everything look perfect on the outside

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi I am new here, after months ( honestly years) of refusing to accknowlege I may be deppressed I thought I would give this a go.

From the outside I am very lucky I have a wonderful husband, beautiful health children. A home and people around me that care about me. But for some reason I have this hole inside of me a place that makes me forget the happiness I should feel for my life.

I feel guilty for feeling sad I have no right too. There are so many people who are doing it tough, they can find happiness why can't I?

How easy it is to pretend everything is fine, the front/face I put on every day. While inside I am scaried sad lost. Why is it easier to continue to pretend, than try to understand what's going on inside my head. I am not sure why it is easier to write than ever utter a word.

[topsy_]

Hi Maggie Mae,

You've been given lots of good advice above. I just wanted to clarify that your belief that you have failed is the voice of the depression saying that. It feels like it is your own voice, but it belongs to the black dog of depression.

If you can see a GP he might prescribe antidepressants. When they become effective your thinking will change. Counselling will help further.

You have said it's usually you who helps people. Two things about that

1. Imagine you are one of those people. Why would you not treat yourself at least as kindly? You are worth it.

2. If you deal with this ugly depression you will have even greater understanding of people's suffering & be better placed to continue to help others.

Please take special care of yourself. Sending kind thoughts to you, Lyn.

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi Neil, thanks for you response. I understand what you are saying about a broken leg, I was referring to of depression was a disease/illness like a broken leg it would be so much easier for me to understand.

Everyone says what a big step it is to write on here to me it's not a can hide behind my screen name and I can type think about what I want to say. But talking face to face to people is so much harder. I can see their reaction. I can see how when I say I am not sure why I am sad the confusion on their face. People's reactions is so much harder to bear than anything I say to myself, they confirm what I am thinking. I wiah I had the strength like you have all had to go to a GP and ask for help. How do I trust someone with my most private thoughts?

[Maggie_Mae]

I am aware it may sound like I don't want help or am making excuses.

i honestly do want to be happy, I am just so frightened of the unknown. Frightened the GP will laugh at me or look at me like I am crazy. I have no courage to face that.

[lookingforme]

Remember, a GP will have to keep your most private thoughts, private. If you don't think that your GP is really listening to you, you can always change GPs.

I understand your hesitance when it comes to telling people in your world, face to face. What it comes down to it, you sort of have to help yourself without the added stress of how people will see you because of it. I know it's hard. As I mentioned before, I only very recently told my family, and I imagined the same things. My family can't even say the word depression, there is such a stigma around it for them. But, this is about your mental health at the end of the day.

It seems like the only thing holding you back is that question of why, which holds so much gravity and power, you can get caught up in it. Let me draw a parallel: You are a logical person. When you cannot understand a concept, continuously asking yourself why will not get you the answer because you are continuously trying to understand this concept with the same tools you had the first time you tried to understand it. The logical next step is to expand the tools that can help you to understand.

So, depression is the concept, which has a large variety of answers. There are a lot of reasons why one can have it, and when we ourselves cannot see a direct line of causality we get stuck in the rut of questioning why. The reasons may be due to things we never even considered. Too many variables to account for. So,we get help, by: 1. Reaching out on here to ask people who can truly understand - we expand our knowledge base. 2. We reach out to a GP who can give us more information on why. Can give you tools to make the concept easier to accept. And then, we can start to isolate and explain how or why depression can exist in us. It could be as simple as "my brain is that way" or it could be due to some repressed memory or something (I'm just throwing things out there), or a combination of things.

Personally, I like telling people answers before giving them any news of any kind. So, not knowing why was a huge barrier for me to overcome. I still have problems with it. But, with the support of a GP and a psychologist, I can accept that I have depression more, and that helps a lot. I am actually at a place where I can talk about it to people. I couldn't look people in the eye before. I hope you can find your way to such a place.

Joelle

[Neil_1]

Dear Maggie Mae

Thank you so much for you latest responses, i’m hearing you loud and clear on your thoughts.

Firstly, the part about writing as opposed to talking.

