Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I'm going to stick my oar in here for a minute.

I think it's great you're getting professional help with your anxiety and self esteem issues, this is definitely worth continuing.

A dance floor in a bar, not for you! For your personality and the type of girl you would like, no.

I'm going to reiterate that I think you are best to meet people who share a common interest.

What about a weekend bush walking/ hiking group? This is how I met my first boyfriend, my friends and I joined a bush walking club to meet guys! You are outdoors doing a physical activity and usually stop for a lunch break, and you get to talk to the other walkers as you go along.

You could enquire at a national park. I think this would suit you as it's relaxed and outdoors.

Also a choir or amateur theatre company or photography group.

But I would encourage a walking group as being outdoors is relaxing and you will be less anxious. I also have two good friends who met that way and have been very happily married for a long time, and to meet someone was why they joined in the first place.

Cheers.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Hanna offers a brilliant idea with the bush walking/hiking. Even if it begins as a natural form of therapy to give you a break from anxiety/stress, developing a love of nature could be something that sets you on a different path. Whether you meet someone or not, in the way of a partner, is another thing. I imagine there would be a variety of people to meet, such as those who took it up because they were looking to meet someone, those who took it up because they love nature, ones who do it for greater mental and physical well being, those who do it to combat loneliness etc.

I mentioned to someone just the other day something I'd heard that changed my perspective on life to some degree. The woman who expanded on an old concept of how life's supposedly meant to go explained it beautifully. I hope I can do this concept justice in the way I explain it...

Imagine our own life is like a huge net, with a lot of intersecting lines. Each line is a life course. If I chose to live life along one line, my life would play out along that line. If nothing changed, my last day on earth would see me as a largely closed minded person who missed many opportunities to change or develop myself and my life. Along that line I may have closed my mind off to having children or developing interests that could have served me in soulful ways. I could have closed my mind to leaving the job that depressed me, having chosen to stay in it until it destroyed me.

Now, imagine at various intersecting points I changed course, as my mind began to open to different influences and possibilities. If you can picture an intersecting point on a net (while moving forward) to resemble a kind of fork in the road, I can either continue along the same line or go off onto a new line and that becomes my new course, until the next intersection or fork comes along. The intersections determine where I head at any given time.

With Hanna mentioning bush walking/hiking, you could see this as an intersecting point. Will life change significantly if you take this course? Will you meet a group of people who will lead you to see life differently or live life differently? Will you develop a love of nature that leads to a love of photography which leads to a love of a photographer you meet which leads to a love of camping, where you play your guitar at night around the campfire, providing peace and joy for everyone who hears your gift of music? Who knows.

I suppose you could call all this 'Networking' 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

How you explained it makes perfect sense and strangely enough the concept you describe very similar to a book I just picked up which sort of relates to me very much at the moment. It starts out with a young woman who basically feels she has no worth and the like and she is transported somewhere where she’s shown all different possibilities of her life, much like the concept you mention. I have only just started it but seems to relate to me a bit and what you mention also.


I think the issues I have at the moment is….firstly and critically I feel like I provide no value to anyone in my life at all and I’m not worth anyones time so therefore I’m starting to think what’s the point, secondly I feel like there has to be something more and paths I can take as you mentioned but I have no idea what I even want to do which just makes me stand still and lastly I hate myself that I dont have the courage to just choose something or someone or whatever to take a path.

Using your example which I like, I’m at an intersection but I’m just standing still at the fork in the road too scared to go either way because I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or whether I even have the self worth to do it.

How do you even figure that out

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks a lot for the ideas and advice, I will do some research into these and see what I can find.

I still think I’ll be restricted a bit by anxiety as with the case whenever I’m around new people but maybe like you say the outdoors aspect of it will help with that.

Maybe I get a bit fearful to try new things because I fear rejection and looking silly to other people so I try to spare that from happening and also some things are against the grain of what I’d usually do so maybe I’m trying to fit a certain mould too much as well

Thanks again for great advice 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

Nobody looks silly joining a walking group. Lots of people join because they are lonely and they form a friendship group while enjoying the outdoors with other people.. you are out walking, you learn new things about wildlife and nature, you have an outdoor lunch somewhere, we usually stopped somewhere with a lovely view, it's relaxing and thoroughly enjoyable!

The first time is always hardest, after that it's easy... generally people at these things are very nice, and finding things to talk to is easy as you have things all around you on the walk.

There are also ramblers groups in the city, I joined one in Sydney, that was great, we would meet up in the city on the weekend, go for a walk around some interesting inner city places, and have lunch together at an outdoor cafe. These are great ways to make some friends! You could look these up, Melbourne is a very walkable city so there would be similar groups there.

You have to push yourself to try something new... maybe your psychologist can help you here - but this is how you will gain self confidence too.. and find some enjoyable company for times when you feel lonely and want companionship.

Do talk about it with your psych hey?

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

You are very right that I need to try something, I have spoken about it with my pysch. I guess I feel like I don’t have the courage to do it and makes me ashamed of myself because I get paralysed with fear if I approach people in general so the thought of doing something new whilst I want to I struggle to take the step.

I am seriously lacking energy and thirst for life as well at the moment, I have been thinking that I really don’t offer any value to anyone and what’s the point of everything when that’s the case. I should just leave people alone I feel.

Im not sure if youve ever felt this way either but for example I know I’d want a partner and companionship but there seems to be this gaping hole in my life in general but I have no idea what is it I really want. It’s not career/job related because I’m relatively satisfied and can’t see myself changing it’s more I look at my life and think that I’m just really an uninteresting person that’s offered no value to the world and done nothing of note.

