Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you’re doing well,

I don’t think I have healthy self esteem at all if I’m honest about it. I’m uncertain of every move I’m making or choice I make and I feel depressed most days.

I turn 26 on Sunday, whilst that’s still young I feel depressed because I feel like at this age I should feel as depressed or lost as to what I am supposed to do with my future. I look further ahead and I think what do I really have to look forward to, people around me have partners and getting houses and things like that.

Then I look at me, turning 26…I have absolutely no idea what I want from dating or a relationship or how I’m supposed to know who is right or when it’s right. I feel like a hypocrite because I say I want a partner but I don’t seem to really want a relationship when someone nice comes along. Then I look at other stuff and I am like million miles off buying a house for example.

I just feel like I’m standing still whereas everyone else is moving forward. I don’t feel like myself when I date someone even when they are a nice person. Then if they are nice I feel obligated to make it work because then it’ll be hypocritical.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing at the moment, my life is just like ticking over I’m not enjoying anything and I feel like restless, uneasy, unpredictable and uncomfortable and stressed everyday and I feel bad for dating someone under those circumstances but I don’t know how to express how I feel.

sorry for the rambling

[smallwolf]

hello Daniel12,

i just wanted to pick up on a comment you made about people moving ahead and you don't think you are. You had also mentioned relationships and houses.

There are people I know in say mid 30s and still single. There are people older than you living with parents. Why? In one case the prices of housing in the city I live is out of reach.

How much of your thoughts are based on society and expectations?

Lastly, my dad is a very intelligent person but was not able to say how he felt. For example, ask him how he was (regardless of thoughts or feelings) and he would say anxious. There is a thing called a feelings wheel that I downloaded and showed to mum and that helped. Being able to express yourself feelings wise is not something that is taught in school. Perhaps what you see in social media or movies in an exaggeration of the truth.

This is a difficult time in which to live.

You could make set out some goals to get from where you are to where you want to be.

Which brings me to the last question re where you want to be?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can relate to what smallwolf's saying. Different people experience different things at different stages of life for a variety of different reasons. To compare, in general, doesn't take circumstances into account. While to generalise might offer a bit of a guideline, that's all it is, a guideline. I know people who are a bit all over the place and they'd much rather be this way than following society's general sense of life order. Perhaps you're finding many of the people around you are living a fairly ordered life. That's not at all a bad thing but it only shows you what's typical as opposed to unusual or unique. You never know, perhaps you are destined for a life outside the square and you just don't realise it yet.

It can be so hard trying to find the life we want when we don't exactly know what we're looking for. Suddenly, at some point, things can begin to fall into place and then we may find our self saying 'No wonder I was unhappy, unsettled in myself, if this is what I'd been searching for all this time. I was unhappy because I never had it until now'. I know, looking at it from this perspective doesn't make the search any easier.

Perhaps the girl you're looking for will show up in your life and leave you with no doubt about her or yourself. She may be someone you instantly adore and who adores you right back. You'll just click in the most amazing way. If you haven't experienced this yet, it means it's yet to come. Being a sensitive guy, I imagine you'll be able to sense the 2 of you clicking quite easily. Until then, the search continues 🙂

As smallwolf suggests, perhaps some new goals are in order. The only way to find out who you truly are is through pushing yourself to go beyond your preconceived ideas. Perhaps it's time to begin seriously exercising your imagination. Start small, maybe with your environment. What do you want your room to look like, for example? Do you find it brings you down a little or maybe it's a little too neutral? If so, what do you imagine a more exciting space would look like? Time for some paint and a brush and a few new decorations? Sometimes a change of environment triggers something in us.

Btw, I was a little all over the shop in my mid to late 20s. This was the stage of life where I questioned myself intensely. It's a seriously tough age. Around 26 we face the completion of the final stage of brain development. It's said that the last part of the brain to develop is related to long term planning 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi smallwolf

I appreciate your advice a lot and you raise some valid points. I think a large part of it is pressure from outside/society expectations that I need to have everything figured out. I think everyone close to me has some steady path or sort of has this stuff in order so it just constantly makes me feel like I am well behind where I am supposed to be.

