Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you have been doing well!

I completely agree with what you're saying, I think maybe I have tried in the past to try do things practically without having a real foundation behind the theory of what is it I want or really understanding what is it I am dealing with inside myself. I think I realise now I attempted to really "push through" a lot of things I have been having issues with for quite a while such as depressive thoughts, anxiety and lack of identity/belief and I felt like if I just pushed through it would magically click into place but I realise now this was not sustainable and I have been trending toward a big crash so to speak.

I think without realising fully but a few little decisions I made when I really hit my rock bottom at the start of the year for example to continue to seek support on this forum and get a new psych started the ball rolling for me to learn to understand what is that I have to work on and what I have been carrying and as a result understand better what/who I am.

There is still quite a lot I have been feeling and I do have my episodes for sure and still can be semi-regular but I think I understand now what these are and why they come about and I have been using the last few months to really slowly piece things together in my life and try to take myself out of things where I have felt inadequate.

I can't thank you enough for all your support through this and kind/wise words which I often come back to read through and it genuinely fills me with a great feeling of hope!

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Hope you're very well and healthy!

I can't thank you enough for the kind words and support you have given me it does mean a lot!

I can relate to what you went through as well as I experienced very similar and I think your psych was right it's unfamiliar. I had the same feeling when I have started to be a bit more assertive, it feels strange and uncomfortable but ultimately in a good way.

I still have many things I have to work through and decisions I need to make but at least I feel like I can see a path or direction forward now whereas I felt like I was in a complete blackhole for most of the year.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Coming to better understand what the darker and tormenting episodes are about is a massive breakthrough. It begins to change a lot of things. This is something I've found for myself. Instead of continuing to think 'What's wrong with me? Will I never be free, for the rest of my life, from returning to periods of depression?', I've now come to see it as 'I know I'm now within a challenge that's depressing or potentially depressing. What new skills or insight do I need to develop in order to make my way through and out the other side of this?'. Of course, not easy to be so philosophical while where in a dark period but at least we're able to keep in mind how the dark times work, why they happen in most cases. The dialogue can begin to change a little more too. For example, it can go from 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so dysfunctional? Why am I so sensitive?' to 'What am I facing? What new skill or skills do I need to develop? What am I currently sensing which I can't quite put my finger on yet?'.

To discover sensitivity to be an ability rather than a weakness is also a massive game changer. So, instead of suppressing, suppressing, suppressing you begin to develop your sensitivity in ways that really come to serve you. Whether it be 'I sense a false belief system lies behind my anxiety, a belief system I need to let go of' or 'I can sense that person doesn't have the ability to help me through this depressing episode. I'll find some who I can sense will make some difference', either way you can begin better sensing the truth of the matter, based on your increased sensitivity. You're no longer working with lies, I suppose you could say. One of the worst lies to be working with is 'I am pathetic'.

I'm so glad I've been able to make such a positive difference to you. As I've mentioned before, you've made a big difference to me too, leading me to see things from a variety of new perspectives. I believe when 2 people are able to raise each other to new perspectives, new states of consciousness, they are raising each other. Thanks for raising me Daniel 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for the kind words and if I have somehow made a positive influence on you I am glad although your impact on me has been far greater I am sure!

I think you’re very right as well, not that I’ve completely figured out everything but there’s definitely a sense that when I’m a dark period it actually seems to get better a bit quicker because I understand better what it is that’s happening and causes of it. 

A few things have happened recently which would of sent me down a spiral of depression for weeks on end but strangely I have been able to have a sense of calmness about those incidents and been able to “get over” them a lot quicker which is good I guess.

There is still plenty of stuff I can see moving forward that has the potential to send me down the rabbit hole I was in again for sure but I think it’s some sort of positive that I can see what these might be before they might happen and I have raised them with my pysch to see what I can do to help. 

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Managing major down swings can be such hard work. I've found it can be even harder when I've been making great progress and then BAMM, I'm suddenly down. While I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way for no reason?', I came to realise there is always a reason.

