Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I feel like such a burden talking to my parents or a GP or therapist as I know there are others who have it way worse than me. What ends up happening is a filtered version of how I really feel and the stupid worries I have comes out. I have found myself actively changing how I describe things when I speak to someone like I am trying to get an answer correct.

My self esteem is at it's lowest point I have ever experienced in my life and I really have no real energy or effort to pull myself up, I have been trying for so long and I am now just completely and utterly defeated and exhausted.

I was out last night and I was so self conscious I can't even remember half the night and the only thing I do remember is thinking why the hell would anyone enjoy my company. People would look at me and know straight away I am a boring person, wouldn't be much fun to be around and then in terms of dating my physical attributes leave a lot to be desired as well.

I really do not have many redeeming features, everyone in the place whether they may be quiet or louder people seem to have fun and have a laugh with people and look relaxed. I am the complete opposite, I don't want to leave my house anymore I am over it all

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Developing the ability to challenge others, as opposed to pleasing them, can be a seriously tough ability to develop. I think I've managed to develop it through sheer intolerance. Couple of examples

• With my husband, I used to be basically challenging when it came to developing a sense of adventure. I used to say to him, for example, 'Why don't we go away somewhere for the weekend' or 'Why don't we try new places to eat out at'. After all, you gotta add ventures to life (adventure) not repeat the same old ventures 'til they become unfulfilling or kinda soul destroying. He'd typically respond with 'I prefer staying at home, rather than staying somewhere else' and 'Nah, I like that places we usually eat at'. So, I'd suppress and suppress and suppress my need for a difference 'til I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. I'd been suppressing my nature for years, to suit him. Eventually, through sheer intolerance (I couldn't tolerate not feeling more alive), I began to seriously challenge him. 'Why don't you consider living outside the square? Why don't you consider exploring what might be more exciting? Why won't you wonder about the differences that may bring our relationship to life more?'. He didn't like this challenge because it left him feeling uncomfortable and he doesn't like feeling uncomfortable. Eventually, recently, I reached the conclusion - he's happy to be self serving, serving himself with what works for him. This is not a rant or a vent, just an example of how sheer intolerance can lead to constructive revelations and change for our self
• We could be asked how we genuinely feel and accept the challenge of being completely honest with perhaps the admittance of 'I feel like absolute garbage. I feel completely hopeless and I feel like I have no meaningful connection to life'. We may instead choose to save others from feeling our heartbreak. Instead of being 100% honest, we may dial down the volume so others don't experience the depths of our sufferance. If we're an empath/a feeler, we're conscious of how we don't want to lead others to feel. This can come at a cost to our self. We can be left alone to experience the depth of our feelings or despair, while not leading others to understand how deep those feelings really go. I always encourage my kids to be completely honest with their pain no matter how painful this feels for me, for another person's pain should not be felt by them alone

A cry for help and guidance should be loud and honest 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I really struggle to let things go and get on with my life, I seem to feel things very deeply that other people involved are able to move better than me and I feel weak as young male.

For example the girl I recently dated and it didn’t continue because she was moving for work particularly because we disliked each other. If she had of been staying where she was then it may well have continued but recently she told me she met someone else over the weekend (why she would tell me this I have no idea given she knew I was disappointed about us ending and I was worried that I had done something).

Anyway, now I feel really stupid for having let myself like someone because I THOUGHT they liked me for once but seems like she had kept this to herself as we were ending so who am I kidding why would she have liked me.

Then I feel like I’m not enough of a man because I get deeply upset by things like this and I can’t control my emotions. Just a pathetic excuse for a male and so silly for believing someone would like me

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Brutal, to find out from that girl she's seeing someone else. From what you say, sounds like she didn't explain why she felt the need to tell you. While the reason for telling you wouldn't have necessarily eased the upset, I think it's important for you to know. Could it have been out of consideration, so you didn't have to hear it from someone else? Who knows.

As I may have mentioned, perhaps one of your biggest challenges in life involves you beginning to confront people, leading them to be more responsible and reasonable (offering you reasons for their thinking and actions). I find, sometimes, it can be easier to not demand a response from people. Confrontation has a definite feel to it, ranging from mild discomfort through to extreme anxiety. What confrontation can do though is confirm we have a right (such as the right to know or the right to an answer) as well as confirming our feelings are valuable. Confrontation can help us better manage our feelings. 'Why would you tell me this?' is something you deserved and answer to.

Reading a brilliant book at the moment that someone from work recommended called 'Sensitive is the new strong', by Anita Moorjani. Daniel, it's blowing my mind, while offering a lot of 'Aha' moments. It's about being a highly sensitive person or what some may call an empath. It explains why empaths tend to be introverts, struggling with large groups of people, why they're easily impacted by others, why they feel so deeply, why they tend to have mental well being challenges, why they tend to be people pleasers and so much more. The author is a woman who seriously struggled from such an early age with being such a feeler. She felt compelled to explore the intense ability to feel, developing tools when it comes to managing this ability. She also felt the need to share all she'd learned with others who struggle with their ability to feel so much, with the book being one of those ways to share.

