everything look perfect on the outside

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi I am new here, after months ( honestly years) of refusing to accknowlege I may be deppressed I thought I would give this a go.

From the outside I am very lucky I have a wonderful husband, beautiful health children. A home and people around me that care about me. But for some reason I have this hole inside of me a place that makes me forget the happiness I should feel for my life.

I feel guilty for feeling sad I have no right too. There are so many people who are doing it tough, they can find happiness why can't I?

How easy it is to pretend everything is fine, the front/face I put on every day. While inside I am scaried sad lost. Why is it easier to continue to pretend, than try to understand what's going on inside my head. I am not sure why it is easier to write than ever utter a word.

[Maggie_Mae]

I have written a lot of things down and plan on take it with me incase I can't say it out loud.

[lookingforme]

Good plan

[lookingforme]

Hi Maggie, just wondering how your appointment went?

If you don't want to answer, no stress, just checking up.

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks for asking Joelle.

not how I had hoped I ended up freezing and pretending to have a sore throat. Then sitting in my car crying, My brain decided that it would be a good time to dig up all those events and memories I had burried so far down.i thought they had been erased from my memory. Clearly not!

On th up side Think I have figured out why I am so scared now but still not making me feel any less pathetic for not being able to go through with GP.

Again thanks for thinking if me

[lookingforme]

Hey Maggie,

Aw...that's okay. Even though you didn't follow through, there was definitely a positive; that you figured out why you're scared. That is progress hidden in all the pain. And we need to cling on to those like life buoys in high waves.

Our brains tend to do that, don't they? Pile onto how you're feeling with as much as it can dig up from the past. Maybe, you have answered your own surprise with this reaction? Burying the events and memories, it never really works. Maybe for a moment but not in the long term, no matter how long that term is. Something to think about.

I also know we use such harsh words to describe ourselves, especially to ourselves. Any shortcoming gets magnified a thousand fold and we dwell on it and stew in our own distaste. I have grown up with the saying, "treat others as you would like to be treated yourself." I generally agree with this. What I forget, and I'm seeing signs from you, is that I don't treat myself the way I would like others to treat me. So, one set of rules for others, one set of rules for me. I can know this in every way possible, but putting it into action? Still very difficult for me. A start could be the words we use for ourselves. You are not pathetic. You made this incredibly difficult decision, and you worked your way up to it and you tried. That is never pathetic. This time, you were unable to follow through, but you are already closer now than you ever were before. Plus, you learned something from it. It is okay that you got scared, and that you cried. So maybe, we remove one word from that special dictionary we keep from ourselves, just one. Pathetic.

I hope you are okay

Joelle

[Neil_1]

Hi there Maggie Mae,

I’m so sorry I’ve not been back to your thread for sometime, I have no excuse – but I’m back and here now.

Absolutely awesome that Joelle has come on board and has been providing you with some fantastic responses. I hope you’ve really read those messages, cause they are well worth reading a couple of times.

And yes, I too have noticed you use the term ‘pathetic’ towards yourself and as Joelle said, all too often we do that to ourselves – but in actual fact, it’s the depression that does that to us – this is not who you really are. You are definitely not pathetic. All I’ve read on here from you, tells me you’re a wonderful caring thoughtful person who’s dealing with this awful illness.

You’ve made some great advancements in the last number of weeks – that you got so close to getting to a Dr was brilliant.

Can I just say, that if for some reason I have had to contact my neighbour, I’ll do it via email rather than go and see them. I don’t call that pathetic, but more so weird – as the fear of talking to someone (who I get on very well with) is just too great to meet up with them in person.

Hope that’s a slight comparison with going to the doctor, which I know is stressful and can take a lot of effort and courage.

I hope the next time you make the appointment, you’ll be able to get that little bit further. They will understand, when you’re there and will do everything I would believe to make you feel as comfortable and safe – and if you’ve got that all written down, then yes, if you don’t feel comfortable reading it, I would pass it to them.

And to answer your question, does it get easier talking about it? I find that it can – but that can all depend on who you’re talking too. Finding one or two who you know well can be a major positive for you, so you can unload a little with them. Failing that, there is always the option of writing – email, etc.

Love to hear from you again. I’ll be here from now on for you.

Neil

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks for you kind words Joelle and Neil. Means a lot to know someone is there and actually listening to me.

Am hearing you loud and clear about using the certain words to describe my self and action. But it's how I feel. I can stand up and talk to people, I can be strong and help my children do anything. But the thought of me telling a GP I have depression scaried me so much.

I know it comes from asking for help before and not getting it instead getting that look of pity or the comment of cheer up. I am not sure I can do it again. This attempt left me sitting in my car crying wanting to self harm (somethjng I haven't done in 12years) I didn't and proud of myself for dealing with the emotional pain in a better way. However it did bring back all the memories as why i was doing it then. I am not sure I want to try another GP appiontment. I might not be as strong next time.

Thanks for taking the time to read this I know it's not making a lot of sense.

[Neil_1]

Dear maggie mae,

Thank you so much for your latest response.

Believe it or not, you made a lot of sense and I can get a feel for how you’re travelling at the moment and that isn’t an overly good one – just my thoughts on what I’m reading.