Clear or obvious reasons or triggers for the down swings are pretty easy to work out. A lot of those can relate to guilt, regret or measuring yourself against someone else who appears to be achieving a lot in life. The not so obvious ones can involve a slight shift in internal chemistry, a trigger word, seemingly innocent internal dialogue that starts up and takes a dark turn and you didn't notice the turning point, not generating enough energy through food (nuclear energy), exercise (kinetic energy), vitamin D (solar energy), hydration (hydro energy) and so on. We can have dozens of triggers and not know it until we gradually come to work them all out, one by one. Can be such a slow and tormenting process at times.

Some trigger words, for example: Stupid, hopeless and worthless. There are plenty more of course. I've discovered it pays to eliminate certain words from my vocabulary, simply stop using them. Finding more accurate replacement words or phrases can help make a constructive difference. 'I'm so stupid' can be replaced with something like 'Why was/am I lacking consciousness in this case?'. 'I'm so hopeless' can be replaced with 'What's leading me to hope less?' which can go on to 'While I had inspiring levels of hope before, what's changed in this case?'.

I've found managing going into an up swing requires the mind of a detective at times. Detecting the clues and culprits that led to a down shift can feel like a full time job.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

How's everything going with you? 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Apologies for not replying to your previous post until now I didn't see it until I logged on now! I really appreciate you continually checking in and it is nice to hear from you, I hope you and your family are in good health and doing well!

I am going better, I do feel like there has been progress made even if it's very small.

I wholeheartedly agree with your previous post as well and funnily enough I have found myself thinking the exact same things just recently this week. 

I have found when I feel moments of real progress that sort of weekend turns out to be one where it comes crashing down a bit (this past weekend was an example where I felt really low and back into a slump) and it just came out of nowhere. 

I agree there is always a reason, I think I am becoming more aware of those triggers for me that you talk about and particular words that do it for me. For example, this may sound silly as well, I may have mentioned it before but particularly in dating because my natural nature is to be down to earth/calm certain girls have just said that I am not assertive without really explaining what they mean or seeing other sides to me, this word triggers a bit of a slump for me because I think it's been a big think I have created in my mind that I can't measure up to anyone because of it. Now I try to find examples where I know I have this side of me to sort of "disprove" the stigma I have created. For example, I coach adults ranging from ages 25-30 as a 26 year old which in a sporting dressing room is quite a challenge and I have gained all there respect and been able to stand my ground when needed, also my job requires assertiveness everyday purely from conflicts I have with builders etc.

Not sure if any of that made sense haha but maybe some progress,

I am trying to fight it more often when I have irrational thoughts, its when as you say it comes out of nowhere for no apparent reason is where I struggle a lot to cope with it still, so I think I need to practice more of what you have said and eliminate trigger words/beliefs that start forming when I start snowballing out of control.

Sorry for the late reply again and my post is a bit all over the shop but thanks for checking in and how are things for you?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Glad to hear you're making progress. Progress can definitely feel disturbing at times, based on it disturbing all the stuff that needs to come to the surface. Once more conscious of that stuff, it then becomes about bringing new skills to life and further developing levels of self understanding.

The beauty about the English language is you can do anything you want with it. You can use certain words more often, completely eliminate some, redefine some and create greater meaning in others. What would it mean to better define 'assertive'? You could say with a whole lot of different aspects/facets to you, which part of you are you asserting at any given time? Which part/s are you 'channeling' to life? The coach in you comes to life when people rely on you to coach them in the ways of discipline and skill. Another part of you may be 'The decision maker', which is responsible for making solid choices. Another could be 'The comedian', that gets a laugh out of people even in stressful situations, resolving issues through lighthearted humor vs heavyhearted stress. There are so many facets to us, to assert.

Instead of thinking 'I'm not assertive enough', you could ask 'What part/s of myself do I really want/need to channel or assert on this occasion?'.

