Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I understand everything that you mention and it is very helpful once again, you always seem to be able to calm me down when I read your advice so I am very thankful to you and apologise for any frustrations with what may seem like aimless circles I go in.

I think I feel a great deal of pressure to make the right choice in terms of a relationship or partner that I feel like I might not even be actually in fact ready to dive into one because I am very scared of making the wrong choices. Each sort of dating experience seems to be uncovering more insecurities that I have within myself and I feel like how can I commit to someone if I can't even be fully at ease with myself. On the other hand I am plagued by thoughts that I have to keep pushing and find someone because otherwise I am seen to be a hypocrite by saying I want to find a partner for long term but don't want anything serious with someone right now.

I felt like I had some sort of zest for life coming back a few months ago but I feel like it's been a gradual decline since and I am now at a point where I feel I have no effort left in myself to do much of anything. I feel like I am sort of aimlessly living at the moment, no real idea of where I am going or what I am doing other than just getting by in a sense. I work, go to the gym, sleep, maybe go on the odd date with no real sense of hope and that's about it. I feel no sort of fulfilment at all at the moment.

I am hoping starting my coaching role at soccer will help that but it's sort of depressing me as well because I would still love to play but given my head injury last year the risk won't allow it. I find myself struggling to come to grips with it because it has been a part of my life since I was 3/4 years old and whilst yes coaching is still being part of it, it is not the same feeling.

Now for example I don't really look forward to the weekends because I really don't have an interesting life, there's nothing I really do outside of work now. I know there's many things I can find but it's depressing me that I can't or haven't been able to really find anything. I think this contributes to my desire to find a partner and the pressure I place on myself as I think "if only I had someone I would have something to do" but I realise I don't want someone just because I am bored.

I am struggling to find a clear path forward even just in the short term to get me back enjoying life again

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think a lot of professional coaches would be able to relate to how you're feeling when it comes to not being able to play soccer. Looking at AFL, for example, the ex players who can no longer play due to injury can go through a depression period before deciding they'll pass on and inspire others through their experience and their skills. For some, the depression period can be about 'If I'm no longer a player then who am I? What value do I have in this league?'. Eventually they find their true value in coaching. The best coaches are the ones who have experienced the game and its challenges for themselves. They can relate to those they're coaching. They re-identify themselves through coaching, instead of saying 'I'm a player who can't play'.

I've found, with a new stage of life a stack of stuff will come to the surface and it's not pretty. It has to come up, it has to be addressed before we can let go of it, so as to form a new belief through finding the truth. This can be a torturous period. Kind of like a period where its 'Okay, here's all the poop you haven't fully dealt with in the past. Deal with it or stay stuck and depressed'. The path of self exploration can begin with the simplest of thoughts. For example, you can find someone in a relationship who is depressed. They ask 'Why am I so depressed?'. What may come to mind is 'My partner doesn't really care about me'. Then the thoughts and questions begin to build momentum. 'No one cares about me. Why does no one care about me? Am I not worth caring about?'. They may reflect on a life where no one appeared to care about them. The next question they may ask is 'Why has no one ever cared about me in ways I have always longed for?'. This type of questioning can go on for days, weeks or months and sometimes even years. Therapists are kind of like fast trackers through this kind of process. A conclusion, the truth, through such depressing questioning is finally reached, 'The whole of my life, I have been surrounded by self serving people who never had an interest in caring about others. It's never been about me and what I'm worth. My true value is never reflected by selfish people'. Finally, they're free to believe a new belief, 'I remain valuable no matter who surrounds me'. Remember, this liberation began with a simple thought, 'Why am I so depressed?'. Through such a basic or base question, a lifetime of depressing neglect has been explored and exposed. This is a very painful process for some.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I’ve been thinking maybe because I wasn’t able to recognise this stuff when I was younger and I think in my early 20s I just suppressed it back I sort of feel like I’m “catching up” in a sense whereas I feel like I should have it figured out already.

Everyone’s pushing me to get into a relationship with someone I don’t really feel like there’s interest there from the other persons end and given how uncomfortable I feel in myself I don’t even feel like I’m feeling like I should go into anything. I struggle to deal with pressure also.

