Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I didn’t see you other post until now, those points all make sense.

The last point in particular about “you should be happy” is typically what I get. I understand people are trying to help and maybe I can be unreasonable as well on the pressure I put on myself.

But a lot of the sentiments I feel are like what I described below, the search for a greater connection in my life seem torturous if I’m honest.

When people say “you should be happy” but thought is well yes I want to be I don’t want to be like this and I want to relax and not focus on these lonely feelings but like I said below I can’t seem to deter my mind from focusing on that one hole in my life. Not sure if it makes sense

[therising]

Hi Daniel

While the thoughts in bold (below) used to really challenge me, once I expanded on them things began to make sense

• I should be happy but there's a good reason as to why I'm not feeling happiness. I can't feel what's not running through me at this point in time
• I shouldn't be feeling like this but there's good reason for why I'm experiencing these feelings
• I should be more grateful but it's hard to feel this level of gratitude while my mind is consumed by my challenge/s

I've reached the conclusion that the powers that be will send the same lesson over and over, until it's finally learned, in full. A significant lesson can come in many forms. Sounds like you've picked it, in your own case, with this current situation bringing up memories of the past. If the lesson is about acceptance, something you've never tried to seriously master until now, this may partly explain why it feels so intense, as you're in the process of picking everything apart (to make sense of it). I believe self acceptance, more specifically, is one of the hardest things to master. It's not common for a child to be strategically taught the skills behind self acceptance. For a start, to be able to feel when someone's telling you a depressing lie is a skill, such as with 'You're useless'.

'If you think you've learned, think again' seems to be the mantra of the powers that be. Mind altering life changing challenges can have many levels to them. So, just when you think you've learned your lesson, a test follows, proving there's more to be learned.

It's taken me more than 20 years to finally learn self acceptance/self love in my marriage. While I worked hard for years to suppress parts of my nature, I now accept and love the fact I'm an adventurer and a future goal setter. I'd suppressed these parts of myself because my husband's quite happy just vibing at home and is happy not creating exciting goals to reach. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, my father triggered me the other week, with his self serving nature. The revelation, 'I've been catering to self serving men all my life, feeling rejection (from them and myself) if I don't conform'. I feel like I've just gone up 5 levels. I'm so glad my son's different. He's a truly beautiful highly conscious person.

There's nothing quite like our adult self taking us all the way back to the past, to see exactly how our challenges have played out to now. It can be a brutal process, yet one offering many revelations.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I'm not sure whether I make sense when I describe it but it's like a strange situation where when looking back over the last year in particular I do feel more comfortable or have a better idea of who I am but the loneliness stuff is actually worse and I feel the hopelessness looking forward is somehow worse. I find it hard to explain properly.

What will happen is I think to myself well I am more comfortable in myself for example on a date because of more experience but then I start to think of the results of those dates and not having found someone and then loneliness or what have you starts to take over. it sounds really silly because it's almost like it starts as a positive thought but I choose to take the negative out of it but it feels a natural thing that I haven't got a grip on.

There is definitely parts of me that feel I have made some sort of personal progress, I hope so anyway, but the last few weeks I have hit a real flat spot where I wouldn't even say the feeling is like a deep depression type it's more like a nothing feeling and like a lack of hopefulness going into the new year.

As silly as it sounds given some of the things I have described previously but I do believe I am ready for a greater connection whilst I understand I do have some personal development in terms of 100% accepting myself still required. Id like to think I have made progress in this area but it's this one area that plagues my mind and thoughts and it has almost become something where it sucks the life out of me. I know I should not compare myself to others and I am genuinely happy for those I know that have found partners etc but I look at it and then look at how socially I don't have that many friends and it just feels like all the pressure is mounting and the cards are stacked against me. Each sort of dating experience that inevitably ends up the same way leaves me more and more demotivated and questioning if it's worth all the effort.

