Feel like I am not an Adult

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am dealing with grief at the moment and it has made me face mortality and what that actually means. I am still working through that,but one thing has become crystal clear.

 I have always felt like I have been stuck at 16. Things happened as a teenager and I wasn’t able to be your run of the mill teenager. As an adult I have faced many mental health challenges due to this. Mainly not feeling like an adequate “adult”. I have not been able to leave home, partly due to being a carer and partly because I couldn’t afford it. I can’t hold down a job due to my illness and never found a partner in life.

I feel like a burden to my family who provide the roof over my head. But they are getting on in years and I know I can’t keep pushing these thoughts and realities aside as I have been able to do in the past. Or hoping they will just resolve themselves with time. They haven’t. The years do go by too fast. I am lost. I don’t know how to be an independent adult. I don’t have learned experience. I am scared that the time will come and I still won’t be ready to be an independent person. I don’t want to be a burden on any other member of my family. And when the times comes, I can’t stay where I live. It isn’t mine to keep. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear. I need help or direction. I don’t want to have to keep confronting these issues. I don’t know how people “do”, being a responsible adult. Especially in today’s world where things are alot more limited than when I younger.

Thank you for listening.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear Scared,

I am truly sorry to hear that.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

Sending you a comforting hug 🤗 I know it’s awful having difficult emotions and nothing seems to make it better. Things do improve again but at the time it can feel like it will never end.

How are you feeling today? 

I just thought I’d also mention that sometimes it helps to just take things one day at a time. I’m slowly learning to do this myself rather than freak out about the bigger picture. I find if I can be in the present moment now and remember to enjoy it, I am not so much ruminating about trying to control the future. And when I am kind to myself in the present moment, the future starts to take care of itself in a positive way. I just thought that may help you with your current situation when thinking about the future.

For example, today I have to drive for an hour to a neighbouring town to see Centrelink because I can’t get through on their phone line. It can turn into all this anxiety - will I be up to it today, will I have to wait there a long time, will they be able to answer my questions etc, through to thoughts such as will I be able to financially survive into the future on my current fixed income, can I afford maintenance expenses on my home etc… and before I know it I’m overwhelmed. But what I have managed to do is turn it into an adventure. So I will take my camera and photograph some interesting things in the town I’m visiting. I’ll really enjoy seeing different scenes other than my own town which I’ve been quite confined in lately. I’ll just stay with the present moment. I did that even making my omelette for breakfast this morning, enjoying chopping the pumpkin, asparagus and spring onion I put in it and really savouring the taste. It’s like the thought process can go from life is scary to life is good. And as you experience individual moments as good, it extends into the future as well. The positive present moment creates a future positive reality.

At the same time as the above, I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness and grief at the moment, but I’m just allowing that to arise and let the tears happen and somehow through that still manage to enjoy preparing and eating my omelette. I think it’s allowing feelings to be there and being kind and tender towards them.

As far as being an adult ABC01, I see a lot of adult wisdom and insight in the kind, wise and supportive encouragement you give others. I think if you can go gently and be kind to yourself, gradually your future will unfold in a positive way. Not that there won’t be challenges, but I think the thing is to try not to be paralysed by overwhelm but just take gentle steps each day. I’m learning that’s all I can do and it kind of releases you from the weight of trying to solve everything right now. When paralysed by overwhelm you can do even less and will struggle more. When you release trying to solve the future life becomes more liveable in the present, and finding some joy and meaning in this very day creates positive energy for good outcomes in future days.

I hope that makes some sort of sense. Take good care,

ER

[ABC01]

Thank you Eagle Ray for some insight.

I guess if I don’t start working towards an independent future now, when the need for this future arises, I will be unprepared.

However I can understand that only focusing on this subject can lead to more emotional struggles upon what I already have. And that positive days lead to more positive experiences and confidence grows from that too.

It is a balancing act. One I haven’t got a handle on yet.

How am I going? Very emotional days. Trying to get a handle on how to resolve some aspects of my grief. However no answers so far. I feel these components of my grief trap me in a cycle. Groundhog day. I am trying a new therapy to see if it helps,but too new to know just yet. I find it difficult when I have too many conflicting emotions in the same day. But am still trying. And that is the best I can do.

