dont talk to me much anymore and they are all i have left. I am so tired and I feel like my life is already over and Im just waiting for the end, I just want to feel happy because I truly dont seem to remember what its like 

[indigo22]

Hi Giggyy,

Thank you for letting us know a little about yourself, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time and feeling so low at the moment.

I can relate to what you are feeling and I know it feels like you are never going to get out of the hole you are in.

I am now in my 60s but the depression I deal with started at about 12, the problem was I didn't know that was what was going on with me. I thought I was just born like that and I wasn't like everyone else, I didn't fit in.

I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s, so I understand the feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, struggling to keep up, feeling exhausted. My living space has always been a total mess so I understand that as well. I understand now that the reason for this is two fold, it is a reflection of how we feel inside and a result of always feeling exhausted. I would like to give you support through this challenging time so if you feel comfortable, please keep this conversation going.

Have you been diagnosed as yet? Are you getting any support from family? Have you had any counselling as yet? Have you called the help line service, at Beyond Blue or elsewhere, to get some support?

Your life is not over, it is just beginning and you are not hopeless, you are just struggling to deal with a lot of emotions you don't have tools to deal with yet.

If you are willing to allow me to help, please let me know the answers to the above questions so I know how to advise you going forward.

Sending you a huge hug,

indigo22

[Giggyy]

thank you so much for responding it means a lot 🙂 . I have been diagnosed, was told my depression was severe at a young age and was put on medication; but my parents made me stop taking it because they dont like the idea of medication especially cause i was young, so no i dont get support from my parents 😞 . I did try therapy but it was mostly for my anxiety which has since gotten better, but for some reason i froze up whenever I wanted to talk about my depression. And i use online counselling a bit too when im feeling really bad, it does help

[indigo22]

Thank you Giggyy,

I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from family, that just makes it harder for you, I didn't get support with my family either. I am glad that you are calling the help lines when you feel the need and it's good to hear that it helps. I am also glad to hear that your anxiety has improved. I just have a few more questions based on what you have told me.

What age were you when you were diagnosed with depression? How long were you on medication for? How did you feel when you were on medication, was it helpful? Are you now at an age where you can make the decision yourself?

indigo

[Maisy Nina]

Oh love, that is so difficult, I can really relate to your situation. I have had depression since I was 12 and anxiety since 18. I am now in my mid-forties. I agree with the advice that Indigo22 has given you. I know it isn't for everybody, but I needed to be medicated from age 19, although I am certain that it should have happened earlier, and I will likely always need that medication, just like a type 1 Diabetic needs insulin.

I know how hard it is to feel like family and friends don't understand and are slipping away, but you are SO worth fighting for and deserve support, via whatever means that can happen. I spent almost 3 months in hospital as a teenager for mental health treatment and I just wanted it all to end, but as teary as I was and as difficult as it was, I made it through and I believe that it took the help of many physicians, nurses, what friends I still had and family that at least tried to understand me and my condition to help.  Reach out and get as much support and make as many connections as you can, we were not created for isolation, we need others even if we don't want them at the time.

Please check in with the forum regularly, sending lots of squishy hugs and blessings to you sweetie 🤗 Take care!! xo

[Giggyy]

thank you for being so sweet and talking to me . 🙂

I was diagnosed at 13 after my parents took me to a gp because i was missing school constantly, my meds were terribly managed when i was younger because i didnt really have any say, my parents decided when they wanted me to stop/swap.

My depression was better when i was medicated, but my anxiety got worse and i felt sick all the time - but i really think it was the stopping/swapping/starting that caused it cause i never really got a chance to get used to any of them.

I am old enough now to choose whether i want medication; but when I tried to explain my situation to a GP he wouldnt listen and didnt understand why my medication was stopped in the first place because my parents didnt tell the doctors (they stopped me cold turkey) so he didnt want to prescribe me (which makes sense) - but that experience scared me off, and i had to rely on my friends to take me to my appointment as i cant drive so i dont want to have to ask them again 😞 

[Giggyy]

Thank you for the kind words it means so much to me 🙂 ❤️ 

[Maisy Nina]

I just know you will get there... be patient and kind with yourself too xo

[indigo22]

Thank you for filling in the blanks for me Giggyy, I really appreciate that you are allowing me to help. You don't have to go through this alone so anytime you want to talk I will be happy to listen and help in whatever way I am able to.

I think you are right about the stopping and starting having an affect on how you felt physically, depression meds should not be stopped cold turkey. Since you are old enough and you don't drive, could you look into a telehealth conversation with a different GP, someone who has experience with mental health. This might take a little bit of research on your part, but I think it is worth trying again and making sure they hear you this time. If you are not able to find a suitable GP on your own, you could give the help line a call and ask if they can suggest a way to locate someone suitable. There are also counsellors that you can see via telehealth which would make it easier for you. You said that you had difficulty opening up about your depression, was that because you were young and couldn't verbalise your feelings, or perhaps were not comfortable with the counsellor you were seeing? It is a very personal thing finding the right counsellor to work with, if you are not comfortable with them, you will not get much benefit from the sessions. It also does not necessarily need to be a psychologist either, I got help from a social worker for a number of years before and after going on to meds when I was in my 40s, in fact she was the one who helped me to understand that I had been dealing with depression all that time. So if you decide to go down the counselling path again, make sure the person is the right one for you and don't be afraid to speak up if that is not the case, you have every right to try someone different. I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

Hope you have a restful night 💜

indigo

[therising]

Hi Giggyy

I can't help but wonder whether you're a sensitive person who's able to sense easily and deeply and in greater ways than most people around you. If so, the ability to sense in such intense ways can feel more like a curse than anything else. I also can't help but wonder whether most of the people around you don't try to get a better feel for how you're feeling so many challenging elements in life. One of the greatest things about the forums here is there are so many incredible and beautiful people here who try so hard to get a feel for how others are feeling.

To put a different spin on heightened sensitivity, can you often sense what's depressing? Can you physically feel downshifts and maybe even occasional up shifts? Can you feel people bringing you down vs feeling people raising you? Have you always been able to sense what feels like incredibly boring school work and your inability to manage what's boring or unrelatable in the way it's delivered? Can you sense other people's agitation and/or stress, like when you walk in a room or when someone's speaking to you? Can you easily sense tone, body language and the overall vibe of a person? Can you sense no one raising you in a lot of the ways you need to be raised? Can you feel a lack of inspiration, what that feels like? Can you sense no one raising your consciousness, leading you to greater, positively mind altering and exciting levels of self understanding? Can you sense a lack of solid direction and/or a seriously depressing lack of energy? Can you feel your inner dialogue (one of the toughest things to feel at times)? Just a handful of things sensitive people can sense/feel. Can be a seriously long list. Sometimes it becomes a depressing list, especially when there's no one else to feel those things with, when there's no one who can relate. This can help explain what it means to be feeling alone.

If you are sensitive and have perhaps always been this way, have you ever wondered why no one else you know is able to feel in the ways you can? Have you ever wondered what's wrong with them?