I don't like the world since 2012

[LostPigeon407]

I don't like my generation, not only with modern music, but because I am religious and too rare to relate with their modern secular differences. I also don't like the economy today and the expense of living or with education. I prefer 2000's and 1990's clothing and that is not what they make today. Despite knowing Australia's alright, I prefer the cultural attitude of a collectivist society and I hate the individualist approach for numerous reasons. I definitely don't like how modern people don't have any humility and can't take accountability for when their in the wrong, people are too shallow and socially superficial and the look others down with stigma. I also wish people were more light hearted and that actions were still seen as louder than words, rather than controversial because you said something that should be forgotten about by tomorrow.

[white knight]

Hi Lost Pigeon and other contributors here,

Your last post LP I am similar, but I've embraced my conditions  hence my personality and I love it. This has allowed me to writer my poetry many of which are in our poetry corner 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/bb-social-zone/the-poetry-corner-post-your-poems-in-here/td-p/54...

For many years I was upset I wasnt normal, then it dawned on me that "normal" is to be a sheep, follow everyone, do what everyone does. I am unique as you all are, I'm beautiful and wonderful and I dont care for those that think otherwise- they are wrong. I'm caring and empathetic as you are or you wouldnt care to write here, I'm on the lookout for injustices everywhere, where ever I go.

I cared for crying prisoners in a jail when most of the other officers befriended me for my attitude, I've yelled at people belting their animals in parks, I've embraced my sensitivity by replying to those that say "grow a thicker skin" with "what supermarket is that sold"... 

I'm not a hero, I am what humans should aspire to be if they are not already- loving, kind and different. 

My nightmares are- to grow old and be driven in a bus with other oldies that dress the same with rules that mean we all must talk the same and walk together. 

I over think things also, that means I'm motivated by perfectionism and no it isnt good so I learned to relax and accept this imperfect world for what is life itself... imperfect. As a young man I rejected society, tried 5 times to ride my motorcycle up the Snowy mountains to never return, live off the land, be a hermit... only to return each time several days later. Then I realised, people like me are best to reap whatever you can from society and build a fortress, a mental barricade to save myself from the evil side of communities. So I moved to the country and slowly drifted off into my own peaceful world. 

Now I've perfected how long to talk to a neighbour (20 seconds, appear friendly) then "I've got to go sorry". How to stop for an injured animal and spend the whole day finding a sanctuary. 

Embrace yourself, it isnt you, its society's expectations.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

TonyWK

[LostPigeon407]

I hate the fact that I've been misdiagnosed with Schizophrenia and treated wrongly for the last 12 years with pharmaceuticals. 

I had a 3 - 5 years with a negative out look on my life when I was younger last decade. I made destructive choices which got me wrongly diagnosed with Schizophrenia for these reasons below.

In 2013 I had just overcame 6 years of suffering during high school. I also made the mistake of be friending two of the school bullies again for a extra 5 years after. They were making me feel rock bottom in my early 20's and were terrible friends in numerous other ways. It's worse when I was supposed to develop driving and start working payed jobs or study something. I couldn't forward my life since I didn't have any direction for which jobs I am suitable for and I didn't like any studies too. I couldn't do University without having a VCE and I didn't want any construction pathways or want hospitality, factory, sales or even generic retail jobs. Beyond all this I have a vain, dysfunctional father that doesn't give a shit about anything to do with me, sits behind the T.V. and just has negative beliefs about me. I had a rare infatuation with this girl that I could never have either and it drove me over the edge, also too since I had no money without actively working, at the time back then I couldn't even afford a car or pursue driving lessons. 

What I hate now is not just the consequences from the pharmaceuticals. Especially my pre diabetes diagnosis, but how when I talk with any doctor, I'm virtually made to feel indenyl for not agreeing with the diagnosis and I can't be given a voluntary choice to try coming off the meds. I have to be granted medical certificates to drive and eventually I'm going to be made to have another off road & on road occupational assessment one day since the diagnosis is Schizophrenia which is typically the worst diagnosis anyone thinks about. 

I've never had voices but if I claim to be religious and argue that I have a spiritual belief system, they always think I'm psychosis or that. I've always found it hard to live in Australia's mentality because compared to American's they relate with those moral compass and personal beliefs better.

I hate how the psychiatrist's can acknowledge the likeliness of side effects but they don't hypocritically take accountability when they don't admit it was the meds, they try to say there could be other factors, even when the med box said high to moderate risk for diabetes and when countless scientific studies and evidence talks about the dangers with anti psychotics. I hate being treated as a second class citizen in some professional sense and I hate how most of them aren't sympathetic at all. They either laugh about it or think I'm tragic without being authentic to make that known to anyone besides me.

[LostPigeon407]

I'm tired of not knowing wither it's mostly true or wither I'm generalising, but I just believe society is vain and superficial. I read a quote online that people listen to respond, & rather not to understand. I feel there's no point in really confessing my problems to anyone, I feel It's either cliché advice or people just actively don't care.

