Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

While the pain you're feeling is what could be described as soul destroying (my heart goes out to you), I'm glad you've come to see the gravity of the challenge you're facing. It's in no way small. A life changing stage of our life is rarely ever a small thing.

Not sure if it feels relatable but I'll put it out there in case it does help in making sense of what you may be going through... Over the years, I've come to identify the onset of an undeniable life changing challenge. I know I'm in such a challenge because I begin to feel the onset as depression. Depression signifies and dictates 'Something has got to change. Life can't go on this way. It's intolerable. Something must change and now. You have to now let go of something or some things that are soul destroying'.

I can easily offer examples of what I'd define as 'soul destroying' in my life. The fact that I've come to fully identify and understand them takes the depressing nature out of them. They're no longer based on emotion, now that I have clarity. Just to name a few: I'm in what I previously never realised is a soul destroying marriage, my father's self serving to the point where it leads people to the brink of pure frustration, insanity and borderline depression and my job is so unnecessarily stressful based on management mismanaging. So, the challenges - to leave the marriage (confident I've tried everything under the sun to reform it), emotionally detach from my father (who doesn't intentionally set out to upset people) and find a job that I enjoy. I used to enjoy the job I'm in until it became ridiculously stressful. All 3 are significant challenges and if I don't face them constructively depression is inevitable down the track and I just refuse to go there again, back into full on depression (something I left years ago). I barely made it out alive the last time.

Typically we won't seriously feel our challenges until they become highly triggering, stressful and/or depressing. When we feel them, we can feel them big time.

While you may be able to say that low to average self esteem levels were a basic issue in the past, perhaps now they've become a deeply depressing issue. Now there's no ignoring the work that needs to be done regarding raising self esteem levels. This one's a massive challenge that's going to reform you. It's a whopper.

Btw, I used to say the same thing about myself, 'I'm a loser', yet these days I specify - 'I'm a loser of direction. Something I must find'.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I am very sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, I really want to be able to offer some good advice to you but I think I lack the life experience, I’m probably a bit naive and also lack the intelligence to offer some perspective on how you could combat those examples but I sincerely hope and know that there is a way through them for you.

I think for me at the moment I’ve been triggered by certain life events that have sort of tipped me over the edge in regards to issues I have long tried ro suppress.

I lost a companion in that girl I was dating, not through something wrong with either of us but due to distance after she moved for work. For once I felt like I had at the very least found a friendship where she seemed to understand me in ways others have misunderstood me and she still enjoyed my company. I think the company kept me ticking over and kept the frequent panic attacks at bay….now as it’s ending I feel intense sadness and I think everything I’ve been struggling with over the last 6-8 months has spilled over and gone off the charts.

I don’t know how to manage my emotions, whether it’s anxiety leading to a panic attack or whether it’s thinking over and over about time I spent with this person leading me to feel depressed. I don’t know how to manage the emotions I feel right now and move forward to meet someone else.

As I have mentioned before, as someone who has always felt pressure to live up to an image and never felt like they actually have a place, this person even just for a moment masked all those feelings and made me think “hang on someone actually does like me for just being me with no facade”.

My life seriously lacks any value or enjoyment at the moment, even before seeing this girl and in parts during seeing her when I was on my own and then definitely now afterwards.

I can’t concentrate on any one task, I went to go kick the footy with my brother yesterday and after 5 minutes I wanted to stop and go home so the rest of the time I was just off with the fairies feeling depressed. I’ve never experienced this to a level like this before.

I don’t have the energy or courage to pick myself and try to live out a day with some enjoyment or without thinking excessively. I feel so alone as well.

I’m starting to have thoughts more and more like if this is how I am then what is the point in me being here. I’m a disappointment to my family and friends (what little friends I have) because I am weak and lack courage

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I truly appreciate your support when it comes to the challenges before me. Don't underestimate your ability to offer me clarity. I believe our chats have led me to many constructive revelations. To name just one - Self esteem factors lay behind all 3 of my challenges. It's amazing how self esteem tends to weave its way through many aspects of our life. Such a common thread tends to contribute to our beliefs and actions and even our inaction. If not for our discussions on self esteem, I believe it would have taken me much longer to reach this conclusion. So, I thank you for being someone who has led me to wonder and a further opening of my mind. Now comes the next stage of the challenge - the development of greater self esteem, a far greater level of faith in myself and some solid plans for the way forward.