In regards to where I want to be, longer term I know I want a partner and build a family and just have a stable enough career that I can live comfortably enough that I don't have to slave away at the office and miss time with family and friends.

The short term, I have no idea what I am doing to be honest.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

The thing that makes this very hard, and sorry if I am exaggerating because it's probably not that bad in reality, is that people would look at me from the outside and they say....healthy guy, good family, good career and yet despite all that I feel I have absolutely no idea what direction I am heading in at the moment or what's around the corner. Like I said below long term I feel I know what I want but at the moment I feel like a hypocrite because then I say in the short term I have no effort to really pursue a partner and stuff like that because I am exhausted and not enjoying my life.

Maybe it's the engineer in me that thinks too like rigidly/analytically that there must be some set out path but how the hell am I suppose to find that something that will flick the switch for me. That's what's making me not really want to pursue people that may be put in front of me either because I don't want to rely on finding a partner to flick the switch for my life because I believe that is a bad way to go about it if I am not comfortable in myself for a start. Like my friends friend that he and his girlfriend want me to pursue, nice girl and nothing at all wrong with her but I don't feel like I am in the right frame of mind to pursue it properly or like I even want to and I feel like a hypocrite and bad person.

Do I need to pursue something like that or do I just need a timeout to myself. If I take a timeout to myself my family think I am not trying to meet someone and that I am wasting my time and I get compared to everyone else around me.

In terms of small goals, I have thought about it but they seem like they are too simple or childish. I am trying to workout how to get enjoyment back into my life because outside of work I actually do absolutely nothing. I have just started the transition into coaching from playing soccer and it is a challenge given my age and the age of the players I am coaching. Then as I stopped playing soccer I have tried to take up golf which whilst playing soccer was a casual hobby with my sisters partner. But like I think about it and tomorrow I am 26 and I think like my goals and stuff like that need to be better than that and why don't I have things clear.

I felt a bit like this last year around the time of my birthday also but this year despite thinking I made progress over the last 6 months, I really haven't at all and I am ashamed of myself

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Today is the first day of your own personal new Year. Here's to you and your efforts to discover who you are in this new year and beyond 🙂

I bet you'd be surprised by how much you had it all together in the first few years of your life. In those years you taught yourself how to walk, you began learning and practicing your first structured language, you most likely didn't identify yourself in any significant way (you simply lived, without age, gender, race, religion and social status defining you in any way). I imagine you were wonder filled, craving adventure/an exciting connection to life. Do you ever wonder what happened to who you used to be?

I recall when first coming out of depression being ecstatically happy. Actually, that's an understatement. Looking back, I was so doped up on natural 'happiness' chemistry that I was almost off the planet. Then things began to take a dark turn. I could feel myself coming down again after some months. I thought 'No, this is not fair. Why is this happening again?'. It was then that I began to question pretty much everything. At some point I met a guy (which I think I've mentioned) who helped set me back on my path. In so many words he said to me 'You're being challenged to remain true to yourself'. He was right. At just about every turn the challenge is there. Sometimes it's enormous, sometimes it's so small you barely recognise it as a challenge. One of the enormous ones involves pretty much everyone around you telling you what you should be doing and who you should be. The more people who tell you, the greater the self doubt becomes. The volume of people turns up the volume on the inner dialogue. So, if being true to yourself involves you deciding to commit to growing the relationship you have with yourself, the challenge may involve you insisting, to others, something along the lines of 'Over the next year I'm going to focus more on myself, rather than focusing on finding the girl for me'. If 'Miss Right' happens to come along during that time, so be it. The most important part of any plan is flexibility.

If you could pick one of the many aspects of self you'd like to consciously bring to life, which would it be? Which would you start with, today in your new year? Could it be 'The pioneer' of uncharted territory? The pioneer in me tends to dictate 'I have no idea, at all, where I'm going but I do know I can manage the terrain as I go along'. Rarely is there a challenge in covering familiar territory.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you for your kind words and also all the support you have offered me which you have never had to, I am extremely grateful to have a friend that offers support like you have truly! I really hope that this time next year I have things sorted out in my mind and I don't feel like this anymore or I at least have some form of direction as to my life outside of work.