I believe, by the time you reach 30 you will have developed a lot of self knowledge because of your analytical nature. While some people may say to me 'You think too much, you just gotta get on with life', I've developed a lot of self understanding because I sit with questions. I think a lot of people don't question enough. They tend to move through life in a semi conscious way. For an analyst who's a feeler, not getting to the bottom of all those questions can feel upsetting and even depressing.

Btw, how did the GP appointment go?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

It is difficult to explain all the context behind this situation but I do not think it was out of totally out of consideration. Maybe in part it was. I have understood she is quite the insecure type and I always tried to boost her up and reassure her throughout the whole time and ultimately it probably was the issue of long distance in the future that caused all this but my counsellor believes her sort of lack of communication and leaving me in the dark is probably symptomatic of her distancing herself to avoid further hurt because she liked me and due to her own insecurities about the way she’s been treated in the past.

She even said as much that I was different others she had dated and I always made an effort to respect her, it’s the sort bluntness in response to some of my efforts to just shed some light on whether I did something wrong regardless of her moving for work. Probably had just heightened my anxiety. She did say that she would still be dating me if not for moving for work because we would see each other more regularly but the way she just sort of changed a bit left me in the dark and I thought I deserved the respect of an explanation and just makes me think she didn’t like me anyway and why would she have.

I guess I’m just struggling a lot with it and moving on because my feelings were at probably their height when it sort of came to an end and it was unexpected. Probably it was a common sense way forward in the end but I’ve never ever felt like someone liked me or had that sort of companionship in my life and just feels like I got discarded in the end for a better option.

This severe lack of companionship really reared it’s head during COVID lockdowns and has gotten worse and worse since if I’m honest, I don’t know how to build myself back up.

I can relate to people saying I think too much as well. I think my thinking patterns are quite destructive to my self esteem though also. For example I am continually questioning my self worth as a man because it seems as though I am too nice or too sensitive for any female to have strong attraction to because it seems like people will just get sick of me after a while. And then not to mention when my anxiety rears it’s head then I think people will just leave me.

The GP appointment went ok, I have to see her again today to discuss some medication potentially for anxiety and maybe another counsellor but I’m not sure how I feel about the medication. Thanks for asking.

[That Other Guy]

There is a real industry in telling you 'how to be a real man', and it's all nonsense. I was on the dating scene last year, because I was pushed, and I was sure no woman would want me. All my friends tell me I did REALLY well (one serious relationship, 5 or so girls very interested, dating and friendly interactions with about 18 women), and the reason was that I am ALWAYS kind, and nice, and thoughtful and interested in consent. I PROMISE you that the bare minimum human decency is enough to put you ahead of most guys in the dating world, and leads to strong and real attraction. I mended things with my wife and had to block the lady I met because I tried to be just friends and she would not take no for an answer.

Don't ever try to be something you're not. Don't ever want a relationship based on 'cool relationship hacks' on the internet. You want someone to love you for you, and from what you're saying, that won't be hard to find if you look.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

100% agree with That Other Guy. While the industry defines how a 'real man' should appear and act and how to be 'a hot attractive female' so many people go on to suffer through not feeling good enough. For a start, all you have to do is look at how the plastic surgery industry is rubbing its hands together while it makes billions. One of the reasons I love the spiritual side of life is because it can offer great insight into the challenges of being our natural self. There are a heck of a lot of challenges at times, that's for sure. For example

• To be highly anxious at times naturally tells us that there are highly stressful elements we're trying to manage. Whether we're trying to manage our nervous system, our chemistry, our stressful internal dialogue, our environment and so on, the best path to managing can take some time to find. Btw, some folk find a path with a number of strategies. They might take a path without medication or take a path that begins with medication and, while they're on it, develop management strategies for coping with stress. So when they come off the meds they've got the strategies to then rely on
• To be deeply depressed naturally tells us we're trying to manage what's deeply depressing. Getting to the bottom of what's deeply depressing becomes the ultimate challenge. Again, with or without meds depends on what the best management strategy is under the circumstances
• To be highly confused when it comes to how we fit into this world naturally tells us we possibly have no idea when it comes to who we are

Just a few examples yet each one points to the fact that what we're experiencing is natural. Of course, natural doesn't mean easy. What's natural can be far from easy. Natural can feel highly triggering and soul destroying at times. We're being much kinder to our self when we say 'What I'm experiencing is natural and this doesn't make me 'less than' or 'faulty''. Self esteem is given a healthy dose of truth from which it feeds off.

