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Mental Paralysis

0ldDog
Community Member
I began experiencing physically health issues even before I burned out at my last job almost five years ago. Initially it was the odd illness and infection, something that would normally be short-lived but even those began to stretch out and my plan to take time out to recharge went out the window almost immediately.
As for my mental health, I’ve gone through several periods of varying lengths of severe depression during my lifetime, and looking back, I’m not sure that depression ever really goes away. In my case, long-term stress, coupled with physical exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation seems to be the trigger.
Even before the underlying cause of my physical health issue was discovered, severe depression had set in. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I stopped work and spent 18 months living in a haze, during which time I lived off my savings and drew on my super until I had nothing left. I don’t know how I found the strength, if that is the right term, to approach Centerlink for assistance but at some point I did. I don’t remember much of what was discussed but I do recall breaking down in tears at some point during the assessment. Several years have passed since and I am still stuck in the same loop, physical and mental health issues continue, concerns about accommodation, financial debt I can never repay, and the list goes on.
I can only describe my depression as paralysing, an inability to act. There is this whirlpool constantly churning in my head and I am frozen. Numerous psychologist, counsellors, etc., have dutifully handed me details of charities and organisations that I should contact for help but if it were that easy, wouldn’t I have already found and contacted them. I take those pieces of paper home, put them on the side and stare at them occasionally, going through what I might say during the phone call, wondering if I will remain composed, embarrassed that I have to seek their help and concerned that others would benefit more from their assistance than me. Over time I consign those contact details to a pile out of the way until they eventually end up in the recycle bin. Even to me it seems an idiotic situation for someone who once managed a team of 30+ people.
And then there is the flipside, when I am angry, which seems to be just about every day now and a very good reason why I do my utmost to avoid people. I try my best to be polite when I venture out once a fortnight to shop, swapping platitudes with those I engage with, however I am painfully aware that I have a short fuse which can and has resulted in angry expletive laden sprays, including at friends recently.
I am also aware that I do misinterpreting things, reacting without thinking and the most frustrating of all, saying things without realising, only to review later and wonder why I said what I did. I even start sentences and don’t finish them or fail to provide context until I see confusion on the other persons face, prompting me to consider what I have said and attempt to correct or add the necessary context.
I have spent many days writing whatever this is, and I am not even sure why I am doing it. I have often written letters to the likes of the ABC to air my views on various topics that frustrate the hell out of me but have never finished or posted them. I struggle nowadays to find the words and when I do throw words on paper, I often get so frustrated that I can feel my blood pressure go up or my jaw stiffening, whilst at other times a wave of tiredness descends. I know that tiredness worsens my dyslexia and trying to compensate for dyslexia requires additional brain processing energy, so it’s a double edge sword.
When I was younger, I had the time and good friends to help me find my way out of depression but as I get older, I find I no longer have the resilience or energy. I’m not liking old age and it’s not liking me much either. I regularly experience physical pain and discomfort and no longer know which is worse, that or the mental pain.
The pragmatist in me concludes that I have nothing left in the preverbal tank, nothing left to offer and nothing to look forward to. This is not what I consider to be life, but more a case of simply existing. Yes someone could throw me in hospital, talk with me for hours, which they have done already or pump me full of medication (done that too) but at the end of the day, the issues that have influenced my life over the past few years will remain unresolved.
Perhaps something in this diatribe will help someone better understand what depression can be like for those who live with it.
21 Replies 21

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi 0ldDog,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here. It’s such a brave and articulate post, and we really appreciate how hard it can be to be open about this, especially when you’re feeling trapped and exhausted. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.

It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). There’s also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a difficult time.

We’d also recommend checking out the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven’t already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline 13 11 14 and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Thanks again for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Having been through most of what you've experienced I see clearly some changes that can help.

Having depression or other MI can place you in a situation where, only radical actions can bring you hope of a life of improvement. This requires one to place their MI as a top priority.

For example. Mounting debts can cause extreme anxiety and worry. Declaring bankruptcy can give you relief and a feeling of starting over. It's at least worthy of consideration.

For some a move to the country from the city can provide lots of ingredients for lifestyle change.

Google: beyondblue topic a move to the country- why not?

