Feel like I am not an Adult

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am dealing with grief at the moment and it has made me face mortality and what that actually means. I am still working through that,but one thing has become crystal clear.

 I have always felt like I have been stuck at 16. Things happened as a teenager and I wasn’t able to be your run of the mill teenager. As an adult I have faced many mental health challenges due to this. Mainly not feeling like an adequate “adult”. I have not been able to leave home, partly due to being a carer and partly because I couldn’t afford it. I can’t hold down a job due to my illness and never found a partner in life.

I feel like a burden to my family who provide the roof over my head. But they are getting on in years and I know I can’t keep pushing these thoughts and realities aside as I have been able to do in the past. Or hoping they will just resolve themselves with time. They haven’t. The years do go by too fast. I am lost. I don’t know how to be an independent adult. I don’t have learned experience. I am scared that the time will come and I still won’t be ready to be an independent person. I don’t want to be a burden on any other member of my family. And when the times comes, I can’t stay where I live. It isn’t mine to keep. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear. I need help or direction. I don’t want to have to keep confronting these issues. I don’t know how people “do”, being a responsible adult. Especially in today’s world where things are alot more limited than when I younger.

Thank you for listening.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am having a really hard day today. My depression has gotten worse over the last week and I can't stop crying. Just this afternoon I have tried talking to two different people and feel like everything I said was wrong. I know they were trying to offer a different perspective to what I was talking about in my depression, but it just felt like what I was saying just wasn't being heard. I feel very alone right now. I am also experiencing grief and am so angry at the circumstances of my loved one's sudden death. So, I am so angry I am shaking and not breathing properly, to then being so overwhelmingly sad. I know it is the nature of these emotions, but it feels so rotten to have to be the one feeling them and not get the support you want in the moment you need it the most.

I just need to be heard today.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I can hear your need to be validated and sometimes that’s what we are needing when we try to talk about our experiences and emotions, but others sometimes give advice instead without validation. I hear and witness you. I think just let yourself feel what you need to feel. Sometimes that helps with the anger too. I recently did some screaming in my car which helped release anger, but obviously take care if you try that. I live in the country where there are quiet country roads so it makes that a bit easier. Throwing a pillow or cushion may also help. Just don’t hurt yourself in the process. Be kind to yourself too in the way I know you would be to others.

I wonder too about whether you are finding you are going over and over what happened to your loved one, trying to solve or prevent it in a way even though the time has passed? I have certainly done that and it’s helped to at least become aware of that and then the tendency starts to release and move a bit more towards acceptance.

I wonder if it would help to do a session with one of your mental health professionals where they just witness and be present with your emotions - such a simple thing but it can be so healing. My psychologist has done that several times with me where she has just been compassionately with me as I feel my emotions. The first time she did that it was the first time I’ve ever really cried and been truly vulnerable with another human being, one who could just be there with kindness. As a result of those experiences I can now be more present with myself and give myself the same kind of care, something that didn’t seem accessible before.

Just some thoughts in case they’re helpful. I hope you can have a gentle and peaceful evening. May you find some peace and self-care in the coming days.

Sending you a supportive hug 🤗 

ER

[quirkywords]

AbcO1
sorry to you have had a hard day. I like the way you are honest and try to change things in your life.

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray and quirkywords,

Thank you for your responses. You will never know just how much they matter.

I like the approach of screaming in your car. Or maybe I can go swimming and scream under the water. I am almost so angry I feel like I should pack up my and my dogs stuff, put it in my car and just go. Where? I don't know. But I just want to go. Knowing, I will always have to come back.

"I wonder too about whether you are finding you are going over and over what happened to your loved one, trying to solve or prevent it in a way even though the time has passed?" This is fairly accurate. I am analysing who had apart in it and what part they had in it. Even myself. And I am angry. Angry at different levels for the different involvements. It made me realise that something that is a part of my identity, may not have been executed as well as I had believed, by me. And it has shaken my confidence. I truly thought I was doing my 100% best and was certain no one could have done it better. And I only have two things in my life that I believe that to be true. So the anger made me question my ability, that made me believe I was the worst and that I should never have this as a part of my identity again. And I felt like I had lost a huge part of myself and I grieved that. But after a night's sleep, I now see it isn't as straight forward as that. But I certainly was naive. And I don't get a second chance with the loved one I have lost. With the hard lesson I have learnt.

