Compounded depression.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi, I've been a member of Beyond Blue for several years, although, it's been sometime since I have logged into my account. I have been battling my problems alone. Now I am back because, I'm really feeling a new low. Just when you think things can't get any worse and the only way from the bottom is up - bang something else in life punches in you face. This was another of those days. It would be nice to connect with someone on here that understands what it's like to suffer depression, someone that you don't have to explain why it's happening. If we knew why, we would fix ourselves and we wouldn't need such services. My partner often asks "what can I do to help?". There is no answer to that question. Some of use are susceptible to depression through many reasons, there is not just one single answer. I am a musician - and today we are the last on the list to find our new "Covid Normal". Musicians don't get a mention. The arts sector sits on the bottom of essential services, yet so many turn to music for comfort. Why is that? Why are we on the bottom of the pile while then called upon as the first to help and cure wounded spirits and sad and lonely souls? That's just the way it is. Today, my depression was compounded. To take my mind off depression and Covid (And the worlds problems) I purchased a secondhand electronic drum kit. The guy seemed honest. You see there is a shortage of such devices, everything is on "back order" or I would have purchased a new unit. I get it home and at first I was happy, over joyed, excited. "Wow what a get instrument, what a great honest seller. " That soon turned to despair when I discovered a fault in the unit and this great honest person turn out to be another rouge seller, palming off his faulty goods to the unsuspecting. Trusting people is a problem. Honesty is a dying commodity, integrity, to some, it doesn't matter. They just don't care. I asked for my money back, but no, apparently he was un-aware of the fault although the kit was only used a couple of times. So my new broken drum kit, that was to help me, distract me, sits as a reminder never to trust people. No mater how honest you are, mentally projecting your values on others, giving them your values is a mistake. Money is all that seems to matter. What a sad world we live in where money is valued more than ones on integrity. They don't loose any sleep, we do for being foolish and to trusting.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi therising,

I've been having a couple of down days. What am I talking about, every day is a down day, it's just a matter of degree. You know the spectrum where 1 is great and 10 is blinds closed. (Coupled with the thoughts of self harm). I'm here because I am struggling, this is my Facebook with a difference, I don't have to pretend I am always great. (Plus Zuckerberg is not 'Data mining' with algorithms because if he does they break and somewhere in Facebook head office a Server catches on fire) Nice one! 🙂

Now I have a confession. For some reason, I thought you were male. All the times you have been writing to me I've been thinking I've been writing to a male. When you just described yourself as 'gal', this 'gay' got a shock. Now I'm a bit confused. I don't know why I just assumed you were male. (I know, it shouldn't matter) I will adjust, moving on.

I must say you write so well. The reason I mentioned it because I enjoy writing and I can clearly tell you are very well educated and write eloquently. I also assume you are a ferocious reader. My great uncle was a well know Australian writer. He wrote on various topics for some 50 years in a major newspaper. His book is still in print today. Loving writing myself, it was more than a thrill to discover he was a writer. (I didn't even know and only found out 2 years ago by accident) As I said, my family was blasted apart into fragments. My auntie suddenly died for an alcohol induced seizure 2 years ago, and during a phone conversation with her surviving sister she mentioned this writer in the family.

The other day I was writing a poem. I showed it to someone and asked them what do they think. (Mistake) It's okay for Shakespeare to write lines that leaves one puzzled. Some can be open to interpretation like most poetry, but if your a no-body apparently your work has to be explained. I said to my mother, do you walk up to a painting and say "I don't understand it?" her reply "Yes, I do some of it is rubbish" (I'll have to agree there)

So I started to re-write my poem, moving words and sentences around. Now I was doing this on a computer. (As we all do today) The only problem, when I finished, I couldn't tell if it was better or worse. 😞

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi mb20Lover,

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with Major Depressive Disorder and more. . .

