My Anxiety has turned into Depression. I don't know what to do.

[Moonstruck]

My anxiety seems to have turned into depression that I am not so familiar with.

The past few weeks have had added major traumas/stressors -instead of panic, which I had to control to deal with them then and there I have profound sadness which is not like me. Not the "me" others know anyway. I awake each morning with tears not far away and then they come almost straight after getting up.

I desperately want to ring a friend and say "I am so depressed, I am so sad". The first thing they say is "Why?" and then try and cheer me out of it and begin telling me how THEY are! I put on too good a front you see. This is not the "Moonstruck" they have known for years , they just don't SEE me.

On "R U OK" day no-one asked me! Perhaps a good thing, because I would have told them and they'd have laughed and invited me over to the Club to cheer me up!

When someone takes the ultimate "way out", harms themselves, I won't use the "S" word in case my post won't appear or something , someone always says "Why didn't he/she say something? Why didn't they ask us for help? Why didn't they tell me, Why didn't I see the signs?" I feel like yelling "They DID ask for help, they DID give signs, they DID tell you, there were HEAPS of signs they were in serious trouble...and you Laughed, or brushed it off, or didn't take them seriously.".

"You just couldn't believe such a lovely, capable, "together" person who was coping so well with the ups and downs of life, was TRYING to let you know, you just didn't hear them".

Moderators I am not in danger of doing anything desperate today. I would never leave such a legacy to my kids or grand-kids...just wanted to make a point...because I want to ring a friend and can already anticipate that they will simply not hear what I am saying. I have an appt with psych tomorrow and have a similar worry that I appear so socially OK she won't "get it" either! (my job and whole life journey has required me to be skilled socially and verbally eloquent with excellent communication skills..not always evident on here I realise.....but it does sabotage me a bit when I desperately need comforting)

[MarkJT]

Moonstruck, well done for reaching out and to make sure that you know this, you are NOT alone in this journey.

You can recover, make no mistake about that. You will naturally smile again and the tears will subside.

At the lowest point in my journey, i sat on the floor of a shower in hospital, unable to move. I thought i knew what sadness was...i got a decent lesson that night as to what sadmess was actually like. I am now fully functioning, recovered from PTSD, depression and anxiety. I still have so so and and bad days but all in all i am happy where i am at. Why do i tell you this? Because you need to see it can be done.

Do you practise mindfulness? If not, start. It is awesome and one of three key subjects that i do daily to keep and continue to build my resilience. The other two are gratitude and empathy. When i get triggered and suffer flashbacks, i use mindfulness to ground myself. When i feel anxiety coming on, i use mindfulness to settle myself and when i feel low, i use mindfulness to level me out.

Exercise is awesome and very much a critical part of maintaining a healthy mental state. If you are not already, start going for walks, slow walks and take in what is around you. The sights, the smells (unless you live near a sewage treatment centre!!) and just generally be aware of your surroundings.

I jump on youtube and search "dog fail" or similar, just to have a laugh. "Laughter is the best medicine" is a cliche for a reason. Then surf youtube listening to your fave songs.

Definately open up to the psych and not everyone clicks with their first psychs so if you dont feel comfortable with that one, seek out another. That is fine to do.

As mental health is such a grey area to some, your friends etc may not recognise or want to ask how you are in case you say you are not and then they dont know what do to. In any event, this forum is here for you to express your thoughts and queries, the beyondblue helpline number is there to use and you have a tonne of support here.

Again, well done on reaching out.

Cheers

Mark.

[wantalife]

From my experience with Anxiety or "Depression" one of the first things to do is to cover up, or "Bluff" within any social (Even close family is there is nothing wrong. The mechanics of trying to not feel different or attract attention the fact you do feel off of different. Theirs possibly a good chance no one has noticed your feeling low because you've hidden it so well and they simply don't know that's how your feeling.

Anxiety and or Panic attacks in general take a great deal of energy if daily to keep going through the motions and having this a major focus. To a point that can then drain some to a point eventually will turn to a depressive state, in which surprisingly for me then removed my focus and anxiety seemed to drop away in the distance.

Depressive states however are common, and I caution information I provide with genuine Citation and or reference in which "It's believed" via (DSM III) in which is forever expanding (personal opinions aside) at least 2 weeks of continuous lows daily are when Alarm bells should be noted and perhaps a professional opinion should be sought.

That conversion you've mentioned though is interesting. I'm hoping it may just be a couple of things have got you down, and find you bounce back pretty quick. Sometimes it's hard to pin point why, it just happens. Hope you cheer up a bit, but a lack of notice from others is definitely not reflective to that of a lack of care... Chin up- You'll be right 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Moonstruck

I think we have spoken before but I'm not sure. My apologies for my bad memory.

You are absolutely right about feeling so bad and people trying to jolly you along. You are also right about suicide. People do wonder why he/she didn't ask for help and shake their heads in disbelief. On the front page of BB there is a huge banner Don't be afraid to talk about suicide. If you click on it you will go the personal stories of people about suicide and other information. It may be helpful to read this and perhaps it will help you to talk to your friends without the usual responses. And YES, I do understand you are not seriously thinking of this option.

If I may offer a suggestion about your psych and you appearing to be so well adjusted or whatever. I know it's hard, but please try to let go of your self control and speak to her from your heart and emotions. I do understand as my preferred option is to laugh and joke when topics get a bit too close for comfort. And I look quite composed etc. It's hard to break this habit which is of course a defensive move, but try and relax and spit out you problems and feelings. This is not a time to be "brave". Your psych needs to know how dreadful you feel.

Perhaps when a friend asks "why" you can say "I don't know, but it feels bad and I don't know what to do". It may a good idea to meet with your friends. Phone calls are helpful, but there is nothing like a personal get together when you feel so miserable.

