Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Reflecting on what you've done, growing up, sounds like a key factor perhaps. Some things to keep in mind are the influences that determined the kind of life you've led so far. There can be a lot of influences. For example, my 2 kids didn't have as active a lifestyle as some other kids based on the fact we were a single income family for a number of years. An outgoing or lavish lifestyle was something unaffordable back then, compared with their friends who were going away to amazing places, had the latest mobile phone, had an abundance of recreational activities in their life etc.

Another factor can be whether a young person has had 'Let me show you the world' kind of parents, who led their kids to trip around to all these amazing places throughout the world or simply the country they're in. Another can involve whether our childhood influencers are social butterflies, socialising us in the process. Were we perhaps led to be a little introverted to some degree? Another can involve whether we're led to exercise our imagination a lot. Were we led to imagine the excitement of an outgoing life? Another may involve whether we're conditioned to develop skills in 'networking' or not. Do we know how to create and work with networks of people who can lead us to experience different aspects of life? Perhaps another involves asking whether we're natural born introverts that function best with other natural born introverts who appreciate a certain lifestyle. Perhaps our parents allowed us to remain introverted because it suited us. Does the perfect holiday for an introvert involve visiting peaceful Buddhist temples, rain forests or some laid back Spanish towns beyond this country, as opposed to the busy rush rush crowded places in the world?

There are many factors or influences in life that may lead us to appear boring. Personally, how I was raised (my outlook and experiences) led me to be underdeveloped as far as being exciting and worldly goes. I think once we can fund our own life (with the money we make as an adult), it can become a matter of 'Where do I start? How do I start to develop myself now that I can afford to?'. Suddenly, the world becomes your oyster and every experience you cultivate holds the potential to become 'an absolute pearler'. Imagine you are now on the verge of beginning such cultivation. Understandably, 'Where do I start?' becomes that #1 question 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

The question you mention of "where do I start?" is pretty relatable for me at the moment.

I have never felt this flat and low ever and I do not feel like myself at all so I suppose it's where do I start to find myself again. I don't even recognise myself at the moment.

I was thinking the other day, for example if someone asked me to tell them a bit about myself and what I do I actually feel like I cannot answer the question at all. It seems silly to say I can't answer the question but beyond saying I am just a nice guy I guess there isn't really anything else I can think of that makes me interesting at all at the moment.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It can be hard to recognise our self when we're in an intense mind altering life changing process. Basic change has a very different dynamic to it. With basic change you could say 'I'm someone who's a bit confused but I know who I am' or 'I'm someone who's a little lost but I still know who I am' or 'I'm someone who's feeling a little less hope than usual but that doesn't stop me from basically knowing who I am'. In an intense mind altering life changing process, I've found it sounds more like 'I'm incredibly confused, I'm completely lost, I'm feeling utterly hopeless and I have no idea who I am'. With this kind of massive shift it can sometimes be about the need to let go of the illusion of who we are. Kind of feels like the rug's pulled out from under us and we have to start from scratch when it comes to discovering who we really are.

One way of bringing it back to basics could involve you recognising 'Basically, I'm a nice guy with a good sense of humor who's a feeler (someone who feels the emotions of self and others)'. Good start when you consider the opposite - 'I'm a cruel guy who never laughs and I'm basically a sociopath who feels very little'.

I find we can discover who we really are when we're left with no choice. I'll offer my sister as an example. Like you, she's a nice person with a good sense of humor and is also a feeler. Like many of us, she can lack confidence and be easily upset under extreme stress. A few years back when she was stuck in an airport overseas without our brother to meet her for connecting flights (which was part of the plan before a typhoon hit from his end), she began stressing. Suddenly, the sage or something kicked in, insisting 'You got this!'. With her nice nature and sense of humor she approached a worker who she felt would help her. She managed to board the right plane. She was shocked by how she managed it. As far as she was concerned, this just wasn't her, calm and in control. She'd let go of the belief 'I'm someone who can't manage under stress' and adopted the belief 'I got this, I'm a legend'. She discovered the truth and it got her through.

I've found, it's the internal dialogue that plays out that can reveal to us who we really are. While in 2 minds, one may say 'This is all turning to poop and I can't cope' whereas the other will dictate 'You got this!'. Always listen to the mind that inspires constructive development. It does have a kind of volume knob to it. There are ways of turning it up 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess I need to learn how to listen to some internal dialogue and ignore other types of internal dialogue. Or maybe it's a case of not ignoring any of them but learning how to not go down a rabbit hole with any negative thought but rather just think it and let it go. Not sure if that sounds silly or not.

I like the starting point you mentioned about bringing it back to basics but I was pondering over a question I got asked by a specialist the other day which was "tell me about Daniel" in terms of who I am, interests etc.

