Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Sorry you SH I understand that this must have been a really hard place to be in.

Captain T this is your journey and it’s one that you are getting through.

Please don’t feel as though you have let us down, please start to remember all of the progress you have made and are going to keep making.

Captain T Sometimes we may have deep wounds inside ourselves and the way we can heal these wounds is to go from the inside out.

Once we begin to do our inner work our healing can take place.

This is something your mental health team can help you with.

Im glad you are safe hang in there 

[ecomama]

Hey CT, I'm SO glad the forums are are place for you to let things out!
If this is your ONLY place? Then you are surrounded by others here going through the same.

I'm so grateful you're here with us, hugs. 

I'm also SO grateful you told us what you did last night. HUGS. 

You're a smart girl calling a Helpline, GO YOU! 
You did the right thing calling them. 

Now that you're in a calmer mode, are you able to Journal about it? 
I found the most helpful way of Journaling after an "event" was to write what preceded the event - thoughts and feelings in one column. 
Then what brought me out of it in the other column. 

Those strategies might help you alot should you practice them often. 

Regardless of what you do and don't do, we are always here for you. 

You're part of the BB Family now. 
Love EM

[therising]

Hi Captain T

My heart goes out to you as you face such an incredibly challenging time. Wish I was there with you to give you the most massive hug and say 'Well done, you made it through'. By the way, I'm not a hugger so that says something😁 Might not be the way you would have liked to have made it through such an overwhelming set of feelings but you made it through none the less and that's something to be proud of.

As someone who's achieved giving birth to 2 kids, managed quite a number of challenges over my 52 years on this earth and has managed to raise myself in mind, body and spirit, the thing I'm most proud of more than anything else is having survived depression. Even if I won a Nobel Peace Prize or came 1st in some monumental undertaking, globally recognized as the greatest achievement in existence, I would still regard surviving depression as the thing I am most proud of. I fought hard to save my life, not in the most ideals ways on occasion, but I managed through some truly horrible life threatening moments that tested my ability to stay with life. We are life savers. Just because it happens to be our own life we've saved, doesn't matter, doesn't take away from the fact.

How can raising yourself out of incredibly dark moments be letting us down? To know you are here, still with us, raises my spirits. I am proud of you. Have faith, you will find other ways to raise yourself through incredibly challenging times. Such changes will become a part of your path.

[Captain T]

Hi all

Ive made it through another difficult night. I can see the strength me and will keep fighting. 

I will make it through! I can see that it will probably very rocky at times. I have hope and I have some light.

But most of all I have found confidence to make it. That is from you guys and my MH team supporting me a lifting me up through the hardest of times. 
 

At the moment I am feeling ok. It doesn’t stop the feeling of wishing I would just die. At least at the moment though I am reasonably confident that I won’t do it to myself. 

Just wish I could get through this journey easier. But I guess the harder it is the stronger I’ll be. 

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

Im sorry I bailed and didn’t come back to check in. Like you I had 2 good days and wanted to forget I was even in the bad days. So I tried to keep myself busy and away from the things I was doing when I was down.

Unfortunately I got back down to rock bottom yesterday myself and I’ve woken up still there today.

I hate this up and down. But honestly reading your story helps me so much. It instantly makes my chest a bit lighter knowing I’m not alone.

I made a big mistake trying to talk to my husband while going through this and it’s caused many more problems. I understand being with someone with depression must be extremely difficult.

im doing everything I can to fight for my life and to feel good again.

I finally got a phone call Friday to say I had an appointment with a psychologist this Friday coming. I’m super excited to finally be able to get help.

I too got Covid last week while I was already in my down phase, makes it 100x worse, so I understand how you feel. It’s like you keep getting hit while you are down. How rude lol.

I’m here cheering you on along with everyone else, and you should be very proud that you can open up here and never be ashamed.

Like you I hate myself more than anyone else ever could. I don’t like anything about me at all, but I’m really trying to be kinder to myself. It’s very hard. But I like you and you have great qualities, just try to see them yourself. So much easier giving advice than taking it lol.

i hope you are feeling better today 🙂

p.S I have a puppy coming in 6 weeks. Cannot wait to have him for distraction from my crappy life 😂

[ecomama]

Hi Captain T, 

I'm happy to hear you've got new found confidence and if all the help you've sought IS helping, that's wonderful. 

How are you doing today? 

Do you think that possibly the harder our journeys are, the kinder we need to be to ourselves? 

Love EM

[Captain T]

I’m so sorry you hit rock bottom JT84.  It is absolutely gut wrenching but you can come back out of it. I can’t guarantee that you would do back there just know you can keep climbing back up. I am glad that you  have a psychologist app. This will hopefully help with the climb out. A puppy how exciting! That will definitely be a massive distraction! What kind? 

The last couple of nights have been fairly tough but I haven’t hurt myself so that’s a positive. 

I do have the confidence that I can beat this even though the lows are getting me down. But I am out of isolation as of today so I can start to get out and about. I also go back to work tomorrow so I will have more distraction instead of sitting at home. 

I can see so much growth in me already. Im hoping I can continue. I do need to be a lot kinder to myself but I do struggle. The majority of my mornings have been ok. 

I am starting to be more comfortable in ringing my MH line when I’m struggling so that is helping with my confidence. 

I think I am starting to get better as I think I am safe. (Well I feel it at the moment). I still want to die but don’t think I will do it to myself. Self harm is still a problem though. Hopefully this will ease as I get stronger. It just feels like it’s the only way to release the pain when it’s all to much. But I have been able to fight some of the urges and trying safer options. 

Sorry this is a ramble but I just need to write it all down. 

Thanks everyone for listening and all the support. 

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

You already sound like you are coping much better than you were. I’m so glad you have been able to get some help.

im getting a Labradoodle puppy, I’m really hoping he can help with my recovery.

im so up and down all the time I’m really exhausted and so over it. I’m really hoping the psychologist can help, because otherwise I don’t know what other options I have.

I bought a journal as advised by my gp, but I can’t be bothered writing or even grab onto anything that makes sense. Too many thoughts racing in this head of mine.

hopefully being back at work will help keep you occupied and I’m so happy you are finally out of isolation:)

chin up, you are not alone 🙂

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

You are RESILIENT!

Our journeys can be hard and rocky at times but it’s when we learn to challenge these moments that we grow.

Im glad that you have found confidence… hold onto it with both hands.

Keep up the great work.

[ecomama]

Dearest Captain T, please DO write it all out here! We all want to support you and your growth is visible! 

I'm so very proud of you. 

You are showing resilience in the bucket loads. 
You are noticing the signs of when you're feeling vulnerable. 
You're calling your Helpline when you need to. 

WE NEED YOU to call that Helpline because we can't be on the other end of the phone for you and I want to be. 

But we can and always will be here on the forums for you. 

You're one smart cookie thinking to replace the behaviours with other things. 
Please be patient with yourself. 
Some times we can FEEL our improvement and strength and then all of a sudden there, over to the side is that slippery slope. 

You know what you need to do to stay on the steps leading UP. Even if you stay on that one step for a while and get your bearings. 
Mental HEALTH is a strange thing if we haven't felt it for a while. 
Being stable is great. 

You have so got this, 
Love EMxxxx