Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Sophie_M]

Dear Daniel12,
 
We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time recently and especially as you feel it is your new ‘rock bottom’. We hope you know that we see you and would miss your contributions to this community, as you are a long-standing and valued member. It is good that you have started journaling again as you have said that this has helped in the past. We would encourage you to discuss this current feeling of ‘rock bottom’ with your G.P to see if they can help.
 
We just wanted to send this message to reassure you that you’re heard, and we are always here for you. If you feel you need to talk please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Daniel12]

Thank you for the support Sophie and apologies for being a drainer on this thread, I just don't know my place and I think I have no place anymore

[smallwolf]

@Daniel12,

You are certainly no drainer on this thread. It certainly sounds as though things are tough for you at the moment with not knowing your place. All one can do is take one minute at a time and get through the day. And that is enough.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Not sure what happened to my last post to you. I shan't dwell on it, instead I'll move onto 100% agreeing with smallwolf; you are in no way draining. What you believe is not what we feel or see here. While it's your belief, I don't believe it's the truth. What I believe is...you're facing what sounds like the most challenging time of your life and it's proving to be so incredibly confusing, overwhelming and deeply upsetting. As I've mentioned to you before, do not compare the challenges you face with those of another as being 'less than' or 'not as important as'. It's the emotions we face within those challenges that can be comparable or relatable. The depths of depression is the depths of depression, no matter how we got there. Anyone who has felt it can easily acknowledge the pain of he or she who faces it.

In mentioning to Sophie that you think you have no place anymore, I wonder whether you could see yourself as having no obvious place. Down the track there'll be a time where this period of your life will make complete sense. At the moment it makes little sense to you, especially when it comes to why you're suffering so much. Down the track, when there will be new people in your life, you'll look back and perhaps think 'That's why it was so hard. That's why I couldn't see where I belonged. That's why it felt impossible to move forward'. In my opinion, one of the hardest things to do in life is to move through the overwhelming challenges without the revelations that come later. Personally, I think life's lessons can be rather cruel in the way they play out. The fact the revelations come later doesn't help us in the moment when we're suffering deeply.

How do you think you'd feel if you were to gather a variety of perspectives when it comes to the challenges you face? Do you feel you'd be able to get a sense of which ones you can relate to and which ones you can't? Do you think you'd be able to get a sense of which perspectives may lead you so say 'Oh, wow, I'd never really thought about it like that', compared with the ones that may lead you to think 'That pretty much sounds like everything I've been told in the past, that made no difference'?

[Daniel12]

Thanks for your support smallwolf I appreciate it

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Thanks a lot for your continued support on here and apologies for being a scatter brain I guess. And I deeply apologise if talking to me is frustrating or like talking to a brick wall, I certainly take on board all of what you say to me truly

I feel like I’m disappointing everyone around me for feeling the way I feel and I feel like a huge burden on everyone, whether it would be my family, potential partners or even somewhere like this forum. My parents are frustrated that I can’t see what they can and I can’t relax and I’m ashamed of myself and struggle to come forward with stuff

I don’t feel “present” anywhere anymore I feel like I’m constantly walking around defeated and deflated, I can function and do daily tasks at work but I am unsatisfied not with my job but with myself and I have a constant feeling in my gut that makes me sick.

I don’t believe I belong anywhere and I really believe I offer no value to people in life and that because I can’t fight this I’m weak and pathetic.

I feel like I’m searching for an answer to a question where I don’t even know.

How could anyone ever be interested in a pathetic depressed loser like me who can’t get a grip of his own life or his own head.

I feel like I’m suffocating and I’m breaking down more and more everyday

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Don't sweat not being able to fully relate to what people say. Try seeing it in a way where it involves other people's inability to make it all relatable. My kids are absolute legends at snapping me out of an occasional downer, based on them being able to have me relate to my challenge in a whole different way. It's a serious talent 🙂

I think the people in our life can only take us so far. At some point we have to find a mentor, someone to lead us in a direction other than the one we might have been taking for years. I had this revelation this morning. While I had basically considered this in the past, I hadn't really given it full consideration. While I sat in meditation this morning, in my mind I asked the questions 'What do I need to give my son for him to be able to successfully move beyond this point in his life?' and 'What will lead him to become who he is going to be?'.

At first, what came to mind were the words 'You are a good guide for him but you can only take him so far. You need to find someone who will take him further'. Next what came to mind was an image of my brother. I thought 'Perfect'. My brother would make a perfect life mentor for my son, absolutely perfect. When I spoke to my son about this, he agreed that his uncle would be ideal. My brother is an outside the square thinker, a doer, a great leader, an inspiration, a compassionate thoughtful person, an adventurer, a risk taker (in constructive ways), a guide who will literally stand beside a person in a move that may feel fearful to them and he is so much more than this. I should add that while my husband is a basically descent human being, he really doesn't have all that much to do with his kids based on the fact that he doesn't like to feel stress or challenge. He doesn't like to go outside of his own comfort zone. When it comes to raising our kids through their challenges, emotional ones included, I've been the one to mange this. As I say, I can only take them so far, based on my nature. I believe my son also needs my brother's nature as an influence in his life now.

Can you think of anyone outstanding in your life who can take you further than where you find yourself right now? While it can feel fearful going beyond who we imagine our self to be, going beyond can turn out to be the best move we ever make, leading us out of feeling no difference or no sense of direction. Do you think what you need is a significant change and someone to help you through that?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly, I just want to say everything you have told me over this time chatting has been extremely relatable and helpful and very many of your posts have done wonders in calming me down and I am so very grateful for your continued advice and support. I am just disappointed I have been difficult and draining to talk with.

