Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

I slept for fourteen hours yesterday. Still tired and in pain in my joints. 

What hurts more is that as soon as they find out you have mental illness, you are treated as a second class citizen by some medical personnel. Just because I have mental illness doesn't mean there might be something else wrong. 

The worst is that my monsters say that i am the cause for all my problems. Yes some medical personnel agree. It is technically true. But it doesn't mean that i can get myself out of it alone. Just no one wants to help. I don't know how they could. I don't know how much of that last sentence is monsters and how much is me.

But I guess it means that I won't be calling 000 ever again unless I am bleeding and obviously physically injured. 

I wish you could help me. I wish someone could. At the moment I am questioning whether anyone could. Even me.

I don't know whether to book an appointment with my gp this week. The ED doctor recommended it but I have one for next week,   and if more seizures happen in the mean time, well I am just doing this to myself so I am just going to curl up into a ball and not call anyone. 

So yeah I am feeling pretty terrible right now.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

That's not good on the seizures.  Take yourself back under your doona and try to get some sleep, it must be exhausting going through that.

Wish there was something I could do for you, but I am here for you to talk to anytime.

Take care

Jo xx

[Jo3]

Hey GA

How are you tonight? Thinking about you today.

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I am...coping. Not good but coping is the best I can do. 

Left calf muscle is healing, no seizures today so ok on that front.

On the mental front, not so much. After yesterday I just find myself filled with self doubt, self hatred. I don't like who I am.  I just have fallen down a black hole after yesterday. I haven't done the homework for my psych this week,  because she didn't give me the complete handout. I haven't tried looking it up online but it is just too hard right now.

I hope she isn't disappointed in me. I need the sense of peace I had post last session. I am just counting the days til tuesday. I don't think I 'll book an appointment for my gp this, week and try last til next thursday. Even if she agrees to a referral for a neurologist, it will probably a while to wait. I do 't know if they will find anything if they did, it might just be another 'she has a mental illness and is attention seeking behaviour'. 

I don't know why I keep fighting Jo. I don't know why I am still here. 

I gave in and drunk the last cider in myfridge tonight. I know drinking is bad but I just gave in. What can I say, I am weak willed. 

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, just curl up in a doona for as long as you need to. Maybe chatting to your GP again this week might be a good thing to do..some positives may come out of it? Take care GA,

Danny 

[Jo3]

No GA you are NOT weak willed.  You are in so much pain. I just wish there was something I could do for you.

OK, I am sending you a big warm hug.  I don't think your psych will be upset that you haven't completed your homework - I have been a bit like that lately, not finishing my homework either.

OK, so two more days for your appt, that is great.  You will be okay, GA, things will work out. 

You are a fighter GA and I will be here for you, right by your side helping you.

Take care

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

Thats the thing, I don't know if I should. I feel like it would be needy and hypochondriac of me to even ask. I don't know if that is monsters or me. 

Anxiety which had been gone this past week is back. I haven't had shakes since Tuesday, thought the therapy this morning but panic is seizing my chest. Dammit I was getting better wasn't I? Or wasi just covering it, burying deep?

I don't know....I am not good with decisions or rationality right now.

GA

[Imagine]

Hi GA,

I just read your story and I wanted to tell you how much I admire your courage in all you are facing and in sharing your story with total honesty. I wish it could be different for you and that you did not have to suffer at all but you are fighting this so bravely.

I can see some similarities in our stories and I do understand just how hard it is to deal with other illness/seizures on top of depression.

For what it's worth, seeing the little steps you are taking convinced me to force down some soup tonight. If you can take little steps, then I will too.

Here's to a better day tomorrow. Be kind to yourself

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Imagine, 

Thankyou. Just....thankyou. I don't see those qualities in me, I am just doing what I can to survive. I was on the verge of tears, about to reply to your thread when I saw your message here.  Now I am bawling. It probably doesn't help that I am listening to Adele. If you ever needed a break up soundtrack...I will do my best to type and not make huge spelling mistakes. 

Seizures absolutely suck. I am a control freak so that and  my left hand tremor drive me crazy (crazier?) as  a physical sign of being out of control. Its so hard to get someone to take you seriously, once they know you have a mental illness. I guess I am hesitant about the gp because I have a really good feeling from her, and I don't want to ruin it. 

Why did I have to get anxiety? I was just fine fighting depression. I didn't need anxiety or agoraphobia on top of this. I still can't deal with anxiety, but I guess it is in the early stages of new therapy. Just every day is a struggle, as you would know.

I also have a feeling my ex will get the letter from my solicitor this week, so gone will be the nice one and back will come back the nasty ex. And then the passive aggressive messages about some legal but mainly a vehicle to wound me, non legal things about he would like me to be living.  And I will forward them to the solicitor, try to forget them and then fail and curl into a ball and cry.

I want to cry and scream rightnow. I will have to settle for curling up under the doona, and crying as quietly as I can. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I had to cut the previous message short as acertain kitten was climbing over my tablet, wanting to be the sole occupant of my attention.

Ijust wanted to add, I am glad that you managed to have some soup tonight, and the thoght that I could inspire warms my heart. I had dinner for the first time in three days tonight. Every bite of pizza tasted like cardboard, but I ate something. Little steps, right? 

Little steps.

GA