Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Morning all, 

Biggest news this morning is that I can walk without limping. So I thought I would capitilise on that by going for a walk this morning, just down to the river and back. Maybe take my diary with me.

I have budgetting to do, as I get paid today. So decisions to make on food, if I pay for barista courses, and what to pay back to the people I owe. My mental space still isn't good, so the walk will give me space from the 4 year old who is home on Mondays.

She is cute and all, I just don't have the strength for a mask today and I don't want to take this out on her. It's not fair. 

The ex is big on my mind, as I know he won't be happy with me paying half of one of the bills I will pay today. I just knowhe is going to be sending nasty emails after he receives my letter from the solicitor. Again, I know I should just forward them on and try to forget about them, and I will. But it hurts. My heart aches today.

I actually hope it rains on my walk.  I could do with a cleansing rain.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Achievement unlocked: Went for a walk. 

...and it was good. Not rainy but sunny. I found several spots which I would love  to  bring my pastels and pad next time. I also found alovelymeadow, where I stopped and wrote in my diary. 

I was going to write about the ex and everything that happened, but instead I just wrote about how peaceful everything was, how calm and how I felt at peace there. I couldn't do the feeling justice, there or here, but it was good. 

And you know, it was  more deserving to write about that than the ex. He has taken up too much of my time already.

GA

[Jo3]

Hey GA

Do you know how proud I am of you?  Heaps!!

Well done for going for your walk today and finding a spot where you can just sit and be you and find some inner peace. I was smiling so much when I read that you felt calm and at peace.

So proud, keep going GA

Jo xxx

[Bridge]

hi GA

my last reply didnt get posted again for some reason.  am i too blunt? i dont know.  im not sure that im very good at this, but ill keep battling on.  MANY appologies if my posts dont help (or worse still upset you) because these are certainly never my intentions.  Hopefully they will get deleted first!!!   alternatively, i may be being a bit neurotic and i might have just pressed the wrong button too.

GA. i reckon people dont know what to say.  they dont know how to behave.  They dont know what to do because they probably fear making things worse, or that you will burst into tears and they cant handle that, i dont know.  Generally people cant handle depressed people because they are so scared of it themselves, and scared of other peoples emotions, particually negative ones.  So, I wouldnt blame yourself for peoples weird *** responses to you.  its them with the problem in actual fact.

also, as i think neil said, it could be that the black dog is telling you stuff that isnt there, or not in the proportion that you are perceiving it. I know this happens to me a lot, anyway. in its self its hard to judge what your perceiving. and as i have so thoughtfully just demonstrated in my first paragraph, i still find it difficut.

i went away on the weekend, and i am pleased to be back and so very pleased that you are still with us and still fighting.  Keep fighting and you will win.  you will get your life back. its is simply a matter of time. ( yes, i was worrying about you while i was away!)

dont tell elsa and mayflower of they will block my posts, but our new puppy has arrived.  his name is Yardley, (commonly, for some strange reason, best  known as Parsley).  he's gorgeous.  he sends you a big warm wriggly puppy snuggle (watch the teeth- he'll try and pierce your ears).  when he grows up hes going to be an assistance dog.  or not.  as he chooses.  if i was a bit more tech savvy id upload a pic of him..

feed your cats tomorrow as well. and do their kitty litter too.

anything after that is a bonus.

do you like Miso soup?  you can get sachets at the supermarket.  we think its a brand called 'spiral'.  its  easy to drink and has more nourishment than tea if your having trouble keeping things down.  

big hug mate.

bridge

[--Danny--]

Hey GA, I think you should book into your doctor & get these seizures fixed up. They don't sound good at all. I had a huge panic attack years ago, scared me to death, I thought I was having a heart attack & dying..my eyes went blurry, I got dizzy & collapsed to the floor..then started sweating profusely..the sweat was extreme..it was one of the scariest things that has happened to me...I still get them but now I know how to deal with it...when your brain starts racing & you feel your heart start to flutter, you have to quickly realize whats happening & basically stop thinking & talk your way out of it...they are annoying as hell but you can learn to stop them once you feel one coming on. Sometimes the brain can over complicate things & play tricks on you..

