Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

and YES it does get easier and you can get better.

Our mental health journey is that it’s a journey but it’s a journey that can be very rewarding although there will be ups and downs.

Please stick with your health professionals so they can help you.

I understand that opening up to a psychologist can be scary but once you do open up they will be able to help you find the light.

The light exits ………… I was once consumed by the darkness but now I live fully in the light.

Hold onto hope because this is what will keep you moving forward.

Please ask me anything.

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, even if we knew what the problem was, we may not be sure of how to tackle the problem, that's what a psychologist can do for you.

Can I suggest you start writing down in point form all the issues you are struggling with, and the reason I say in point form, is because they can quickly visualise the problems, whereas if you write a letter, the main points may get lost.

The reason we get lost and don't feel as though we can or want to open up to anyone is because we simply don't want to be told 'you have a good life and everything you need so why are you depressed', we don't want to be criticised by people who don't understand what's actually happening, if they see you acting differently or in a strange way, then knowledge would tell you that something isn't right.

Try the list and keep adding items to it.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Thanks petal22

It’s good to know that if I can keep on going that there is hope and that I may get better.

Yesterday and this morning I can see a small glimmer of light at times. It feels like one step forward and two steps back.

Is this how it was for you?

I know I need to focus on that one step forward but I can’t seem to shift my mindset to that. I keep focusing on the two back and it brings me crashing back down to complete despair. It’s like my head is fighting itself and the bad side keeps winning.

This is the darkest I’ve ever been and it has scared me. I’ve had thoughts that I’ve never had before and didn’t think I’d ever have. I always thought I was stronger than this.

I do believe that my little dog has been my saviour. I have to fight for her as she loves me and needs me. Also being able to open up here and say how I’m really feeling has helped, instead of having to just say ‘I’m ok’. No one really wants to hear that you’re not and also realising it is ok to not be ok and many people are there with you. And many people have been here and made it to the other side.

I am trying to take in what is being written and trying to take on the guidance of others. It is in that small part of my brain that keeps hoping but loses out to that dark side. I do have some clarity at times and think I am putting to much pressure on myself and starting to see some triggers. But the fear, darkness and social anxiety are preventing me from moving forward.

Hopefully my psych will be able to help me move through this

Thanks for listening

Captain T

[Captain T]

Hi Geoff

OMG that is spot on! And hear it a lot.

This horrible illness doesn’t discriminate. People in the best if circumstances can be dealing with while some on the worst are fine. I think that’s why it is so hard to face up to especially when you have been conditioned to it.

I will start the dot points as in my few moments of clarity, I am starting to see little things. I just don’t know how to fix them but im sure that will come when I start to work through it with the psychologist. I get just the points as that needs to be the focus otherwise I’ll get lost in the rambling and focus on it instead of the actual issue.

Thank you so much for your advice and understanding

Captain T

[Doolhof]

Hi CaptainT,

While you are writing down dot points of what is not going so well for you right now, how about you create a list of dot points for the okay stuff, the things that are going well or something you can be thankful for.

These points don't have to be huge.

I made a coffee, I washed my cup after (might be huge for some people.)

I saw a cute little dog which made me smile while out walking

I enjoyed my dinner.

The sun felt good on my face today.

I am really stressed at work some days so I have a note book I write in.

- a staff member said hello today.

- a customer was kind

- I handled a difficult phone conversation well

- my job enables me to go for drives and have coffee.

There is also a Social Zone here on the forum, you might find some threads you may like to join in with. It can provide a sense of connection and also distraction.

[Captain T]

Hi Doolhof

Thanks for the advice. I will jot down the good points too. In a whole world of negatives it would be to see some positive and what I have actually done for myself.

I have to go back to work on Friday and my job is quite boring and monotonous and you spend 10 hrs of a 12 hr shift alone with nothing but a 2way and fm radio. I am terrified that I’m going to get lost in my own headspace. Maybe this will help with keeping me out of it.

I am lucky though that my boss did just ring and see if I was ready to come back or if he needed to authorise more time off. While I haven’t explained the full extent of my darkness and despair, or the stupid things that I’ve done to myself, to him he does know a little He has offered his support in helping me to try and get well. And will help me through my shifts.

Thanks for you support

[Doolhof]

Hi Captain T,

It is wonderful you have a boss who cares! I hope you are able to communicate your needs to your boss.

I am wondering if you have the capacity at work to listen to podcasts or talking books through a library app. ( I actually have no idea how these things work as I am techno challenged but have heard other people talk about them!)

Having a wandering mind that easily drifts to the dark side can be a nuisance! Are there little mind games you could use for distractions? Think of a country or place starting with each letter of the alphabet maybe. Think of 10 movies you would like to see again. Items that are orange in colour.

Sometimes these distractions help me. Not always. Sometimes those darn horrid thoughts just keep going around and around and grow into the perfect storm of doom! Oh Dear! When that happens I really need to be able to tell my mind to stop! That sometimes works too!

Realising I have the power to distract myself can be incredibly enlightening!

Wishing you well on your discovery of ideas, strategies and concepts to help you through.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

You will get better keep telling yourself that your condition is temporary.

Yes definitely my recovery was two steps forward and one back again but eventually the good days out weighed the bad days.

I understand the mindset, mine was quite firmly focused on all the negatives it was really horrible, I kept saying that my mind just wasn't me it went against everything I stood for as a person.

I actually thought I was going crazy and would be admitted to a mental institution but after speaking to my gp she re assured me that it was just my anxiety and she was right as my journey unfolded this was confirmed and I wasn't put in a mental institution it was just my anxiety being driven by my fears.

Let me tell you something what your body is doing is not your fault, I had horrible dark destressing thoughts when I went through severe anxiety OCD I learned that these thoughts usually accompany anxiety and depression.

After the professional help I received being put on medication and doing therapy the thoughts did eventually lift, you just have to hang in there.

I understand I didn't think my mind would ever take me to the places it took me to but it did it was very very scary for me.

You have said that you thought you where stronger than this.......... you are strong Captain T you really are because you are actually building resilience within yourself right now even if you can't see it yet.

Have you been able to speak to those close to you about the way you are feeling? I understand that it's hard some times because we don't really understand it ourselves and we worry how others will take it .

I opened up to my husband about the way I was feeling and about my intrusive thoughts, yes he didn't understand it but he tried and it gave him a bit of insight in regards to why I was acting the way I was.

I'm glad you have your little dog, keep trying to distract yourself and keep busy.

Have you ever tried meditation?

Your really not alone in this I understand and alot of people go through it.

I'm here to chat you

[Captain T]

Hi Doolhof

My boss is really good and is a mate which helps.

Im not very tech savvy either but I can’t have my mobile on site when I’m working.

I’ll take a list of mind distractions with me. It’s a great idea thank you.

[Captain T]

Thanks Petal22

I do feel like I’m going crazy and life is so dark that I’m scared of getting locked up too. I have never been so terrified of what my head is telling me making me feel. I am doing my best to focus on the slight light that I do get in my day and keeping praying that it’s there longer and more often.

I am reading your replies and keep coming back to them. I take a little more from them each time. It is really helpful to see that you got through it and with what worked for you. I really do appreciate it and am so very grateful.

I don’t have anyone in my life that I can completely open up too. I don’t have a partner and not many friends. I do have 3 friends that know a little but I’m scared of what is in my head and I’m worried that I’ll scare them off.

I have downloaded some meditation apps but I can’t seem to switch my messed up head off to concentrate on them and listen.

Thanks so much for your support and knowing I’m not alone. I promise I really am trying to get through just most moments are harder than others.