Chronic health diagnosis. A new job. And a happy boyfriend.

[Alkaco21]

Hi everyone. First time poster here.
I’ve battled with depression as long as I can remember. I definitely go through periods where I’m okay and then times when I can’t manage to look after myself. The down periods are becoming more frequent. I have what I would consider to be high functioning depression. I did very well at school/uni. I have always worked hard and had great jobs ahead of others my age. I had my own water front apartment by age 23. To everyone looking in, I have everything. Even to me I know I have everything I could ever want. I still get home of an evening and can’t stop crying. I fight with myself to get out of bed in the mornings because I haven’t slept.

Last year I got diagnosed with a chronic health condition and that’s really thrown me around. Especially because often this particular disease is an immune response caused by immense stress levels - something I know I have. I have a lot of guilt now piled onto an already debilitating condition because I know if I’d looked after myself better and loved my body, I probably wouldn’t be facing this lifelong illness now. There’s no treatment.

I’ve recently finished uni and have landed a great job that I start next week. I can’t even describe the anxiety I feel over that and the imposter syndrome is very real. I can’t stop the thoughts telling me I need to call it quits and move home because I won’t cope with it. The same depression also tells me I’ll be a failure if I do go home. I’m an adult and I should be able to deal with a normal adult life. So - why can’t I?


I met a great boy last year. He has his life together. A great job. A positive outlook. He’s generally happy. I’m just this depressed ball of emotion who needs to be looked after and absolutely crumples in a heap when we’re apart. (He works in another state). The weeks we get to see each other are great and I feel almost better. And then he’s gone and I’m a mess. I put my stress and anxiety on him and I don’t think it’s fair. I think he’s my person but I turn into a completely needy depressed mess and he shouldn’t have to tolerate that. Then I push him away in the throws of one of my episodes which are happening most days now. I’ve supported someone suicidal and I know the toll it takes.

I just wondered if anyone has battled with anything similar and how you dealt with it. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for 4 months but don’t thinks that’s helped. Really considering medication. Any replies are welcomed. Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

There might well be no treatment available for your condition, however, there is treatment in how you cope with it.

For example, you mention guilt. Tackling guilt by vari o us means could assist you moving forward.

Please Google

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Then you mentioned the difficulty moving house. Perhaps waiting until you're ready mentally to do so is the key

Google

Beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

Finally you said you fall in a heap when your boyfriend departs. Any wonder- that's how love is. The answer could be more forward planning together say 12 months time living together etc. That way you'll know there is a future you've planned. That will make you feel secure.

Your psychologist is worth keeping for a while because he she has just got to know you.

TonyWK

[Jack2021]

Hi alkaco😊

I can relate with so much of this right now...minus having great jobs and a waterfront apartment by age 23 😂

But if you don't mind sharing, or even you don't actually have to say here if you don't want to, but do you actually know what has been causing your depression and stress?

I only ask because looking at myself, I've suffered from minor depression, stress, and anxiety over the years, all of them worked out when I removed/ worked out the issues, but now at age 27, I'm going through pretty much the worst depression of my life, and as hopeless as it makes me feel almost all the time, when I look into myself I can see the reason, except this time it's a lot more difficult, (which is that I'm completely and utterly at a loss of what to do job/careerwise)

I did counselling for 2-3 months like you, and thought it wasn't helping much, but tbh now I think it has been silently helping, since my depression has got so much more severe since xmas onwards, since my psychologist has been on holidays until early Feb

Same as you as well, I have really been considering medication, but I'm not wanting to go on it until after I've talked with my psychologist, and also I'd rather give it a good shot of resolving problems I have if I can do it...

So yeah...I reckon keep seeing your psychologist so long as you like him/her, and I know it's not easy, but just know your bf loves you and will do almost anything to support you, most men are like that and it's great to see 😊

And ohh if you like, I've heard lavender oil can help with mild anxiety, stress, etc, etc, and I've used it recently and it seems to help me a bit... 😊 though I did remove myself from a toxic workplace at the same time, so that has helped a lot too 😂
 

[fortunecookie]

Hi Alkaco,

When I started reading your post I thought I had written it and forgotten about it! So many similarities, except the good jobs... At age 30 I was a minimum wage sales promoter in supermarkets with a top-of-class Masters degree in Business, back living at home, failing at finding a job, just coming to terms with a chronic medical condition, and pretty depressed. And my relationship was long distance as well...

Six years on and I have a great job, live with my partner (who is happy and doesn't understand depression), have two cats that are my babies... and I've spent most of my day off today crying. (Which is why I'm here right now, reading your post.) I think I get you 😉

It took me over 3 years and four attempts to find a psychologist that I feel comfortable with and that is really helping me. The others, not so much, or even making me feel worse! So if you feel that this one isn't working for you, try another one. And another one. Until you find the right fit, or something else that works.

I personally found the headspace app and their guided meditations very helpful (and I was super sceptical at first). They have courses on managing anxiety, coping with stress, sadness... That's on the subscription though, but the first month basics is free. I'm in my second year and just re doing the anxiety course, and they have lots of sleep casts too if you have problems falling asleep.

Have you started your new job yet? I can imagine the anxiety and stress that would be causing you. Take it one step at a time. Chances are, you've got this!!

But if you decide that you just can't, and you want to move home and be with your family, then that's ok too. You have nothing to prove.

And that chronic medical condition - crap like that just happens, please don't blame yourself. I know that might be hard to impossible right now, but try and tell yourself to stop it. During my worst times, I would call myself names constantly, beating myself up over failures, and I found that it really helped when I would tell myself "no, it's not your fault" or "no, you're not an idiot, you just made a mistake - everybody does sometimes" and so on.

And regarding medication, I've also had to try lots, I think four over the last three years, and ended up going back to the first ever meds I was on 9 years ago.. back then I hated them, lower dose and didn't really do much good, but now they've helped me a lot.

I hope some of this is helpful. Hang in there and all the best!