Try not to feel bad for ditching them so called friends of yours...there a pack of losers anyway...you deserve better than that. Don't let them losers do your head in! 

Danny

[Bridge]

haha! in true technophobe style, i read your thread, and wrote a reply, and posted it, and then found 2 more pages of thread, so ive read that, and now im up to date. and then there at the end was the post i just wrote..  and having just read my previous post, your probably a wee bit confused.  

sorry. this computer stuff, its not hard, i just seem to have a talent for stuffing it up somewhat..

anyway.  really liking the sound of the sun and that meadow. really liking it.

can you go again?

i am so pleased you have found a litttle bit of peace in all this.

bridge

[Bridge]

oh, and in reference to glass walls, have you read the bell jar by sylvia plath? there is a fantastic description of it in there of the way those glass walls feel- she calls it a bell jar- it made a lot of sense to me and made me realise i wasnt alone.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge, 

You know I was just going through my old posts, reminding myzelf of where I wasand where I am now and not even recognising or remembering some of what I had written.  I saw yours and stressless posts and wondered where you guys were lately, hoped you guys were ok as I hadn't seen you round much. And now you post, so yay! 

I am in anxious/manic mood right now, so I am not sure how much of my post is going to make sense. Forgive me. 

Yes I like miso soup. Love the stuff. Best part of a bento box. I will look I  the specialty foods isle for it next time I am at the shops. Thanks for the idea! Also yay, new puppy! So cute. You must be run off your feet with him. 

No I haven't read the bell jar, but I have heard of it. I will look it up next time. I wonder if it is available in audio book? Though I do love the feel of a real physical book in my hand. 

The meadow, yes I can go again. I plan to tomorrow, once my groceries arrive. Then I treat myself with strawberry milk. (Don't look at me like that, it was on special).

I probably misperceiving what happened at the con, and maybe it is partly them not knowing how to deal with a depressed person. hell, maybe they just don't know how to deal with someone after a divorce when they knew both people. Maybe my ex is spreading lies. Maybe I am bieng paranoid. 

Either way, the convention by itself I coukd get over. But now that I deleted them, I don't know how I could face re adding some of them without explaining that I really am that batshit crazy and deleted them in a fit of despair.

Worst is, my close friend who stopped talking to me after The  Obnoxious Drunk incident and me losing my temper,  texted me today asking how I was going. I don't how to reply. Should I reply? 

Oh god my thoughts won't calm down, its like my head is going to explode. Like I have plugged myself into a socket and pure energy, elcetricity is shooting through me. I feel the need to run, to jump, to do anything but sit still.

I don't know if I am going to be able to sleep tonight.

My neighbourhood really isn't safe to walk around in at night, or I'd take a night time stroll to the meadow. Paranoia again? 

Ughhhhhhh. Frustration. Energy. Nothing to do!

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

I really do want to clear other things, but I am so afraid she is going to say it is just in my head. That theres no point.  I like this doctor. She is good.She bulk bills amd is close to me. I dont want it to be ruined. Maybe I should wait til next week. I have an appointment anyway right. 

But can I wait a week? A week stressing over this? I'm not likely to get an appointment with a neurologist in the next week anyway...I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Thinking one thing and then thinking another.

My friend texted me. I don't know how to respond to her. I had cut her out, made it seem like I was accepting it and maybe on some level I was. I am angry with her and don't know if I have a right to be. She suffers from depression and anxiety herself so will not take me, a close friend bieng angry with her well. I don't know what to do there either. I wouldn't stress exceot she was one of my few close friends. Is she worth keeping?

We didn't have alot in common, but we have been through stuff together. I just don't know. The longer I keep her waiting the more she is going to stress. I can't win. Ughhhhh.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I would text your friend back but perhaps keep a distance at the moment, but she has obviously been thinking about what happened, so you can imagine what she had been thinking over the last few days whether she should or shouldn't text or ring you.

If you decide to meet her for a coffee then do so by all means.

When we get married we anticipate to be until the day we day, 'in sickness and in health, richer or poorer', those magic words which never eventuate for some of us.

I never thought that we would get divorced, how wrong I was, but days change, our lives change and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

What I am pleased about is that you are at last going to see a neurologist. L Geoff. x