Mental Paralysis

[0ldDog]

I began experiencing physically health issues even before I burned out at my last job almost five years ago. Initially it was the odd illness and infection, something that would normally be short-lived but even those began to stretch out and my plan to take time out to recharge went out the window almost immediately.
As for my mental health, I’ve gone through several periods of varying lengths of severe depression during my lifetime, and looking back, I’m not sure that depression ever really goes away. In my case, long-term stress, coupled with physical exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation seems to be the trigger.
Even before the underlying cause of my physical health issue was discovered, severe depression had set in. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I stopped work and spent 18 months living in a haze, during which time I lived off my savings and drew on my super until I had nothing left. I don’t know how I found the strength, if that is the right term, to approach Centerlink for assistance but at some point I did. I don’t remember much of what was discussed but I do recall breaking down in tears at some point during the assessment. Several years have passed since and I am still stuck in the same loop, physical and mental health issues continue, concerns about accommodation, financial debt I can never repay, and the list goes on.
I can only describe my depression as paralysing, an inability to act. There is this whirlpool constantly churning in my head and I am frozen. Numerous psychologist, counsellors, etc., have dutifully handed me details of charities and organisations that I should contact for help but if it were that easy, wouldn’t I have already found and contacted them. I take those pieces of paper home, put them on the side and stare at them occasionally, going through what I might say during the phone call, wondering if I will remain composed, embarrassed that I have to seek their help and concerned that others would benefit more from their assistance than me. Over time I consign those contact details to a pile out of the way until they eventually end up in the recycle bin. Even to me it seems an idiotic situation for someone who once managed a team of 30+ people.
And then there is the flipside, when I am angry, which seems to be just about every day now and a very good reason why I do my utmost to avoid people. I try my best to be polite when I venture out once a fortnight to shop, swapping platitudes with those I engage with, however I am painfully aware that I have a short fuse which can and has resulted in angry expletive laden sprays, including at friends recently.
I am also aware that I do misinterpreting things, reacting without thinking and the most frustrating of all, saying things without realising, only to review later and wonder why I said what I did. I even start sentences and don’t finish them or fail to provide context until I see confusion on the other persons face, prompting me to consider what I have said and attempt to correct or add the necessary context.
I have spent many days writing whatever this is, and I am not even sure why I am doing it. I have often written letters to the likes of the ABC to air my views on various topics that frustrate the hell out of me but have never finished or posted them. I struggle nowadays to find the words and when I do throw words on paper, I often get so frustrated that I can feel my blood pressure go up or my jaw stiffening, whilst at other times a wave of tiredness descends. I know that tiredness worsens my dyslexia and trying to compensate for dyslexia requires additional brain processing energy, so it’s a double edge sword.
When I was younger, I had the time and good friends to help me find my way out of depression but as I get older, I find I no longer have the resilience or energy. I’m not liking old age and it’s not liking me much either. I regularly experience physical pain and discomfort and no longer know which is worse, that or the mental pain.
The pragmatist in me concludes that I have nothing left in the preverbal tank, nothing left to offer and nothing to look forward to. This is not what I consider to be life, but more a case of simply existing. Yes someone could throw me in hospital, talk with me for hours, which they have done already or pump me full of medication (done that too) but at the end of the day, the issues that have influenced my life over the past few years will remain unresolved.
Perhaps something in this diatribe will help someone better understand what depression can be like for those who live with it.

[0ldDog]

Rabbiting on…no not at all Croix, the greyhound shot past the rabbit and kept going round the track. 😉

I do get where you are coming from and I am glad that it has helped you find a degree of normality and comfort. It is good that you are able and willing to influence your sphere, helping others, as you say, hear and out in the world.

I do also appreciate why so many of us (me included at times) create a protective bubble around us and shut out the world’s problems. The problems are massive and it’s entirely possible that we are too far down the rabbit hole to pull ourselves back out but this ‘view’ that I have didn’t just rock up since my depression kicked into overdrive, it started long before that.

I used to buy things to give myself some enjoyment and get a fix. Then I realised that the buzz didn’t last long. We waste money on things we ‘want’ rather than the things we ‘need’ and in turn, use up our resources, poison the earth and leave the planet worse off for the next generation and their kids.

I think you previously asked me what I needed help with…well a publisher dumb enough to engage me would be nice. I could rabbit on for a book or ten and get everything off my chest and that would be a great cathartic experience.

I agree that influencing our own thoughts is possible, just as long as one can find the environment that will allow us to do so. Me being at odds with the world isn’t the cause or the keeper of my depression, it’s a culmination of many other things that have, over time, come together in the mixing pot...and too many ingredients spoil the broth, or was that too many cooks gather no moss...

[Croix]

Dear OldDog~

“or was that too many cooks gather no moss...” actually I think it is most Rolling Stones roll on for an amazing amount of time 🙂

I’m glad you understand what I mean, the more people that fill their spheres (live those two from the supermarkets I mentioned) with restful and positive thoughts and actions the more chance of it becoming cumulative. Bear in mind too that some spheres are huge, look at Greta Thunberg.

I can’t really say much about the state of the world, though I can certainly accept you held your views before depression influenced your thoughts as they did mine. I simply do not know enough to make an intelligent comment other than things seem to be getting more difficult. I do suspect that the ability to cope with the world state improves as depression dissipates.

As for buying things, some are simply necessary, and for those that a not I don’t really see the harm in economic and thrifty spending on things that will give pleasure. I used to buy second hand library books, while they used resources to make, their continual reuse went a fair way to justify this. Nowadays I download free eBooks from places like Librivox, though I suppose even that uses some energy.

Talking of eBooks, do you feel you could write your own? It would give valuable insight. Places like Wordpress are ideal and free. The writing, as you say, might be good for you. There are established techniques for making people notice of them.

It would be good to influence your thoughts, if I might ask what sort of environment might be best for that?

Croix