Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think both you and That Other Guy again make very logical points, I guess I’m just irrational at the moment.
I can’t see past certain things and the loneliness feelings I have are really rife at the moment. Maybe the mistake I make is I correlate loneliness to me being not good enough.
Maybe I don’t have the courage to change this as well which is what I have been thinking also and that gets ve down as well, I always thought I had some level of strength to handle things but I don’t.
I’m shutting down a bit and I am trying to avoid people where I can, I haven’t felt like myself for a long time and even if I do go out like I have the last few weeks I’m not normal and no one ever notices me and if they do I’d hate to know what they think.
Ive never felt really this low, it’s just an absolute nothing feeling and feeling like I’ll never really get to where I want to be or get myself back in some sort of form of my old self.


I wonder what the video you watched is called? I certainly struggle to move on from things and let things go, it’s almost like an obsessive thinking pattern. Not necessarily about a certain person but more so missing that companionship I’m severely lacking.
People tell me to enjoy the process and there was a period where I was but I’ve never fully relaxed and been who I believe I am anyway. But I don’t think that person I believe I could be is there anymore

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I do believe we can enter into the process of becoming more rational. While we may not start out completely rational in every challenge, we get there eventually. I've found there's a lot of weighing up in the process and the occasional wrong conclusion reached here and there but we do get there.

The guy I've only recently started observing on YouTube, who does a lot of videos on letting go, is named Aaron Doughty. I'll continue to check him out to see whether there's more stuff I can relate to. I've found when I'm aiming to get a bit of an education on how to manage life differently or in new ways I tend to sift out the stuff I can relate to, things that resonate. Not everything we hear is going to offer a major revelation. Sometimes it's simply about tweaking things here and there, in little ways. It can be seriously hard work, all this 'changing for the better' business. Wish I had a full time life coach beside me some days, someone to really push me to go outside my comfort zone and develop much faster.

I think you make a good point about the loneliness aspect. Perhaps it's a matter of reframing it in some way. Alone time means different things to different people. Alone time for someone who's a brilliant independent planner in life is a gift. They love the freedom of not having any distractions. Alone time for someone whose thoughts are driving them to anxiety or depression can feel like torture. I think a major challenge when it comes to alone time is when we feel it while we're with people. Personally, I never feel alone within a group when there's a really good connection there. Being a bit of an introvert, I find it challenging to make connections within a group of strangers. Another part of my challenge is I have a habit of 'reading' a person or people I meet and I'll feel what I read. This is something you've touched on before. I may feel a person's disinterest, in speaking to me or I may feel a person's struggle in holding a conversation filled with small talk. The fact that I'm shocking at small talk doesn't help matters. I can feel a person judging me and I can feel a person degrading me or shutting me down. Sometimes the whole room can just feel pretty horrible. Blah! On the other hand you can really feel when a group of folk just naturally vibe and are happy to have you making a connection with them. They're the naturals. I love 'em, as such people are so easy to be around. Their nature leads you to feel nothing but welcome.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly, Happy Mothers I hope your family spoils you today!

I guess the alone time for me means thinking and overthinking at the moment. I just don’t feel like I’m an attractive prospect as a male or for any woman to want me at all at the moment and everything feels like a struggle to break that.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Thank you so much for your mother's day well wishes. It was a lovely day. My kids are truly beautiful people. I'm blessed to know them and be their mum as an added bonus.

I can relate to where you're coming from when it involves alone time being about overthinking. Even non alone time can involve overthinking for me lately. When the challenge we face is a huge one, it's almost like it consumes you, swallows you up. The overthinking can even distract us from even doing our job the way we usually do it. Makes you want to scream, to feel your thoughts so much, so often.

When it comes to a significant life change, a fork in the road moment in life (wondering which way to go), I tend to gravitate toward mind altering research, so that it'll hopefully alter my mind so I can make better sense of what I'm facing and how I'm feeling. The book I'm reading at the moment is making some difference, 'Sensitive is the new strong'. Perhaps there'll be a massive difference by the time I get to the end of it. I like the way the author places emphasis on the importance of a strong and healthy ego, while being someone who feels deeply at the same time. A strong and healthy ego (different from being egotistical) tells you that you belong in this world, you have a purpose, you should not settle for being treated poorly, you have the strength and ability to stand up for your self and others and the list goes on. An ego that isn't strong and healthy can lead to poor self esteem. It's interesting how she speaks of the ways in which we're taught to suppress our ego, such as with not talking about how good we are at something while being proud of our self, suppressing standing up for our self or others so as not to rock the boat or upset anyone, being taught to be a people pleaser as opposed to saying 'No' to people, in greater service to our self etc etc.