To lose the companionship of the girl who made such a difference to you is understandably devastating, in so many ways. She's managed to give you a taste of the kind of people you need and deserve in your life. She's given you insight when it comes to the people you tick best with. I wish I could click my fingers and suddenly have 5 more of those people suddenly appear in your life. People like her are your people, soulful people. When such people drift out of our life, it kind of feels like we're left craving or starving for that kind of soul food and nothing else will satisfy such an intense hunger.

Throughout my years in depression, I recall many a time where I'd be sitting feeling so sad while I watched the people around me have a great time. They'd be laughing and enjoying themselves and I'd resent them for it. I'd resent them for being so 'functional' and so joyful. It wasn't fair, how they could do life so easily. Looking back, I can say they weren't the people I needed most in my life. They were all good people but simply not the kind of people who really fed my soul. I think it's the lack of such people that can become depressing. I wonder, if you're still in contact with her, whether she can suggest the kinds of people or groups who could offer you the kind of insight, support and encouragement she's given you. See what comes to mind for her.

With a serious need to find our place in the world, I can fully understand why people joint cults/certain cultures. While some are constructive, others are highly destructive. At the end of the day, I believe it's a culture we're after, a certain way of life.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I hope our chats have provided some solace to you as you mention and not just consumed you with my ramblings.


At the moment it’s a really struggled for me to pick myself up and get some energy into the days, I feel like such a burden to my family and friends when I try to talk through it that I’d rather keep it to myself. I feel my issues are not worthy of being heard because a guy like me with everything around me should not be complaining or feeling this way. This eats away at me.


With the girl I mentioned, the struggle is I have a habit of replaying things in my head over and over and over again so I never quite move on. As the “issue” was just a long distance thing and not actually between either one of us not liking each other that’s the source of even more disappointment for me. Part of me thinks I made a mistake that I should of been a lot more open with how I felt and not let anxiety hold me back but I did tell her how much I liked her and I would try to find the time given our schedules when she moved away but we ended up agreeing we would rather stay on good terms than risk long distance ruining that.

There was cultural differences that maybe may got in the way anyway should we have continued but it was not so much the romantic nature of the relationship but the companionship behind it all. I had been struggling very badly with anxiety/depression when I met her and it came out at times with her and she still liked me anyway which probably contributes to the disappointment I feel.

She liked me for me I felt, anxiety and all and it’s the first time ever someone has really told me that. Even though my parents would have put pressure on bexause they aren’t from same culture which is another issue in and of itself where I struggle to communicate with my parents out of fear of disapproval.

It’s not so much that I need 100s of friends either but my mind tells me I have to have this. I would rather that 1 companion romantic or not that sees me for everything I am and still wants to spend time with me.

I was out last night and I was just completely on auto pilot, anxiety riddled by the pure fact that there was other people around and before I could get a panic attack I left. On the Uber drive home I was thinking what a sorry state I am in and how I know I need to try to pull myself up but I feel I am too weak of a person to do it as I feel absolutely like nothing at the moment.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Try not to beat yourself up to much for leaving early the other night. For a start you managed to go out in the first place and second you stayed out as long as you did. As I've mentioned before, there were reasons why I drank throughout the whole of my 20s and social anxiety was one of them. In hindsight, I wish I'd developed certain social abilities naturally, without alcohol getting in the way of me achieving that. To this day, I'm still a bit of an introvert who's quite content not going out to functions and I still haven't developed certain social abilities. Seeing I need to change certain aspects of my life, I think this area is something I need to begin working on. Starting small might be the way to go. Now that I think about it, I'm actually an introvert who functions best with other introverts. Stick me in a room full of people who I can relate to and I have no issues at all. It's a breeze.

