Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I appreciate the kind words about me I really do, no one has ever really described me like that so I certainly appreciate it and even if 1% of what I say can help someone I am happy. I know you have influenced me greatly so for that thank you!

I feel like a lot of my inner destructive dialogue starts off innocently like you say and just gets out of control. I do feel I am shutting it down quicker now which is a hopeful sign but I also feel like whilst that's good there is a certain general/mood feeling that isn't overall positive. I find it hard to explain but its like I am feeling more relaxed but sort of like a resignation type feeling is making me more relaxed as silly as that sounds because I sort of feel resigned to certain things about myself.

I can relate to other emotions getting out of control and taking over I feel like I am still battling this day to day it's very hard to manage. I guess as long as we're taking the steps to look after ourselves and at least making the effort to manage it then I think that is what we can control and will get us to where we'd like to be.

Something my psych has told me that has stuck with me and might help is...even if we manage to stop our destructive thoughts or moods by 10 seconds then that's 10 seconds more than last time which is improvement and we should acknowledge it. Even if we are 1% better one day to the next that is 1% improvement which we should acknowledge, not just acknowledge when we are down which I know is a habit of mine.

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I believe as long as we're always working to graduate to higher states of consciousness and self awareness we're making progress. Can't always feel the progress but you can feel the progress points that are outstanding, such as the ability to feel your state of mind shift faster, out of where you don't want it to be. Btw, I've fallen into the trap before of believing there's something 'wrong' with me if I can't shift my mind as easily as I usually can. I've come to realise the mindset that takes longer to shift typically involves a deeper challenge than usual. The deeper challenges are the ones that offer significant levels of graduation. They can sometimes be the more painful ones that need significant exploration. They can take time.

It's interesting how you mention resigning yourself to who you believe yourself to be. With my intention to resign, regarding my job, and with my love of analysing the hell out of words, 'resign' is a word I've been thinking about lately. What does it mean to resign? Perhaps the question should be 'What does it mean to re-sign or sign again?'. What is the contract we're signing within a period of transition? I've made a contract with myself to sign on to all that needs my attention in life at the moment and into the next year. I am not signing in to future work shifts beyond my last day in my current job. Every day I will wake and sign again to the contract I now make in life with myself, a contract that involves significant change and hard work.

When you re-sign to a nature you believe you have, make sure it's your true nature you are signing into again. For example, a person may have re-signed (like many times before) to the belief 'I'm hopeless'. If it is their true nature to seek hope, they are best signing a different contract, one that may dictate 'I am a seeker of hope and inspiration, therefor I will not settle for a lack of hope and inspiration. I will seek these things until I find them and feel them'. Easier said than done of course, singing into an entirely different belief/identity than what we're used to working with.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I really appreciate the continued advice I value it so highly!

I feel like I have confused myself so much and let outside influences affect me so much I get scrambled about what my nature is and whether it is ok to be like that or whether I should be doing more or being more I don't even know.

Feel like I am in strange place coming towards the end of what's been an extremely challenging year for me personally and I don't really know whether I even show signs of progress at all. My physical symptoms of anxiety have calmed down a lot but I reckon that's mainly because of the medication not because of me at all. 

As like summer comes around I'm starting to get like feelings of loneliness spark again and I am fearful I am going to spiral because I am already starting to feel flat about it all again and I just feel like I wasted a year of my life being like this and trying to get better only to be like this again.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've found it can be so incredibly gradual, this coming to know our self business. Can be so slow, where we come to life bit by bit, year by year, until we can look back 10 years down the track and say 'I barely recognise myself compared to who I was 10 years ago'.

I've come to know myself better in so many varied ways. You might be able to relate to some

• While parts of me may die off, other parts are free to come to life (not always easy to recognise these parts at first)
• Some people may point out aspects of us in ways we've never considered before. So, we can come to life through gradual mind altering revelations that lead us to gain a new found sense of pride in our self
• We reform through the tests we face, through the challenges. This can include the challenge of seeking counseling and also experimenting with meds that make a difference, leading us to see our self in ways that feel more liberated
• We can come to know our self in new ways through working hard to let go of the old, those old habits or mental programs we once believed, without a doubt, defined us. Sometimes it's nice to find out how wrong we were when it comes to who we thought we were
• We can meet people who have the natural ability to bring out the best in us. Perhaps no one we've ever met has been able to do this before. We can also meet like minded people who prove to us there's nothing too much 'wrong' with us, we're simply unique and sometimes even pretty amazing

There are just so many different ways in which we come to life more and more. The average person has 80 or so years to do it. Ideally, it'd be great to be able to do it in 30 and spend the rest of our life in a nice cruisey state but that's simply not the nature of life. Life is designed to test us and to have us reach revelations continuously. We're always learning, always coming to life in new ways.