Your diminishing abilities could be in line with the effects of stress in your life. I'm 65yo and I'm beginning to experience the same especially memory loss short term. I believe acceptance is better than cure. I don't dwell on this condition, we get old so that's what happens. Better not to worry as the following thread shows-

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

As for depression I've found fighting it fruitless

Beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

Have you thought you might need a reminder of the basics of appreciation of life away from your normal life. I have a suggestion- Google

Youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset

Youtube prem rawat the perfect instrument

And many more of his soul bathing videos. They are in the least relaxing and potentionally life changing.

Imo your short fuse will fall away when your quality of life picks up.

All this is radical to some people but they are but a few ideas that saved me from a life on a treatment merry-go-round

Repost anything

TonyWK

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Old Dog~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to hte Forum. I'm glad you have met her already as she is sensible and gives good advice.

OK, I've read your 'diatribe', which incidentally is well written and articulate, painting a clear picture and no one would ever know from it you had dyslexia. I have it too and spend probably as much time weeding out typos as writing hte original post (I'm not as successful as you are though). I'm sure you spent considerable time on it, and under hte circumstances it was a brave move.

There are too many things in your post for me to try to talk about hem all right this minute, even if many are familiar too me.

Perhaps the most important thing is your misconception "concerned that others would
benefit more from their assistance than me
", this is rubbish, it is very obvious from your post you are in a horrible situation with both physical and mental problems and as such as at least as entitle to help as anyone else in an effort to improve your lot. It is not a matter of balancing "merit" but simply that you a human being in distress.

Yes it is difficult to do certain tasks, in your case seeking help, with a list of agencies you don't contact. One of my problems was being unable to go to my mailbox at hte end of my drive. Irrational fear due to PTSD, depression and anxiety caused this. Eventually I overcame it, but it was a battle and I did have assistance.

Talking in a way that others do not understand, with broken and disjointed or out of context speech is also something I know. In may case because my head was so full of thoughts I did not need there was no room left for concentration on the present. Again this is now good, but it took time, and the benefit of a psychiatrist and meds.

As for contacting agencies and being paralysed so you never do, can I suggest you paste in your post, with a very brief explanmaton that it is a description of your difficult es and also saying what particular help you need (accommodation, finances, transport etc) -the email or post it?

Any reply is not going to be as stressful as Centrelink was, and you managed that, even if you did break down.

Look, I don't wish to burden you with too much in one reply so I'll stop now

I hope we get to talk some more

Croix

0ldDog
Community Member
Thank you Sophie_M

Thank you for the suggestions.
Moving out of the city to the country does hold a certain appeal and something I could or should have done 10 years ago. I have actually moved so many times since my teen years, I can’t even remember all the places where I have lived but that has provided me with a realistic appreciation of what’s involved and at this point, I am not in a position, physically, mentally or financially to make that kind of a move.
Declaring bankruptcy is a good suggestion and one I have often contemplated as I’m sure it would address a major issue, however I haven’t had the funds to pay the fee required to register for bankruptcy.
Regards
J

0ldDog
Community Member
Dear Croix,
The irony is that I used to be far better at spotting other peoples typos than my own.
I would love to provide a more comprehensive reply, however you response moved me to tears, but not in a bad way, just in a way I wasn’t expecting or prepared for.
Having read Sophie_M’s, TonyWK’s and your posts, and thanked them, I am emotionally drained but didn’t want to appear rude and not thank you.
I will respond as soon as I am able.
Rgds
J

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear J~

It is not often we are thanked, it is not only a welcome and healing message for us (we are just ordinary people after all and subject to the same doubts and worries as everyone), but also shows an insight into the character of the person who is considerate enough to do the thanking even when in dire straights.

Tears, well I'd guess you are finding there are others who do understand, who have traveled down similar paths and do not want you to feel abandoned by the world or betrayed by your own infirmities.

So take your time, please talk more when you feel up to it, no hurry at all. Also please don't stress over typos etc, this is not a place where such trivialities are remarked upon, simply ignored.

As an aside can I suggest consulting Anglicare or Salvation Army Financial Services (available most states) before contemplating bankruptcy.

I know that would be very difficult for you, but if you can manage it - email does wonders - an expert opinion from those used to such situations can pay surprising dividends. Then one thing can lead to another.

