everything look perfect on the outside

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi I am new here, after months ( honestly years) of refusing to accknowlege I may be deppressed I thought I would give this a go.

From the outside I am very lucky I have a wonderful husband, beautiful health children. A home and people around me that care about me. But for some reason I have this hole inside of me a place that makes me forget the happiness I should feel for my life.

I feel guilty for feeling sad I have no right too. There are so many people who are doing it tough, they can find happiness why can't I?

How easy it is to pretend everything is fine, the front/face I put on every day. While inside I am scaried sad lost. Why is it easier to continue to pretend, than try to understand what's going on inside my head. I am not sure why it is easier to write than ever utter a word.

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks for the reply Leya. Much appreciated.

Joelle... I am sorry to hear you haven't been doing so well and feeling flat lately. always hapoy to listen if you would like to share with me. Well done on making it a year without doing anything, it's tough hey. I honestly thought after 12 years I would no longer have those thoughts anymore. So proud of you for making it his far take one step at a time.

Neil thanks for your advice. I have always found writing easier and maybe writing my thoughts down might help. I think I might also add a positive/something to be great ful for aswell I could do with reading those thoughts.

I spent so much time hiding those days and forgetting those days I have no intentions of re living it. When I really need help before my counsellor at the time wasn't there for me, Im not sure I can put myself out there again. It hurt so much to ask for help and to be told no or they don't want to. I know it there job and see it all the time. Stupid rhing is my GP is really great.

[Neil_1]

Hi Maggie Mae

Great to hear from you again.

Yes, it can have a detrimental effect, when we put ourselves out there only to be given a negative response – that is definitely not we were looking for and it can really put our progress on hold or even in reverse.

But it is very pleasing to hear you’ve got a good GP.

Another thing if I might suggest, there’s a great thread on the “Staying Well” forum here in the Beyond Blue forum site – just above this Depression one; it’s at the top of the list called: “Three things to be thankful for today”. It has some awesome things in there that a lot of people have written – perhaps if you’ve got some time, I think it’d be a good thing to just have a scroll through there for a while; and if you feel like it, to add your own. Or just by reading others, you’ll be able to think, “Hey yeah, I feel that as well”, or “Yes, I can definitely relate to that”.

As always, as long as you feel ok, then please do keep writing here.

Neil

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks Neil. Yes I have checked that thread out before, it's a good read!

[lookingforme]

Hey Maggie,

Thanks for the offer. I've been in this country I hate, surrounded by people I don't feel safe around, trying to keep depression at bay while studying for an exam that's on Thursday. I'm feeing a compounded pressure. Plus, I'm feeling the time. My plan is to get out of here maximum in a year's time, and psychiatrist and counsellor and friends all say focus on the exit, but two months have felt like two full years, longer actually, I've had years that went by faster. Thank you so much for your kind words. A year was hard, and to make it twelve, I am in awe actually. I always feel like I will fall off the wagon, so your story gives me hope that I may not.

I know it is scary and hard to put yourself out there with such difficult thoughts, thoughts that you don't really want to acknowledge. After having him for a year, I only just told my psychiatrist about my history, and that was at the insistence of my counsellor, just so that I have someone here who knows everything, so I have a point of contact. I don't have friends here and my family, not so great when it comes to a lot of things. I almost backed out myself, had massive anxiety, was kept waiting....but I knew how bad my headspace was (is) that if I didn't speak out, it wouldn't end well for me.

I think it's great that you think your GP is great, that is one huge thing to put in the "pro" column. I have told you this before, it is very much a decision we have to come to ourselves, we are here to only support you on the way. But it is something you definitely do at your own pace, when you are ready. It took me 20 calls before I followed through with speaking to someone on the BeyondBlue hotline...and a long time before I agreed to consider talking to someone. I think it amounted to about 6 months between my first thought of getting help, to actually getting help.

How is the writing helping you (if you don't mind me asking)? And, how are you?

