Dear Stu~
I can't say everything in one post but will try for a few.
I too am an ex MOTF, though don't know if it is the same force as you, doesn't really matter. I was invalided out with the usual suspects, PTSD, depression, anxiety and told I'd never work again. How long have you been out?
Of course the seeds of this were well before. I remember the first time I cried, it hurt, I had difficulty breathing between sobs, it was frightening, and it was a complete surprise -no valid reason I could see.
I'd been trying harder and harder at work, but kept on making more and more mistakes. During this time my brain was full with anxiety over past and future actions, I felt it was all my fault and there was no room for anything else in my head - not even peple I'd loved. I became suicidal.
I wanted to be left alone, I was angry with my wife, disparaging and standoffish over the mildest things -like being offered a cuppa. She walked on eggshells, not knowing it was not her fault, and not knowing if she would have a husband the next time she looked
Dunno if it was the same with you. I used to worry I'd hit her if she roused me from a nightmare or state where I was living in the past, I never did, just angry and shouted. I think just about any other wife would have left me. She was mad to stay
I cant tell you what to do about going away, about your son or your possible marriage breakup. I can ask does you son love you? If so why?
Depression etc makes you hate yourself, it kills hope and makes you think it is all your fault. I know as they had been my thoughts over quite a long while.
They no longer apply. I was convinced they were genuine, now I know they were poison made by depression, not me, not my own thoughts.
OK, the good bit. I'm hapy to be alive , can give as well as receive support and love, and work where I get satisfaction.
No I would not have believed it either when in your state, some know-nothing do-gooder trying to cheer me up.
The hard bit. Getting better takes time and some false starts, it is not easy and you end up 'recovered' which does not mean you are as you were before, but cope with down times and generally have a life you would not give up.
Decent medical support (psychiatrist) plus some hospitalization plus finding a new purpose all played there part.
You have buried inside you as much sense as me, you have to have to have been a MOTF, fortitude and potential to recover. Your son loves you becuse you are lovable.
Talk again
Croix