I also get depressed in terms of my identity, because I've also always been wondering if I'm more American or British mentality or Australian. I like these three countries for their differences. I feel a blend between the three but I can't travel to have the insight to ever actually know. I feel American because I want the religious differences but I definitely approve of our Aussie tall poppy syndrome that we have here. I hate the idea of anyone treating this as not a valid depressive topic since culture and belonging is a huge importance to how I relate and co exist with a society.

I also have differences to my generation but I'm still not like older generations that have the hostility or any dysfunctionality, but I don't consider myself a modernist only in certain ways. I hate the feeling that If I want to be like the older generations that some people might find it cringe as the say. It does bother me that everyone hates other generations or thinks that you are the stereotype of whichever you are.

[LostPigeon407]

I was bullied all during high school and I had verbal and physical suffering. I made the mistake of staying in touch with two of them until 23 for a extra 5 years after school.

My mother is a lot better than my Dad and she's been the only person involved in my life, making effort, sacrifices and being to talk too. But somehow since I was 13 I felt that my mother would always brush off the informative things I tried telling her. That she would listen to my younger twin brother or anyone else more than me. That she treated me as dumber or special. If I didn't agree with her she made me out to be immature or that I was throwing tantrums or being embarrassing and believing that strangers actually care about a brief argument we have in a shopping complex. 

I've hated my father all my life. He was never a positive reinforcement in anyway. He was never socially involved, understanding, caring, praising or encouraging. He was just a useless father that sat behind the television and wanted everyone quiet. The only useful quality he had was paying the bills, He was a negative impact from a psychological and emotional perspective when he was telling me directly that I'm soft, weak and too close to my mother. He sais I'm socially inept and a hermit, that I'm pale and he tells my mother that I don't want to work, just because I haven't had suitable direction and while Australia's going through a recession and when my job recruiters don't have many offers. He tells my mother that I shouldn't be driving and he undermines that employers mandate people to have their driving independence to be flexible and viable. He blackmails that my Centrelink pension is a allowance, even if it's not money from a immediate family member. To make it worse since I've been under psychiatrist since 2012, Even though I don't agree with the diagnosis. He uses it against me to say I'm disabled and he provokes me to rage and then stands me down and tells me he will get me locked in a mental hospital or that I can leave home, regardless how had rental accommodations are to get and with no direction/work history and only financially a DSP. I can't even cook anything on the gas stove, because he sais I will burn the house down and watches over me. He holds grudges and treats my vocabulary or literature as that I'm dyslexic. He treats if any concerns as it all being imagination and in my head too. If he ever offered help and made anything worse he tells me in derogatory terms to do it myself. 

[Croix]

Dear LostPigeon407~

Your father sounds horrible, a bigoted chauvanist with no time or empathy for anyone. Everyone, those on DSP included, are entitled to be treated with respect, doubly so when it is by a person the should have their welfare at heart - such as a parent.

It is a great pity you are financially dependent on him -at least for now. This means of course that to argue with him or stand up for your self risks being told 'my way or the  highway'. So I personally in that situation would not feel like meeting him head on.

Things can change and your circumstances allow you to live elsewhere, something to hope for. I do feel sorry for your mother, even if she does not always listen or treat you properly, as her options are more limited and living wiht that sort of person permanently does not bear thinking about.

Not everyone does agree wiht hte diagnosis of thier psychiatrist. Though I've found (and I've had an awful lot of treatment) that it is if you are getting an overall benefit, rahter than just a lablel. Do you find the sessions help at all?

I"ve been lucky to get on well wiht mine, and I think that has been the major benefit together wiht eventually settling on medication that helps wihtout side-effects.

Incidentaly people are not locked up in a psych ward just on the say so of a parent, it takes a proper assessment by qualified persons who are normally well aware of the family dynamics. It is not something ot worry about, I'm sure you would present as someone who did not need the extra assistance of a hospital

I think I remember you saying you had done some volunteering, I hope I got that right. If you did how did you find it?

You are mature person and I hope htat all those years of being put down by him, and bullied at school, have not made you think you are in any way less than anyone else.

Croix

[LostPigeon407]

I'm not happy with being under pharmaceutical exposure. I haven't agreed with them for 12 years and they just undermine me as being indenyl or lacking insight, even when I know their the ones who are actually wrong. In just 12 years of the anti psychotics, I've overcame heavy weight gain when I used to be 87 kg, now I'm 68 kg. I overcame nausea from different oral tablets. I have stretch marks from since having the weight gain. I have had a cholecystectomy, So now I don't live with a gallbladder and I have to also manage diabetes, Since I was diagnosed with pre diabetes in 2017. I also have to need medical certificates approved ever year to be legalised in agreement with Vic Road's to drive. My licence was restricted to only a automatic transmission, I don't want to drive manual but it's still only instilled since I have the diagnosis dilemma. 

I don't even think my GP or psychiatrist would even care to know my father in my  family dynamic, They would only have to tell me their concerned and force me to visit a Catt Team and then I would be told to voluntarily admit myself or be taken in against my wishes.