If I think about the question you ask about what aspect I want to cultivate through this year it's probably just learning to relax and enjoy my life without being in fear and trepidation of every decision I make and finally being comfortable that things will eventually fall in place as long as I stay true to myself whoever that is. I know I want a partner long term and I want to find miss right but short term I might need a timeout to just become better with my own self esteem. It's disappointing I still feel that way as I thought approaching this year at the end of last year I thought I would of been ready for it but I am not, maybe I just haven't clicked yet with someone but sometimes I ask myself what more do I want when I meet a nice girl and I still don't feel right.

How I start the process of becoming more relaxed and comfortable with my daily life and get rid of pressure from society or other people that make me feel like I need to act a certain way or do certain things by a certain age. I think I am always going to have that element of pressure like "the clock is ticking" with finding a partner just from ow I have been raised in my culture and the people around me all doing this, whether is this illogical I am not sure. But I hope I can find a way of managing it better.

This may be a dumb question but from what we have spoken about what do you think I have to do in order to sort of get to where I want to be or be in a more relaxed state or what do you believe to be the thing that, from an outside perspective, is holding me back from finding someone or being comfortable in myself. Also, does it look bad that I am now 26 and still have not had a girlfriend?

Sorry for silly questions I just value your thoughts

[smallwolf]

I have a friend who wanted to work til was 50 and then retire. Me, I prefer to work til much older and at own pace. Two people and two different paths. A third person gets married few years after me - my younger brother. My kids are out of school and I am 51. He will be much older when his kids finish school. My point is that we all have our own journey.

If I have a question for you... Are you comfortable with how things are at the moment for you?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

While we may not have obviously changed in any way that stands out, there comes a time where we do recognise our efforts as outstanding. I believe there will be a time when you'll look back and say 'I never saw the changes happening'. The steps can be so subtle.

That's good you can recognise what parts of yourself you wish to cultivate. Relaxation and release from other people's expectations can be 2 of the greatest challenges in life.

One question that's come to serve me well in recent times, when I'm struggling with something, is 'Was I ever taught how to manage this?'. Personally, my biggest problem at the moment is self discipline. Was I ever taught serious skills in self discipline? No. No wonder I'm struggling. We have to be kind to our self at times, based on the fact we're trying to manage without a lot of key skills. These days, we have access to skill development at our fingertips - the internet. While we might find 100 different ways to relax or 100 different ways to discipline our self, only the tips we can relate to will work. Out of 100 ways, we might only find 1 that works. In what can feel like a disheartening search, the challenge is to not lose heart 🙂 There's nothing wrong with us if 99 ways don't work. We simply just can't relate to them. Not everything's relatable.

Regarding stress and anxiety, a fascinating research area involves the vagus nerve, something I've been looking into myself lately. It really is an incredible part of the human body, responsible for so much. Finding natural ways to stimulate the vagus nerve can help with a variety of conditions, anxiety included. Whether we want to calm things down or hype things up, this nerve is seriously amazing.

I've found 'I'm dis-appointing myself from this role others have given to me' can be a helpful mantra. Disappointment can actually be highly constructive. When you're in charge of the disappointment process, this can be a liberating experience. 'I no longer appoint myself this role' or 'I no longer accept this appointment others have given me' means we can let go of it. Part 2 of the disappointment process involves appointing our self a new role. I've found it pays to put a different spin on 'disappointment'.

'I've never found anyone attractive enough (in a variety of ways) for me to seriously pursue' may help explain part of the dating and age thing. Some folk are only attracted to someone of a different cultural background and end up finding their match overseas.

[Daniel12]

Hi smallwolf

I understand what you mean and I try to remind myself of that, I guess at the moment the only real area I feel comfortable in is my career but whilst that's important I don't feel comfortable being unsatisfied with other areas of my life