I was wondering what you think based upon my posts in this thread do you think I am hypocritical when I say I want a long term partner and then even when someone’s put forward for me I don’t feel it or I don’t feel like I’m comfortable to do it. I feel like I’m being a hypocrite in a way?

Also, based on my posts I would respect your opinion on how I seem to be coming across or what type of problem you think I’m having. I apologise for repeating over a lot of stuff over and over I know I have that habit I just find it hard to manage everything and I don’t really know what’s going on anymore or a way forward.

I very much respect your opinion and you have been a massive support and your words have helped a great deal that is why I ask. So I guess I was seeking some advice on what you would try do day to day in your opinion.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

In no way do I find you hypocritical. Another way of looking at it: 'I fully believe all I want to experience right now is a relationship with another person'. So, you could say, the universe grants your wish and there they are, that other person. Now that you have the advantage of seeing both sides, a single life and life with a partner, what you perhaps really want becomes much clearer. That original belief, all you want is a relationship with another person, changes to a new belief, 'All I want in life right now is a better relationship with myself'. Our beliefs change based on our circumstances.

One of my long held beliefs in life was 'I wish to be loved by someone who can fully love me in the most amazing ways'. This belief no longer exists. It dwindled out over time as I developed a new belief, one that gives me much greater joy and vision, 'I wish to love myself fully in the most amazing ways'. It's taken years for this wish to be granted, fully come to life. The only way it was possible was through the hard work involved in letting go of a lot of poop from the past that stopped me from coming to love myself. I should add, there are the occasional days where I do forget how to love myself to life, really feel that connection to life and have life love me back.

I smile when I say that there's nothing like going around in circles to get in the way of moving forward. Going around in circles could be compared to 'circling the answer or solution'. The more you circle, the closer you gradually come to it. While the ultimate goal is to question our way closer to the answer before we finally land upon it, sometimes it simply doesn't feel like we're making any progress.

I also smile when I say if I had to pick what I would see as 'a problem', the problem is perhaps you not realising and/or believing in how truly amazing you are. I can see so clearly how amazing you are, I really can. Many times you've amazed me when describing (in a number of ways) the beautiful, highly sensitive, compassionate, open minded/wonderful caring nature you have. This is the basis of who you are. What an incredible base to work from 🙂 Let's pick one of those - highly sensitive. With your ability to sense so easily all the pressure people are putting on you, you could push yourself to insist on them taking the pressure off. Developing your assertive sense of self could be the challenge here. You could do this either in a lighthearted joking manner or seriously.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you for such kind words it really means a lot although I feel like I may come across as having completely no idea how to act or what direction to take and I feel like whilst I say I want a partner yet feel uncomfortable in myself people around will judge me saying"what more does he want" when presented with a particular opportunity dating wise. Again makes no sense haha

I like the way you have framed it as 'all I want in life right now is a better relationship with myself' which I think is true. It is also I feel like in a way because I don't feel comfortable in myself I feel like I am doing a disservice to anyone I date as how can I navigate dating someone when I can't even understand myself.

I think what is also impacting me feeling depressed about things as well is that I really really struggle with the fact that I may be judged by others who have vested interests in whether something works with a certain girl or not (ie friend who set me up or family who know about it) and therefore I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders to make this work otherwise I am seen as a hypocrite or making a huge mistake. I try to trust my gut instinct but because my gut instinct always tells me it's not right I feel like I might be self sabotaging or is this just lack of experience?

I am clear that long term I would like the right partner to build a life and family with I just feel exhausted with the effort I seem to have to go through with dating every time it's a new girl. I understand I need to put in effort as a male its just the way it is but I am sort of at a limit now where I want a break and it's coincided with a friend trying to set me up and I feel it's all bad timing and too much pressure but I feel obligated to make this work.

I am struggling to sleep, I can't think clearly about life in general and I feel overall dissatisfied with life and I can't even properly express it, sorry for another aimless ramble!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

There are many different ways in which we can come to know our self better

• Basic self inquiry, such as 'Who am I really and what are some of the things I can see myself doing in the future that go toward helping me identify or re-identify myself?
• Research, such as with how we tick on mental, physical and natural levels
• Self development courses
• Discovering our relationship with our self through a relationship with another person

Just a handful of the many ways.