Croix (who always spells the as hte -sigh 😞

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello J, (I've noticed you sign off as 'J', so I hope you don't mind.

I've just been reading this thread, & goodness, You & others here make me want to cry for simply how moved I feel because of such generous openness. I feel such warmth from the responses, when I was thinking, I don't know what to say.

I have some things in common with you, like, I'm over the half-way mark, even being most optimistic in my estimation of how many years I may have ahead. (Not that I'm waiting for any letter from any royalty - won't be in braille anyway!)

My memory is giving me the s***s lately, more and more, really, with each passing season. So much so, that I am becoming concerned.

My hair is greying, thinned out a lot too, but I can't see it so... I just get annoyed at how easily & how much hair I'm losing.

Yes.. I get grumpy, grouchy, cranky, you name it. I'm not so good at expressing my emotions, & when I do I am usually more upset about how I had behaved, & I'm not hurting anything. It feels so bad, though, even after years to get used to it.

I'd love to move to the country, but for, primarily, I have no transport, & cannot drive. can't get a licenc, then there is the need for reliable services, especially health, & mental health, although, with telehealth, that latter, at least might not be so hard to manage. Having the physical problems, especially with painful symptoms or effects can really mess up the mood! I know that one.

I struggle with feeling my needs are as desperately in need of attention as others. But, it occurs to me, too, how the heck do I know? Same goes for how much or little I imagine I might benefit from treatment as the next person. I cannot possibly know that. I am not in their head, right? So, stomp on these feelings, & I give them a ring, make an appointment, & at least ask. As Croix pointed out, you got through the humiliation of Centrelink 'compassion'? I think. when we do that, we can get through anything!

Oh, for Croix, too, at the bottom of a word document there is a little icon between the 'Word Count' tab & the 'Language' tab, which will help you with grammar & spelling.

When on, little red wavy lines appear underneath misspelled words, & if you right click on the misspelle word, an option or few will appear at the top of the list of things you might choose to do. It can be tricky - sometimes the options yourspell check are irrelevant. For common words it is more reliable.

😸mmMekitty (It don't like my name, do it?)

0ldDog
Community Member

Dear Croix,

Like your ‘Hte' V ‘The’, ‘You’ and ‘Your’, ‘Friend’ or ‘Freind’ are some of my obvious (to all except me) typos. I get I shouldn’t be worried about it in this context but I’m OCD about…well, probably everything to a greater or lesser degree! So if I cared less to begin with, I would only be more frustrated later…if that makes sense.

Compliments and kindness are not something I have experienced much of in recent years, hence it hit hard and is still reverberating around in my head.

Maybe it’s the depression talking or my situation that has jaded or blinded me to ‘the real world’, but I do feel that people’s lives have become busy, distracted and overly complicated these days, which means they have far less time for themselves and in turn, less time for others.

We reach the supermarket checkout and exchange meaningless platitudes with an assistant whose facial and body expressions make clear you are just another interruption to their working day and social media accounts. And we seem to have scripted responses for everything, so when you phone up somewhere, and are actually lucky enough to reach a real person (not an AI), you often get an uncaring, matter of fact and occasionally even abrupt (rude) response and very little else.

Genuine kindness and compassion seem to be heading south, chasing common sense and decency, and even though I am at odds with the world and frustrated with the direction mankind is taking, when someone I don’t know takes the time and makes an effort to help another (in this case me), I consider, at the very least, that deserves a ‘Thank You’.

‘What particular help you need (accommodation, finances, transport etc)’ Yes, pretty much that and a few other things. I appreciate the suggestion regarding financial guidance and had a quick look at the website…before my brain stalled.

As a child I thought I was thick, then when I was 30, I discovered I was dyslexic and life changed for me. After that, people used to consider me to be a reasonably smart guy, which is why I get so frustrated with myself for being like this! Yes I made it to the dreaded Centerlink assessment, but I don’t recall what finally pushed me to actually go.

Don’t answer if you don’t want to but I would love to know how you overcame your irrational fear, as you put it, and make it to the mailbox?

I wasn’t sure if I could or should have replied previous and thanked everyone in one post or to each individually, so apologies if I messed up there.

Rgds

J