I'm the same. I see a psyche and have been for several years. Finally one day I said to him "So what what do I have - what's my diagnosis?" He replied "What do you want". 🙂 (True story)

I said "I don't know, do I have bipolar?" "Yes he says" I then ask "one or two" He replies "two". It was like being at an action. "Someone give me one, going once, any more bids on one, can I hear two, two in the corner, we are now selling. . . going once for two, twice - Sold! Bipolar two to the dribbler in the corner"

I kinda agree with you depression is and can cross over into many other illnesses. For example, I suffer from anxiety. I have had many major panic attacks. I was thinking just today, what would I rather a panic attack or depression. Depression wins. (Panic attacks, wow they are something else!) For more than a decade anxiety dogged me after my first major panic attack. They can be the most frightening thing ever, because you think you are going to die. So what does one do when they think they are dying, fall to your knees and start praying. This is exactly what happened to me. My girlfriend at the time was like "Oh just go to bed an have a lay down" I was "No way, take me to hospital" Talk about scary. I would never have believed that they (anxiety) would eventually turn off, but it has for me at the moment. That is a blessing, one that I am extremely grateful for.

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

I can relate to what you say about interacting with someone on the forums only to find they are a different gender than what I imagined. You can almost hear your brain calculating 'Okay, now what have I said?' All good 🙂

I'm not much of a reader of novels, more a passionate info seeker. I love to know how I work, more than anything. I think this need to know came about when I first came out of depression some years ago. I wanted to know more about my mind/brain, body and natural self. Been a bit of a rabbit hole thing. You think you're simply beginning a basic investigation until you realise, bamm, you're going off in all directions. I've found one of my favourite people on my quest to be Dr Joe Dispenza. Not sure if I've already mentioned him. I have all his books.

I also love poetry. No real favourites that I can think of. I simply love feeling words, the emotion they generate. In my opinion, there's no wrong or right way to write. Everyone receives poetry differently, so you'll always get a variety of opinions. You can write something that means the world to you and 100 people can read it, with 99 of them turning their nose up at it. The one person who feels it, who gets it, may be the person whose life is changed by it. That is powerful. For the 99, it is their loss not to be able to receive it in the same way. Wondering whether a poem I've written is complete can be enough to drive me a little crazy. I can look back on some things I've written and think 'What the..' and then I can look back on other poems/writings and be left astounded by the beauty of them, thinking 'Okay, I think my soul was in top form on that day'.

I find the way words form us and reform us to be undeniably powerful. Imagine saying to a child who questions just about everything 'I know you are wonderful because you are obviously full of wonder. You're like a wonder doughnut, jam packed'. Imagine the expression on their face. It would not be hard for them to believe they are wonderful, given such words. Now imagine someone saying, on a regular basis 'Stop asking so many questions! What's wrong with you?!' Not hard to imagine the expression on that child's face and them believing 'There is something wrong with me'. How sad, to be led to the belief that such wonder is a fault, as opposed to a gift.

To be a wordsmith, a poet, a composer of meaning through words is also a gift. Revel in this gift of yours as you play with it through a variety of emotions.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi therising,

Do you have any poetry to share? 🙂

I wrote some a political poem a couple of weeks ago, possibly a little too hard hitting for this forum. I'm a song writer one who has lost his path atm. In fact, it's been that way, way too long.
I wrote a poem about the toilet paper fiasco for a local Facebook competition. I came equal third, yet if I had of liked my own poem, I would have won. The prize? A box of super quality mint condition paper shipped straight to my door from a toilet paper making guru from India. Hand made. I should never run for politics not voting for myself - even Trump voted for himself, 140 thousand times. (I'm kidding relax) 🙂

I should post the poem here. If I can find it.

It can't be too far, less than walking distance. 🙂 (Motivation)

Can you share your cure for depression or have you already written about it? I have this urge to write a BB song. (Motivation) 🙂 This is like a Seinfeld episode, I'm literally writing about nothing. (Motivation)

I was like you - same story with the firewater. Glad that nightmare is behind me.

I once did a 60 day juice only diet. Lost an astonishing amount of weight. So, I did it again. Some months later. I was going to do 100 days but thought, that might be pushing things. (Motivation) 🙂

I should post my poem. (Motiv..... A tion) 😞

I think I will just work on my BB song. I have to decide on a genre, metal, smooth jazz, country - 'lost my dog, the wife left me' or latin, possibly a Beyond Blue tango. With a tango as long as you have a few cow bells - slap in some funky bass. Tango's are written with the Clave feel - either a 2;3 or 3;2. Please memorise that. haha

I have this compulsion to complete the 2500 words. How can I fill them. Ad lib!

I was reading the other day about grammar in particular comma's and the use of. The advice from the book said this and I must say this would definitely apply to me and what I write here on BB. "When in doubt leave them out" They can muddy the clean lines of the written word. You only have to look at any well written experienced writer and you can see they use them sparingly. I have been studying grammar! Ouch!