To your point about realising a certain revelation, I actually feel like I have these light bulb moments but then these feelings I have described sort of just take over immediately. Maybe I am impatient to a degree and I need to go through all this to find that person but I just don't like what this process is doing to me in general and that's where I question if it is worth the effort.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I was saying to someone just today how every time I become more conscious, the challenges seem to get harder in a lot of cases. Waking up to who we truly are begins a process that's mind altering. Some compare it to all the scum beginning to rise to the surface, for us to work through and get rid of. The more you get rid of, the clearer things become. Things may be incredibly muddy to begin with. Gaining clarity can take a massive amount of work, which is why a lot of people prefer to remain asleep.

This 'waking up' process leads me to think of Neo, in the Matrix. I may have mentioned this before. He was quite content before he woke up to chaos and an incredibly harsh reality which included the challenge of discovering who he truly was. Each challenge tested him. If you've seen the original, you'd perhaps relate to the red pill/blue pill scene. With the blue pill, taking it means ignorance remains kind of blissful. While life's still a struggle, it's an easier struggle. Taking the red means there's no going back. It dictates that moving forward will be deeply challenging in a lot of ways. With Neo getting a glimpse of what the Matrix is about, he chooses the red pill. There are times where, as his challenges increase or intensify, he wishes he'd chosen the blue. He wishes he could return to how life was, just to escape how life is.

Another relatable aspect of the movie involves the concept of having to let go. Being led to believe in your limitations helps keep those limitations in place. Again, only a movie but what the character Morpheus tries to instill in Neo over and over is along the lines of 'You are more than what you have been led to believe. Let go of these beliefs and find out what you can do. Find out who you are, what you're capable of. To achieve this, you have to let go'.

What you describe in regards to being able to sense your progress while still feeling your limitations, based on past experience, is something I can relate to. I think, for me, what it feels like is kind of having each foot in 2 different realities. You have the realisation of who you are regarding your potential (because you're waking up to it) as well as realising who you believe you are, based on your past experience. Kind of like being caught in the crossover. Having faith in who you're crossing over to become is a massive ask. Once you take that leap of faith, love may appear in ways you've never seen before. Perhaps it is waiting patiently to be discovered.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think the parallels you make are very interesting and when you say you feel stuck in two realities I can relate to that. I feel like I am realising what my potential is or there’s times where I look at things I have achieved or where my life is at and it’s not that bad but the as you say I thing it’s past experience that conflicts all this.

I’m not sure if you would have any advice in this area and feel free not to provide any because I may be like a broken record. But when I think about what you mentioned about being in two different realities I think whilst I am waking up to my potential I get pressured or feel pressured by sort of the expectation to be a certain way or come across a certain way in my generation.

To explain further, for example social media has affected me greatly over the last 18-24 months. I do not frequently use it or post stuff because I have never really been that type but i find myself now feeling an incredible weight on my shoulders to show off a certain lifestyle or if I don’t show that I have 100s of friends I’m not an attractive person for people to know or I’m not thought of or anything. It sounds silly but it’s a really crippling type of thought loop and it makes me get pretty down.

Another layer to this is I’ll see people out and about, not that I don’t go out I do, and they seem to know heaps of people whereas I look at myself and I only really have 2 friends and even then I really have to jump through hoops to see them as I often feel forgotten and they have partners etc. So I feel like I may be perceived as a bit of a loner or that’s how I feel anyway and then I start thinking things like does it matter how many people I know or don’t know and will people find me weird.

Basically what I am trying to say, sorry for the rambling again, is that this type of stuff is the alternative reality I have based on pressure in my social life and the like that makes fully trusting myself and being comfortable and just flat out not worrying about stuff like that the challenge.

