Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula · ‎19-07-2016

Does anyone feel limited by their mental disorder?

I have bipolar and feel very limited due to it. I find that I always need to be in my head when I'm with people so I act in a normal behaviour so they don't suspect I'm not well. I find when I'm going on a high or a low I tend to hide myself from people. Well actually on a high I just be friend strangers because I don't care what they think lol!

I find that I'm struggling with work and the hours and that I'm not going to advance in it. I find myself taking lots of toilet breaks so I can breath. I'm worried if I do get a promotion I will snap and the be known as the girl with the mental illness.

I find I can't have a hobby or study because I get so board and distracted easily. One day I want to plan events the next day I want to be a doctor.

I'm just really over zero stability and having to really be in my head and watch all my steps making sure I'm healthy. I just wish I could live life with out this annoying thing.

blondguy · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Loula

I feel your pain with what you are going through. Whether its depression or bi-polar I feel the same as you do. I am not really that focused on the 'label' but I do 'get it'. It is a frustrating place to be in. I have had depression since 1995 and its a pain.

I think reading a book is a great re-charge. My regret was thinking I could get over this on my own..boy was I wrong. I am like you very much though as I love my highs big time. Just for me I couldnt cope with the mega lows that came with them.

I do admire your courage and pro-active mentality Loula

My kind thoughts

Paulx

geoff · ‎21-07-2016

hi Loula, I replied to you yesterday but my comment didn't appear, however I can only try and answer your first sentence as there will be others who will be able to answer your questions about bipolar, but when we do have any mental illness it certainly puts a limit on what you want to do and what you are unable to do.
Lets say that we have a list as long as your arm on what have in mind to achieve, these could be small jobs, challenging jobs, interesting events or jobs that we need or have to do, but once depression hits us then firstly the jobs that needed to be done are put on hold, we just can't do them, so all the other ideas we think about, but they too aren't done.
Along with all of our negative thoughts we never feel confident in setting out to try or even do what we have been used to doing for the hobby we once loved, and feel as though anything we try and accomplish will only fail and that's why it's not done.
So to answer your question I would certainly say YES. Geoff. x

Kazzl · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Loula, thanks for your response. Yes, I like the highs too (even if some people find me a bit full-on), and I am concerned about how medication will affect them, but my doctor tells me I'm not likely to lose them, so we'll see ... it's still early days for me on the medication. Trouble is I'm still rapid cycling (full cycle about every week or 10 days) so the highs are generally followed by a crash. Plus I can't control what type of high I get - the good fun ones or the angry, frustrated ones. Like you said, it's exhausting!

Sounds like you're high-functioning like me - we don't look or (mostly) behave like we're unwell. We go to work, do our jobs, function 'normally' but people don't see the effort that goes into that sometimes. Some days I'm fine and function like everyone else, other days it's a real struggle to keep my mind focused, calm, not obsess, not get distracted, not get angry over small things, not play all day ... it's like having to manage an unruly child in my head.

May I ask you how you coped with the diagnosis? Did it send you into a spin, thinking back to things you'd done in the past, going through the 'if only I'd known then ...' thing? I'm still struggling with that a bit, though it's getting a bit easier. Can't undo stuff eh?

Have you got any tips you'd like to share? I'm trying to find ways to stop 'trigger people' getting to me. Can't always avoid them unfortunately.

Sorry, I seem to have made this post all about me! Guess I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I hope just knowing others experience the same things you do might be a bit helpful. It is for me, helps me understand.

Hope to hear from you again hun - and hope you have a peaceful day.

Kaz

xx

Loula · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Kaz.
The angry/frustrated highs are the worst!!!! One thing I've found helpful through the highs is live them out constructively. When you got that energy don't ignore it use it other wise it turns against you fast and nasty. Well I find that for me. I would be known to be baking for 5 hours straight after midnight for weeks in a row. Neighbours and friends loved me. Who needs sleep!
Some people find the medication great. Some have to try a few to find the one and some just hate them like me. Everyone is different. Hopefully you find it works for you.
When I was diagnosed it didn't really send me into a spin because I was always boarderline it but I was a teen when I was diganoused with depression and he didn't want to say I was because hormones and that rubbish. So it wasn't really a suprise to me when I was diagnosed last year it was more to me a doomed sentence. I got very angry. I was very mad. The doctor says mine is chemical but also due to childhood traumar. So I felt life was just giving me more rubbish. I also stopped talking to lots of family as I blame them.
I then became very ashamed. I hate the stigma of it. I hate how the world precives it. I went into hiding for months and didn't see friends for months. I tried researching it and it mad me angry. I hate that im catogrised. I think that's a reason I don't take my meds. But I'm slowly coming to par it's part of me and one weird thing that has helped me is that a lot of creative famous people have bipolar and I love being creative. So I weirdly feel special about that. I'm a unique artist lol.
Dealing with people is the worse! My therapist is like you really just don't like people. I'm like nope, they are all the same living in a box I like out there people. He's like that explains why all your friends are older and artist and musicians. You need to be feed creative smart energy. You need to be entertained.