Maybe I am placing too much pressure to lead a massive life that I’ve confused myself into just not being present and trying to be me, I don’t know I guess

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

You seem to have been stuck in that same line of thinking over and over. It must be exhausting. Social anxiety is pretty common and challenging, I think get your psych's advice on how to deal with that... personally I am most comfortable in relaxed situations outside, doing some activity like walking or swimming etc. Maybe you need to figure out what works best for you.

At some stage, maybe with support from your psych and meds etc, you will hopefully find you can take some steps to try out one or two activities/social events that might suit you. I think it's best to aim at having pleasant casual friendships for a while rather than seeking a partner. To me that seems to put way too much pressure on things! It puts pressure on you and builds up expectations on the other person.

My impression is that this all got worse after the online dating, but I may be wrong. Friends here were having a fun discussion recently about their online dating horror experiences, all of them had been rejected multiple times, and had also rejected others themselves. The stories were hilarious!

You do just stay here on this one thread - could you try getting to "know" some people here by participating in some of the games/cafe etc? Think of it as making virtual friendships and maybe you will gain some sense of companionship and confidence from that?

Others can only do so much, and then it really is up to you - being lonely is no fun, but it can take some trial and error to find the people that suit you.

Maybe other people can come along and give you some more suggestions. Again, you could try to meet people here on BB too. Good luck!

Cheers.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The book sounds interesting. Perhaps picking up the book was one of those intersecting points. To pick it up or not to pick it up. There you go. It could begin to change things for you in some way.

If someone said to me 'How would you live your life beyond basically?', I admit I have little idea at this point. While it still has its challenges, living basically is generally straight forward. Living beyond basically takes a whole different mindset. It can take courage, new coping/management strategies (which may include new breathing techniques for managing potentially stressful challenges), a more exercised vision, more developed instincts, a change to certain belief systems and internal dialogue and so on. It can be hard work.

While living basically has served me in a lot of constructive ways over the years, it has also become somewhat depressing. As I've mentioned, I'll do whatever it takes to not return to full on depression and I know that involves me no longer living in a way that provides simply the basics. While the first move toward change was a seriously tough one (discussing with my husband the need to separate), I can't stop there, otherwise they're simply words with no constructive change connected to them. It's basically talk with no action. Part of the challenge is to begin developing my vision and this can only happen with a change of internal dialogue. I think we spoke of developing constructive mantras. Btw, the thing about mantras is...you gotta pick ones that you can fully believe in. A believable one might be 'While I fear some of the changes ahead of me, I will come to manage them with skill'. Of course, this means developing skills, as opposed to hoping for the best.

If you're a little like me and get along easier with much younger people or much older people, interacting with a group of people where the age range varies could be one way of developing social skills while finding ways to manage social anxiety. Another for the toolbox may involve following the guidance of the right kind of internal dialogue. The right kind can be seriously challenging yet it develops us. A very simple example might involve saying 'Hi' with a smile when you next pass someone on the street. While one mindset may say 'Just smile and say 'Hi'', the other may say 'Don't do that, you'll look stupid'. Practice ignoring the mindset that encourages no constructive change. Baby steps. Sometimes we need to learn to walk before we can run 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna


I’ll have a go at some of the things you mentioned they could be a good starting point for me.


You are right that it is up to me to ultimately change and people can only do so much and I think that’s part of the feeling I have at the moment as there are people like yourself and others on this thread and in my life trying to help me but whatever I seem to be going through is like a force that’s just taking over me everyday. I feel like a massive burden on people trying to seek help and I’m ultimately scared to live basically because I fear I’m just letting people down.


So in effect I try a lot to manage it on my own and that’s probably why it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere because I don’t have the courage or the tools to really change it at the moment, I feel like I lack meaning and purpose to others and life in general.


I’ll try that cafe thing you mentioned to try and expand my horizons a bit, I’m grateful for your advice and everyone else’s advice on here…I’m trying to break through I’ve probably just never felt like an overwhelming sense of depression like this before and when I don’t want to burden my parents and family it becomes a lot for me to juggle and I try find ways to escape I guess.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Funny you mention the stuff about living basically etc because it’s probably the theme of the book in the end as the main character goes through all different possibilities they can live. I can’t quite remember the exact quote but it was something like you don’t need to live


What you say resonates with me as I feel it’s a big part of the problem with this depression I’m feeling. Difference is I feel like I don’t even know how to basically live at the moment. I feel like I have no purpose in life and that I serve no purpose to people other.


I don’t have any idea at all of what really excites me in life or is a passion I can use to take up my time and even then just to basically live each day and enjoy my life it’s like I lack the fundamental skills to do this because I keep asking myself what the hell am I doing, what the hell do I need to do and what the hell am I supposed to be doing.


I don’t have a massive interest or wealth of knowledge in any particular subject that makes me interesting really, I feel my life has just wasted away and I serve no purpose other than to get up, overthink for 18hrs whilst working and go to bed.


I want to be able to just live but there has to be more to my life than this feeling because at the moment if this is then it’s not worth it, I feel thoroughly unremarkable as a person and the hardest part is people looking in on the outside think I’ve got all and I really don’t because my mind is warped and all I do is frustrate people and let people down with how i feel


For example, I do engineering to work but would I say it’s a huge passion…not really, I don’t want to change my job because I like it enough and there’s not much else I could see myself doing but I don’t have massive career ambitions, then I want a partner but given I feel like I myself have no purpose I don’t think this would even help at the moment, not that I need to have a massive calling in life as generally I just want to lead a simple/happy life but what the hell does that even mean to me


I know how stupid I sound to people trying to explain this as well so apologies