I don’t feel particularly strong either as a person because I know that these thoughts are silly and yet I still think it and believe it and I’m really exhausted and frustrated at myself

Thanks again for all your kinds words and hope you are doing well

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's never silly when you're trying so hard to work out who you are and where you fit in. When you think about it, you start off being told who you are and where you fit in or are supposed to fit in. We don't really get a lot of choice when we're younger. From the start, we never actually chose our name, it was chosen for us. We don't choose our family. We don't choose our own clothes or what we eat. We don't choose what kinder, primary school or secondary school we're going to. We don't choose what class we sit in and sometimes we don't even choose our friends, they kind of choose us. So, all of a sudden at around 18, we've got a stack of strategic choices to make and few skills when it comes to how to make them because we never really exercised choice all that much when we were younger. I suppose it's a skill you have to begin developing a lot when you hit somewhere around 18. It's then where we have to seriously begin choosing who we want to be, what direction we wish to take and who we're going to surround our self with in the process and still no one really teaches us significant skills, even as an adult. Life kind of becomes about 'winging it' until we find we can't in some cases. It's then we may typically question, 'Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I heading?' For myself, one of the things I struggled with during my years in depression was the sense of feeling completely lost. 'Lost' can be a horrible and lonely feeling. There's somewhat of an emptiness to it.

Imagine being born with some kind of internal compass but no one tells you this, that you have it. Basically, you're not led to access it when you're young because you're busy following everyone else's directions. You get to around 18, out of touch with that compass with no idea how to use it, how to make choices with it (gaining a sense of direction). So, 'round and 'round in circles you go, covering the same old territory, not knowing how to move beyond it. Doesn't matter how we phrase it, 'broken record' or non functioning compass, we can find our self stuck in the same grove, not knowing how to get out. Makes you want to scream.

If you're feeling drawn to use social media, perhaps your compass dictates 'Do not conform to the expectations of social media, instead look to it as a resource, a tool'. You might pick a music based platform, finding out where all the local band venues are and that's all you use facebook for, for example, a whole different world 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I wholeheartedly agree with what you say about suddenly having to work it out when you’re 18. I left school and to be honest I “thought” I knew what I wanted to do in terms of career and stuff like that but I really had no idea. When it comes to who I felt I was I don’t even think I had the capacity to even think about it. I relate to the lost feeling wholeheartedly as I think I’ve been this way particularly in terms of not feeling adequate socially since I was a kid and I think I’m more greatly aware of it as an adult.

I may have mentioned it before but throughout my time at high school I had friends and would say I was well liked by all but never really felt an actual part of anything or group. There would be birthdays where everyone would get invited except me and it was an afterthought type feeling. I’m starting to feel now this may have had a more profound impact that I realised at the time.

Now in my young adult life I think this has turned into pressure to be something or be perceived as something other than myself because to be my quieter and more reserved self is unattractive.

Much of the lost feeling I have directly results in loneliness I reckon.
When you mention things going round and round in your head for example that’s definitely a huge challenge for me.
If you ever experience this how or what have you done to sort of improve upon it ? It really exhausts me and when I get mentally drained I plummet further and further down and each time it’s harder to get out of it.

At times I can be good with social media and just not use it or use it for specific interests, I think it’s when I’m am flat about who I am that turns the way I use it as a comparison tool which is not great to be honest

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think as we go along through life we're kind of pushed to discover who we really are. I've found there are a lot of triggers that really push me to delve quite deep. It's typically when I'm stuck going over the same stuff in my head that I know it's time to explore why it's impacting me so much.

It was only the other day that I actually realised what was emerging out of what felt like a self destructive pattern. In fact, it turns out the pattern is highly constructive, now that I better understand how it works for me. I cycle. I can be quite content when, all of a sudden I'm triggered by something or someone. I think and think and think until I feel quite overwhelmed. When I've convinced myself I can't work out what the trigger or issue is all about, I become quite down at times, stuck in hopelessness and self chastisement. Then, suddenly, some revelation comes to me that leads me to understand what the heck's going on. What I didn't initially realise was that every time this happens a new aspect of who I am emerges.

