My Anxiety has turned into Depression. I don't know what to do.

[Moonstruck]

My anxiety seems to have turned into depression that I am not so familiar with.

The past few weeks have had added major traumas/stressors -instead of panic, which I had to control to deal with them then and there I have profound sadness which is not like me. Not the "me" others know anyway. I awake each morning with tears not far away and then they come almost straight after getting up.

I desperately want to ring a friend and say "I am so depressed, I am so sad". The first thing they say is "Why?" and then try and cheer me out of it and begin telling me how THEY are! I put on too good a front you see. This is not the "Moonstruck" they have known for years , they just don't SEE me.

On "R U OK" day no-one asked me! Perhaps a good thing, because I would have told them and they'd have laughed and invited me over to the Club to cheer me up!

When someone takes the ultimate "way out", harms themselves, I won't use the "S" word in case my post won't appear or something , someone always says "Why didn't he/she say something? Why didn't they ask us for help? Why didn't they tell me, Why didn't I see the signs?" I feel like yelling "They DID ask for help, they DID give signs, they DID tell you, there were HEAPS of signs they were in serious trouble...and you Laughed, or brushed it off, or didn't take them seriously.".

"You just couldn't believe such a lovely, capable, "together" person who was coping so well with the ups and downs of life, was TRYING to let you know, you just didn't hear them".

Moderators I am not in danger of doing anything desperate today. I would never leave such a legacy to my kids or grand-kids...just wanted to make a point...because I want to ring a friend and can already anticipate that they will simply not hear what I am saying. I have an appt with psych tomorrow and have a similar worry that I appear so socially OK she won't "get it" either! (my job and whole life journey has required me to be skilled socially and verbally eloquent with excellent communication skills..not always evident on here I realise.....but it does sabotage me a bit when I desperately need comforting)

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

I found when I started crying everday, and I couldn't stop even around my kids, it wasn't normal. I couldn't get myself out of that dark hole. People here helped but I needed my GP's advice and for me the right advice was ADs. Go talk to your GP Moon, let her know what your daily activities are and how often and long you are crying.

Love Carol xx

[CMF]

Hey Moon,

im thinking if you and hope you re ok. Carol in right, a visit to your GP would me a good idea if you're still feeling the same way.

i hope you're ok Moon, I do miss you.

sending you a big hug.

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Thanks CMF....and you too Carol -I have psych appt tomorrow.....feeling a bit better..went out, did what I needed to do - rang older sister who is not well, cooking her something tomorrow and will take it over to her Saturday- I have realised that staying away from the world is not doing me any good - and yes I have checked the tide times CMF - I will think of you first time I plunge beneath the waves!

some encouraging news today that d.i.l. has been offered a store job, not sure if part time, casual or the full details but it's a light at the end of the tunnel....am not celebrating too soon, just hoping and praying she can handle it OK.....but has to be good news doesn't it? My son seems quite positive about it and it appears to have lifted her spirits...and consequently...mine.

As I said I am not leaping over the moon prematurely, but am breathing a bit easier now - that there seems hope for better days ahead for them all....that's all I want..for the people I love to be happy and well.

I feel a bit undeserving of having such beautiful friends like yourselves here..I know you have challenges and big hurdles to get over yourselves and yet you take time to care about me....I love you too.....x

[Moonstruck]

I don't know when, or if, you will get this. Sent couple of various posts through last night quite early and none of them have appeared yet.  All the ones for Follow that Word and 5 letter game etc are not going to make sense...they will be out of order IF they get thru at all.

So, I am hoping you know I have not forgotten you all....and I am replying...fingers crossed some of mine come thru to you dear CMF and Carol and my other friends today.....luv x

[CMF]

Oh Moon,

That is good news. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you do feel a little better.

Big hugs, I'll catch you later.

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Good morning dear "people who read my sob story"....and thank you for doing so. Once again i feel I have to apologise for "feeling" this way - I was talking to a male cousin this morning who always starts with a sincere "How are you?"..and waits for the reply.

I listed all the things that had happened virtually in a row, one after the other and began crying, of course. He understands when I say "this is the lowest I have ever felt ..without the self medication of alcohol". I know things have been worse in past years...but I had the "liquid medication" to get me through. Now I feel I have nothing to lean on..nothing!

Even though the alcohol was slowly destroying a vital part of my body...I did not know this. I was blissfully unaware of this...and coped with the depression much much better than I seem to be doing now.