We will continue to come to life🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can relate to all of those definitely and obviously in varied degrees due to my limit life experience so far.

I do feel like I am and am still learning a lot about myself that is helping me get better at dealing with different situations or anxieties.

I also think I have come to a sort of limit or realisation where the theme is sort of "enough is enough" and I want to remove my inner critic/filter & the sort of protective layers I have up around myself because I feel like enough is enough I don't want to have a filter and I want to trust myself to say or act on my initial instinct and not be fearful of the worst happening all the time.

For example, coincidentally coinciding with this thought process I went on a date which was probably the most enjoyable date I have had in a long time and I am extremely anxious about doing/saying the wrong thing etc etc as usual but I want to act on instinct for once in my life and just relax and see what happens. 

What I could probably use advice on is why I feel like trying to let myself relax and just seeing what happens and trying to take this approach is somehow heightening my anxiety and I really don't want to do what I have done in the past and make it consume me...do you think the fact I am trying to change my approach and do something new causes this anxiety. Does that make sense?

I don't know how to practically not let things like this consume me and just act on instinct. For example, sometimes even just putting my arm around a girl that I like makes me nervous because of whether they will be receptive or be uncomfortable by it and then if I don't do it will I just be consider a nice guy and that's it like how do you progress these things it makes my mind race.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

When I resigned last week, my boss was incredibly understanding and very supportive. As I mentioned to her 'I recall you saying some time ago how challenging anxiety can be, based on your own experience. I never realised just how challenging it can be until this year, when I experienced it for myself on a number of occasions. I never realised how depressing the dialogue that comes with anxiety can be'. She smiled in acknowledgement. You know how those inner demons can sound: 'You're hopeless. Why can't you function like everyone else?! You're weak, that's why' and on it can go. It can get pretty dark and abusive. She advised me to carefully pay attention to anxiety, as it is always forcing some form of constructive change, leading us to a need to develop.

When I feel it, the anxiety building, I've found I have to name it. I can't simply call it anxiety otherwise I get consumed in feeling it. 'The anxiety that comes with...' is how I name it. The anxiety that comes with taking on more than I can manage (not recognising my limits). The anxiety that comes with a lack of time management. The anxiety that comes with facing a degrading person. It's so important to identify it. That last, involving degrading people, I realised if I shift my reality a little, what I'm really sensing at times is the feeling of a rise to courage. I think we can go for years, even decades, without identifying what 'an enormous rise to courage' really feels like.

While the rise to courage is a fearful feeling, it can also be a soulful feeling, where those butterflies suddenly turn into what feel like eagles that take us somewhere incredible. They can take us to places we once dreamed of, where we are upstanding and downright amazing. Through courage we amaze our self.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Apologies I did not ask how the resignation went, how are you feeling and I hope it was like a weight off your shoulders to a degree and have relaxed in the days following.

It sort of feels like to me like what you're describing, like it's an uncomfortable feeling doing or trying to change mindsets & break destructive habits because I guess those destructive habits that I have built from anxiety/depression are like a wall of protective barriers around me.

I have been more and more so feeling like I need to finally bring those barriers down and let things just play and trust that I will be ok even if things don't pan out the why I initially hope. I think because it's unforeign but me to even attempt doing this properly and challenge those destructive habits it's making me anxious but maybe it is a good type of anxious? Again, don't make if that makes sense haha

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Yes, the resignation has come to be a greater relief than what I imagined. As the challenges in life begin to increase, every time I think of them I am so relieved to know I will have the time to manage them. It's an incredible feeling. And as I enter into the process of reforming my relationship with my husband (into being one of strong friendship), I have expressed to him what a great act of friendship it is that I feel from him, with him supporting my need to resign.

