Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

My pleasure to provide any encouragement I can, I have full faith in the journey you're about to embark on over the next year!

The way you described anxiety as serious hyperactivity I can completely agree with and something I have seen and understood better as I have been working on it all. I feel like a lot of what you have previously said to me is also a contributing factor and that is that it is the inner dialogue I feel you can assign to the excitement that helps shape how it effects you. For example if I attach feelings of negativity to over-excitement/nervous I'll end up as an anxious ball of nerves and potentially dive into a depression. Or if I try to rationalise where the excitement is coming from I find I can relax a lot quicker, not easy to do but practising it over time helps it become more of a naturally conscious habit.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've learned so much about myself through questioning. I've discovered a lot of surprising things. The research comes through a sense of wonder. Wonder is an incredible and liberating sense, well worth exercising at times. Can get a little out of control and time consuming when we're stuck in it for periods of time.

Instead of thinking 'What's 'wrong' with me when I get into social situations and experience anxiety/hyperactivity?', I wonder about all that's contained within that social situation. Before you know it, I've pinpointed a number of factors. Everything begins to make more sense and I'm led to understand what the challenges really are

• Could be a lack of mastery in small talk (the kind of talk strangers typically use when first meeting)
• With us designed into feel and interact with energy, could involve too much energy in the room, coming from the volume of people talking, the volume of energy in relation to sound/music, the energy given off my overbearing people and so on. Combine all that energy and there's just too much energetic stimulation
• Pre-existing mental programs can be another factor. If I walk into the room with one of my mental programs running which dictates 'You won't be able to handle/manage this many people', that can actually become a directive for my brain. Kind of like your dictating to your own brain 'You can't work with this many people, so don't even try'. Our brain will do pretty much anything we tell it to do. How to direct it or how to give it directions is an interesting area of study/research
• A natural love of small groups of people can be another factor. Entering into large groups of people can mean going against your nature. I'm happy being a natural introvert, I love it. There are so many benefits to being a natural introvert but, of course, there are challenges too

There is just so much to learn about our self. Just when you think you have it all together or you're getting it all together, some new challenge comes up where you're forced to learn something new about yourself. Digging to find it definitely takes a lot of work at times.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising,

Sorry for my delay in getting back to you! Hope you are doing well since you resigned from your job and have a clear direction in your mind and are calm!

I think I’ve learnt throughout what has been probably my most challenging year personally to be more proud of my introverted nature and not ashamed of it. There have been periods like I’ve discussed before where it’s been like an intense doubt about my more introverted side I think I’d be directing my brain in a way where it automatically became something to be ashamed of for me personally when looking at how I compare with others.

Interestingly, people would point to examples of highly successful and charismatic introverts to help me “see the light” so to speak but funnily enough this didn’t really do anything to help me because my issue was never believing that introverts as a whole are bad, it was more the fact me myself am like that that seemed to be bad for whatever reason…doesn’t make sense I know.

There has been a shift particularly the last couple months, I can’t quite exactly pinpoint what’s happened but I think it sort of started when I was really feeling in the depths of despair earlier in the year. It’s been a gradual build up since then.

I think for the first ever really I seem to be owning things about myself, like I know my strength is talking with smaller groups and I’ll happily fade into background in big groups but I’m not telling myself this is something to be ashamed of it’s just who I am. 

Also I think I’m general conversation with people I am talking about myself in a much more positive light which is making a big difference I feel!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

As I say, never feel pressured to respond. Only respond when you feel the need. Still working and will most likely be doing so up 'til the end of the year. Am currently training someone to take over my position. Am looking forward to the life changing year to come.

I'm so glad you're coming to discover who you naturally are, step by step. Introverts definitely have a lot of strengths and abilities. There are many different types of introverts so be careful with which ones you choose to inspire you. For example, you could be someone who thrives in small groups comparing yourself to the type of introvert who loves larger groups, based on those groups offering them the chance to analyse a whole variety of natures all in one place. They'll go out to analyse rather than excitedly socialise. Of course, the nature of an introvert can change as their perception of self and life changes. Someone could start off thriving in small groups and then grow to develop a passion for getting out there to study the many facets of human nature. They may swing between either setting, based on how they feel at any given time. They let their feelings guide them. For example, if they feel the need to study human nature, they may go to a party. If they observe the worst in human nature at that party, they may retreat for a period of days or weeks in order to make better sense of what they observed and maybe felt. As a student of human nature, they may also study themself. If they felt 'repulsion' at that party, they analyse why they felt it, what led them to feel it. The life of an introvert is a fascinating and sometimes complex one.