Do you think that this might help? But only if you feel comfortable in doing so – but at the moment (now I’m thinking out loud) it might not be as good an idea as what I initially thought, cause things seem to be quite severe for you at this time. I was going to mention about possibly journaling how you’re feeling?

Just in an exercise book or something; or hells bells, these days, why not open up a word document and start typing. Date it at the top, so you can have it as a record. Save it somewhere safe, and where only you will know where it is – or if you do write, a book and put it in a safe place.

But just write down how you feel now – hey, how you felt the other day in the lead-up to your appointment?

What thoughts you had that made you consider self-harming again? DEFINITELY write down the fact that you didn’t and put it in bold as to how proud you felt of yourself in achieving that – which I must say maggie mae, was a massive thing for you and that is awesome that you were able to stop yourself from doing that.

Another thought here – for what is seemingly happening with you internally, it seems that there’s a lot of baggage from the past that you’re carrying and that it’s not that far from the surface. So much so, that some of it raised to near the surface the other day for you. Those kinds of things are the things that we attend psychologists/psychiatrists for – to begin to unload to them; so that we can do it in a safe environment and then we hope to be provided with appropriate and helpful responses and also hopefully some coping mechanisms to help deal with those as we go forward.

For your initial GP visit, I wouldn’t be thinking you’d need to go to any major detail about your past – just to give them a bit of a summary of how things are at the moment for you; but to say that yes, there are underlying issues which you’d hope not to go into at this time. Stemming from that, I would hope they’d be able to provide you with an appropriate referral to a suitable counsellor.

But please maggie mae, I’m not or hope that I’m not pushing – but am just concerned for you and am hoping that I might be able to say something that will help.

Please keep writing.

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Maggie,

Neil brings up one of the most powerful tools (for me) that I've ever had when I was going through my depression on my own. It always felt like I never existed, but on those pages, my words, they reminded me I had a voice, I had thoughts and feelings, I had substance. Being completely honest though, I eventually tired of it because I was saying the same story over and over, and not even differently. Last year, I even had a semi public blog. I put it up so my friends who said they cared could keep tabs on me without having to ask that same old question "how are you" and either getting too little or too much from me. Maybe, if you are up for it, give it a go.

Wow, 12 years and still you didn't do it. Remember that you didn't do it. You have strength. I have one year under my belt, and I have come so close so often that I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. But still, I try to remember. If I forget I may lose myself completely.

I apologise if thise response seems flat, I haven't been doing too well recently. I wonder, if you would consider (and like Neil said, not pushing, just concerned) working retroactively. Find a psychologist first, start up a dialogue in an environment you know will be safe for you and then find a GP? If you aren't comfortable with our current GP, there are a few listed on here (not sure if I've mentioned it before) who are more sensitive to mental health. I found one through here and could not have been happier with him, as I have had a bad experience under my belt. This is exactly how I started. After a few weeks though, my psych said it would be best for me to have a GP as well. Essentially, put in place my mental health "team."

I have come to understand, in my travels, that all these pieces we put together for ourselves and our mental health, they only get you so far on their own, but altogether, can be quite beneficial. Even if you take it one little piece at a time, it's okay, however slowly you go. The important thing that you should remind yourself of is that you are trying. What you couldn't do that day, you may be able to do a little bit down the line, don't discount what you can do just because you haven't yet done it.

I hope that makes sense.

You do have strength in you , a lot. You just haven't learned to harness it for yourself properly, yet.

[Leya22]

Hi Maggie Mae,

I'm a bit further along my depression journey than you are, but also new to the forum. I just want to give you a little bit of my story, in the hope that you can relate to some timy part of it & know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I vividly remember one time that my depression was 'outed' by a GP I went to see for an unrelated issue. It was a walk in clinic so I had never met her before, she asked a question that hit a raw nerve, (if i recall i wanted a script for the pill & she asked if i was sexually active) I gave a short answer, looked away & started fidgeting to stop myself from crying, I took my sunglasses off my head & put them in my bag, she saw me out of the corner of her eye & thought I had stolen something from her!! I completely lost my composure then, it was either openly cry & admit where I was emotionally, or get hauled out by the police accused of stealing. I figured option 1 was the least embarrassing choice!

Anyway, she did some depression screening on me & reffered me to a psychologist. This particular low point was a bad one, BUT, I knew why I was so low, I'd been sacked from my job interstate, forced to come home & leave a lot of stuff behind, i came home to find my husband no longer wanted to be married (this is why the sexually active question hit a raw nerve) & that while I was away working he had ben cheating. My point is that having a REASON for being depressed is one thing, & can be very hard to get on top of. But looking at your life, and thinking to yourself, why do I feel like this? I have nothing to complain about! That makes it sooooooo much harder to deal with, & makes you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

My first post on here was of a similar vein to yours, I too have a great life, people look from the outside & see it's all rosy they see that I am so lucky to have the lifestyle that I have, I don't underestimate that AT ALL! I am lucky in many ways, but I also have depression, & some days I feel like I have nothing, feel like I AM nothing.

Depression dose not discriminate, depression does not care if you have it all or nothing. Depression takes everything from you, the more you have, the more you have to lose by not trying to get on top of it, you have made the hardest step, the step where you admit it to yourself that something isn't right, we'll done beautiful girl! From here on it's one foot in front of the other & you can do that my darling. Xox

Leya x