Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

[Loula]

Does anyone feel limited by their mental disorder?

I have bipolar and feel very limited due to it. I find that I always need to be in my head when I'm with people so I act in a normal behaviour so they don't suspect I'm not well. I find when I'm going on a high or a low I tend to hide myself from people. Well actually on a high I just be friend strangers because I don't care what they think lol!

I find that I'm struggling with work and the hours and that I'm not going to advance in it. I find myself taking lots of toilet breaks so I can breath. I'm worried if I do get a promotion I will snap and the be known as the girl with the mental illness.

I find I can't have a hobby or study because I get so board and distracted easily. One day I want to plan events the next day I want to be a doctor.

I'm just really over zero stability and having to really be in my head and watch all my steps making sure I'm healthy. I just wish I could live life with out this annoying thing.

[Loula]

I've always had issues with socialising with people. I would get bullied a lot in primary school and the friends I did make where not allowed to hang out with me as their parents where concerned as I came from a violent broken home I would as a 11 year old be a bad example on their kids.

In high school a few people tried to bully me but I kind of found my self worth and bully to me was bellow me so I'm like why would I care what someone says about me that I don't respect so they stopped teasing me and by the end of high school people knew I was very strong on beliefs, no one could budge me and all respected me. But i tried to make friends with them all but they board me with high school drama. I just found it so hard to find something to click with them.

I have a very very very small group of friends and I connect with them well. If we are in a big group or at a party I feel uncomfortable or go crazy and be the life of the party. But I feel like there is a wall between me and people.

My doctor found it very hard to understand me. He's like most people are on one train. They ever hate people and are so hurt by them they stay like that or they are really friendly and want to hang out with everyone and for some weird reason your on both trains going separate directions and it's causing you so many issues. Your open to friendships but you hate people and scared of getting hurt.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Loula - everytime I read your posts I think I could have written that! I so understand hun - and it's just great to know you.

How are you today? I'm really busy at work and fortunately coping OK at the moment, but I am constantly aware of the internal battle to 'keep my head on straight'. And it's a real bugger knowing it could and probably will change again - anticipating that is awful.

Hope you're going OK hun. Cyber hugs to you.

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi Loula,

I have bipolar 2 depression and dysthymia .

Although bipolar is often listed under types of depression (as it is on Beyondblue's home page) and the low mood is just that, depression, bipolar has also the opposite of depression that being mania. My wife has depression. There is a difference, she has no mania and certainly no moodiness. Wish I was that stable mood wise.

Hence bipolar is treated differently usually with different medications.

Moods I've found are difficult to stabilize, with a need to review my mood stabilizers regularly. Carers family and friends need patience with us.

I also often need to scrutinise what I'm saying and how I'm acting and with guilt thoughts its mentally crippling. Yes I feel a need to hide from society.

It might help you to know that motivation lectures helped me a lot. Not to try to break the low mood episodes, but to remind myself that they won't last forever.

Hope you feel better soon.

Tony WK

[Loula]

Hey sorry it took time to get back. Been super busy at work as well.

Had to deal with a lot of negative toxic people with out a thankyou and just got more winged at. Really can't stand some people. But then was also noticed and got a lot of department heads intrestead in me and more responsibility which is awesome work and career wise. I'm getting where I've also dreamet of but I am scared as all hell due to the bipolar. Thankgod last week I balanced out a bit but who knows when it will attack again.

Do you get over the stigma of it. Likes its a pure crazy illness to have? Like it's an illness people pay out on? Like tonight I was watching a movie and a young girl was emotional and they started saying oh man she must be bipolar and kept referring to her as bipolar through out the movie. My husband said one day the stigma will change but I highly doubt it.

[Loula]

Hi White Knight,

Isnt it annoying having to re dose your meds to help stabilise you? I've decided not to take medication and just use my own human power to get through it. Probably a dumb decision but that's where I am. But at least I'm very intuned with my bipolar. I sadly get the highs and lows and hardly ever feel stable or normal. I hate the fact people have to patient with me. I just want to be treated like everyone else. I hate I need to tip toe around people because I'm in my head and I hate they need to tip toe around me.

[Kazzl]

Hi Loula, good to see you. Sounds like there's good prospects at work hun. Is there anyone at work you trust that you could tell about your condition, someone who might be able to help if you start having problems? I have told my boss and she is wonderful, really understanding.

If you want to take in a higher position at work and know you can do the job, personally I don't think being bipolar should stop you. Other people take on promotions when they have chronic physical illnesses and are accommodated. Why shouldn't we be? Plus, I know for me, working at a lower level than I'm capable of, and seeing others less capable get the promotions, can be a trigger because I get realy frustrated and angry.

But only you know your head and workplace hun. As for stigma, well I think your husband is right, but there's a long way to go. Meanwhile, we are in the company of geniuses and angels - Robin Williams, Catherine Zeta Jones just to name my two favourites.

Hope you have a good day today hun.

Kaz

[Loula]

Had the best weekend followed by a huge meltdown today.

I seriously can't handle any stress!!!! I had an issue with a company and product I ordered I ended up screaming crying and self harming. Haven't eaten a thing. I've got zero energy and scared to bits of going to work! This is my only day off! I'm doing 50 hours straight now!!! I need my recharge time but it's gone.

I just want to handle things normal!

[Loula]

And my boss is away this week who's human and I got a supervisor I can't handle. My boss has also given me a huge task to do. I think it's a test to see what I'm capable of. No other girls even the supervisor has had a task this big! I know the no bipolar me can do it with my eyes closed. My bipolar me is shaking.

[Kazzl]

Hi Loula - I'm sorry, I have only just seen your post about the bad weekend. The self-harming and not eating worries me hun - are you OK? Is your husband with you and caring for you?

Kaz

[james1]

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear about the new developments Loula.

Did you try giving the beyondblue helpline a call? They can really help in those times when we have a meltdown.

Please, I know it's hard, but it's important that you eat something small. Your body and mind are so intricately linked that you need to take care of both to feel better.

That sounds really hard at work. Is it possible for you to talk to your boss or supervisor and share the load? It is better for you to share the load than let your mental health suffer, and it's probably even better from a work perspective if you have multiple people looking after this big task.

Thanks for continuing to reply here Loula - we're here to support each other.

James