It's hard having confidence because of my father and he has a likeminded sister whose virtually just like him and she looks like him, despite being apparently female. I've had to know my father's friend who thinks I'm virtually a loser because his 9 or 8 years older than me and achieved his marriage, kids and working in a full time job. I always only think back to my school bastard friends because they have more mental, emotional and social confidence than myself. They gave me many un wanted opinions, nick names and they tell themselves they have a better life and wither I'm desperate, insecure, rock bottom or any other shit. One of them recently graduating with a cyber security bachelor degree and his a arsewhole like his mother.

[LostPigeon407]

I am supposed to be pursuing creative music, but not after all my problems and lack of life success to live up to regularity.

Now it's even worse because since 2021 I've had continuous un wanted spiritual experiences, from within my conscious. I get so many experiences, wither it's what I can feel, be told, or what feels like others talking about me. I don't know how they started doing it, who they are and how I can't stop it. I get told that I weren't intelligent, I get told that I'm different, that I'm unique, that I'm special and Australia wasn't. That I'm innocent, they tell me that I'm something about the seventies. They laugh about me and the other day I was repeatedly told suck my f*****g d**k. It's abusive and discriminating. I can differentiate it's not psychosis because  everything I did that lead to my mental health drama and diagnosis had nothing to do with my state of reality, I knew why and what I was always doing. The mysterious spirituality started only eight years after and it's like my own reality is trying to haunt me to bully me into agreeing with a diagnosis that I've never even had.  

I've also always wanted to be American for my beliefs. I wanted to be born in a country that had richer culture, greater diversity. I knew since I was in primary school that I wanted to be American. I am more mixed hearted between American & Australian. I honestly feel American but I do enjoy the Australian sporting and national standards. I just don't feel like Australia's beliefs or there's different nature and personality with the social exchanging. 

[Croix]

Dear LostPigeon407~

Being told by your father or his friend all those horrible things, it is no wonder your mind has picked them up, and they makes it pretty hard to disregard all these put-downs

When you look at it you are doing a mighty job. You have coped not only with bullying at school, but also all tho use insulting and disparaging remarks by you father and his friend (who sounds as if he has had life easy)

Losing that much weight deserves respect, and dealing wiht a cholecystectomy makes things limiting, as well as which you deal wiht diabetes. These are real accomplishments and I admire you for it. Having any sort of driving license is good, and I'd personally sooner concentrate on the traffic conditions than worry about changing gears.

Having spiritual experiences, especially unwanted ones, I guess can be confusing and sometime blur what is in the mind and what is not.  If it's Ok to ask how do you manage?

I'd imagine both some parts of America and some parts of Australia have their attractive points, and awful lot would depend on exactly where you were. There is culture and social interaction in both if you land at the right spot (and have the money to enjoy them:)

I've always wanted to visit New York to go to the experimental theaters off-Broadway but cant see it happening unless I win the lottery.

I hope I get to hear from you some more, always provided you feel like it of course.

Croix

[LostPigeon407]

Hey Croix, thanks for your response. I've heard that phrase before that the meaner types usually get success in the world and the good hearted are more suffering as some used to say. 

The thing that frustrates me about my driving, It's not about wanting a manual transmission licence. It's just more about being discriminated to not being allowed the option. I also hate the feeling where you can't actively abide to the road rules because other drivers are vain or speeding, their not giving way and know the rules, they take dumb chances and sometimes make careless decisions.

People sadly don't share any religious beliefs in this modern century, So when I talk about spirituality their only thinking it's psychosis. People only think within the constraints of science and physics. I am fully able to differentiate it's not mental and it's just a un wanted attachment, somehow something is zoning in and haunting me and making my misfortunate circumstances worse. I just have many differences to others and it wouldn't really matter if the world believed me. I don't have answers for how this started, who is doing it to me, either way I can't do anything to stop the abuse of it. I don't really cope with it, I just have to accept I can't change what my reality is.

I hope you at least can visit New York and see the theaters off-Broadway. I'd love the lottery too.

[Croix]

Dear Lostpigeon407~

Yes, I've heard the same thing to that sometimes the meaner and more ruthless succeed or gain position.  I guess it comes form being prepared to always put themselves first, wiht other people not as important.  Would you want to swap and be one of them ?

I'd be surprised, as somone wiht religious or spiritual beliefs it does not seem to fit. As for your spiritual experiences, I think you are saying no matter what htey are you can tell the difference, and that they are not on the outside. That in itself is a very useful tool and may even help you discount hte more unkind and inaccurate thoughts.

As for why they happen, perhaps it is simply an echo of the poor treatment outside - I dunno. I also think htat accepting they happen is a form of  coping - something you are good at despit what others may say.

I agree with you about the manual/automatic thing. I don't realy see why there is that restriction, as you say there are so many on the roads who drive badly and have small regard for the rules they are the ones that need restrictions. Actually it might be a blessing in disguise, Up until my body packed it in I rode a motorbike all my life everywhere and found the more time I could spend concentrating on the next dangerous driver the better.

Yes, winning Tats would be good, though I'm not holding my breath:)

Croix