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks so much for sharing Joelle, how long are you here for? Where are you originally from? ( if you don't mind me asking)

it's tough being in an area your not comfortable being, surround by people you aren't sure about. Taking it one day at a time and focusing on study might help.

A year is awesome, and honestly it's the hardest. For me once the 'issue' I was dealing with was gone(I moved away) it was easier to deal with life without any need for it. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

As for me I am doing ok...... I am taking it a day at a time and trying not to think about the past as its not helping me with my current situation. Ideally I would like to re bury it and forget about it all again. I have been writing a bit but I find it just gets me thinking more and more inside my head which doesn't seem to help. I am trying to keep busy.

[lookingforme]

Hey, thanks for listening. It is always appreciated. I am a Sri Lankan who grew up in the UAE, and this is where I am now. I hate it here. The people I don't feel safe around are my parents. Everything started here, you know? Started, grew, concentrated, everything. I know things will get better when I leave, because the situational cause to my depression may go, but I have a max year for that to happen.

I thought last year was the toughest of my life, I say it's this year, and we haven't even got through 6 months yet. One day at a time is all I can manage anyway at the moment.

I'm glad you are doing okay, and taking it aa day at a time helps. But (and this is from my perspective), burying it may not be the best option? For the sole reason that it doesn't deal with the problem at hand. Everyone's natural instinct is to ignore and bury until we think it's out of the way, but as you have felt recently, the same thoughts from years ago can suddenly sideswipe you. And you're at a loss because you thought it was over. This is the third time I'm 1 year into abstaining. My third time. Getting on meds and seeing a psychologist helped me sort of slow my brain down just before that tipping point where I snowball and do it. And part of that was recognizing that I was going that way, deciding to make that decision. Maybe, maybe, confronting rather than burying the underlying issues may work better? Of course, if you have no solutions to the unearthed problems...well...for another time maybe? I'm sorry, I don't think any of that was actually helpful.

[Maggie_Mae]

Joelle I am sorry to hear it is your parents you don't feel safe around, I do hope you have a good support network that you can turn to when needed. Must be a big change being over here. One day at a time is all you needed to do because tomorrow you will be closer you goal then you were today or yesterday. Hang in there.

Burying the problem is what I do best. Being 15 was bad enough the first time not wanting to relive the pain. I don't think I can deal with it all now.

[lookingforme]

Hey Maggie...

I don't actually have much of a support system here. All my friends are in Aus so...I have a psychiatrist I see once a month. That's pretty much it. It was a big change, I have been here a year now and I still don't feel like I fit in. A lot of judgement behind people, or my projection of it on them aimed at myself. I guess everyone, in my head, is judging me. Not a lot of uniqueness is encouraged. I am trying, though most of the time, the way seems blocked.

I know the feeling too. That pain. I haven't yet had anything to compare it to. So I understand you not being ready. But, and there is a difference here - an important one, you sound like you are still open to the idea. If not now, then maybe down the road. I hope you're finding some comfort in these forums though.

[Maggie_Mae]

Joelle I can see why you are finding it hard, how are things going with you psychiatrist? It know it's tough now but focus on the goal, you have gotten through a year what's a few more months. You have a lot of strength the way I was struggling and you helped me without hesitation. You've got this one day at a time.

[lookingforme]

I only got fully comfortable telling him everything last session which was about two weeks ago. Mainly because I was heading down a really bad path and the counsellor who speaks to me (open unis student), suggested I have someone who knows everything in the same country as me. Trouble is recently, I've got so caught up in surviving the very short term that the goal is completely skewed, is it just to survive or thrive? 3 months ago, I wanted to thrive. Now it is literally about survival.

Thank you for your confidence it me. Your last sentence sparked a words to a Macklemore song that I like. It goes "one day at a time is what they tell us, no I gotta find a way to tell them...we fall so hard, now we got to get back what we looooosttt. I thought, you'd gone, but you were with me all alooong, all alooo-ooong." Good thing you can't tell I can't sing on here. wait...