To confidently recognise and fully believe 'I deserve better than this' or 'I am entitled to the same respect I offer others' while truly feeling those mantras is a reflection of self love that comes from the heart.

In a nutshell, the book is pretty much about how to truly love yourself while being someone who feels or senses so much. After this book, I feel compelled to read another which my daughter gave me some time ago, 'The subtle art of not giving a f***'. I'll go with that feeling and see where it takes me 🙂

Anything you're feeling compelled to do? Is there a deeper part of you that's speaking to you?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I’m glad you have a good Mother’s Day with your family!


Thinking about the book you mentioned, I think I well and truly have a problem with suppressing my ego. For example, my parents often tell me to have more pride in what I do for a living/have achieved academically as my mum always says when I’m asking what I’m doing or do for work I often reply “I’m an engineer” but I follow it up with things like “it’s nothing special haha”. Might be a silly example and I’m not the type that likes to talk about myself at all because I don’t like myself but my parents and counsellors I’ve spoken to believe I have a problem with down playing my strengths to a point where I feel I’m not worth the time.


In terms of dating as well at the moment I see absolutely no redeeming feature in myself that is going to attract anyone so it’s hard for me to break that habit.


Thinking about your question at the end of your post, the last week or so in the aftermath of how I was sort of treated in the end with that girl I was seeing I’ve had moments where I’ve thought to myself enough is enough I need to change in order to unlock some sort of self esteem.


There was a period where I had some sort of natural calmness in myself and all of a sudden I went downhill again and fast.
I guess what I really want is to be able to have peace in my mind and be comfortable in who I am, stop comparing myself to everyone around me and looking at myself on a negative light so I can just enjoy my life better.


Doing this practically is what I am struggling with, I am trying stuff like mindfulness and things like that but I find that this issue probably can’t just be solved with that but I’m confused as to how to do it.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Our job title is a perfect example of how we can be led to sell our self short. Responding to people's question 'What do you do?' may require a colourful answer or some elaboration, as opposed to offering a simple title. If we're out to impress, why not make it impressive. Eg: A couple of my jobs in the past have involved me working as a carer, analyst, chauffeur, accountant/financial manager, first aid practitioner, counselor/psychologist, seamstress, personal shopper, administrator, liaison, music/art therapist, cook, maintenance person, cleaner, advocate, general manager, gardener and the list goes on. Sounds impressive. Sounds like a lot of hard work. I'll whittle it all down to just a couple of titles, titles that don't get the respect they deserve these days - 'Mum' and 'Home maker'. The amount of women these days who are ashamed to admit they're a stay at home mum really saddens me. They typically feel a sense of shame based on the reaction they get from others.

Daniel, where would the world be without engineers? They are visionaries, hard workers, imaginative inventors, inspiring, evolutionary and more. They're a significant part of the engine of society which powers it forward into the future. Not happy with the title? Create a new one that better defines what you do. Define yourself as 'Inventor' or 'Analyst', for example. That should get people wondering. If they ask 'What do you invent?'...let's see... Could be 'I'm part of a team that invents ways of connecting people to greater social opportunities', if you're involved in designing infrastructure (bridges, roads, buildings etc). I say sell it. Stretch your imagination and stretch theirs too. Lead people to say 'That sounds interesting'. I bet the simple title of 'Engineer' doesn't do justice when it comes to what you actually do. If people want you to elaborate, you could simply say 'What I'm working on is in the design stage and this is something I can't really discuss'. Sound mysterious? Good. Leave 'em guessing 🙂

As I may have mentioned - One of the greatest abilities we possess is the ability to manipulate our own brain and our way of thinking. Typically this is done through the imagination. If I imagine the worst, that's what I'll see. If I imagine anything other than the worst, then that's what I'll see. Can take a lot of practice and strategy to imagine anything other than the worst. Good or bad, our imagination tends to lead the way. Can get out of control sometimes 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you are spot on about everything you’ve mentioned just there. I think part of it for me is, may sound silly, but the way my brain works is that my default position is “I am boring” therefore to elaborate on my work for example would be to bore people. This feeds into pressure that I have described where I feel like if I do contribute I have to say something out of the box or imaginative to grab and hold peoples attention and I can’t just stay sort of quiet and listen. It’s sort of like thinking “I need to say something because I’m not talking but it has to be good otherwise I’ll look weird”. Then on the flip I also think whatever I have to say isn’t worthy of the conversation so I grapple in my head to say something so I don’t look boring or to not say anything because what I would say is silly anyway and I get nervous.


