Feel like I am not an Adult

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am dealing with grief at the moment and it has made me face mortality and what that actually means. I am still working through that,but one thing has become crystal clear.

 I have always felt like I have been stuck at 16. Things happened as a teenager and I wasn’t able to be your run of the mill teenager. As an adult I have faced many mental health challenges due to this. Mainly not feeling like an adequate “adult”. I have not been able to leave home, partly due to being a carer and partly because I couldn’t afford it. I can’t hold down a job due to my illness and never found a partner in life.

I feel like a burden to my family who provide the roof over my head. But they are getting on in years and I know I can’t keep pushing these thoughts and realities aside as I have been able to do in the past. Or hoping they will just resolve themselves with time. They haven’t. The years do go by too fast. I am lost. I don’t know how to be an independent adult. I don’t have learned experience. I am scared that the time will come and I still won’t be ready to be an independent person. I don’t want to be a burden on any other member of my family. And when the times comes, I can’t stay where I live. It isn’t mine to keep. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear. I need help or direction. I don’t want to have to keep confronting these issues. I don’t know how people “do”, being a responsible adult. Especially in today’s world where things are alot more limited than when I younger.

Thank you for listening.

ABC01

[sbella02]

Hey again ABC01, a warm welcome back to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I'll address each of your points separately, starting here:

As somebody who fluctuates between feeling adult and feeling like a teenager, I hear you. The various trials and tribulations of life can make us feel either really mature and like a "typical" adult, or woefully underprepared and juvenile. 

Truthfully, there are many different ways to "adult", and to feel like an adult. Everyone feels differently, and we're all learning what to do and what not to do constantly. I can gather a little bit of this answer through your response, but I want to ask you directly: what does/would being an adult feel or look like for you?

I know that for me, feeling like an "adult" looks like me achieving various feats in my life, particularly career-related. Moving "up" in the world, I suppose. Earning others' respect for these achievements. Eventually, financial independence too. For me, it feels quite freeing, within the realm of possibility in a capitalistic society (as work is mandatory).

There's no shame in not leaving home - there are many reasons why people don't - and I would argue that being a carer accentuates this point. You've dedicated a portion of your time for caring for another person/people, and that in itself is a hands-on, mostly (or even entirely) unpaid job that requires a lot of attention and commitment, as well as being an incredibly noble thing to do. It says a lot about who you are - you care about people and their wellbeing. Personally, I think that's very representative of being an adult.

May I ask, if you're comfortable sharing, what jobs have you had or would be looking to go into if you were to seek some work? It doesn't have to be something overwhelming, fast-paced, or that requires a huge time commitment - there are many jobs that would be good for helping you get back out into the workforce and start earning some income, if that's something you'd be open to. If your sense of being an adult is tied to working in any way, this may even help you restore some confidence. 

I hope this helps, as always feel free to keep chatting with us. We're here for you. 

SB

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

Thank you for your reply. I guess there are many definitions of what an adult means to everyone.

In terms for me, an adult has always meant looking after myself financially and independent of others contributions. That means an income of some kind that covers living (a roof over my head), food, car and medical expenses. It also covers any animals I have in my care at that time too. Responsibility wise, food, medical and registration. I wouldn’t like to live in a share house due to trauma. But even a one bedroom place would be good. I’d like to keep my car, but if push came to shove, I could use public transport to a degree. I wouldn’t like using it in the nighttime darkness. If I could add in one more aspect as an extra, it would be to have the spontaneity to think, I want to go the the beach today, and I go to the beach that day,without any fear of driving or have any other anxiety stop me. Watching people just drive and take themselves where they need to go without fuss is something I am so envious of. I watched my parents do that.

The tricky thing for me as I have not only multiple mental health issues(being treated),but 3 autoimmune conditions that are incurable and interfering (being treated).One I need access to a toilet at all times,and at a drop of a hat, so many part time jobs in retail and hospitality are out. I am allergic to so many things I touch,so warehouse work is also out. So is gardening. And my joints are also affected,so being on my feet for a long time isn’t ideal. I also have an appointment every 6 weeks that is unavoidable and inflexible on a weekday. It is for medicine. Not a great candidate for employment from the perspective of an employer. Not when the next person has no obstacles and can start asap. I also have multiple appointments but all over the place per month. Also essential to my mental health and sometimes physical health. I also have a fear of driving,even though I have kept my car and drive only to the local shops and back. I hope one day I may be able to push past that fear with exposure and get better at it. My last job and driving to and from it contributed to that fear alot. By the end of it I would “make it home” and burst into tears,as if in relief and release of the fear and tension I felt.

I enjoy the autonomy of administration work.
My last position I could pop in headphones and listen to music as I worked. But I was given too many tasks and too many timeframes for those tasks at the same time and it was too much. SLA’s and KPI’s. I can multitask well. But the criticism I received constantly impacted my mental health. We had too much work and too little employees to cover it all. So it all built up in the end. I would work in administration again.

I tried retail. A big fail. I tried fast food. A big fail. I tried warehouse work. Okay,but my conditions flared up badly and I was a casual, ready for the chop, the moment work dried up. And I tried full time administrative work. That was good to a point. Then became to high stress and demanding and my mental health suffered. It may have been the job position and the company I was in,but I had to leave as I was at the tipping point of a meltdown. And I was without my autoimmune conditions then.

Thank you for saying that about being a carer. But I may have overlooked myself in that equation and here I am in this situation.

