Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Excellent when it comes to sensing some progress at the party. Practice, practice, practice. Some stress may come with practicing on certain occasions but that's natural, to feel certain elements of the challenge you're in. If you were an insensitive guy you would be able to sense such elements so strongly, if that makes sense.

With the dating side of things, I can just hear the powers that be saying 'First thing's first Daniel, let's work on your social skills before we take it to the next level. That way, you'll be well prepared (skillful) when it comes to meeting your future partner's friends and family. It'll be much easier for you by then'. You never know, maybe that's how things are playing out. Perhaps the more you practice socialising more consciously, like you did last night, the more females you may naturally begin to attract. Will be interesting to see. I can just hear it, people saying 'How does that Daniel guy mange to pull all the women?' and someone responds with 'I think it's because he's the silent type that has a natural vibe/charm about him while oozing a subtle confidence and the girls just love it'. Do you like that? 🙂 Practice may be exactly what you need. Again, you just never know, maybe you'll get to the point where you've practiced so much, it all becomes perfectly natural.

Again, excellent. I hope you're feeling your own excellence. I hope you feel yourself excelling beyond your perceived limitations, even if it's a little at first 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Usually what would happen is halfway through the night I’d begin to question myself for not being as loud as others and feel like I’m judged, last night whilst I was not the life of the party (this role does not suit me anyway) I felt sort of calm that being the more silent type is fine and as a result I wouldn’t say I felt as on edge as I usually do.


For example, last night I only knew 2 people at this event well and a few others I have met before but in my mind I had the idea they probably think I’m weird or shy because on first meeting when I don’t know someone I’m not in your face. I was surprised by their reaction when I said hello and as the night went on I spoke to these people more and I sort of realised maybe I underestimate myself and maybe the impression I leave is just that I’m a down to earth person and I don’t leave a bad impression or weird impression. Started me thinking whilst I’m not the big out there character maybe there is nothing wrong with that and I don’t need to feel this pressure to be that just to attract someone.

I think with regards to the dating the point you make is very valid. It can be hard not to feel hopeless about it just because the way I believe I am isn’t conducive to like meeting women spontaneously because I am more in the background. I do hope though that naturally this may happen with the right person because I’m the way I am and not in spite of it.


My dad raised a similar point about this to me recently mentioning that all the “failures” for lack of a better term I have experienced with dating and difficult social experiences is like I am doing a “pre-season” (my dad likes analogies haha) for when I meet the right person or right people. Also my sisters fiancé raised a good point and said given the way I am probably the girl I am looking for is similar and that type of girl would be harder to find the same way I may be harder to find if that makes sense.


I guess the struggles I have with it at the moment is I’m not sure how to stop the disheartening feelings I get about being alone or helplessness to find someone and where. And also I’m not sure how to manage the uncomfortable feeling I get when I have no “potentials” on the go and I am not speaking to anyone, this should be fine but I feel bad about it.
Not sure if you understand what I mean at all by that and how you managed if so.


Thanks again


Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I was thinking along the same lines as your sister's finance, how your partner to be may be similar to you. Maybe there have been these types at social events you've been to but maybe you haven't noticed them 1) because they don't stand out amongst all the super confident social butterflies and/or 2) focusing on yourself and how you're fitting in has been a distraction from them. It's interesting how our internal perception can alter how we observe what's going on around us. What I mean is - you can be in a down mood and perhaps notice how horrible the world can be at times, kinda because your brain's looking for proof of all the horrible things that bring us down in life. You shift to an up mood and all of a sudden you begin to notice all these amazing coincidences and things that prove the world is an amazing place. While looking for proof of your own 'weirdness' at past social occasions, maybe you noticed a girl staring at you, leading you to believe she was judging you as 'weird' when, in fact, she was judging how she could possibly approach you, wishing she could.

Seeing no potential partner in the foreground or even on the horizon would definitely feel disheartening. Do you think if you develop confidence in who you naturally are, accepting yourself as someone who gradually opens up to reveal their magic (a great sense of humor included), this will enable you to get out more? Like with the all sports gatherings, how would you consider taking this newly accepted version of yourself for a test drive under such conditions? Would you take a mate with you for such a test run, perhaps for the first few meetings? Someone to help you ease into such a setting. Perhaps you're someone who works well with a 'wing man'. My daughter's a bit like this. She appears as a natural social butterfly but can't easily achieve going out, to be this person, without her best friend. They're actually an interesting pair. While my daughter is this fair haired fair skinned blue eyed petite little thing who dresses quite feminine, her friend dresses in Goth like fashion and is outstanding in her appearance. They appear as the complete opposite but they're like 2 sides of one person. While they're not an intimate couple, they still refer to each other as 'My other half'. It causes my daughter significant anxiety to go out without her other half, the half that is not shy. She does mange on occasion but feels seriously tested under the circumstances.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you may be right on both fronts with finding someone similar to me. Even online, I have met some nice people no doubt and I always try to give people a chance but a lot of the time there’s fundamental differences in character so I don’t even think online is as good an option. I happened to fluke meeting someone once that would have been well suited and really there was no issue it just ended abruptly and I feel this has contributed to my challenges as well because I’ve found it hard to get over.