• From the down and hopeless people pleaser who could never please everyone no matter how hard I worked, the intolerant upstanding aspect of myself came to life, who dictated in a variety of ways 'If this is not good enough for you, I suggest you do it yourself!'
• From the down and exhausted servant to those I love to serve, the challenger in me came to life. To my family and friends I came to challenge with such words as 'I expect thoughtfulness from you when rest is what I need, to recharge. I expect us to be of service to each other. No one way streets'.
• From the once lonely aspect of self, the content recluse was born while discovering ways to love myself more and love being by myself
• One of my favourites came from my once fearful self, who feared what people would think of me if I said what I was thinking out loud, for example. This new part of me gave me permission and courage. It dictated 'Be yourself. Tell that person how beautiful they look. Don't keep it to yourself, for they may really need to hear that right now'. I think this was more my instinctive self, my relaxed fun loving self

So, for me, I've finally come to realise the cycles produce something unique. The lowest point is giving rise to something mind altering and life changing. Hard to know exactly what is coming to life when you're feeling stuck in the cycle, especially at the lowest point.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for your wise intake on things and I really hope I can have revelations such as these you mentioned that you have been able to find for yourself, particularly the last one which is a big issue of mine.

Given the time of year I have found myself reflecting a lot and whilst there is some things I have made progress on deep down I think I am even more lost than I was this time last year even though there’s things like graduating, a new job and gaining more social/dating experience that I’ve got this year compared to last.

I have thought about this stuff and thought how can I feel even more lost when on the surface things are looking like they are progressing. It’s quite a depressing way to feel.

I thought about this further and sort of how you mentioned try to work out why the actually feeling is there.

I came to the conclusion that I am a bit ashamed of myself if I’m honest. In my quest to be comfortable in who I am or try find a partner I let pressure of social groups around me and social media or things people I know are doing etc affect my actions.

I feel ashamed of myself that I did some things that in isolation are not bad but are against what I would do if I was comfortable in who I am and how I naturally act. Therefore there’s a lot of regret and I feel like a bad person for allowing this to happen to myself and for letting myself succumb to the the confusion and pressure and act out of character. Basically I’ve found myself looking back in shame in myself and disappoint that I have lost my way and allowed societal pressures affect who I believe I am.

These feelings have been quite strong lately and been it’s been hard to manage the shame in myself for acting out of character and against my own principle in some cases

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Shame is one of the hardest challenges to face in my opinion. It's something that eats away at you over time. It took me quite a number of years to work through shame. There were so many triggers reminding me of what I'd once regarded as shameful moments. Making sense of that feeling known as shame can be quite a process. As mentioned, it can take years.

Two of the most significant revelations I had when it comes to shame

1. Shame is a mental program or construct you might say. The shame program can be instilled or installed very early in our life. Stuff gets added to it as we go along. Imagine being raised to be ashamed of your body, hiding it, even in intimate moments with a partner. Now, imagine being raised in an all accepting nudist colony where there's no shame. You can be raised in a particular religion, riddled with concepts that lead you to feel so much shame and fear or raised without that religion, which means you're not going to shamefully 'burn in hell' for what you've done. The list of examples is a long one, seriously long, so I won't go on
2. If we can find a different word to replace shame (completely eliminating it), things become more constructive. A couple that come to mind, 'awareness' and 'conflict'. So, instead of saying 'I'm feeling shame' or ashamed, you could say 'I'm feeling awareness growing within me' or 'I'm feeling conflict growing within me'

To wake up to the fact that different circumstances bring out different aspects of us is challenging. To feel conflicted between who we normally are vs who we've become or who we became (during a certain period) is challenging. While awareness and conflict reveal to you something about yourself, all shame is designed to do is lead you to sufferance. Shame is a mental program of sufferance. It's a horrible one that can lead to that feeling of 'hell on earth'.

So, you could say you've discovered a different side to you, thanks to isolation. Before that, there was little to no comparison. Under those circumstances there's now a comparison. You now know there are 2 sides to you. Perhaps the 2 sides are comprised of the side that's easily led, sometimes based on certain pressures, and the side that cannot be easily led. The side of us that can be easily led is not always a bad side I must add. It can even be handy at times. Personally, I love being led to a healthy and exciting form of wonder. Learning what you don't want to be led to comes with experience. You learn as you go 🙂