Quick diversion first – I was watching a show last night; two ‘ex-footballers’ were being interviewed. Player A was mentioned to having a massive library of books and that he is a well-read person yada yada yada; Player B was asked about books and he said, he’ll read the sports pages, but that lasts for about 30 seconds, said he’d much rather talk to someone; have a good old yak.

I thought that’s interesting, as I am in Player A’s camp with this. I do have a lot of books and I really do enjoy a good book and to get immersed in it. Player B actually is a person from the country and so I could see him as a person who would love to meet up with someone else and have a good old chat. I was from the country originally as well, and my parents were great for the ‘talk’ factor. I remember my Dad would always ask Mum, after she’d been into town, “Who’d you see?” Then things would roll on from there.

For me, if I see someone in the street or the shops, I’ll do all I can to avoid being seen. Weird eh!

Actually I think that diversion relates to your saying about it easier being to write than it is to talk.

I do hope that by you coming on here, you feel ok in doing this and that even in some small way, it is helping.

On this site, you can look up GP’s and hopefully you can find one in your area – these GP’s have a good background of dealing with mental health issues and as such, you won’t find anyone who will laugh at you (I’d be appalled actually if ANY gp were to find anything funny about mental health). These are GP’s who will listen and understand and coming from that, will hopefully be able to advise and guide you for what steps to take from here.

I’m a great one for writing things down; have a shocking memory (um, what was I saying? There you go, I told you 🙂 so it might help you a bit if you were to write things down, or even take some dot points from what you’ve written here, so you can take them along to your GP. Just as a prompter if you forget something, or you can read it out or you can give it to the GP to read – entirely up to you.

Ok, I feel like I’m pushing you now and I don’t want that … so I’ll end for the moment, but would really love to hear back from you. Remember also, this is just my suggestion, no need to act on it.

Neil

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi Neil, thanks for your response.

Just a quick question, Does it ever get easier to talk about depression and anxiety?

[Bobbi]

Hi Maggie Mae. Welcome to BB. It's great that you've reached out on here. It does seem easier to write that to talk to people about having depression. It's a very good starting point.

If you're concerned about having depression (a medical illness just as diabetes is a medical illness) you need to go to a doctor and tell her/him about whats going on. Wouldn't you go to the doctor is you had the flu or stomach pains or even diabetes? Often people feel embarrassed about having depression because its labelled a 'mental illness'. This doesn't do any favours for those of us who do suffer from it. We can feel like outsiders or weird or outcasts even.

Depression is a physical illness just like every other illness. This one is the brain not working properly. I hope this helps with the guilt feelings. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you're ill. People with the flu don't feel guilty about having the flu; people with diabetes don't feel guilty for having diabetes. They go to the doctor and get treatment.

Please consider making a doctors appointment for yourself. Depression doesn't get better as life goes on, it gets worse if not treated properly. So the longer you leave it, the longer it will take to get better and the more likely it is to come back.

For me, I found it important to educate myself about depression. I read everything I could find. Now I understand that it is the chemicals in my brain not working properly. I have very little control over that. There is no on off switch. All we can do is to learn the tools that help us when we are depressed. There is a lot of information on this website to read about depression and lots of ideas and tools you can try for yourself in these posts.

It's not easy living with depression, but it can be done. Support is so very important. You may find that some of your family members are struggling with depression. You might be able to support each other through the difficult times.

[Maggie_Mae]

So I made a GP appointment I couldn't even ring up had to book online ( pathetic I know)

scared as hell is this normal?

[lookingforme]

Yes, it is normal. I was scared when I first went because it was the first time I was really acknowledging something was wrong with me and I couldn't fix it by myself. So, yes.

Well done on taking that step, I know that it took a lot for you to do that, and you are certainly not pathetic. You are going and that's what matters. Do you feel a little relieved also that you have made this decision after a lot of ruminating? My first appointments with GPs psychs, I wrote everything and read and couldn't really look them in the eye, and I thought I was pathetic too. But then, so what if I couldn't look them in the eye or had to read, I still have to really. It doesn't matter how you made the appointment, you took the hardest step, and you should be proud of it.

[lookingforme]

it may not mean much coming from a faceless (though my pic is up...) stranger, but I am proud of you.