Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Hope you're  beginning to enjoy the strides you're making in coming to better know yourself. While some do not care in seeking to know themself, you should be incredibly proud of the fact you are putting in the hard work it takes.

Just wanted to share some insight that has made an enormous difference to me lately. With the help of some of the amazing people on the forums here, such as TonyWK, ecomama and Petal 22, I've woken up to a perspective that's managed to get me through a deeply challenging time. Tony had begun a thread not too long ago entitled 'Why wait?', which led me to  consider how much I'd been waiting for in my life lately. Waiting for my husband to help manage our marriage, waiting to feel happier so that I could stop some seriously destructive emotional eating, waiting to feel motivated enough to start exercising, waiting for epiphanies that were going to dictate the best direction and the list goes on and on. Thanks largely to Tony, I came to realise just how much I'd been waiting for, how much procrastination was destroying me and just how much the waiting factor was depressing me. I woken up into seeing how procrastination is like a brick wall. Once you break through (experience a breakthrough), you get to find what is on the other side.

Throughout the last few days or so, my key words have been 'Brick wall'. I've managed to talk my way through each one. 'What will it take to get through this one? Don't sit down (to enjoy Netflix)!', 'What will it take to get through that one, that involves a tough conversation? Find the best opportunity today. It must be today, no matter what?', 'What will it take to get through these ones? Master not thinking. Catch yourself in the process of thinking and then stop it (thinking my way out of what must be done). Just do, without thinking. Do not give yourself time to think'.

While I've mentioned breakdowns and breakthroughs before, I'd never considered the brick walls to be a welcomed challenge at times. Kind of like 'Okay, give it too me so I can smash through it'. I think the better we become at managing those walls, one after the other, the more we can say 'I'm absolutely smashing it, this thing we call life'.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner and hope you are well and thank you for the words of support!

I am really glad for you that you've managed to find these breakthroughs and I think given your own wisdom, that's been shown to me quite regularly, I have no doubt you will break through these brick walls one by one and sounds like you have resolved to do so which is (in my limited life experience) the first and most important step!

The last couple weeks I have had my own shift it feels like where the fog inside my head feels like it is starting to clear just enough that I can see the path forward, almost like the light bulb has finally decided to go off. I have you to thank largely for that (as well as my family and psych) as it was a few of your posts to me in particular that really triggered this line of thought in me and impacted me to wake up a bit.

You have helped me realise that it is ok to not have it all figured out and to work through these brick walls and discover more about who I am and continue to develop different sides of me whilst still knowing my basic foundation of who I am. There have been a few things that have happened in which my response to these events wasn't my typical "it's all my fault" type of response that sent me down the rabbit hole of deep depression and flatness.

I guess after reading you and Hanna's responses to me on here lately I just took a deep breath and look at these situations for what they were and how I handled them and also where I am at personally and have sort of reached a conclusion where I thought well this is not who I believe myself to be, I feel as though I have been trying to find answers for so long that I have try different things and different approaches none of which are in line with who I really feel like I am and I think this overtime has led me to feel the weight of trying to be different because I am uncomfortable in myself. I have realised that, no I am not perfect obviously, but I would like to think I am a likeable person if I just trust myself and try not to be anything I am not.

I definitely need to still work a lot on overthinking and not letting that spill over because it's probably a real issue but I am trying to trust myself as a person more to try help negate that a bit

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

You keep learning about yourself - and developing yourself - right throughout life.  There is no one moment when you suddenly feel as if you "have it all together".  Life has a habit of throwing up new challenges all through life, and you have to face new experiences, new obstacles, new situations, all the time - and work out how to respond to them.  There is no way you know how to, say, cope with a friend letting you down, until you've had this happen to you - or how to cope with a serious conflict with your partner, until it happens - and you learn from what you do wrong each time.

There has been no time in my life when I suddenly thought I "had it all together".  You learn about yourself and others and life until the day you drop dead.  You do however start to learn your strengths and weaknesses, the things you manage OK and the things that tend to do you in.  I can care for a terminally ill adult (as a nurse) but I fall apart when I am faced with a dying child.  I have a nurse friend who can cope with these but falls apart at the sight of an injured animal.

I am quiet and not good in groups - but I am patient with people and don't tend to get easily angered.  I am never going to be a "life of the party" person, but I do thoroughly enjoy deep discussions with another person and love good humour.  I accept these things about myself.

As much as possible I have tried to work on the aspects of myself I don't like so much, but you do learn to be comfortable in your own skin.

I'm glad that people here have been able to offer you some help, and that things are moving forward for you.  Well done!

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks again for the support and advice and sorry I haven't replied earlier.

I am learning more as I go and I think you are very much right in what you're saying.