I can hear you are trying to do the same and applaud you for getting what you need to done,even amongst your feelings. It is hard.

Thank you for replying.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I wonder if you feel there is just one thing you can begin to look at where you want to feel more adult and independent and just gently work on that one thing? That way it is less overwhelming. I have found growth in life is really a lot of smaller experiences put together that teach us wisdom and insight over time.

Even something like volunteering doing something one hour a week could be a beginning. You could choose something that aligns with your interests and preferences where you might have the opportunity to be a part of something meaningful and you can engage with others in a non-demanding environment. It would have to be the right volunteer activity of course, as sometimes some volunteer things are not the right fit. But where it is a good fit, it can be an environment in which you grow in social confidence and feel purposeful and meaningful in what you are doing. That can help you to feel like you have more efficacy in the world and you can extend that feeling into other aspects of your life.

That is only one suggestion of course and may or may not be the right thing for you. But when I look back on my life, it has been a somewhat haphazard mix of eclectic activities that have helped me grow and mature as a person. My own parents had not managed to grow beyond a certain point because they were impaired by trauma, so I have had to improvise and make my own life up largely on my own, working out how to be in the world (still a work in progress).

A friend of mine, who has complex PTSD like myself, has very good advice. He says we are, and always have been, completely ok. We can think there is something wrong with us and constantly put ourselves under pressure to be better, when in fact we are already ok in this moment now. Nothing was ever wrong with us in the first place. It was our conditioning that created the notion in us that we are faulty or less than others or inadequate.

I think what I am trying to say is that you are a complete human being right now. Yes, there may be skills to develop and confidence to build. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. All the potential is there and just seeing each day as an opportunity to grow and learn something new can be a beginning.

Maybe ask yourself, "what in my heart would I most like to do?", and then begin, however small, to begin to build a reality around that. What things bring you light and joy? What can you remember has uplifted you in the past? If you can connect with your heart and spirit, I think the growth potential to do with adulting, so to speak, starts to emerge and take care of itself.

Much kindness and support to you ABC01,

ER

[tranzcrybe]

Perhaps you see things as either/or.

In your current situation, you can't be prepared because independence is foreign to you.
And to be thrust into such a lifestyle will surely cause initial distress in your fragile state.

SO, why not use your present living environment as a 'proving ground' toward independence - with the reassurance of a safety net if needs be?

Sure, you live with your parents, but you can choose to place some respectful distance between your and their affairs - the adult relationship with parents can (and possibly should) be on different terms for the benefit and freedom of all.

A few suggestions to experiment with:-

✔️ Try making your own meals according to your schedule/preference - do your own shopping, laundry, and pay board (which may be proportional to rent you would need to find otherwise).

✔️ Manage your room like an apartment to get yourself used to the idea of personal space (can you arrange a 'separate entrance' for complete autonomy?) - maybe redecorate to suit your tastes to help transition from your past into a positive sign for change toward the life you envisage.

✔️ Live according to your ideals to come and go as you please without justification or obligation to anyone but yourself (within reason and showing due deference to parent's ownership).

Naturally, be sure to seek approval first, and possibly outline the motives behind your actions to avoid offending anyone. Also, don't neglect your parents in the process - plan a weekly dinner out together to catch up and report on progress.

Fundamentally, you would be doing yourself and your parents a great service in developing these 'real world' habits to give you a running start and some added peace of mind for your long term happiness (parents worry about their kids of any age for when they themselves won't be around to watch out for them).

Plus, there is the boost to your confidence and flow on to your mental well-being as you take on board relatively minor risk in accomplishing everyday life skills.

But never worry about what constitutes being an 'adult' - you'd think that was some sort of 'qualification'. The reality is that most of us just muddle through as best we can. Then, in time, you too can look back and say you took it all in your stride with the aid of 'creative hindsight' that we all do!

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again ABC01 and wave to Tranzcrybe,

I just wanted to say I think those ideas of Tranzcrybe’s ideas are very good ones. They are more directly practical than my generalised thoughts.