So it is very complicated. I feel as if all these heavy emotions are chasing each others tails, and I don't have time to stop, rest or relax in between. They are right on each other's tails. So it is intense and all I can do is cry. Or be angry.

My mental health professionals are all on break for Christmas and I will be without them for at least 3 weeks. Which is terrifying to think I have to handle this on my own. Which is why I reached out yesterday.

And why I am grateful for your responses.

So thank you and I hope your days are better.

Grateful, ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Hi ABC01 and wave to Quirky,

Yes, screaming underwater is a good one. My psychologist mentioned that one to me. A couple of weeks ago I was listening to Rage Against the Machine. I also kicked a box of stuff around the floor for about an hour once. I’ve screamed into the wind at the ocean and have also looked at options for boxing equipment I can set up at home. The funny thing is for years I didn’t think I had any anger. There was heaps!

I know it is so hard to see it right now, but the intense emotions you are experiencing will eventually start to shift and change. Leading up to and following both my parent’s deaths there were so many awful things that happened - poor hospital treatment, extreme medical negligence, horrendous handling of my dad’s death by the coroner, family betrayal issues… It was simply unbelievable and I had so many reasons to be angry at so many people. I was also angry at myself as my mum’s carer that I couldn’t save her from the emotional pain that killed her. Her heart literally failed from emotional distress known as takutsubo cardiomyopathy. It happened right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it. I was then severely abused by my brother’s partner following her death because of her messed up issues. So I was in the midst of a nightmare for quite sometime. But I am coming out of it now and I know that’s because the love in my heart is greater than all the horror that’s happened. And I think that’s what allows you to rise above - to realise that life is a gift, you still have one and you can choose to cherish the beautiful things you’ve known and experienced.

Increasingly when I look back now I’m beginning to access more of the good memories both of loved ones who have passed but also of when times were better and other good experiences and people I’ve known. My body is remembering too, which brings more peace and a sense of agency and creativity back as well. In fact it is through the body remembering that the healing is enacted. As I’ve released certain awful experiences working with my psych, I’ve then found myself telling her about good experiences and memories I’d forgotten about that are now resurfacing. Allowing the painful emotions expression and release is what creates space for the remembering of good feelings and memories. Eventually you will be able to access the good memories of your loved one and this will begin to outweigh and eclipse the painful memories. For me that tipping point has begun where the pain is still there but powerful healing is forging its way through.

The thing about anger too is it sometimes brings out the assertiveness we need to take the reins of our life. The fact you wanted to pack up your things and just go with your dog is a good sign that you want things to change. Perhaps the challenge now is working out how to enact the change you want. Anger is energy and when channelled well and constructively it can actually be used to initiate some transformations. But gentleness is important too - the allowing of the sad emotions to be felt. So it’s ok to cry and to feel. I know it’s such a storm right now as you describe with the emotions chasing each other’s tails. But that’s your system trying to heal, so know that those emotions are trying to help you to find a new balance.

Grief doesn’t disappear but its form changes, even if that takes time and there is no set timescale by which it can be predicted. But I think continuing to allow yourself to feel and release will enact a process whereby transformation of a stricken, frozen grief state to a more tender, healing one will happen. I know it’s awful at the moment but see if you can trust in your system to guide you, that there is wisdom in emotional experience.

Take care ABC01 and sending you a supportive hug 🤗 

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you for your kind response about grief and anger.

 I feel it roaring through my body,squeezing my heart and making my breath hitch. The Anger can come on quite suddenly and then the tears after. It is horrible to feel it everyday right now. I have never felt it quite this intense or in longevity. It brings no enjoyment to my life and I feel quite stuck.

But hearing your experience, it makes things a little easier.

I am trying to be kind to myself. But am watching people around me prepare for xmas, and I have done nothing. And I won’t either. It is one of those pictures you see in a postcard,but behind it, nothing is quite as it seems. And I can’t find the energy to play that game this year. And I don’t care this year.

 I know you have mentioned how you spend xmas day, so I hope you have a good one,no matter what you do during this festive time. It is just one day and then it is all over. Life resumes again normally.

Thank you for your kindness,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

It is understandable that Christmas doesn’t feel the same for you this year. I think it’s ok to just let the feelings you have arise and to not try to do anything Christmas-like if you don’t feel like it.

I hope maybe you can find something peaceful to do that brings you some enjoyment, no matter how small. I’m going to just do a walk locally and enjoy being outdoors for a bit tomorrow, even though it’s forecast to be windy.

Take care and wishing you a peaceful day tomorrow,

ER