My world is falling apart
Hi I am new here. I have major depressive disorder amongst many other mental health issues and have been suffering on and off for most of my adult life. I am 40 now. I do understand the root of the majority of my mh issues are from complex trauma. I have been through some horrific things, not sure how I survived to be honest.
Logically I know that things can get better because I worked really hard on my mh in my 20s and as a result I got better.
But I had a lot of significant things happen a few years ago and my life has fallen apart again, this time much much worse than before.
i live in a very dark world. My head is constantly switched on and does not stop. It is relentless. It feels like torture the things that I have to try and manage on a daily basis.
I think that is enough.
thanks for reading
I'm so sorry to hear about all the trauma you've experienced and can totally understand that it is so difficult to turn off your thoughts. But thoughts are not real. Often our minds want us to relive past traumas and, although this is hard to control, it serves no purpose.
You need to be congratulated for being strong enough to have survived. You need to praise yourself for your resilience and above all, you need to love yourself.
What do you enjoy doing Ms-B? Do you like to luxuriate in a warm, scented bath? What music do you like? How about time outside, feeling the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze? Do you like cooking nourishing meals?
I have found that keeping myself occupied helps to control negative thoughts and keeping contact on this forum may be useful too. I hope you will continue to post and wish you peace of mind.
I also have complex trauma from both childhood and adult experiences. I know it can be really hard to navigate. I am 48 now. At 45-46 I was at the darkest point of my whole life and almost didn't get through it, so I understand it can be extremely hard in ways that can not even be expressed in words. But slowly I have been in a process of recovery since then. I just kept reading and learning everything I could to help myself and I eventually found a good psychologist I have been working with since the middle of last year.
Do you have any supports around you? Are you getting any counselling/therapeutic support? If you did need someone to talk to I can recommend The Blue Knot Foundation as they specifically assist people with complex trauma. I have called them once during a panic/dissociative episode and the woman I spoke with was very understanding and good to talk to. She helped me ground myself again. They can also help put you in touch with practitioners who deal with complex trauma. There are supports out there but I know it can feel very lonely and a real struggle at times.
Take care and get back to us if you would like to chat.
Thanks Eagle- Ray
yeah trauma is rough. It’s hard to navigate. I’ve been trying to get through it most of my life and when I feel like I am finally starting to get somewhere with it bam… something new to deal with. Life has been pretty unfair. I ask myself so much what did I do so wrong to deserve all of this??? I’m sure I am marked.
yes I have psychological supports in place. I have a newish psychologist. A psychiatrist. And a support worker. I don’t know if any of them will be able to help me though. I feel so broken. Broken beyond repair.
Sometimes life is unbelievable what it throws at us isn’t it, one thing after another. I felt broken beyond repair too in mind, body and spirit, so I hear you and feel for you. I’m glad you have those supports in place. I have found I’ve had to be super gentle and kind with myself which I actually struggled with for much of my life. I think where there is a trauma history we are often actually hard on ourselves, we’ve kind of been wired that way by our experiences. But I’m slowly finding that as I let go of past burdens spaces open up for some positive experiences to come in. I’ve found the shift towards healing is one very small step at a time. So not trying to solve the big picture or worrying if you will ever heal, but just making small steps each day towards recovery.
For me that has been things like accepting my exhaustion level and actually letting things go some days. So it might be I can cook dinner but simply not do my dishes and need to crawl under a blanket. Or completing a small task at home then going somewhere in nature to rest next to the ocean or under some trees and feel the present moment there. Or patting a cute dog I meet which no matter how horrendous I was feeling beforehand, always leaves me feeling lifted and at least a little better. It’s kind of like returning to the simplest things and just being present with those things. I don’t know if that resonates?
Is there anything you feel drawn to in your heart and love doing? Or did once love doing? I know sometimes with depression in particular we can lose the joy we once had in doing certain things. But I have found it is possible to reconnect, even though for a while it felt like things were dead inside.
Depression I’ve found is like chronic stuckness. I don’t know if it feels like that for you. I recently kind of broke out of feeling frozen by going on two road trips, which really did something to shift my nervous system. So I think changing things up can sometimes help too, giving ourselves new experiences that engage our curiosity. I don’t know if this is something your support worker could help you with?
I’m so sorry it’s been such a struggle. I think there is a wisdom that grows out of trauma including learning to be compassionate towards ourselves. I know that can be hard to see at times. But I think there is a gradual, gentle process of healing that can happen. I hope that might help to trust a bit that no matter how broken you feel, you can start to mend.
Wishing you much kindness and support and feel free to chat more if you want to.
i replied to your post earlier and it said pending for moderation but it hasn’t come up. Not sure what happened there 🤔
I am very familiar with the whole thoughts are not real, but it doesn’t really make things any easier. They are still there and they are still relentless.
I personally hate the word resilience. I wish I never had a reason to be so resilient.
keeping myself busy is important for me too. It stops me from hurting myself. But it certainly does not stop my thoughts from churning over and over. I enjoy painting, building Lego. I have a lovely garden, which unfortunately gets neglected a lot when I don’t have the motivation to attend to it and with the warmer weather on its way it will need extra care. I absolutely hate summer. I am not looking forward to it at all.
I do like to listen to music while doing the above. A bit of Pink, Taylor swift… music like that.
Feel myself sinking further and further into a deep hole. I don’t feel supported enough by my team and I don’t know how to communicate with them that I am struggling so much. I’ve told people, but there is never any follow up. Sometimes it feels like I am talking to a brick wall and then they question me and I am treated like crap when I end up doing something to myself.
I feel so worthless. A waste of space and resources.
That sounds really tough. I’m wondering if you are not feeling supported at times by your team if it would help to call a helpline to debrief with someone to see if it de-escalates how you are feeling and just gives you another perspective? It might help you to feel heard. There is the BB helpline and Lifeline. There is also the Blue Knot Foundation who assist people with complex trauma. Unlike the others they are not 24/7, so available from 9am-5pm Eastern States time. They work a bit differently so they will take one call from you a week for up to 45 minutes. It just might be another option to help you emotionally regulate when things get tough. I have called all of the above services at different times when I needed to talk to someone as a way of grounding myself again when really struggling.
It was lovely to read about your interests of painting, building Lego, gardening, Taylor Swift and Pink. My garden gets neglected too, as much as I want to do more to take care of it.