It made me think of the skills I learned when I first moved out of home and into share houses. Those skills included working out:

• Was food shopping to be shared and cooking shared or would shopping and cooking be separate and each person have their own shelf in the fridge (I experienced both and other variations in different houses).
• How were bills to be handled and paid for.
• How was housework arranged.
• How was the use of shared space negotiated.
• How to communicate effectively including conflict resolution.

By systemising some responsibilities and tasks in the relative safety and familiarity of your family home, it could be a way of developing a greater sense of adult responsibility. It may be a way of establishing adult-to-adult ways of relating rather than parent-child dynamics.

When you live in a share house you have to quickly develop these skills. I know you said you feel you couldn’t live in a share house, and I also know even share houses are not cheap these days so it might not be immediately possible, but as someone who is shy with social anxiety myself, I found house sharing one of the most beneficial things I’ve done. You meet a lot more people because housemates’ friends and families visit. You develop more social interaction skills with a wider range of people. I lived in 8 share houses and only two were not good and I didn’t stay long. But even those experiences taught me things about my own limits and values. Some share houses, when advertising, mention they are a non-party house or a quiet house of introverts. I had one friend who regularly held board games nights with her housemate which I went to and they were fun. In some of the houses I lived in we had really fun dress up parties. On my own I wouldn’t have done these things, but with the camaraderie of the house I was able to be part of it. They are great memories now. So when I lived with people a bit more extroverted than myself it was actually good for me.

I also lived in two granny flats at the back of other people’s properties. In those situations I had my own space but had regular contact with my landlords and didn’t feel all alone because others were nearby. Plus the first couple had a dog and the second couple had two dogs. I would look after their dogs when they went away. I wonder if something like that could work for you as I know you love animals.

Which leads me to the next thought - housesitting/petsitting. I have done this for short stints, but you can also do much longer stretches as in a few months at a time. As you are not paying rent, this could be a way to ease yourself into the experience of independent living. I know someone who saved a deposit for a house by petsitting for several years. She loved animals so it suited her.

Those are just some additional thoughts. The outside world can seem scary, yet it is also liberating and exciting. I got to live in a range of suburbs and discover new places. I developed valuable life skills and it was actually in the share houses where I grew the most. Some of those skills were then transferable to other contexts such as the workplace where I became more confident in handling things.

I also agree with Tranzcrybe that there isn’t a set qualification to be an adult. It’s more a case of muddling along in the adventure of life, trying things out and see how you go.

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray and Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your practical replies.
I have to admit I am already doing most of Tranzcrybe’s suggestions already. Board, grocery shopping,cooking, my own chores ect.

I am a vegetarian,and no one else in my house is, so I cook all my meals for myself and shopping too. I have my own shelf in the fridge, freezer and pantry. And a drawer with my own pots and pans for just vegetarian cooking.

I don’t tell my parents where I am going,but they ask as I am leaving through the door,so I feel it is rude not to say. Or don’t know what to say not to cause a conflict. Plus if I ask them, they tell me where they are going.

I only have my own room to put all my things,or else they get chucked out. So it is pretty full. My dogs things too.

I appreciate your suggestions and reflections. My only concern is right now, I’d have to factor my dog into every decision I make about living arrangements. Her safety is my utmost concern. Recently I lost a animal family member to forces outside of my control and am extremely focused on not losing another.

I do like the suggestions that I don’t need “qualifications” to be an adult. And that most people muddle through it. Unfortunately, I am not a muddler. At least my anxiety isn’t.

But I do have two goals. And one to get done by the end of this year. So I have a starting point.

Thank you for your support and gentle guidance. Your replies were thorough and I feel my response doesn’t match that. But tonight my head is a little full.

Grateful,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

It sounds like you are already implementing many things where you are leading an independent life. My sense from that is that you will be quite well prepared in a lot of ways when you do venture out on your own. So don’t put yourself under too much pressure and just focus on what you feel able to, as you are now.

I do understand about your dog. If you were able to housesit somewhere and take your dog with you, if the house owners were ok with that, that could be one way forward. House sitting has the wonderful benefit of usually being rent free and there may be just a few responsibilities such as some garden care, but that would vary from place to place.