Loula · ‎21-07-2016

1 way I've delt with people I'm assuming you are referring to telling people about having bipolar is that me and my partner sent our family and closest friends a text saying what has happen and why I've disappeared. We also sent them links on bipolar and asked them to read it even if they think they know what it is because come on what they think is wrong. We sent them ways to handle me if I'm going through an episode, a list of emergency contacts in case I get in my dangerous lows and also a support page for people who have friends and family with bipolar. We also stated that I'm a proud person and private and not to question me about it and I will bring it up with I'm ready. My husband also told his religious family it's not the devil and there's more to it then they think. The response was really good. Some where stupid but I braced my self for it.
To handld to poop poop heads I ever snap at them lol. Don't get me on a high angry mood. Or I do what every girl does and winge to them to a friend. My friends know there is not point trying to say the mean well. They know I need to vent so they vent with me. But then after the vent and when I'm calm I realise they mean well but they are dumb lol.

Kazzl · ‎22-07-2016

Hi Loula, great response hun! Thank you! I'm off to work now but really want to read it again and respond tonight. I think you have a great attitude. And yes, we are creative souls (I looked up the list of famous people too haha).

Hope you have a good day hun, I'll try to check back in this evening.

Cheers

Kaz

Airies · ‎22-07-2016

Hello Loula and Kazzl,

what great responses. Can relate can relate completely and I'm learning so much from your posts.im still learning so much about the disorder and about myself as well.im on a high at the moment have been for weeks after what has been the most hellish year of my life. Hope you both have a good day

cheers Len

Airies · ‎22-07-2016

Wow I know without my meds id be flying. In the past I'd survive on a couple of hours sleep for days and function.Dont work anymore. I just can't. I struggle to manage my meds but some days I'm flying.This past year has been helish. I'm lucky to be here.At the moment on a high. Mood Diary is beneficial for me. I can be nice as pie to people yet barely tolerate my own flesh and blood. I hate that but am improving. Umm trying to find This bipolar life but to no success

Loula · ‎22-07-2016

Hey I'm glad but no glad you can relate to this lol. I've decided to stop investigating the order because it seems life a death sentence to me. Makes me feel like my life is going to be about going high, low taking drugs, sleeping around and hurting people and myself. So I generally only come on to this pages to see if I can find someone that relates to an issue in going through to get help. I've figured out over the year that everyone's bipolar is different and we all got different ways to cope.

It can be so hellish. I went through my darkest year last year. Amazed to still be here. Yer I'm use to going over a month with only 3-4 hours sleep max a night. Still some how function but get violently sick.

Its rather hard doing this not on medication, well expect pain killers. I just am really in tune with myself and if I feel a change happening I become so protective of myself. I don't put myself in situations that make me worse. I come across to be as selfish but I know I'm doing what's right for me.

Last year I could only work 2 days a week. It was a struggle but I'm a working person I needed it to feel proud of myself.

I so can relate to you when you can be nice as pie to people but not to your self. People at work come up to me saying I'm the nicest person in the world and a joy to be around and on their bad days I always make them feel better. If they only know I feel like rubbish and hate myself. If they only knew how tired I am of being nice so people don't think there is something wrong with me.

Im struggling to find life with bipolar. Im a very large believe in it doesn't define me I define myself but at the moment its ruling me. Hopefully I over that it.

Kazzl · ‎23-07-2016

Hi Loula and Len - how are you today?

Loula what you said about being protective of yourself when you feel a change coming on really resonated with me. It's not selfish, and I don't care if people think it is. It's self preservation. Sometimes I have to cancel things I've agreed to do or go to (I have twice this week) and sometimes I just need to go to bed ... so I do. I'm lucky my hubby understands.

Do you ever feel like you're somehow not there when people are around you. Like you're distanced from what's going on around you, almost like you're watching a movie?

Cheers guys

Kaz

xxx