I have agreed to go with a friend to a cultural thing..choir performance this weekend...but don't really feel like it. I know it will be "good" for me to get out of the house even for a couple of hours, rather than sit here watching the clock tick over and feeling lower and lower.......I find myself regretting accepting the invite.

so I guess despite the ghastly things I dealt with years ago..this is the worst I have ever "felt"...because I don't have my self-medication to make me feel better. It is my first real experience of depression. I am beginning to get an understanding of what so many of you go through...i wish I did not have to get this understanding though as I cannot keep up this facade for other people much longer. I am afraid I will cry at inappropriate times and make a fool of myself.

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

I am glad you could open up to your cousin. The fact you can proves firstly that you do indeed have something to lean on. You have family, your medical team and of course the good people here including yours truly.

I understand about not wanting to cry in public. The facade is easier to hide behind. However, sometimes we need the release. Try to be with good friends. Good friends will pick you up when you're feeling low. They need not know about the depression if you don't want but you can let them know you're feeling down and why.

If you were out with a friend who unexpectedly started crying what would you think and do? Would you think or feel less of them? Would you think them a fool? Of course not. Let people be there for you lovely. You don't have to be strong all the time and you are certainly no fool, tears or not.

I hope you keep telling your psych how you are going day by day and the feelings you are having. They have great tips on managing.

Much love to you xx

[Moonstruck]

Well Oh Carol, I just had to tell you...on the slim chance you may still be interested. had to run an errand near my old "lawn bowls club" if you know what I mean....(sorry everyone, I don't really play bowls, it's kind of a cover for what I really do - a hobby sort of that I returned to after a long absence earlier this year).

..Lost Girl knows what I mean and the rest of you will probably guess eventually. Sorry for the mystery but I "could" be easily recognisable if I divulge too many details.......anyway..big breath after that preamble..........it was pretty deserted, spoke to a couple of old friends...and a wander around what I know for certain now....is 'home" to me. the tears came at just being back, no one saw me cry, just overcome at having "come home" where I know I will always find belonging and acceptance...no questions asked. If I'd said "Hold me while I cry" the people there would have, no hesitation - my "tribe".......

I don;t think there is any question now of my taking up this past -time again next year. I might have mentioned I did have the chance to take part in a big "tournament" a couple of months ago, but had to go away that weekend for grand daughter's special event....so I had to turn it down.

Not long after I ran into the Dragon Slayer. Bet you thought he'd gone forever didn't you? The lady he has been seeing has received a fairly serious diagnosis health wise - the outcome there is unsure but gee it was great to be with him again....all I had to say was how low I'd been and could really use a hug! Well, what are Dragon Slayers for? I could even cry in front of him...he didn't laugh at me or say the wrong thing either.

the rock band Smokie are coming to our town soon..one of their big hits was Oh Carol! Wanna go to their concert with me?...CMF you can come too - I suspect you need to get away from some very negative influences you have around you....I wish I could get rid of them for you once and for all!! Thank you guys for being there! xx

[Moonstruck]

Just realised what I wrote above sounded as if I was "up myself" a bit...re being "easily recognisable"....I didn't mean world-wide folks...I just meant in my city, town suburb, nearby, old school friend, neighbour for all I know....in case there's anyone here that could guess.."Oh that sounds like so and so".....I am becoming a bit paranoid these days as well as low in spirits....not good.

A friend/neighbour has persuaded me to go to a concert thing today - that I really don't care if I see or not....should I go? Yes, I guess so - it would "get me out of the house" watching the clock. I can't seem to dig myself out of this low feeling - I can't stand it and can't stand myself for feeling this way!!

Where are these tears coming from? Are they from years and years that were hidden or kept back by the alcohol I drank to keep them at bay or what?? do they need to come?

[Guest_9809]

Hello Moonstruck. I think we 'met' yesterday on the Word Game posts.

I just wanted to say that I do love a good mystery - all this stuff about Dragon Slayers and 'Lawn Bowls'. I guess I understand the need to maintain anonymity in a place like this, so your secrets are yours to keep. As are mine.

Yes I also remember the band Smokie, and love the song "Oh Carol". Where are you located Moonstruck, in general terms, not exact? I would be really happy to attend that concert with you, if you'd have me. When is it? It would be a great opportunity to get yourself out of the house for a nice occasion. Depression thrives when we are left cooped up in the house, without an outlet to escape. Perhaps we could also go and see some of those amateur plays while we are at it? That would be fun, and you never know who you might meet at those places.

Let the tears flow Moonstruck .. yes they do need to come. Its therapeutic and a healing process to let them out.

I hope you enjoy your outing today with your friend/neighbour. Chin up ........ and you dont need the alcohol to help prop you up! You are strong enough to do it all on your own. You are plainly a very strong and resilient lady.

Taurus