When you get your head into that wonder field of mind numbing conjunctions, guess what happens. (Motivation).

You have your interjections, love em! Then there's the all glorious determiners, they pack a punch. Adverbs are funnily, enough to, make you wanna pronoun yourself to sleep. Zzzzz..

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

The English language does my head in sometimes. My daughter studied English Language as a VCE subject this year and listening to her study left me thinking this language is seriously insane. I have great admiration for people who learn it later in life, as a 2nd language.

Congrats on the toilet paper prize! I can imagine writing about toilet paper would have been both challenging and amusing. Myself, I'm not so active in the way of writing poetry these days. It's a bit like how I'm no longer active in painting on canvas either. I believe some things to be seasonal. Our passions come around again when it's time for us to connect to them. I've found, you can't force these natural abilities. I admit to feeling like there is some form of personal expression missing in my life. Maybe it's the writing. Anyhow, here we go (I say, as I rub my psychological hands together)...

As I sit within the Aether, I hear the birds now pierce its being,

as the sun arises gradually, to shed light upon the day.

How shall I use the hours that are gifted to me here,

will I waste them or use them, in some deep and soulful way?

Will I take the day for granted, like I've done so many times,

or will I live this day, these hours, as though they are my last?

Will I say 'To hell with everything' and fearlessly be me

or will I live within conditions and the confines of my past?

As I sit within the Aether, I hear the birds now pierce its being.

Back to earth, here I come now, out of thoughts of who to be.

Will I agree to use the day carefree and as myself.

To begin with, I shall set to wondering 'Who is me?'

There you go. You've triggered both the poet and the philosopher in me. Few have the ability to do this. I am grateful. By the way, if I was asked to perfect this little piece, I could easily spend hours on it, making it more graphic and emotional. Time, there just doesn't seem to be enough of it these days. Hang on, here we go, here comes the philosopher in me again...It is said time is merely nothing more than a construct, designed by man to be adhered to. Yes, I must adhere to it now, as it's 7:08am and I'm about to have breakfast with my 15yo son. Trying to create a solid routine for the both of us, as I haven't been using the construct of time too constructively lately. Am a little all over the place. There's only so much 'winging it as a free spirit' one can do before a lack of responsibility catches up, in the form of anxiety. Balance is key!

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Hello therising,

Hey, thanks for this message. I was personally and mentally stuck, cognitively. Thanks for sharing that poem.
When I was reading it, lyrically I just thought it was brilliant. I could hear the music writing itself in my head. I honestly thought I could easily work that into a great song, by adding music. This is the type of writing that bounces with a pulse.
I really am blown away. 🙂 Thanks!
It's not easy putting yourself out there for others. I’m pausing here because I have been struggling with self-doubt. I'm not normally hesitant on the keyboard. I'm trying to find that happy medium, self-doubt grrrrr!
If I can play philosopher myself – yeah why haven’t I posted the poems, answer fear. (Actually, if was deeper, but I’ll leave it there)
I’m glad you use the phrase that I have describing English grammar. When I read the syntax – I just get lost. The more you learn about grammar the insane it gets. It has no standardisation between versions UK American and the terminology is so messaged up. Helping verbs, Auxiliary Verbs, frustrates me to a whole new level. I’m trying to see the big picture, you know so then you can look down at it go “oh right, now I see it”. It’s a moment of special revolution in the mind when the penny drops. Grammar is like being lost in a forest. (I take mine in minor doses. )
The thing is that has become clear is we already know the grammar.
I also wrote a couple of poems. One called Beyond Blue another Life. I would love to read move of your work. co-writing musically with someone - it's like magic. (Especially with such great material)
Again, I can’t say how much I loved your writing. I may have mentioned the confusion I found myself in writing one of my political poems. I let someone read it. (Doubt) Before I knew it (and coupled with using a word processer) I realized the more I edited, the more I could not tell if I was actually improving the poem or destroying it. It had morphed before my eyes. With no written copy of what I started with and no foresight to think to so save first second drafts (just edit on the fly) left me lost. Pen and paper, hooray! Now I'm going to have to post my poems.
The fear of everyone on planet earth never speaking to you. The title of my new book. The Shunned. (It's of course a horror story) Can I just end with little self analysis, I get that sometimes people don't get me. I use dark humour, The two make me crazy legally though. Thanks 🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Life.

