Mental Paralysis

[0ldDog]

I began experiencing physically health issues even before I burned out at my last job almost five years ago. Initially it was the odd illness and infection, something that would normally be short-lived but even those began to stretch out and my plan to take time out to recharge went out the window almost immediately.
As for my mental health, I’ve gone through several periods of varying lengths of severe depression during my lifetime, and looking back, I’m not sure that depression ever really goes away. In my case, long-term stress, coupled with physical exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation seems to be the trigger.
Even before the underlying cause of my physical health issue was discovered, severe depression had set in. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I stopped work and spent 18 months living in a haze, during which time I lived off my savings and drew on my super until I had nothing left. I don’t know how I found the strength, if that is the right term, to approach Centerlink for assistance but at some point I did. I don’t remember much of what was discussed but I do recall breaking down in tears at some point during the assessment. Several years have passed since and I am still stuck in the same loop, physical and mental health issues continue, concerns about accommodation, financial debt I can never repay, and the list goes on.
I can only describe my depression as paralysing, an inability to act. There is this whirlpool constantly churning in my head and I am frozen. Numerous psychologist, counsellors, etc., have dutifully handed me details of charities and organisations that I should contact for help but if it were that easy, wouldn’t I have already found and contacted them. I take those pieces of paper home, put them on the side and stare at them occasionally, going through what I might say during the phone call, wondering if I will remain composed, embarrassed that I have to seek their help and concerned that others would benefit more from their assistance than me. Over time I consign those contact details to a pile out of the way until they eventually end up in the recycle bin. Even to me it seems an idiotic situation for someone who once managed a team of 30+ people.
And then there is the flipside, when I am angry, which seems to be just about every day now and a very good reason why I do my utmost to avoid people. I try my best to be polite when I venture out once a fortnight to shop, swapping platitudes with those I engage with, however I am painfully aware that I have a short fuse which can and has resulted in angry expletive laden sprays, including at friends recently.
I am also aware that I do misinterpreting things, reacting without thinking and the most frustrating of all, saying things without realising, only to review later and wonder why I said what I did. I even start sentences and don’t finish them or fail to provide context until I see confusion on the other persons face, prompting me to consider what I have said and attempt to correct or add the necessary context.
I have spent many days writing whatever this is, and I am not even sure why I am doing it. I have often written letters to the likes of the ABC to air my views on various topics that frustrate the hell out of me but have never finished or posted them. I struggle nowadays to find the words and when I do throw words on paper, I often get so frustrated that I can feel my blood pressure go up or my jaw stiffening, whilst at other times a wave of tiredness descends. I know that tiredness worsens my dyslexia and trying to compensate for dyslexia requires additional brain processing energy, so it’s a double edge sword.
When I was younger, I had the time and good friends to help me find my way out of depression but as I get older, I find I no longer have the resilience or energy. I’m not liking old age and it’s not liking me much either. I regularly experience physical pain and discomfort and no longer know which is worse, that or the mental pain.
The pragmatist in me concludes that I have nothing left in the preverbal tank, nothing left to offer and nothing to look forward to. This is not what I consider to be life, but more a case of simply existing. Yes someone could throw me in hospital, talk with me for hours, which they have done already or pump me full of medication (done that too) but at the end of the day, the issues that have influenced my life over the past few years will remain unresolved.
Perhaps something in this diatribe will help someone better understand what depression can be like for those who live with it.

[Croix]

Dear J~

Your thanks were delivered perfectly, so no, you have not messed up in the slightest. They mean a surprising amount.

As for the dreaded mailbox, I guess I deliberately tried to associate it with something pleasant, rather than unnamed but feared content. To this end I found a website that sold off old USA libraries' books that had been retired from service. At that time it was a couple of dollars each including postage. I'm an avid reader and I ordered a fair few, spread out over time so they did not all arrive at once.

In time I could walk down to the mailbox with pleasant anticipation overriding the old fear.

While it did cost money, though not that much, there are equivalents that cost less. I try to have something to look forward to at the end of every day, a movie on iView, a book I've read before, specific music on YouTube and more. It's self-reward and at the same time takes my mind off the world and all its shortcomings.

Sometimes it is hard to get into these things as mind insists on it's own unpleasant chains of thought.