Sorry if I’ve gone back over that point again for the hundredth time I just feel it’s probably one of the biggest triggers to the problems I’m having, I think it all ties back to low self esteem and basically feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. For example, I wonder sometimes if I was really comfortable in myself it shouldn’t matter if I talk 24/7 or not because I would be comfortable with who I am but sadly I am most definitely not and I don’t think as you and other have mentioned trying to force for example being an extrovert is going to help because I’m not that. This struggle as you can imagine affects my dating life as well.


I am trying to strip everything back and just get back to being some form of myself, I’ve taken up a new hobbie but this is where my brain just runs riot….this should be looked at as constructive as part of completely losing myself I stopped doing anything to occupy my time and enjoy myself on my own but instead what I seem to think is “why am I doing this when I should be looking for a partner and using my time to do that”. But at the same time maybe doing stuff for myself might make that process easier.


As you can probably tell most of the time I’m always confused haha so even if I met someone when they see this thinking side of me they’ll probably run away

[smallwolf]

I think that it is natural to think we are boring when we have this sort of mind-set. Or at least that applies to me, though perhaps the circumstances or scenarios were different - what appears to be competing activities of things we need to do at the same time. In your case it is wanting to meet someone and find a hobby.

I am also confident that your life is not boring... you have a story to tell. Perhaps the places where you grew up or things you did.

But this is clouded by the thoughts of I'm boring.

You could find that person when looking or a hobby - a group to join? Perhaps talk about the search for a hobby could be another point of conversation. This can be hard at certain times and to simply say "do it" does not work. And sometimes just getting through the day is enough. Please know you are worth it!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Have to agree with smallwolf, I don't believe you're as boring as what you imagine. I can't help but wonder whether people in the past have triggered kind of boring/typical conversations and that's the real issue. It's the small talk kinda conversation involving 'What do you do for a living? What kind of day have you had?' and the biggy...here it comes...'What have you been up to?'. Oh my gosh! My automatic response to that is typically 'Not much' and then I think 'Gee, I'm boring'. Wish I could say skydiving or saving some endangered species or I partied like an animal last night but, no, 'Not much' is what I offer. Then things go a bit silent and you can feel the silence and it almost feels like the silence is your fault.

If I threw you in a room packed with wonderful people who took conversation in a seriously wonderful direction I imagine you'd have a great time and you'd probably find out a bit about yourself in the process. There'd be none of that 'So, what have you been up to?' business. The convo would more so be something along the lines of 'Do you wonder how people would react if Scott Morrison attended the next press conference in drag?' or 'What 3 superpowers would you choose, if given the choice?' or 'If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?'. Wonderful conversations are rarely ever boring and boring conversations are rarely ever wonderful. There are even ways to shift attention away from yourself, through the art of wonder. For example, in a room full of people you may say to the person who's asked what you've been up to 'Don't worry about me, what about those people over there. I wonder what they're up to?'. Best to point out a group that appears to be doing something interesting or questionable. You're triggering the people in the conversation to shift focus and begin wondering about other people. This is actually the first time I've thought about this particular strategy. I must try it myself some time.

I believe throwing our self into a hobby can be highly constructive. We practice what we become good at and that's a self esteem booster right there. Could be a whole new way to go, 'I'll practice mastering a new hobby or interest before I go back out into the world each time'. Self development in between love interests could be your thing.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Smallwolf and yourself make good points yet again and apologies if I seem stubborn with my thoughts, I guess it's hard to break this pattern I am in at the moment.

I have been looking at things and people around me and seems like I have led a very boring life or haven't enjoyed myself whilst I am young. Maybe this is depression/anxiety clouding my judgement because my friends and family have kept telling me it's not true because I have been out and about in the past and I have done things but I am falling for a trap of seeing things like social media and as I have mentioned previously I am not that massively active on it and I see people I grew up with doing all sorts with big groups of friends etc and I just fundamentally don't have that and I have exhausted myself trying to fill that void but either anxiety destroys my chances or I think I am probably just not really worth the time for people.

I don't know if this is all the depression, loneliness and anxiety really taking over or whether it is just a fact now as I am really starting to believe it because how can anyone like me when I don't even (a) like myself and (b) even know what "being myself" is anymore.

Like I have gone out and stuff but I feel like I am fairly simple as a guy and being single it feels like this is bad, I need to have more "wow factor" so to speak but is this rational?

I don't even know what I am saying as I write either, I am sick of this I just feel not worth it