With that last one, our relationship with another can show to us who we are in a variety of ways. Sometimes this can explain why relationships can be so challenging. A relationship can challenge us to be more patient, more open minded, more adventurous, more compassionate etc. If it's pushing us to develop such things within our self, this can show us that we may be someone in need of developing these things to begin with.

It can work the other way too. If the person we share a relationship with is a serious drinker and this triggers us, this can simply be showing us that we are someone who doesn't rely on alcohol to get through life. If they are someone who thrives on degrading others and this triggers us, their nature reveals to us how deeply compassionate we actually are. If they're openly racist and this triggers us, this shows us how we live a life without defining people through their appearance, background or culture. Should add, it's not healthy to stay in a highly triggering relationship.

All relationships will show us how we relate to our self. They can show us what parts of us we need to channel more and what parts we may need to work on mastering, reigning in. I've come to find pretty much every aspect of human nature has an opposing nature, which involves a spectrum. At one end we have 'the people pleaser', whereas at the other end of the spectrum there is 'the self server'. Care for others and care for our self is somewhere in the middle. At one end there is the highly tolerant self, at the other end there is the completely intolerant self. Somewhere in the middle provides a balanced perspective. As mentioned before, there is 'the pure analyst/thinker' and the 'pure feeler' at the extremes. The list goes on.

Over the years, my marriage has really challenged/pushed me to discover who I am and who I'm not. I suppose the question comes down to 'Do you wish to discover more about yourself through a relationship or through time to yourself or perhaps a bit of both?'.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for the great insight again I really appreciate given how I am feeling at the moment, it really is comforting to have someone to provide advice outside of my 4 walls, you are truly a great person for being so patient!

I think in recent times I have started to realise what you mention about discovering more about yourself within a relationship but I anxiety and pressure I feel is overtaking the process, maybe it might be lack of life experience with this stuff.

I am not sure what your thoughts would be on what I am about to described but basically I believe I have the hallmarks to make a good "partner" for someone but I I feel like I have "thought" I know what I want/like in a potential partner but I feel like at the moment I have no idea what I am looking because someone nice comes along and I find that I am easy to get along with in general but then I just don't seem to feel it. I am started to think there's a problem with me that I just can't seem to really click with anyone properly and then like I said previously I feel like I'm a hypocrite.

In addition to this, I am not sure if you have ever been able to relate to this feeling or what your take on it is but I feel like in this cases where the person is a nice person and I get along with them well I feel pressure that it has to work or I have to make it work for those reasons otherwise what am I doing with myself and I shouldn't feel the way I feel.

For example, someone I recently dated for a bit, we got along great, nice girl and I genuinely have no issue with her as a person but I felt throughout the whole time age difference and more so the fact that I just know I wouldn't fit in with her friends/family long term as they are completely different to me, that was just how I felt but I felt shocking and like I was a terrible human being for persisting to see her and see if I can breakthrough based on the fact I liked her as a person and we got along despite those thoughts. Maybe I am naive to how relationships work, my psych said if you see someone for 6months and it doesn't work for reasons you say sure they may be disappointment and upset on her end and my end but I'm not a bad person for trying to make it work or at least enjoying it while I can. But I really don't want be a bad person or really upset someone but it puts pressure on myself.

Am I just putting too much responsibility on my shoulders and not letting myself the freedom to choose for myself.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think you could be absolutely spot on about the life experience aspect with relationships. Many of my relationships were unhealthy ones and I think that's the case because, besides low self esteem being a contributing factor, no one really ever defined for me what a healthy relationship was or is. I never had a great example through my parents, as they never got along terribly well - very distant, with my mum more often than not spending time simply trying not to upset my dad too much and my dad spending a lot of the time shutting down any challenge to evolve the marriage beyond what suited him. In relationships, I played my mum's role as 'people pleaser', whereas the guys I went out with had the relationship they way they wanted it (simple, with what made them happy, no stress). Daniel, this is the first time in my life I've ever come to fully realise this in it's rawness and entirety and it's quite shocking and sad in a way. Our chats are often reveling in a variety of ways and I'm always grateful to you for leading me to explore life at a deeper level. Btw, I never blame my parents for the way they shaped me, I simply try to understand the influence they had in my life. How can we entirely blame people who, themselves, were misguided by circumstances and generational influences that came before them.