A means of breaking the flow of thoughts is needed, and I use the free smartphone app Smiling Mind for that. It has a large number of exercises, even ones for those like me who have hte attention span of a gnat. It does take practice to work well, but it is well worth it and becomes very effective.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

With the world seeming to be full of preoccupied people with less time for others, that's partly true, I'd agree. I used to be able to door-knock for Red Cross, now it is not worth it as people do not want to know. On the other hand there are a lot of people who do look out for others, as an example a newsagent ran out after me becuse I'd dropped an insert today.There is still kindness around us.

OK I've talked a bit, now I'd like to ask what sort of things could you use to look forward to? Does not have to be anything big, even a favorite sweet would be a start.

Also what do you think might help you reach out for assistance with finances - or anything else for htat matter? Is there anyone who could help?

Croix

[0ldDog]

Hello mmMekitty

I never really understood ‘mid-life’ as being 50 but I get what you mean.
From your comments, would I be correct in thinking you have been visually impaired for some years now? If so, I can’t begin to imagine the strength of mind needed to adapt to such a life changing event. This is one of those occasions where we don’t appreciate the challenges others face until we meet that person.

Long-term memory has always been a problem for me and during bouts of severe depression short-term memory gets thrown into the mix for good measure. White Knight suggested old age is perhaps to blame and that I should just accept that. Maybe he is are right but from personal experience I’m inclined to think it is more a result of having no processing power left to hit the record button, and attributed to the constant churn created by anxiety and depression. Even so, consider that as a possibility has never helped me personally escape the cycle, so perhaps there is some wisdom to White Knight’s suggestion to ‘just accept it’, if that is a possibility.

Another possibility might be a lack of social interaction. For the most part, I have enjoyed the times I have been in a relationship but even when I was not, I still enjoyed social interaction with friends and colleagues. When severe depression hits, I’m not really aware what is happening at first but know that I start to withdraw from socialising. I think this time around, things have been worse and gone on for much longer, not only because of health and age, etc., but because I, like so many others, have to get by on Jobseeker. I started declining invites to go out for a coffee or meal for the simple fact that I can feed myself for 3 – 4 days for the cost of a Mackers. Over time the invitations stop coming, a blessing in some respects, but then you are left with few people to converse with.

A mate popped round last month and his phone battery was almost out of charge. He asked if I had an Apple charge lead, which I didn’t, so he then asked if I had a charging plate, at which point I laughed. Five years ago we shared the same universe but we are now on very different plains of existence.

Confucius say “Only when we experience it, can we truly understand it.” OK, so that wasn’t actually from Confucius, but Confused Us (aka me).

I know I’m the last person to talk about seeking help, but have you considered speaking to your GP or a counsellor regarding your concerns about your memory?

Rgds
J

[mmMekitty]

Hi J,

The story of my eyesight is long & complicated. I've been legally blind for going on to 20 years I suppose, & my sight continues to deteriorate. I have tried to adapt & learn new ways to keep doing what I can, but have lost a lot along the way. Other problems are not helping.

I know stress, anxiety, depression, & physical conditions all take a toll on how well we manage day to day. Memory & concentration, sleep difficulties, inability to maintain focus on tasks, It just gets too much.

I keep note on just about everything, a calendar of appointments, I let my computer keep passwords, (not really sure that's a good idea, but what else to do?), the local chemist keeps my 'scripts, even online shopping keeps a list of things I've bought before, (which can be edited), because I don't remember brands , sizes, or even scents & flavours. One of my helpers keeps a diary outlining what she does when with her clients. So, she notes things down too.

There are recent concerns which have made things worse for me lately. I understand that, even expected it.

However, I still feel there is something more going on with my memory. So, I did talk to my GP & had a scan, & I guess that turned up nothing significant, or surely I would have been called in before my next scheduled appointment. So, I wait. Got another test for anther problem in the meantime. & I don't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it.

On top I have some family legal stuff to deal with. Well, my sis is having to deal with most of it, but what little I have to do seems overwhelming. It's all turning out to be more difficult than anticipated. I'd rather we be focusing on rebuilding our relationship, not that I really know how to do either.

Ah, but this isn't my thread...

I do notice I don't deal as well with lack of sleep as I did when younger. & I recover more slowly from just about everything, too. I'm sure this is age related.

I enjoyed Croix's letter box solution. I suppose, I give myself little treats, like getting a snack when I am out and about, shopping & such. & I do go play the little word games here, & go to a couple social threads as well. I play a bit, something for my inner child, I guess. I have an app on my phone, Garage Band, glitchy, but I enjoy making piano sounds, my own random tunes,& chords.