I've found, with managing depression or depressing periods (no matter how short or long), what isn't working in life eventually falls apart. It's the falling apart that we can feel so deeply, the disintegration of the old. Who we were, up until this point is an integration of things (influences, beliefs etc), a compilation. Consciously dis-integrating what doesn't work can be hard work. From the ashes of who we were, we begin to come to life. It's a phoenix kind of thing 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Sounds like exciting times for you and I am excited for you, I think next year is going to be great for you! With my limited life experience my advice for next year would be to not to do too much too soon and give yourself a good detox/break from things that may/may not contribute to how you have been feeling and use the time you have to slowly build upon the positives day by day, even 1% improvement each day/month is improvement and better than you were the previous day/month!

I appreciate all your support so much I could not have improved without it at all!

I still have a lot of work to do because there are things deep down that come to the surface to make my nervousness/anxiousness rise but I have been able to stop the overthinking in it's tracks a bit better and make it U-turn into something more constructive.

For example, I have started seeing someone who I see a potential with and I sort of went into it just sort of "winging it" and finally telling myself to just be me, unfiltered and just to go for it. This has been good and I feel more comfortable in myself and around this person but it is when I am on my own that the overthinking can seem to spiral but I really am trying to keep it together and redirect myself to the initial attitude I had go into it and let it unfold and whatever will be will be.

I do think that because I haven't really felt like this with someone and wanted to really open myself up to the potential possibilities that it feels uncomfortable for me and induces nerves in a way because it's unfamiliar and risky...is this normal? (if this makes sense lol)

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Good advice. You're a visionary, seeing the need to address changes gradually, while paying attention to how I feel. I have so much I want to achieve all swimming around in my head and I'm eager to get started. When I think of it all, I can feel my nervous system ramp up, forgetting I have a year to achieve what I wish to. Feels like I have to achieve it all at once which, of course, is not true and impossible. You've led me to question 'How do I want to feel (the course I take, the sense of achievement, my nervous system (managing it carefully), my thoughts, my health etc)?'. I am grateful to you for the direction.

I believe when we enter into a period of life fully feeling, we'll begin to feel more than ever before. While this can be great, it comes with significant challenges. So many new feelings begin to surface. Old feelings can come up also, one's we've never felt the deep need to identify until now. So, all of a sudden we're trying to get a better sense of everything we feel. In the process we become more sensitive. Perfectly logical, becoming more sensitive in the process of trying to sense more. It's an interesting process. For example, all of a sudden you may sense someone's anguish, while they appear smiling and 'happy'. You could say to everyone around 'Can you sense their anguish?'. You're told you're imaging things until what you sense is proven to be true. That person reveals the anguish they've been feeling, to everyone's surprise but yours. As I say, sensitivity is not a weakness but an ability.

Congrats on the new relationship. Sounds like it's testing you in the way of feeling/s. Sounds like there could be a lot of mixed emotion involved (all rolled into one). Untangling the emotions might offer greater clarity. Could involve the feelings of/a sense of positive excitement/joyful form of 'butterflies' (fluttering within the solar plexus area), newness, self doubt, attraction, the need for grounding strategies (out of internal dialogue that raises you to stress), aspects that speak to the soul and so on.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Happy New Year & apologies for the delay in my response back to you, I hope your year of freedom/doing what YOU want has started well!

I've had a tough couple weeks to start the year, last year probably ended the way it started for me to be honest with disappointment. The girl I spoke of below told me right before New Years that her feelings hadn't progressed as far as they probably should have by now etc etc....mind you this was 4 days after she told me that she wanted to continue seeing me in the new year and enjoyed spending time with me so fair to say I have been left baffled.

The initial reaction I had personally was of pretty extreme disappointment and felt my heart was ripped out of my chest but there has also been a different reaction/feeling to this situation that I haven't experienced in the past and I don't know if it's a sign of personal progress or I am a bit delusional.

Basically there is obviously disappointment and if you ask if I have feelings/like this girl then I won't sit here and say I don't because that would be a lie but do I think that I caused what happened - no I don't & I actually believe I wasn't the problem at all which is the difference from the other times.

The part where I think people around me think I am deluded is that I have been getting this feeling to really think things through and if I feel it could be worth it given the context/time spent with her etc that I owe it to myself to reach out to her and tell her how I feel and see what exactly happened.