Perhaps the healthiest of relationships are those where a couple work out the 'glitches' together. They work out the influences of their parents, social pressures, limiting beliefs. They also work out the needs they feel together, such as the need for adventure or the need for 'me' or independent time and so much more. They talk their way through thoughtfully, carefully, considerately, compassionately and passionately. They share their thoughts, their concerns, their joys, their sorrows, their dreams, their visions, their inspiration and more and they feel all these things together. They feel their way through life together. No one says 'I don't want to hear it', because it doesn't suit them. No one says 'You're being ridiculous' when ridicule is far from what's most desired in the moment. And when it comes to being able to reason, inspiring each other to be reason able inspires communication and growth.

I think a healthy relationship should inspire us to be fearless so that we never have to fear not knowing who we are. Instead, we should feel inspired to find out, with the person who inspires us the most, our partner.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I hope our chats provide some form of benefit and not provide any sad emiotns at all! You’ve lead me to explore a lot of things I never would have thought about which I am very grateful for.

I think looking at it I have a variety of different examples in my life that maybe shape what I feel I may suit or not suit in a relationship. My parents relationship is probably an example I have of what it would take to make it successful which I am very grateful for but there is an element of pressure that comes with that as it’s very traditional to my culture and it’s almost an expectation but I feel even with my culture modern times change this from being a realistic possibility when my parents were my age to probably less likely nowadays, in my experience anyway.

I feel the psychologist maybe right when she says that I am naive to certain aspects of a relationship or dating, not in a negative way but purely through lack of experience and also lack of self esteem as well. She mentioned for example with the girl I mentioned previously where I felt we got along great and I did very much like her for who she is, the pysch mentioned that maybe due to pressure, fear of upsetting someone else or lack of self esteem I mistakenly think that I should therefore just settle for it and continue. I think I am very fearful when I date someone of upsetting there feelings and I don’t want to be seen as a bad person so I try in spite of how I feel.

She mentioned I have to accept that if I date someone even for 6months to 2yrs and it doesn’t feel right I am allowed to walk away if I feel right but it’s the manner in which I do so, if it’s as tactful as possible then I shouldn’t destroy myself and beat myself up. Also because the same thing can happen to me.

I do have fears that I’ll make a mistake in the choice for my life partner but I’m trying my best, I’m just not sure how to prioritise my own feelings without coming across as selfish or a womaniser or something like that

[therising]

Hi Daniel

In hindsight, based on what I know now, if someone had asked me from the very beginning 'If you had a choice between finding the ideal relationship and finding healthy levels of self esteem, which would you choose first?', my response would involve self esteem.

Healthy self esteem shapes you, it shapes your perspective on everything. It's like a filter of clarity. It reduces and/or eliminates self doubt. It determines which relationships are constructive and which are destructive. It determines whether we're an upstander in life or a bystander, whether we are proud of who we are or ashamed, whether we move forward with courage or stand still in fear. It goes toward so much. I wish I had healthy levels of self esteem when I was younger, life would have looked very different. I am not one to look back in regret these days, more so one to look back in search of greater understanding of what brought me to where I am.

I think healthy self esteem can be learned or developed the easy way or the hard way. The easy way may involve reforming perception through consciously practicing different forms of self respect and self efficacy. The hard way can involve facing the more challenging emotions while questioning them at the same time. The latter is definitely the harder path to take. It can be a deeply challenging path, a sad path, a depressing one, an angering one and so confusing as well. I've found the tougher emotions, while being incredibly confronting, can push us intensely to discover what lays beyond them.

I suppose an example of such challenging emotions can involve reflecting on years of school based harassment or bullying. While such behaviour from bullies can be deeply saddening or depressing, this factor can lead to the questions 'Why was it not angering, instead? Why was it not infuriating?'. Moving from sadness to anger can be constructive, even though both can be seen as 'negative' emotions. While sadness tells us something is wrong, anger tells us it's simply intolerable and we shouldn't have to tolerate it. Anger dictates 'I deserved better than that. How dare they!'. Once the initial anger has dissipated, healthy levels of self esteem have manifested, as a result of anger. The darkest and most triggering of emotions can sometimes prove to be the most constructive. They trigger change.

I think healthy levels of self esteem can lead us to see when a relationship has run it's course. Confidently and compassionately, we manage ending it.