I do what I can to break the constant stream of thoughts & feelings. I'm wondering what you do? There are lots of ideas floating around this site.

- Letter Count Limit -

MMMekitty

[0ldDog]

The idea of rewarding your trip to the mailbox is ingenious, thank you for sharing that with me and others who might read this post in the future.

I looked up the app you mentioned. I used to use meditation years ago but I cannot get into it anymore, as I can’t sit, stand or lay still comfortably or long enough to relax. A couple of years ago I started using the sound of running bathwater at night to help me sleep. It’s something from my childhood. I also used it to cancel out other noise. It worked well for quite a while but now only blocks out exterior noise, not the noise in my head.

The question you asked at the end of your post is similar to one I have been asked previously. The first time that I was asked to go away and think about it over the weekend, things did not go well. The question no longer sends me into a head spin or elicits an emotional response, so asking it is not a problem however there is nothing positive that I can offer by way of a response.

As for the other question, I'll have to take a raincheck for now.

Reading about the issues other members have to face, having to again think about my own and responding to posts is more draining than I expected. I don’t know how you and other contributors manage it but think it is great that you do!

Rgds

[Croix]

Dear 0ldDog~

It is the idea of self-reward I'm trying to emphasize. I've found it to be a double wammy. I get the pleasure of the reward itself -a chapter in a book etc, but also over time I get more of a feeling I deserve a reward, I'm a more worthy person. I hope that makes some sort of sense?

As for reading other's circumstances and finding they affect you, they do affect all of us, and if it was just reading, that would be hard. However I'm glad to say it is not, we all have the opportunity to use our experiences to help. Helping is of course is a basic part of human nature and promotes a good feeling, so we receive as well as give. Even negative experiences can help others, as they stop one from feeling all alone..

Rainchecks are fine, BTW is there anyone you could ask about what you used to enjoy?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi J,

I was trying to write very much along the lines of what Croix Just said! How did that walrus sneak by me while I was typing will forever be a mystery.

I do find it is difficult sometimes, when I feel unsure of what to say. Late night, like now, when I ought to be asleep, I might notice a new post, from someone, their first post, & I want them to just know their post was read, & I will say Hello & welcome.', at the very least. It seems the same to me if I was going into a place, hoping to sit & talk & get some help, if I was left wandering about the building after handing in my forms, & no one stopped to say 'hello, how can I help?' No, that would not do.

Goodnight, all,

🙀 mmMekitty, thinking of things I used to do, & can I still do some, even if I don't do them well. That's beside the point of doing them, eh?,

[Evolv]

Hi to all on this forum,

I red the first post from J. And it resonate so much with my current situation. I don't think I ll be able to express myself as well as you all did but I give it a try.

I am an international student here in Australia fighting to establish myself here for several reasons. Some reasons are valuable some aren't.

I self reflect on my life journey and I realise how all my life I withraw my self from the world just by fear to be judge starting at the age of 18 years old.

I had a few relationships that I self sabotage without knowing why at the time.

I feel with despair that my cognitive abilities are impacted and reduced. It is very hard for me to focus and or stay still. It seems I can't even listen to what people tell me or understand basic instructions.

I feel paralyzed when I need to take decisions. The smallest ones are hard to take and the challenging ones are triggering a state of depression. I don't dare to speak because whatever I say doesn't have sense. There is no foundation, valid point, backup. I am confused and don't want to attract attention on my poor speech and lack of ideas. Processing thought is getting hard. I ruminate a lot, at the end of the day I feel exhausted with a fried brain.

Therefore I wonder who I am and what is my purpose on earth. I have no passion, no interest. When I look at people outside, life seems so easy for them. Families, friends, co-workers, hobbies, sport. It seems easy although I am struggling.

I feel guilty and sad to feel the way I feel.

I am not angry but envious, I d like to have my own family one day but looking at my issue I doubt it will happens.

I wanted to share my feeling on this forum because I felt a sense of care from one another 🙏🏼

I d like to ask you do you know what are the triggers of your reality?

Once hear if you know the deep rooted origins of your discomfort you can overcome it.

Are you ruminating as well ?

I am still young (34) but I am stuck in that mentality. Every day I try to force myself to be positive and optimistic

Thank you for tanking the time to read my post 🙏🏼

[0ldDog]

Hello Croix,

I understood the reason and double reward benefit. As I said, ingenious and good that you found something that worked for you.