I actually can't go beyond that I am a nice guy I suppose and I used to play soccer. I was thinking to myself wow am I really that uninteresting that I can't even think of anything beyond that and then who the hell would find me interesting/fun instead of boring, I don't anyone would think otherwise at this stage

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Sounds like a good plan, regarding the negative internal dialogue. Practice observing and then let go. I know, easier said than done sometimes. One of the benefits to observing can involve the simple question 'I wonder where that comes from?'. All dialogue comes from somewhere. The book I'm reading at the moment has brought me to a section about internal dialogue actually. As the author mentions, we observe our self through different filters and the filter we're using will determine the inner dialogue we're hearing. For example, if rejection causes us great pain, based on past experience, we'll do just about anything to avoid rejection. If the dialogue we hear is based on a fear of rejection (that filter) it might sound like 'What can I do to make that person happy, so they like me more? I don't care what it takes, even if I have to suppress parts of myself that bring me joy'. On the other hand, if we hear our inner dialogue through the filter of self acceptance, it can sound more like 'I'm doing my best and it's not my fault if other people are upset by that. I'll steer clear of those who just love to criticise me. They're far too depressing for my liking'. In other words, we can be much happier on our own until the right kind of people come along.

The 'Tell me about yourself' question can be a tough one to answer, without us being a little hard on our self on occasion. I think, as adults, we can feel like the answer has to be impressive in some way, a reflection of our worldly nature as well as the experiences we've accumulated over time. It's more a status thing sometimes: This is how much I've achieved and this is the position I hold in life now. Ask a 3yo to tell you about themself and, of course, the answer's along a different line. Might sound like 'I love butterflies and going to the beach. I like fairyfloss and when my dad pushes me high on a swing. That makes me laugh so much. I like getting dressed up, wearing my favourite clothes. I like my mum's lasagne' etc etc. They don't know about status yet, about feeling the need to prove their worth or 'measure up'. Lucky for them. They are carefree and fun loving. That is who they are, without measurement.

Sometimes it can be a matter of we've forgotten who we are and that's why it's so hard to provide an answer for 'Tell me about yourself'. 'Give me your social status' is a whole different ball game.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

There was a book I read once that basically spoke what someone thinks of you is their “task” and not yours. I think it was also saying something along the lines of you shouldn’t interfere with someone else’s “task” ie if they dislike you that’s their task to carry out not yours to try and correct. It also said something like if you are inevitably disliked by someone this means ultimately you are living with freedom as it should mean you are being your comfortable sense and are aware of the fact you cannot be liked by all…I may have describe all that badly but I think it might relate to what you mentioned.

I guess for me at the moment, whilst I feel I understand all this stuff my spirit/hope in myself, my life and relationships and ultimate direction are that low at the moment it’s been a real struggle for me to get back into any sort of groove.

I actually tried to sit down and write down an answer to the question “tell me about yourself” last night…..I wrote something like “I am a nice enough guy who enjoys sport” and that’s where I go blank as to how to continue. I was thinking to myself like really I can’t think of even a semi decent paragraph to write about who I am, it’s just pathetic it really is. How the hell am I supposed to attract interest from a girl or come across as a fun guy when I can’t even answer that question.

I’m starting to think now maybe I’m just someone who on the outside looking in seems to be good but is fundamentally underwhelming when you do get in contact or conversation, like what can I possibly contribute to stuff I don’t even know what is interesting about me or what I even like to do etc

I’ve noticed a shift in myself the last month it’s not so much a hopelessness where I can’t get out of bed which has happened in the past but more so a hopelessness where I feel like I’ve been on autopilot for 6-12months of my life and days are just ticking over and over and I’m not strong enough or courageous enough to try and buck the trend so I’ve accepted it all

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Yes, it is the task of another to feel how they feel. Sometimes how they feel can be hard work, such as when someone intensely dislikes a person. Hard work living with that much agitation. Not good for the nervous system, for a start.

Can be hard to figure out who we are when it comes to the basics. Kind of sounds like a dating app for some folk who may state: I like long walks on the beach. I love spring. I love sitting in front of the fireplace on a winter's evening with my dog/cat. I love Italian food. I enjoy a good thriller and deep philosophical conversation and so on. It's not necessarily a list of achievements, more so a composition of someone's overall nature. What we enjoy or gravitate towards tends to define us to some degree. Of course, our interests change over time, therefor we can resemble someone altogether different as we age, compared to when we were younger.Think about what you love. For a start, you love to wonder. Automatically, that makes you wonderful (wonder full). You like to analyse which makes you analytical. If you love to create, even if it's just at work these days, this makes you creative. There you go, you're a wonderful, analytical creative person, which is a good start. Oh, and a nice guy who likes sport on top of that.

It's truly horrible when we're stuck in some sort of funk. Almost feels like we're doomed to play out a sort of groundhog day scenario. Every day feels the same. Of course, it's not meant to be like this, which is why it can feel so depressing. What would acting out of character look like? What if you did this just for the heck of it, broke character. If you're someone who can't go out for a meal on their own (without feeling judged for it) for example, how would it feel to be a guy who enjoys sitting down with a good book over lunch, out somewhere? If you're going to read a book, why not do it over lunch. Typically, people tend to stare basically because they may be wondering what you're reading or why you might be out to lunch on your own or they might wonder whether you're waiting for someone. People can't help but wonder. Remember, it's their task. Personally, I used to fear going out for lunch on my own but nowadays enjoy it. Gives me a break from things.