I think I need to exercise some patience with myself as well which I am not entirely good at but I am working on it. A lot of overthinking is largely my problem and getting stuck inside my own head a lot. Last night was a good example, I had been relatively good lately at just being comfortable with doing my own thing for example on a Saturday night but last night I seem to really get down and depressed again. I know these things go up and down but I sort of get scared in a way when I seem to really drop in mood that dramatically with no real obvious trigger.

I am trying my best to get pushing through and work hard on it because it has felt at times that my life is sort of standing still because I am afraid to let go of a bit of control even with things I have no control over. I definitely need to learn to let things sort of unfold naturally and try not to over analyse and try to preempt an outcome because it only affects the way I handle myself.

I feel I am very similar to what you describe about yourself and I need to get more comfortable with it like you are!

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

There is a website called "Introvert, dear". You can google it. I wonder if you would find some of the articles interesting. There's one on "how I stopped trying to be an extravert" and one on famous introverts. I think you might find a lot of the site useful. 🙂

I've recommended it to several people. 

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna & therising

Thanks for the recommendation Hanna, I have been reading through it and it's great!

Just wanted to stop by and say I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for all the advice and support over a long period of time!

Daniel 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel, I was just about to leave a message to ask how you're going!

I thought that website had some interesting articles and might help you realise there are plenty of people who are introverted and this can be a real asset sometimes. I like that she celebrates it!

I hope your psych is still being helpful for you. Are you feeling any better in yourself? 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

I have been reading a lot of the articles in my spare time so thanks for the recommendation it has been good to read through and I agree with you!

I am doing a bit better than I have been previously, I can sort of feel things of turning not so much in terms of like tangible results but more so certain feelings I am having.

I definitely feel a bit more calmer than I have for a while and feels like I am starting to shift my mindset to be more comfortable in myself like yourself and therising have encouraged a lot and I'm working on some external pressures I place on myself and trying to calm my mind and quieten down some of the voices in my head that are detrimental to me, my psych is encouraging me with this a lot.

She has been particularly helping me with not telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing but helping guide me to come to my own decisions about what I want and how I want to feel as a problem I've found is I can be quite passive and uncertain in how to act so I sort of just feel stuck in place so I end up asking people almost for permission to make a choice about things I do whether it's big or small (not sure if that makes sense). She is helping me to become more comfortable in myself in order to make decisions about what I want and think more about what it is I want, not in a selfish way but I tend to solely focus on what others want or what they'll think of me if I do certain things which gives them a lot of power over what I do or don't do.

Mostly I am working really hard lately to bring out the person I know I am deep down within myself that I feel like I have lost over the last few years and particularly the last 6 months or at the very least become calm and comfortable in my own skin and at least know that I deserve to be here whether regardless of how I am. 

Quieting down the voices in my head that I feel like have taken me to some dark places this year is hard work and I still have a long way to go but thanks to people around me and people like yourself and therising on this forum I feel I can do it

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

It sounds like you're doing well and your psych sounds a wise and supportive person guiding you through this.  It takes time to build up your self confidence and self esteem - when I was a young thing even small attempts to stand up for myself (I was picked on/bullied) were hard - I remember telling my psych when I stood up for myself to people I felt like I was wearing hob-nailed boots - he was amused and said he thought it was more like sand shoes - because I simply wasn't used to ever being assertive.

There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person - one of my favourite old actors is Gregory Peck and he always played quiet men!!!  You actually Daniel make me think of a young man I saw years ago, sitting outside a railway station in inner Sydney, holding a large bunch of flowers and waiting to meet his girl.  He was so sweet!  Whoever the young lady was who was going out with him, I have no doubt she had found herself a treasure!  We spoke to him and he was sooo in love!

Just take a nice girl out when you meet her, pay her a compliment - tell her she looks lovely - buy her flowers.  We women still love this stuff!  You sound like a fine young man and you will be fine. 

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so glad you're continuing to feel some sense of change within yourself. When you mention how you haven't entirely brought that to life, it makes me think of how I find life to be at times. At times it is about learning a lot of the theory in our course on and in life. You come to gradually understand what you're learning or need to learn through the theory side of things. Then comes the practical, where you have to put theory into practice. Then comes the exam, where you see how well you've learned, whether the theory and practice lead you to graduate through to the next stage of life/understanding or whether you need to return to learning a little more on the theory side of things. So, you learn what you are capable of, practice what you are capable of and then examine what you are capable of, while seeking room for improvement toward mastery.

I've found the periods which involve the theory side of things can feel incredibly slow moving, the periods where we're trying to make sense of everything (a time of questioning, reflection and developing greater consciousness/awareness). Because we typically feel progress through our actions, while in the state of learning it can feel like there is no progress being made. The truth is there is a lot of progress being made, something we witness in hindsight. We were changing through developing awareness while graduating through life.

In the process of examination there is no failure, simply a need to know more 🙂