Have you read any of the information here? Asking BB to send you some information may help with the conversation. You can give hard copies of information to your friends. Those who read it and get back to you are those who will at least listen to you. Go to the blue tabs at the top of the page and explore at least the first three. You will be able to see what is available and what to ask for.

I suggest you copy and print your post above and show it to your psych. If nothing else it will demonstrate that you URNotOK. Love to know how it all goes.

Mary

[geoff]

hi Moon, this post of yours I don't feel comfortable only because I can't see much improvement for you, and that does worry me greatly, and perhaps this comment could be you talking or instead how you just wish that people were out there ready to help you, pay attention to you because you're screaming for help.
When anybody is talking to someone hoping that they will catch on that you crying out for help, but they don't listen and somwehow change the topic so this annoys you because you don't want that to happen, you have your hand raised so high in the air (metaphorically speaking) so why can't they see that your only screaming out for help, and when they don't respond, then how do you feel, absolutely terrible and lost once again.
Don't be afraid to tell your psychologist as soon as the session begins, no chitty-chat, but say 'please help me, I'm desperate, youhave to help get through all of this.


If I am wrong with my second line I have said I'm horribly sorry, but I still know what you are saying. Geoff.

[Moonstruck]

thank you all for responding so quickly.

Geoff and Mary - I will try to not hang onto any self-control seeing the psych. I don't put on a facade deliberately believe me - I don't think I could tomorrow anyway, as I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. Mary that's not a bad idea about printing out my original post and taking it with me...would she read it? I could read it out to her perhaps.

Mark I do try what I believe is Mindfulness. Walking is good I agree with you...if I can drag myself out of this mental sludge just going around a few streets this afternoon couldn't hurt. I do find some comfort at night before bed when it's dark to light a candle, play some Indian meditation/music/chants etc and zone out for 15 minutes if I can make it that far - sometimes I don't. What "comes up" these days is plenty of tears, but I believe they are therapeutic anyway.

and Wantalife, that's a good point you make about stress, anxiety and panic sapping our energy and easily falling into depression, you seem to understand where I am coming from so thanks.

by the way I am ravenously hungry...I am just so hungry...I've hardly been eating at all..like a sparrow....and not normally a junk eater anyway.....but I don't want anything to eat, I can't seem to be bothered eating anything, although I recognise that I am hungry. I go sometimes for hours and hours without any food at all. Is this a sign of depression I wonder....perhaps I should mention that to the psych tomorrow too?

[White_Rose]

Yes, tell the psych everything you have written here. Print out the whole thread and give it to your psych to read. Of course she will read it, it's her job. But more importantly she is there to take care of you and to work out the best options for you. Of course she will read it. I imagine it's the equivalent of a number of sessions of dragging the information out of you. Not literally of course, but I bet she will be pleased with your insights of you and the good descriptions you have written. Way to go Moonstruck!

I had a session with my GP yesterday. A wonderful lady who often knows more than the psychs. She is keeping tabs on me because I am in a difficult position ATM. We are working through it. I also see a psych but as it is school holidays I haven't had an appointment.

It's interesting that I have found women to be the most supportive and helpful in my mental health journey. Talked to a male psychiatrist years ago who used to regularly fall asleep while I was talking. He was very sarcastic, but according to him it was OK because he said I was sarcastic. Not sure about the ethics of this. And never on time, and by that I mean usually half an hour late if not more. So I have found the medical ladies in my life much better at helping me to get well. And I also respond better to them.

Well I appear to have gone away from the topic of you, but I will leave these comments in as you may want a laugh and also know we are all in the same boat. Sometimes that is the most reassuring piece of knowledge, that we are not alone in our struggles.

I have just noticed that you have replies from Mark and Wantalife, which were not there when I posted above. One of the nice things about being a champ is that our posts go straight onto the forum. But if someone posted before me, once the moderators have seen it, it goes in place in chronological order. Why am I saying this? Weelll, I lost focus for moment. Ah yes, both guys are saying the same thing as me and Geoff so we cannot possibly be wrong (?).

I look forward to your next post.

Mary

[CMF]

HI Beautiful Moon,

I'm so sorry depression has taken hold of you now. You have been through such a stressful few weeks as we know. I agree with everyone's responses and do believe that anxiety can drain you so much that you feel depressed. I experience this at times. Definitely try going for walks and doing things you enjoy. How's the weather up there, you've mentioned elsewhere it has been quite warm.

I can relate to what you at saying about your Psych. I think the relief we feel when we know we are going to see and talk to someone makes us feel a little better so the "issues" become masked. I have cancelled appts after making them because i have felt better. I agree with one of the suggestions to not get into small talk with your psych, just get to the point of how you feel. The small talk may make you feel safe and better but you do not really feel like that. When you went through your anxiety with your recent scare you mentioned on your other thread you mentioned you felt silly for being so foolish. There was nothing you could have done to avoid what happened but perhaps the way you felt towards it has made you feel quite low now looking back on it. Remember, depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future.

My dear Moon, You will get through this. you have had a tough few weeks. I'm glad I saw this thread and hope you find some peace very soon.

Your friend

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Thank you so much CMF - you are always so kind - you may have hit upon a little gem of understanding....re when we know we are going to talk to someone professional and neutral...perhaps I do relax a bit and "feel better" just by being there in the room. It's a place of "safety" to me and non-threatening. Perhaps sub consciously I know I am safe there and no one is going to hurt me....so I feel some "relief" and it tends to mask the pain underneath a bit. As you said "I will get thru this" I must keep reminding myself of that.

[CMF]

Great minds think alike 🙂

Sending you big hugs

cmf x