Maybe I am more adult than I believe I am. I do look after people, I can budget what money I do have, I look after my animals. I attend all my appointments and can be someone to rely on. But I am underprepared. In today’s world everything is so expensive. And I don’t have financial independence to meet it. And that is why I am scared. Unless I win the lottery of at least 2 million, I am underprepared. I don’t want to live life like this,scared. I don’t have confidence to just jump into something and hope it works out. And at the end of this, I just feel so alone in it all.

Thank you for talking to me,

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

 I have replied but it isn’t showing here.

An adult to me means being financially independent from anyone else entirely. Being able to support myself. A roof over my head, food, car and medical expenses. And look after any animals I have in my care. So food,registration and medical care/annual vaccinations and flea and worming. An extra if I could have one, would be the spontaneity to just get into my car and drive where I want to go,when I want to without any anxiety attached to it. I don’t want to be someone’s burden.

I have diagnosed mental health disorders and also physical autoimmune conditions. They require hospital visits and then my routine mental health appointments. I don’t think I am a good candidate for employers if the next person who walks in is ready to go with no conditions attached.

I have tried retail,hospitality,warehouse and administration jobs. Administration is where I think I excel at. I can do it autonomously. But with all my health appointments being all over the place, I have to factor that into it too. Even volunteering is hard as I don’t know if I can commit to the timeframes they ask for.

Thank you for your kind words. About not leaving home. But I may have focused too much on them and not alot on myself and now I feel scared that I am and will be underprepared as an adult, if I am forced out into this world.

Thank you,

ABC01

[sbella02]

ABC01,

Thank you for your reply, I can see your dilemma in that there may be a lot of factors affecting your ability to work.

That's good that administration appeals to you, and that you're good at multitasking. What about a remote administration job that can be completed from home? This may or may not be the right fit for you, but something like a data analyst, or moderator for a webpage, an assistant, tech support person... something that you'd be able to do from wherever you are, may be suitable. There are quite a range of jobs that may be good to consider, if you've got the time and motivation to have a look. Some of these could also be suited to part-time too, which sounds like it would be good for you.

It sounds like this may be the main thing that's making you feel like you're not quite an adult. In the meantime, your caring role, budgeting ability, and reliability sound like pretty adult traits to me. You're doing better than you think - these are all things to be proud of.

If feeling like an adult would be really fulfilling to achieve for you, doing things underprepared may be the way to go. I've done many things in my adult life with fear - applying for jobs, university programs, exciting activities, reaching out to professionals in fields I'd like to be in. For me, if I don't do it scared, I'd never get anything done. Most things scare me, as I often feel like I'm not ready or don't have the confidence/skill to do things. The other thing that I'll do before I undertake something that scares me is to research it, or gather tips on how to do it/how to do it well. That'll help me go into it with more of a clear idea of how to conduct myself, what to do, and what not to do.

I hope this helps - please feel free to continue chatting with us, we're here for you. 

SB

[ABC01]

Thank you SB,

This was helpful to read and see that I already have traits and conduct myself in an adult fashion. It is helpful to be reminded of that when I am only focusing solely on one aspect.

 I don’t know if I would be suitable for the jobs you mentioned, as I don’t know if I have the training requirements. However that doesn’t mean I can’t get them. And the list was varied and always a good way to start. Thank you there too.

 I also understand that scared maybe the default setting for alot of things I will need to do. But can see the benefits in research first. And know that scared can soon become comfortable.

Thank you for your reply,

ABC01

[Scared]

Hello abc01

I want to give you something to think about and its really important.

I was a carer too for about 6 years to my mum.  When she left for a nursing home I was completely alone and on my own.

I found the world had changed when having to fend for myself.  Being a carer led me into a world of unreality and I didnt notice how far from a normal life I was leading. Being a carer did not equip me for the changes i was about to face.

This is relevant for your story.

I actually ended up sleeping rough in the city as it was that far I fell from the false reality of being a carer.

I had forgotten all my life skills, I had no job and no help to find my way.

This can happen to anyone

And I wouldnt be doing you right if I dont scare you.

But my story doesnt have to happen to you.

If your a care giver Never do this without putting solid foundations down for a life on your own

Find work and save money whilst also managing your care duties.

Keep friends while also managing your care duties.

Have a life outside of your care duties.

And hang on to your car because you need to be independant of your care duties.

Sometimes we need to just blurt out honest good advice without all the trimmings.

I hope you reflect on my words.

It has become scary out there and you need to prepare for it and a whole lot of nice words wont help you prepare for the future.

[ABC01]

Dear Scared,

I do appreciate your honesty. It is important to know that being unprepared can lead to the worst-case scenario. That is way I am trying to action it now, as I can see how it will go without doing anything about it. But I don't have alot of those things you were talking about keeping now. So, I will need to find them and that is where I am at a loss.

If it isn't to personal, how did you make it back from that dark place?

Thank-you for your reply,

ABC01

[Scared]

I never made it back

Im worse now than ive ever been

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am having a particular hard time at the moment. Yesterday and today, I have been having tough and strong emotions. I am crying at the drop of a hat and have already cried for a short time four times today and it is only 10:50am.

I know some days are good and some days are not so good. But feeling this sadness for a prolonged period of time is really uncomfortable and difficult.

My OCD is constantly playing unwanted songs in my head, and they are the saddest songs with depressing lyrics. And I can’t get them to stop. They are intrusive. I have tried to sing another song over them or distract myself from them, but they keep coming back. I have tried to listen to the radio for other songs to enter my head. But some of them were sad too.

 I just need a hug today, but there isn’t anyone here to give me one.

Thank you for listening.

ABC01