I think also I spend time focusing on coming across weird or too quiet, not in a narcissistic or self centred way but in a way where I want to fit in and I have probably missed a lot of “looks” or chances. Saturday night I felt a bit different as I wasn’t focused on this stuff but instead I felt a bit more calm that I’m just a nice, quiet natured guy easy to talk to and made an effort to not try and be unnatural and overly extroverted. Maybe I might not attract as many people that way but I wasn’t disappointed that I tried to be unnatural.

I think I have been going through a self development journey which was probably triggered by the end of dating that girl, I have gone through a lot of different dates and although they haven’t worked maybe it was the experience I need and I do feel better approaching these situations now and not as insecure. Maybe I was too uncomfortable in myself when I started this process without realising it. I have signed up to mixed sports early next year, I asked a friend to come so I don’t feel as anxious but waiting for them to get back. If I have to go on my own I will try. I think even though I get anxious I do try to go to places which is something I guess.

I don’t want to sound silly about it but it has been hard to sort of keep getting back in the horse with the dating particularly after I felt I had met someone that was right or at least had the potential to see where it went. It ended abruptly and it wasn’t an issue with me or anything like that so just left me scratching my head.

At the moment really I have really no option or potential option at all and I guess it’s sort of the time of year as well where it makes it worse and I see all my friends off with people and going to end of year events with them and I’m just on my own.

I am happy to develop myself but this loneliness is really intense and I fear there’s no end to this given the pressure to make things happen keeps rising.

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Sorry to bother you again I just had some thoughts I wanted to air out and maybe someone had some advice.

I’ve been reflecting back over the last 12 months particularly the last few days/weeks and I think whilst I’ve probably been a confused rabble at times I do believe there’s been progress and I feel things like last Saturday night are a sign of being more secure in who I am as a person and what I offer and that there’s nothing wrong with my personality (that progress has been helped a lot by advice you and others have provided on here).

Despite this sense of progress the overwhelming feeling is loneliness that I thing is the largest issue at hand to be honest. Whilst there’s progress in other areas I’m really struggling to manage this feeling, I’ll be working at my desk and it pops into my head and I just feel really flat most of the time.

I know I have my family and I do have friends although there limited and only a small network and to be honest I don’t really see them that much nowadays. The loneliness is basically never having had a meaningful connection with someone or even had someone say they like me. I have dated quite a few people this year and I try to say to myself that it’s progress and good experience gained but I don’t know I’ve reached a point where i question whether all the rejections and false starts is worth it.

All my friends have partners and to be honest make no effort to see me and I have to jump through hoops to organise things. I understand people have partners and other priorities so it’s not really about that. I just see everyone going to end of year parties with their partners or just doing things in general and it just exacerbates the feeling.

I have really been trying to be open and give people a go and I know I need patience as well but I am really struggling to manage lonely feelings and I feel like I have a fundamental problem where I can’t see any light at the end of tunnel.

Maybe it’s the time of year as well and looking at 2022 around the corner and I think to myself most likely will be in this exact position next year like I was last year, my fear is the sort of calmness I have felt the last few weeks is more a resignation

On the outside looking in it looks like I’ve got it all figured out and things like work life and family life are going well but it’s this one feeling that doesn’t allow me to enjoy any of it. This lonely feeling is taking over my life and it’s hard to stop it.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Daniel12,

This is such a brave and powerful post, thank you for sharing it here. We hope the kind words and understanding of lovely community members like therising are a help and a comfort to you.

We can hear you've been having trouble connecting to others and feeling alone. Christmas and the year-end can be an especially difficult time for many people. For difficult moments the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you and would welcome your call or online chat, anytime it would help you to speak to someone.

We wanted to pop in and also share a couple of articles we thought you might like to look at. We’re hoping some of them can bring you a bit of hope or maybe some new ideas for the new year, but we do understand some of these things can feel like cold comfort when you're going through it:

• Fun activities to do on your own
• Finding your tribe
• I know I need support, but how do I ask for it?

We can hear you've made some amazing progress, but we know it's not easy. Many will relate to the feelings you share, so we're really glad you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. You never know who might read this thread and feel less alone in their own experience.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Life can definitely become a torturous and depressing experience when you begin to see most things through one emotional lens. I've never really considered this lens factor before in detail. I'm always grateful when someone leads me to greater consciousness. Thank you Daniel.