I imagine there have been some times in life where you've broken character and perhaps thought 'I don't mind this version of myself'. If you were challenged to this this tomorrow, how would you do it? Can be a small thing, for a start.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I really don't know where to go from here anymore,

I've never felt a loneliness and sadness like this before. I have felt lonely for a long time but never like this, I think this last "relationship" so to speak and the end of it really hit home at how much I just want companionship.

I know I am not lonely in a family sense and they will always be there and I understand when they say things like "your brother was 31 when he found someone so relax" but 1 I don't want to be 31 when I find someone with all due respect to my brother he has not gone through the disappointments and dating experiences I have at all and 2 it is not companionship through family that I need at the moment. I know this sounds ungrateful to them and it really has nothing to do with that at all because I know they'll accept me for everything I am all the time, I am severely struggling with a lack of companionship from someone who sees me for everything I am and still thinks "I like Daniel and I want to make time to be with him". I had this for a fleeting moment and if I am completely honest not that I should rely on someone to get me through but I liked myself when I was in that period.

After every dating experience from being stood up at cafes, being told I'm too nice, being told "you're a really nice guy but...", being actually told (and shown in some cases) they have gone to someone better to replace me, being ghosted without any reason, having someone you like leave not because of not liking me but because of distance or being set up by friends and then interest wanes and whatever else you can think of other than physically being cheated on because I haven't reached a stage of a relationship where that would be a possibility I am sitting here early in the morning at a low point I've never been at and I think to myself what I really am seeking may just never come.

I am also thinking to myself and asked myself the question "have I given this a good crack, can I do more" and I think definitely I have....after each disappointment, let down or heartache I dust myself off and I go back and open myself up again and again in genuine hopes each time and now I am thinking I don't want to dust myself off anymore and go again, I don't want to feel this disappointment and lowness again....I need to accept the loneliness as I truly can't see a way out of this anymore. I just feel absolutely nothing and I don't have faith that the right person is there for me and will make it worth it.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I feel so much for you as you face some of the deeply depressing challenges life can pose. I believe some of life's challenges to be truly heartbreaking. Of course, a heartbreaking situation's not a problem for someone who doesn't feel so much but for someone who feels easily or deeply it can become almost soul destroying.

You're right, you can have 2 people appear to be facing similar challenges but when you factor in their histories, their current experiences are perceived through different lenses (developed over time). Your brother's lead up to 31 may not have been as challenging as yours, given your experiences through school, dating and life in general, as well as the factor of inner dialogue. Also, he may not be as much of a feeler as you, so it might have been much easier for him to dismiss certain feelings in his way.

As I've mentioned before, feelings are incredibly significant, whether they be horrible or beautiful. Over time, they can come to exercise our instinct, strengthening it. The horrible ones are ones that can point us in the right direction. Certain feelings can tell us what we don't want, what we shouldn't tolerate, what's not right for us etc. They can dictate 'I deserve more respect than that' or 'I deserve greater consideration under the circumstances'. Horrible feelings can be forcing us to become greater analysts and can lead us to become more (rightfully) demanding of others. You could say they're the brutal growing pains when it comes to our personal growth. They can even tell us, in some cases, we're looking in the wrong places for what we want or need. The wrong places naturally feel depressing.

As far as companionship goes, is it possible you've been looking in the wrong places? Where would you find a thoughtful person who feels as much as you? Where would you find someone who's not eager to jump into bed after the first few dates? Where would you find someone who's after a more philosophical or soulful experience in life? Not saying this is the way to go, it's purely an example: With so many dating apps out there, there are ones for more spiritual connections/relationships. Btw, not of the religious type, just people who vibe on a deeper more soulful level (such as the feelers in life). As I say, not encouraging you to look into dating apps again, just indicating how a different pool of people can offer different experiences, other than depressing ones.

Is your pain forcing you to look outside the square?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have thought about the places in which I’m looking and maybe stuff like a dance floor at a bar is not right as I have enormous self consciousness and anxiety when I even just think about approaching someone. But this seems to be in any setting really.

What would happen is I would start saying in my head “you will look silly”, “she wasn’t looking at you anyway” or “don’t be silly don’t annoy them”. So inevitably I don’t do it.

Id love to be able to just turn this off, I want to talk about it with my counsellor but because I feel like a scatter brain sometimes when I go there I just spit out whatever’s in my head at that moment and I probably don’t get to the crux of what I am suffering with, you can probably tell from all my posts given the random and sort of spit ball nature of them.

Id also love to be able to move on from things and not suffer like massive disappointment to the point where I can’t function, it’s crippling me more and more and unfortunately I don’t have the tools or never have to manage these feelings.

Like I may have mentioned, I’m not someone whose looking to achieve CEO status at work or become a billionaire all I want is one person that appreciates me and I want to not feel this lonely ever again