Im not sure who I could turn to in regards to a mentor in my life. My father is a massive support and will do absolutely anything for me and often his lessons ring true but I have this burden I carry of letting him down so I try my best not to become vulnerable around my parents. Eventually I break down and they always say to talk to them which I understand but they are frustrated for me and I can see it and it hurts me to be the cause of frustration.

I’m just really struggling with day to day life at the moment, I’m having panic attacks weekly, I sit at work with a pit in my stomach feeling like absolute rubbish and just sad.

It may seem like I feel sorry for myself and maybe it’s an element of that but to be honest the thoughts that run through my head are like “why am I so sad all the bloody time” or “why don’t I feel like myself ever or calm”.

My self conscious is going through the roof as I feel people can see straight through me and how I feel and I’m terrified of going out in public and I’d rather just disappear at the moment.

All I really want is just a companion, like that girl I mentioned a while ago where it probably wasn’t a situation where it would work due to cultural reasons and differences being too big but it was just the companionship I enjoyed. Maybe it was selfish of me but I just miss the companionship after she’s moved after for work which was ultimately the final nail in the coffin.
I guess I’m ashamed of myself as well because people move on from this stuff all the time and I really struggle.

I know there’s plenty of other people out there but I feel myself just giving up more each day, I just want to not feel this loneliness and try enjoy my life.

I lie in bed and most nights cry because of how I feel and how I’m struggling to find answers to what I’m going through. I can’t even articulate that the exact reasoning and that gets me more and more anxious when I try to.

Then I’m in constant fear of panic attacks coming

I just don’t belong anywhere, what’s the point of life when it’s like this

im not good enough as a person to give value to anyone or anything or even just to get through this myself

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's really tricky when our logical thoughts face interference from our chemistry or nervous system or fear based thinking. I suppose an extreme example would involve parachuting out of an plane. As adrenaline begins to build and basic logic tells us the parachute will stop us from hitting the ground full force, we can feel our nervous system ramp up into 'fight or flight' mode. The thoughts that come next will determine our overall experience. If they're 'This is going to be absolutely incredible' then the experience will be one of pure adrenaline. If our thoughts go more like 'What if I haven't packed my chute properly' or 'What if I pull the chord too late' our chemistry and nervous system are going to go into hyper drive, based on fear. Going tandem in this case might suit us better as a first time jumper. It's a compromise.

Personally, there are some things I can do fearlessly, whereas there are other things that lead me to feel incredible anxiety and I need someone to help me through.

I think there are some things we can't do on our own at times. Whether we go tandum, like on a double date or whether we have someone we trust who can teach us how to calm our self down while they talk us through what's stressful, having a plan that involves a 'co-worker' in a situation can be a good plan. I like to think of that co-worker situation as doing something stressful with 'training wheels'. They're supporting us or training us to be fearless before we feel confident enough to do that stressful thing independently.

Managing anxiety and/or incredible sadness from a chemical angle is a different kettle of fish. While it can take months or even years of hard work to to tweak the kind of thinking or internal dialogue that interacts with our chemistry and nervous system, chemical intervention in the form of anti anxiety meds or anti depressants can change how we're feeling a highly stressful or naturally saddening experience. This can be about managing our chemistry while learning how to progress beyond fear and sadness.

If he has the ability to talk you through what's stressful, could be your dad who's your mentor for now. He sounds so devoted to you. If you were to pick 3 things he can achieve that you find stressful, see if he can talk you through achieving those things successfully, with his guidance. Every fearful exercise is an exercise in building self esteem. From 'I once feared that' to 'I can achieve that now' redefines us as 'An achiever'.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I have realised in the last two days that I am facing the biggest challenge of my life right now and it cannot be ignored.
Today I cried probably more times in one day than I have in the past 1/2 years and I feel at absolute rock bottom as a person and I feel I am a shell of myself. My emotions and thoughts have truly taken over me completely and my life is thoroughly unenjoyable and has been for the last several months in particular.

In many discussions today with my parents, they have said that they have not seen the real “Daniel” for quite some time now and they can see me sitting there in “auto-pilot” letting my life pass by day by day.

I am so ashamed of myself and the disappointment I am causing everyone around me who think “this guy has it all going for him but he can’t relax and live in the moment”.
I am disgusted in myself for not being able to live in the moment and enjoy things without being taken over by anxiety, panic attacks and thought.

A lady I spoke to on the phone recently mentioned the term “existential crisis” and in explaining it I can see its very similar to how I feel. Life is lacking meaning, self esteem is at an all time low and I’ve actually forgotten how to enjoy things I used to or even just live normally.

I am so lonely and just want a companion where I feel they understand me for who I am and not have to live up to this image that people would have of me given my career, family and given I present myself well in terms of dress, conduct and things like the car I bought etc. People have an image of me and in reality it’s so far from reality it’s not funny, I actually feel like I’m screwed up.

I don’t and have never felt like I had a place in life where I fit in, when I was younger I’d take solace and enjoyment out of small things I’d do by myself…whilst I try to do these things still (ie exercise, kick the footy at the park etc) it’s become thoroughly unejoyable.
For example, I used to enjoy getting outside having a few shots at goal with the footy at the park with or without company but now if I try do this to get some positive feelings back after 5mins I don’t want to be there anymore.

Another example is watching a movie, the movie watches me to be honest, I’m just in the room on auto pilot. At work I’m on auto pilot.

What value do I bring to life and to other people in life…nothing at all, I feel I should have all the confidence i need but instead I feel Im a weak guy.