I think times of reflection can be seriously tough. Whether we're looking back with regret or looking back at disappointment, some of what we're reflecting on can be potentially depressing unless we're willing to learn something from those occasions. If there are no lessons to be learned, then they are nothing more than painful regrets and disappointments and that's no way to live. 'What am I learning from this?' or 'What have I learned from that?' can be key questions when it comes to moving forward with some sense of direction. With a destructive relationship that appears to have been a waste of time, one could say 'I have learned of what I don't want in a relationship. I have learned about what I truly deserve'. Regarding a job that's depressing, one could say 'I've learned I can't tolerate a job that doesn't bring me joy'. From the people we best vibe with who move in an out of our life, one could say 'I am learning who I best vibe with. I'm gaining knowledge of the kind of people I need and deserve in my life and I'm learning they are the kind of people I can effortlessly bring joy to, without fear being involved'. With social anxiety, one could say 'I'm learning there are social skills I need to begin developing and I am learning I can feel myself (my nervous system, heartbeat, breathing etc) in situations that challenge me. I am learning I need to manage various parts of myself skillfully, carefully and lovingly'. To remove our self from a social situation that is causing great unease or dis-ease to our self can be a self loving act.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you are very right about reflecting, I think I make this a very painful experience. For example with this girl, the reflection I go through is all about what I could have done or what I didn’t I do that could have changed things. Realistically it was just geography that got in the way given she’s moving for work and to be honest that makes it even harder for me to swallow. Here was this person I found that I felt a true companionship with and all of sudden just like that bang it’s over not because of a “break up” or anything but just because the long distance would probably make it extremely difficult. I still talk to her and I just feel down and depressed about myself as I am trying to think what I could have done to potentially help the situation.

Then, as silly as this sounds, this situation has probably brought to the forefront of my mind many many deep seated issues I have and have been dealing with for a long time.

For example, when I was out the other night…the absolute lack of interest and enjoyment I felt and energy loss was astounding. This has become the norm for me. I can’t focus on anything…usually work go me through the week, now my performance and learning is probably suffering as I am really struggling to keep my mind focused.

Another example, going for a kick of the footy used to be a fun past time, now I actually dislike going because after 5mins I just want to go home…there’s no particular reason it’s just this nothing feeling.

I am struggling very hard to express this to people and that makes me even more anxious as I keep asking and telling myself what’s wrong like snap out of it. Why am I like this, I haven’t been genuinely happy for quite a while apart from like fleeting moments.

I hate my life and I hate myself, even coaching for soccer….as soon as it’s over I dramatically drop in mood.

I hate waking up in the morning now because I’m anxious about how I’m going to feel all day and everyday feels like such an effort at the moment.

Theres something I’m severely lacking which I don’t know what it is because I realise I can’t be with a partner like this because I hate myself but I really lack companionship and am struggling to deal with the loss of it at the moment.

I see absolutely no way out of this at the moment and worst of all I have no energy and effort to want to try which concerns me

[Sophie_M]

Hey Daniel12, 

We hope you don't mind us popping in to check in. We can hear you're feeling a lot of self-criticism at the moment, so we just wanted to let you know that this is something you could speak to our Support Service about on 1300 22 4636 or online.

We also wanted to share some tips on the BB site, When your inner critic is giving you a tough time

We're sure we'll hear back from the community at some point. In the meantime, our Support Service is here for more immediate support. The counsellors are lovely and they can help you to work out some next steps for getting a bit more support with things. 

Kind regards,
 
Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Do you feel seeing your GP might be one of the ways to go at the moment? Discussing with them the almost debilitating lack of energy could be something well worth discussing at this point. Not having the right level of energy in order to feel or achieve certain goals in life can be depressing in itself. I've discovered over the years one of my triggers for depression is a serious lack of energy. Not having the physical and mental energy to achieve can go on to trigger some pretty dark internal dialogue, stuff like 'I'm hopeless. I can't even get off the couch to do some of the most basic of everyday things. Why am I so lazy and dysfunctional?'. It can go on to get pretty dark beyond this basic sort of talk. With the 'lazy' factor, it's one thing to casually laze as a form of relaxation, it's a whole other story when it involves physical/mental exhaustion. Technically, that's not lazing or lazy.