Everyone around me is saying don't do it and I should throw it in the bin etc and tbh I know that is probably what I should do and my head is telling me that & that I should just leave it and if she liked me she'll come back around.

But I am also sick of being passive, I know I am being genuine & I realise it may be stupid as I may be repeating things I already said but I have this feeling that I should try. I am fully prepared for it not to work & tbh I expect it, it's not that and I fully realise you can't force people to feel things but I know the context and I have met a lot of questionable people in my dating life and had a lot of my time wasted to know when something could be worth the shot even if I risk looking a bit silly.

I just feel like following my heart is something irrational and will be looked upon as stupid/weak

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Perhaps the new year mantra could be 'The best is yet to come'. Of course, there may be some hiccups and even some depressing or potentially depressing or anxiety inducing moments amongst the best but that doesn't change what actually becomes the best.

Such a shame about how things worked out with this girl. There's only one way to find out how it went wrong, some detective work. While your friends are saying in one way or another 'Don't detect', it's entirely up to you as to whether you go looking for clues with this particular mystery. She'll need to be honest with you and herself as to why she called things off. It might be pretty cut and dry if she says she just wasn't feeling the vibe or chemistry. What that vibe is may be part of the mystery. Perhaps she's never met a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, someone so honest and expressive with their feelings (good with communication). Who knows. Only one way to find out. That phrase 'I'm sick of...' may come into play here. 'I'm sick of females not giving me a thoughtful enough or valid reason for ending things' becomes 'I'm sick because of females not giving me a thoughtful enough or valid reason for ending things'. Would solving the mystery lead you to feel better within yourself? Even if you hear from her something that may be upsetting, you can still feel better knowing that for the 1st time you confidently used your serious detective skills and no one could talk you out of doing this. 

Reforming my life at the moment has been a real eye opener. I had no idea I'd gotten into the habit of stressing, for example. Just never saw it happening, developing this habit. Have become conscious of a lot in a short time. So, I'm off to a good start 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

To be honest I have never really at all felt like it's worth putting my neck out so to be speak and trying to I guess risk looking silly to tell her how I feel/what I think about her. It's a very head vs heart situation. It was very random the way it happened and I feel there's enough "grey area" there to at least give it a shot, my heart/gut is telling me to give it a try but my head tells don't do it because chances are 0.

I am taking my time with this decision, as opposed to reacting based on anxious emotion. Do I feel like I can't survive if it fails - no. That's not the point and I feel I'm prepared to have a try even if it will probably fail it's just whether I am weak to do something like this. I am not experienced with feeling this way, I don't want to be passive as I have been in the past.

To be honest I am sort of done with dating for a while so if I was to reach out to this girl whilst when she probably says no I'll be disappointed for sure I don't think it will plague me as at least I'll know I tried. It's more when to reach out, is three weeks of no contact enough or not long enough etc etc

I am very glad to hear you're already opening new doors for yourself & hopefully you are starting to feel less & less stressed as you go! 🙂 

[Daniel12]

Hi there,

I am a 26 year old single male & for as long as I can remember I have wanted to find a life partner & my ambitions in life are tailored toward developing a relationship with someone & building a family. I have ambitions in my career (I work as a civil engineer) but I value relationships with people in my core being more so.

I have had issues with anxiety/depression throughout my young adult life that really start & finish at loneliness, self esteem & social anxiety. I have put in a tremendous amount of personal work to come to where I am now but I have been putting myself out there repeatedly to find someone whether that's through dating apps, being set up or whatever particularly over the last 2-3 years. I am now at a stage where I have been that beaten down by the whole experience I am just about ready to give up on it altogether.

The common theme is "no connection with you", "great person but no feelings", or "you have everything going for you but my feelings haven't developed". Now I know you can't force people to feel certain ways and in no way would I ever do that but after hearing this type of rejection countless number of times it has chipped away at my mental state and resilience to pick myself up to go out there and find someone again.

I may not have had a massive break up in my time but it's accumulative experiences that I feel are shaping how anxious and on edge I start to feel when I may start to like someone as I am always on edge that at any moment, even if they show me all the signs of interest, that the connection won't be there for the other person.

I find it hard to express my feelings about it as I am smart enough to know that's the way it goes but it has become that much of a theme that I date someone for a little and then they say no connection when they've shown all the signs otherwise & ultimately I have been left thinking I'm ultimately not worth the effort for someone to take the time to get to know better and grow something with. 

I've taken time out for myself at different stages of this process and I don't need that anymore but just feels like an absolutely hopeless task to find someone that sees any worth in me to put in some effort.