Myself, I'm considering taking a year off from going out to work. My husband's supportive of this, as he can see how everything's beginning to seriously impact my mental and physical health. With the developing challenges my parents face with aging, trying to reform a marriage that had been disintegrating for some time (looks hopeful at this stage), the serious struggle my son faces with focus issues and his need for greater discipline and support throughout year 12 next year, a lack of time for self care, a significant level of burnout and a whole list of other things, what I need is time to reform everything. A year would be ideal. Has been a tough conclusion to reach, really tough. Biggest challenge - letting go of that destructive belief system that dictates 'This is not what strong people do'. It's a lie. Now, to manage my resignation. A new challenge 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I am more conscious as you say of certain things and I am really trying to actively challenge a lot of destructive thought patterns and behaviours and act in ways I really believe is more like I know I am. It is disturbing and uncomfortable at times like you say also because it's unnatural for me to be doing this - but I feel it's a good unnatural/uncomfortable feeling, a sign of changes being made for the better I hope.

I have a long way to go but I am really trying to challenge thoughts that I have created about myself in my mind that aren't true but that have become so hard wired I believed them as fact.  I am using different language to talk to myself more kindly I guess and try to fuel myself with more belief.

Sounds like a lot is going on for you and I think it actually takes someone strong and courageous to make a decision like that, the easy thing to do would be to remain where we are (comfort zone) so I admire you for your decision and I have faith it will be a very good move! 

I am obviously lacking life experience at my age so I may not be able to speak to specific advice that is helpful but if I could impart one thing that I hope helps is this.....try to simplify things, take things one step at a time & control only what YOU can control and do not try to worry/stress or let your mental health suffer because things outside of things you can control.

May sound selfish what I am saying but it is actually the reverse, if we do not look after yourself and your own self then we cannot possibly support our parents/kids/partners as we would like - your health is of utmost importance. I learnt this when my father had his heart attack last year - he worked himself and stressed himself all in the effort to support his family/friends/wife but it drove him to a condition where he was very lucky to survive and in the end he realised that the best way he could help us as a father was to control what he can control, limit stress, do his own self care, look after his physical health.....and then when required provide us with the support we need but not try to control it because he can't. If he is in ill health then he can't do what he wants to not only support people but also ENJOY his life.

Hopefully that made some sense 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Thank you so much for your caring support. So very very much appreciated. You do have life experience. While it is an upsetting experience, with you watching your dad suffer, it's an experience that has imparted wisdom. You're right, not being able to enjoy life with others, based on our level of dis-ease (mental, physical and spiritual), is no way to live. How can I enjoy with people what I gift to them when I cannot feel joy, when I can only feel stress, anxiety and exhaustion. While I may lead others in my life to feel joy, I can't share that with them. I am grateful to you Daniel, as you've led me to see something so important that's missing. It's joy. I now know why it's gone. It's been replaced by other emotions, one's that have become somewhat out of control.

Funny how when the destructive inner dialogue starts up it seems all fairly innocent in the beginning. Perhaps something along the lines of 'You need to help this person. It would be nice if you helped that person. This person really needs you to be there for them. You can't leave that person to suffer alone. You can find time to help them. Just do it outside of work hours. You have plenty of time, as you only go out to work part time' etc etc. There's not always the ability or clarity when it comes to seeing that dialogue gradually ramping up, bit by bit, until you can finally feel what level it's at. Couple that with the depressing inner dialogue starting up, 'You're hopeless. You're so lazy. All you do is sit around eating and sleeping' and it all becomes about feeling some level of dis-ease. I learned from experience with sleep apnea, the overeating can come from the body's desperation to gain energy in any way it can get it.

I have a very small circle of philosophers in my life. You are one of those in that circle. With just some of the traits of a great philosopher being life experience (with both joy and hardship), a desire for greater consciousness, the desire for greater self understanding, an interest in the nature of life and the ability to open the mind beyond limited beliefs, you easily fit the bill. Btw, wisdom does not automatically come with decades of living. It comes with a willingness to learn and the desire and ability to become more conscious.