Are you doing things the hard way, the natural way that doesn't involve you numbing everything with illicit drugs and alcohol? Absolutely. You have to give yourself serious credit for that, you really do. Why do you think illicit drug use and alcohol abuse are such an issue in this world? it's so much easier to use these things than it is to feel and face certain challenges in life. For a start, when you go out to functions, how many people are drinking? Why can they not function without alcohol?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

You and That Other Guy make good points and logically I should know this I feel but what seems to be the pattern with me is getting dumped in favour of someone else who would seem to fit this image more so than I and therefore that’s where a lot of the problems with me feeling this way come from as it’s now happened again and not for the first time as well. The ultimate feeling is I am not good enough, not attractive enough and in this particular case im even more ashamed of myself because I let myself think someone liked me for once in spite of not really being that “alpha”

I know I am not that type of guy and I have made the mistake of trying to mould myself into this and it does not feel right and to be honest I can’t even pull it off, I can’t even pull off being myself at the moment.
For example things that make my head go into a spiral with this stuff is this particular person mentioned once “you wouldn’t wear the pants”. Now to me a healthy relationship isn’t about that kind of thing but it’s said it a way where because I’m nice and easy going. I think me being easy going gets mistaken for not being assertive when I’m just a simple person to be completely honest. All I pretty much want is to spend time with a certain person, it wouldn’t really matter what we were to do…obviously if it’s something off the charts that I wouldn’t like then I say something but I know it’s usually not. This type of attitude has been called not assertive enough. Ultimately I don’t think people like me all in all and as a male I’m lacking some sort of identity.

The GP said that I might need to medication to give me just a boost temporarily to try and help with the psychological side of it because she said without it, the state I am in it may take a while.

But maybe this whole experience with this girl whilst it has depressed me about the state of my mental health and self doubt, is something I need.

I believe the real me can be likeable and attractive but it has to be those things to me first if that makes sense. How I get there I have no idea at this point because I’ve tried a lot of things, counselling, meditation, mindfulness and I always relapse.

[That Other Guy]

Look, to be clear, I was dating for 6 months last year and I hit it off with about 14 women and got rejected by at least 60. You're never going to appeal to EVERYONE but you only need a lasting connection with ONE PERSON. So the ONLY path to happiness is to be true to who you are, so you end up with someone who loves you, and not an act you put on.

The messaging about 'real men' is rife in society, and some women fall for it as well. That's their problem really. You sound a lot like me TBH. I am certain there are women who would be overjoyed to meet a guy like you, because I met them 🙂

If you have mental health issues, see a GP and get some help. But all this toxic masculinity BS can just get in the bin. People like us are in high demand, because women are sick of crappy men trying to control and own them. Here's another fact - I spent all of last year in despair and only realised I'd done pretty good after the fact. Dating is ALWAYS hard. But I am certain if you get out there, you'll find someone you appreciates you just the way you are.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Once again, That Other Guy hits the nail on the head. A lot of girls your age don't yet know what a good man is. They'll eventually work it out as they begin to gravitate away from the kind of guy who's actually rather depressing. 'Depressing' is a guy who brings a girl down in favor of boosting his ego and serving or raising himself. He's the kind of guy who doesn't listen to a girl when she's in need of a partner to lean on. He doesn't want to hear about her 'ridiculous problems'. He's one who doesn't question himself because he's convinced he's 'all that'. I have great respect for guys who question themselves and wonder. Kinda like 'Why do I tick the way I do? What's the deal with me, why can't I let go of this? I wonder what changes I need to make at this point in my life in order to invite more adventure in' and the list goes on. Give me a guy who questions and wonders his way through his oven evolution, while helping his girl do the same, and I regard him as brilliant and inspirational.

Was watching a fascinating YouTube video earlier today before I went off to work. It was about letting go. The creator of the video points to 4 stages. The first stage is about 'awareness'. Being aware of why we're attached to a person or an idea or a belief etc involves developing a new level of consciousness. The 2nd is about 'payoff' or what that person, idea or belief etc gives to us. The 3rd points to 'reframing' or seeing a different meaning behind our relationship with that person, idea, belief etc. The last stage comes down to making 'the choice to let go'.

I think the first stage, that part about developing awareness is interesting. While we could be thinking 'I love that person and I can't live without them', perhaps the truth may really be in some cases 'I can't love myself without them' or 'I don't know how to live and love myself without them' or 'I rely on them to feel lovable while they show me how to live an exciting life'. So, if they leave, how can we possibly love our self or feel excited about life? The payoff comes down to how they lead us to feel about our self. The reframing stage might sound like 'Them removing themself from my life is now forcing me to explore how to go about loving myself'. Hard to do if you've never done it before, love yourself in a truly soulful way. Letting go of the person so as to explore doing what we perhaps have always wanted to genuinely do (love our self fully) becomes the challenge.