When I think of lenses, I suppose it comes down to what factors or triggers impact our vision. Is our vision/perception (of life) gradually impacted or suddenly impacted? The gradual vision loss can be a tough one. It's kind of like you not realising it's happening until, all of a sudden, you find yourself stuck with a way of seeing life and it's definitely not through rose coloured glasses or lenses. It's quite the opposite.

I found myself over the past week wearing some really challenging glasses. They were that of resentment. It didn't matter where I looked (work, home, in public), just about all I could feel was resentment. Just about everything I saw I saw through the lens of resentment. From people at work making my job harder, to people at home not caring enough, to strangers not giving a single thought to walking in front of me, I felt resentment in just about every part of my life. It felt like every day was fueled by a sense of anger. Definitely not good for the nervous system 🙂

To cut a long story short, eventually what came to mind, when I meditated on why the heck I was stuck with this emotional lens or pair of glasses - 'Now can you see what you deserve' (in a good way). Wearing these glasses allowed me to actually see what I deserved. I deserved a greater degree of consciousness from those I work with, from members of my family and from strangers. I have great respect for those who work hard to be more conscious, such as yourself. When it comes to certain others, in my opinion they need to work harder. I know that sounds a little arrogant perhaps but it cannot hurt for others to work at being more conscious, instead of happily remaining thoughtless in ways that serve them.

With the loneliness you experience, is it possibly the lack of consciousness of others that allows you to see or experience loneliness? If they were more conscious, perhaps you would not come to see loneliness so clearly. Through the lens or lenses of loneliness, can you see you deserve better? Can you see what you should not settle for from others, such as a lack of consideration or thoughtlessness?

Through your perception, what can you see in others?

[Daniel12]

Hi Sophie

Thanks for the kind words and the information, I will definitely read these in my down time and see what I can take from them!

Daniel

[therising]

Hi again Daniel

Just to be a little clearer

• Do you deserve greater consciousness/thoughtfulness from the the women you've tried dating? Would be nice if someone thoughtfully explained something like 'I'm not looking for anything too serious or long term' or 'I'm looking for a guy who's a self serving a-hole, not someone like yourself' or 'I'm a shocker when it comes to seeing the best in people on a 1st or 2nd date. I just can't manage to find the best in people, which would lead me to get beyond more than the 1st or 2nd date'
• Do you deserve from friends 'I'm typically neglectful of good friends, based on when all I want to do is feel high on what my partner can give me'?
• Do you deserve from people who can't carry a conversation with someone who's initially a little shy 'I'm a shocker at small talk. The fact I can't generate small talk, to make your life a little easier, is not your fault'?
• Do you deserve from somewhat insensitive people 'My apologies for not being able to sense how you're really feeling, I don't have that well exercised ability - to really get a good sense when it comes to how someone's feeling deep down'?
• Do you deserve someone acknowledging 'Christmas/New Year can be a mentally torturous time of year for some people' or do you more so get 'You should be happy!', like it's a magical command that's meant to automatically make everything better?

What do you deserve? I imagine, better than what you may be getting 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly, if you have been having a tough week feel free to reach out! I may not have the same experience to help as you have with me but I can certainly try! I can relate to those sort of moods of resentment, I’ve had weeks where it’s like an agitation with things around and it’s definitely not a good state to be in.

I agree that I’m probably looking at things through a lens that’s not desirable and it’s become a habit that’s hard to break.

I think I possibly deserve better from those around me in a social sense (family is excluded because that’s a stable area and I’m grateful for this). I think what may be happening is I find myself in a position where because all my friends have partners and everything I feel excluded and it triggers some feels I experienced as a teenager and kid at school of having friends but never really feeling I had a place and still feeling lonely.

I don’t feel I deserve to made to feel like I have to jump through hoops to organise tinder my friends, I’ve always been supportive of my friends and also their partners just feels like I’m judged for not having a partner and it’s almost a pain to do things with me.

When I have been looking at the last year recently I’ve tried to look at it and see the progress made but the conclusion I come to is, I had a good opportunity with someone earlier in the year and I feel because lack of experience I didn’t take it and I regret it because I haven’t met anyone that was suited like that since then or before that and then now I’m in the exact same position I was this time last year and the year before so this leads me to believe why is 2022 going to be different. I am almost not even looking forward to a new year, it feels exhausting.

I know I shouldn’t feel that way because I graduated from my engineering degree and was promoted to a higher role at work and I should be proud of this but it almost pales to insignificance without filling this hole I feel in my life. Funny thing is I have a rationale part which says my happiness shouldn’t be dictate by not having a partner or not. I’m just at a stage where it consumes my thought like it never has.

It’s hard at the moment to not feel flat looking into the future. Then the regret I feel from that experience I didn’t take advantage of goes on top of it.

It sounds really silly I can’t seem to focus on positives and feel this way, I don’t want to I just can’t get out of the funk and to think I thought I was slowly coming out.