As for asking someone what I used to enjoy, it’s not a case of not being able to recall stuff. To use your suggested example of sweets, as much as I used to love them, I try not to waste what little money I have on chocolate or savouries, but when I do occasionally treat (for want of a better word) myself I get very little satisfaction from it these days and wouldn’t call it enjoyable. I don't even enjoy meals nowadays and generally only eat because boredom and stress are tiggers. That lack of enjoyment extends right across the spectrum.

After a week, which has included my old dog being sick, stupidly trying to reconnect with dysfunctional and distant family, feeling emotionally drained after realising just how many (too many) people with similar or greater problems than I seek support from this site…my anger has reduces to a simmer, some might consider that a positive.

Every day is another Groundhog Day and realistically, considering my circumstances that is unlikely to change. Speaking for myself, life without joy, reason or reward (not necessarily financial) isn’t living, just existing.

[0ldDog]

Hello Evolv

I can relate to many of the things (traits) you have shared in your post.

What triggers my depression? Exhaustion, which itself is a gradual condition, is part of the trigger, perhaps the firing pin. Finding myself trapped in a situation is the other part, the hammer.

I was a workaholic, to the detriment of everything else, including past relationships and personal matters. I am a problem solver but when it comes to me and depression is in play, I can’t solve my own issues. That then manifests itself as frustration, which leads to self-destructive behaviour, then anger for being stupid and the cycle goes on.

As for life being so easy for them, well I have been both them and us, and perhaps you have been too. I am aware that when my depression abates, I can function and live a reasonably normal life, but I also appreciate that these are two very different plains of existence.

When I have been able to work, I have always earned good money but when the depression takes over, I end up losing everything and having to work my butt off for the next 10 years to re-establish myself. When younger it was perhaps a little easier to do but this time round, I am in my 60’s and I don’t have the physically stamina to dig myself out and start again.

It’s hard for some to deal with people who are depressed…it’s depressing right! And everyone will see the world differently according to their circumstance, but I have to wonder, because I know depression has forced me to have time on my hands, time to think (so dangerous). So do I see the world as it is, or are my views jaded and unrealistic? Conversely, are normal (as defined by society) people so busy, so distracted by society’s rules that they don’t to see the bigger picture, or maybe they don’t want to see, as the mess is so huge, it seems impossible to fix.

So that also covers one of the things I ponder (ruminate). Climate change, greed, education and other topics rattle around. More frequently of late, a situation will trigger a cyclonic thought process that goes on for days and those can be particularly draining.

As for forcing ourselves to be this or that, I have to wonder why. Personally I feel that forcing ourselves to try and be happy or something we are not is counterproductive and energy consuming. It’s also not going to help us or others appreciate when someone is genuinely happy or sad. We should be what we are until we can be something else.

J

[Croix]

Dear OldDog~

You are right that there are huge problems in the world, and as I may have mentioned when my depression was out of control I concentrated my attention on them to the exclusion of all else.

It's not helped by the media of course who for every positive story seem to pick on 10 that are upsetting, or frustrating, or seem insoluble, or all three. Media of course are dictated by money, so again you are right, another problem.

Nowadays I acknowledge there are problems, but steer away from the media and try to concentrate on the sphere around me. This is a better way for me to be. I meet and interact with worthwhile, generous and kind people more than any other kind, many of them here on the Forum. Many in normal life, like the supermarket check-our lady that ran after me to the car park when I dropped somethng a few days ago, or the one that helped me with my bags to the car this evening.

Unlike the subjects in the news I can influence what happens in my sphere, trying to make life easier for others -and myself in the process. Plus time for simple enjoyment.

I'm trying to say it is easy for you to get trapped into a view of the world that leaves nothing for you to do, it is too big and too hard.

I'm not advocating you try to force yourself to be happy, that is a nonsense, I am suggesting that indirectly you can influence your thoughts. Your body is linked to you mind, and I've found treating it reasonably helps my attitude -no big cure, just a help. Similarly eating as well as you can afford.

Perhaps the greatest influence is other people, which is why I started volunteering, it gave me others to interact wiht, other points of view, and gave me routine. I'm not suggesting volunteering is the way for you -thought it might be- but being with others who are of a more positive mindset helps.

I admit not everything that has worked for me will work for others, but I've gone from a suicidal wreck to a reasonable and happy human being. If I can I'd suggest there is hope and a way of improving a lot for most.

Do you think I'm just rabbiting on OldDog?

Croix