I’m house sitting right now actually looking after a fluffy cat. I find the change of scene really beneficial. It does break up the Groundhog Day that you were mentioning. It’s like a circuit breaker. I’ve noticed an improvement in my mental health since being here. I’m in my friend’s mum’s place which is next door to my friend and that combined with the cat is a definite benefit to me.

I would say whatever you do it is good to try and make sure you are not isolated. I moved to a country town which I’ve actually been very lonely in. When I come back to the city as I have at the moment, I am much less lonely and see a big uptick in my mental well being. One advantage of housesitting is it can allow brief stays in other places without being there long term. So you can try out a particular area and see how you feel in it.

I understand too what you are saying about not being a muddler. I think setting specific goals as you mention is a good thing if muddling is anxiety inducing. That way you know you have things in place going forward. I think you got this ABC01. So don’t doubt your capacities. We are often more able than we realise to handle life challenges. It is often the anxiety about such challenges that is the biggest issue, rather than the challenges themselves.

Take good care of yourself and we are always here for a chat.

Hugs,

ER

[ABC01]

As you aren’t allowed to have more then one post, per person, per forum and all my posts and being merged into one, I guess I will post this here.

Title: Will I ever feel normal again?

I have been struggling lately with my days. My daily life since the passing of a loved one and then being diagnosed with Depression and Ptsd among my already existing Anxiety and OCD, my daily life has been incredibly hard. 
I wake up from sleeping extremely alert. One second I am asleep,the next I am wide awake. My sleep is not refreshing or relaxed. My jaw hurts as I have clenched my mouth together and my body is sore from muscle tension. My sleep from before they passed, to my sleep now is miles apart. And coming close to 7 months I am exhausted. Sleep now is just an 8 hour period when I am unconscious. There is nothing more to it. As soon as I wake up I have 16 hours ahead of me, with no purpose or spontaneity to do something that relaxes me. I haven’t found anything that has relaxed me in 7 months. I feel most of the time, I am on the verge of tears or feel like my chest might explode from holding it in so tight. I get visits from my nieces and nephews,but I can’t find joy there. I have dogs at home, but can’t find joy there either. I really feel trapped in my mind and body. I am not even 25% of the person I once was. 
Will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever feel joy from anything again? Will I ever find comfort in my own skin again?
Today was particularly distressing feeling all of these emotions. Just when I feel like I have felt the worst, I find that I haven’t. And Christmas coming up, makes me feel worse. I can’t get on that level of happiness or spirit. But I am afraid it may be my dogs last Christmas as they are really ageing and starting to change, and not for the better. I don’t want the regret of not celebrating their potentially last Christmas together.

 I know the me I once was, and the me I am today. And I don’t like the me I am today. But I don’t know how to change that. I don’t want to be stuck here forever. People say I won’t. But it has been nearly 7 months already, I can’t see the way out. This isn’t a life to live. Some people may think 7 months isn’t a long time. But it is when it is your days, everyday.

Thank you for listening,

ABC01

[tranzcrybe]

Seems like I have missed the point of your thread.

From your comments, you appear to be completely capable in the area of managing for yourself and have ample control over your environment within the constraints of cohabitation.

This, then, wouldn’t be about finding independence, but separating from dependence (or co dependency) – that emotional bond with parents (or anyone we are close to) where, as children, we expect to never end, and which may have become infused into your security following past trauma.

So is this a bad thing? Not really, but just like training wheels on a bicycle where they can save us from coming to harm at the outset, continuing to use them ultimately impedes freedom and the very purpose for learning to ride in the first place.

Have you discussed an ‘Advanced Care Plan’ with your parents for when they eventually become unable to care for themselves? As you mentioned your anxiety (over controlling future events?), this might help ease some fears whilst aiding your transition to self confidence and total independence as the competent adult you already are.

At the same time, a chat to DSS might provide some additional support/benefits for rent assistance and services you might require to supplement your needs should your arrangements change in future.

> Some things in life we can control while others are unrealistic and we can only seek acceptance for the experience and the blessings for sharing in them. It’s never that simple but it defines our character to find gratitude beyond our immediate understanding.

Hang in there ABC001, change can be a bumpy ride to a new beginning.

[and a belated HI to Eagle Ray 🙂]