Whether the exhaustion has come about as a result of the kind of chemistry that can come with depression or whether it's a result of your challenges seriously mentally/physically exhausting you or whether there's something else at play messing with your energy levels, I believe it's something worth looking into. You could even consider doing some of your own research. Googling 'What creates human energy' offers great insight. Even if research acts as a welcomed distraction from your thoughts, it could be a form of distraction or basic relaxation worth considering.

I believe we're raised with a lack of information when it comes to self understanding. We won't feel a particular lacking until something triggers us to feel it. Whether it involves a lack of full understanding regarding how things played out in our past (impacting life now), a lack of knowledge when it comes to the mental and physical impact of shallow breathing, stress, depression, anxiety or sleep issues, a lack of a skill set in forward planning or a lack of understanding when it comes to how we tick energetically or how we tick in a state of exhaustion, there's just so much we don't know. Cue a trigger and the need to know.

I've found there are simply some things I can't move past without coming to fully understand them. A certain issue can act as a roadblock. You can't 'get over it' (like many people like to suggest, grrr) and there's no way of getting around it. With that thing we simply have to better understand, we have to gain knowledge in order to get through it successfully.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have a GP appointment tomorrow my parents booked for me although I’m not sure how to discuss how I feel at the moment as I’m very much struggling.

There’s a lot at play at the moment I feel….fear of recurring panic attacks, the inability I have to accurately describe what goes through my brain to my parents or others which makes me feel Iike I’m a burden on everyone and being dumb. Then there’s this intense feeling of regret as to what I must of done wrong with this girl for her to not want to pursue things with me anymore or to go cold on me. We still seem to talk even though she’s packing to move away from Melbourne but there’s certainly a lack of engagement now and I feel like I didn’t do enough of something to continue it.

I really lack the will to pick myself up and try again but it’s like my body wants to but my mind keeps me from doing anything at the moment. I really lack companionship. I felt like I had it and it’s just disappeared.

I feel Iike why would anyone want to be a companion of mine in the end, I’m anxious, nervous, too quiet and boring. She probably just got sick of me to be honest

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Your parents are so devoted, loving and thoughtful. The best guides in life are the kind that if unsure of how to guide us find the next best person to do so. I'm glad you've got that appointment. That's progress.

Can recall when I took my son to see the GP for a referral to a psychologist for focus related issues a year ago or so. The GP had a questionnaire which went through questions relating to depression and anxiety (a basic requirement for a referral). I think it's a standard questionnaire for mental health assessment. Perhaps this is something your GP will run through with you.

It's sometimes tough putting into words why we're there to see the doctor. When they ask 'So, what brings you here today?', it's easy to say 'I have a pain in my leg' or 'I feel physically unwell'. When it's less of a physical issue, finding the right words can be a challenge. Something as simple as 'I'm not coping well with life at the moment. I'm almost constantly stressed/anxious and really down' is a basic start. A good GP will hear that, no matter how big or small our problems appear to be to them. An ineffective GP will simply say 'Everyone goes through that at some point. You'll be right', before sending us on our way with having made no progress. A good GP will refer us to a specialist of the mind, a psychologist, whose job it is to figure out why we're unable to cope.

Daniel, one of the most significant things I've come to learn in life is that any major issue I have going on typically has its roots in my younger years. In other words, it stemmed from somewhere in my past. Whether it involves the fear of leaving my job for another or the fear of starting a life separate from my husband, why is there such a fear? Why can I not fearlessly move forward? With the foundations of self esteem being about self efficacy and self respect, I never developed these as a kid. I also inherited my parents' fears and poor self esteem. Not blaming, just acknowledging the roots.

This, for you, is a time to get to the bottom of why you see life the way you do, why you feel it the way you do, why you can't move past certain things and so on. The next stage you face may involve some serious digging, to get to the bottom of things (the roots). May also involve gathering some tools for life - tools related to self esteem, objective self analysis, self compassion, working with emotional intelligence etc.

Today is your new beginning. Wishing you only the best 🙂