Breaking habits and mindsets is definitely hard, especially when one of those habitual mindsets involves caring so much about what others think. I went through it all, all that dialogue that states 'You can't resign, you'll lose your financial independence' and 'that's not fair on your husband' and 'you can't have a man look after you, you'll lose your identity as a self sufficient woman' and on it went, all the reasons for not resigning. After having listened to the sage in me or whatever powers that be, what kept coming to mind was 'Stop caring so much about what others think, otherwise you will continue to suffer while you serve them and their opinions'. 

'A good type of anxious'. Sounds like you're on the verge of identifying a new emotion. I've found, in the lead up to fully identifying a new emotion, the typical questions and statements that come to mind are 'What is this feeling? I've never felt this before. I have no idea what or how I'm feeling' etc. Then, bamm, it hits and you add it to the growing list of emotions you're coming to gradually identify. I've found new emotions are also about 'levels'. While exhaustion, for example, can be one we're familiar with, 'pure exhaustion' has a whole different feel to it. Joy vs pure joy. Despair vs pure despair. The list goes on. Where we feel an emotion can be key to identifying it. Courage churns within the solar plexus and sometimes it is also deeply heartfelt, when we endeavor to love our self beyond our fears 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I am very happy to hear you have experienced a sense of relief from the resignation I truly believe it will prove to be a great move for you and even a well earned and deserved break mentally from what sounds like something that was creating an added weight on top of other feelings you have been experiencing.

I think you should be extremely proud of yourself to take the courage to take this step as well, I think you should really acknowledge that it took a great deal of courage to go against those mindsets and habits you mention to take the step of resigning because you acted on what YOU wanted for YOU. In my limited life experience I can atest to how hard it is to really overcome those mindsets and act on what it is you really would like to do deep down without being influenced by outside judgement...something I very much so still struggle with now, for example with finding a partner often I will think "what will my parents say about xyz", "what will my friends say about xyz", this is a very big challenge I need to overcome...you are an example for me of the proof that you can overcome it!

I guess part of me has been feeling like there is a certain level of nervousness or anxiousness that is healthy. What I mean by this is, I have probably attached negative connotations to anxiety in everywhere but it was explained to me once that if you really think about it if we were never to be anxious or nervous life would be a bit stale....it's about recognising a sort of rational level of nerves v an irrational level of nerves. For example if I am nervous about a date with someone I like..this could more so be attributed to excitement not necessarily a negative panic/fear that will make me a bit of a mess like it has in the past. I feel like you have said many times it is the inner dialogue that can shift the sort of meaning behind certain nervous feelings and helps stop them from becoming destructive levels of nerves. Does that make sense?

Hope you are well! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Thank you so much for your soulful words of encouragement, they mean a lot. I do admit I feel more courageous than I did before reading your post. Now, I feel more like a pioneer in my life. I shall begin preparing my metaphorical backpack for this journey.

Over time I've come to see anxiety as serious hyperactivity. A healthy amount of activity can be productive, where as an excessive or hyper amount can become stressful and exhausting. I think one of the reasons I love understanding the basics of quantum physics is because it tells me who I am from a certain perspective. I am a composition of energetic cells that individually and collectively vibrate at some level. I can raise my overall vibration (vibe) or lower it, depending on the skills I have. The cells in my body can be under excited, basically excited or over excited. Under excited and life can feel depressing, over excited and it can feel stressful (unless we're enjoying this level of excitement). Basically it's about the excitement our cells are experiencing. How we interpret that excitement we're feeling in our body becomes a mental issue and a soulful issue in some ways.

While quantum physics offers an interesting way of looking at our self, the reason I also appreciate certain aspects of spirituality is because they address more so how the energy in motion or not in motion in some cases can impact us e-motionally, physically and mentally. While we are matter in physical form experiencing fluctuating degrees of energy, according to QP (not terribly romantic), from a soulful perspective matters of the heart can be felt (through heartache), matters of self expression can be felt (through finding our self choked up on occasion), matters of the mind can be felt through tension headaches etc etc. So, we can feel energetic blocks and flows. This points to the significance of our 'feelings', how we feel/experience our self in connection to life (aka the quantum field).