Pictures that flash through the mind
They are there to constantly remind,
Who we are presently.

What’s the point in pretending
In the life that we’re spending,
Who we are trying to be.

The clock keeps on ticking
You worry what your missing,
I wonder about the future me.

What is supposed to happen
You seem to be always grappling,
Don’t you positively agree?

You get stuck in your thinking
As your life’s slowly shrinking,
It’s not always positivity.

As soon as you learn more
You’ll forget it, that’s for sure,
A life, an inevitably.

There’s no point in pretending
Start or miss the ending,
Don’t forget, your credibility.

Would you want to predict
Ambiguous inner conflict,
It’s about life.
Just you?
Yes, just you!
Yes, just you and me.

Infinite Faith © 2020

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

I love your work, I truly do. Anything that speaks to the soul brings me pure joy.

PaPaWO.org. You raised me to more than a smile. Brilliant! Personally, I love to do whatever I like with words. I've had people say to me 'You can't redefine a word'. Oh, yes I can! I figure, if words have the power to shape us in negative ways, then they have the power to reform us in positive ways:

DISAPPOINTMENT

Typically, disappointment tends to be about being let down and the frustration or sadness that comes with this. In my mind, it has a little more meaning. If someone appoints me or I appoint them to a particular role, the role has to be realistic and achievable. If not, there is an inevitable disappointment from that role. One of my mantras, 'Don't appoint someone a role they are not going to play or fill'. The idea is to find a person who will accept the appointment. By the way, I've happily disappointed myself form certain roles over the years. Disappointment can be a truly liberating experience when done well. Another word...

LOVE

I define love as being found in evolution. It is an uplifting experience. Of course, it's actually in the word itself, EVOLution. With so much talk about love here and there, I thought one day 'What does love mean to me?' and 'Why and how do I love people differently?' I thought the best place to start was to look at my 2 magnificent teenagers, who I love more than anyone. I realised I am more invested in their evolution, above anyone else's. Then I looked at the word 'evolution' and had my epiphany. Then, oh my god, I realised I actually loved myself and I didn't even know it. I'm almost always making an effort to evolve, even through the deepest and darkest of challenges. Even in my years in depression, I was loving myself by trying to make positive differences throughout those 15 years. Of course, I couldn't feel the love but is was there the whole time. To love our self is to be invested in our own evolution. Through my definition, I easily feel when people are loving me (to life), those people who raise me. If someone's not loving me, I'll feel that too.

I pick the hell out of words, in order to make them positively heavenly.

It brings me joy to hear of all the ways you connect to life through sensory experiences, how your love for certain things raises you - The drums, the lights, the acting and how you are touched by words. I shall revisit local theater. I haven't done this for years. I used to love it.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

In the beginning.

I have no idea what's going to come out. 🙂

Poetry is really great fun but in small doses. Like everything, it's a slog. It's hit and miss stuff - that's what makes it a fun mind exercise. What I found interesting is that Phrasal Verbs are curiously interesting, every time I read them, I can hear music. When I looked at them and found a Beatles song, but I was already searching for it as soon as I read them. It was crazy when - there it was Get Back.

So to me (and this is all I know about grammar) they are a really creative tool.

IF 🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Reading your words sounds like its been some mountain of change you have confronted.

Your use of the English language. Your passionate post is full of love, hope and wisdom.

To be able to say you love yourself. Can you do that? What about PaPaWO.org, what's their stand on that?

I'm still at being amazed when this girl on ebay just says "I suffer from depression", I'd never heard anyone say that openly before. Did I judge her? No, Why am I asking myself stupid questions?

"Disappointment can be a truly liberating experience when done well." Nice line.

You have raised some deep topics. Disappointment, there is nothing more disappointing when you know you are whipping yourself for past failures. Love, what flavour? With music, Hollywood style or real life? I prefer mine to be grounded in reality. (My reality is different from others) Love is a double edged sword it can move, bend and even break.

Having close family is love and I'm glad to hear you write about that - your teenagers. It must be great to have that bond. It's a circle of trust, I have no idea, I don't have it. Correction, it's not too good with my immediate family. If my brothers and sister all wrong a song, there is a high probability they would mention disappointment and love.
You mentioned the sensors, and light, sound and words. I'm also a musician and play many instruments. Drums would be like my forth or fifth serious instrument. I'm a guitarist, keyboard player. I can play flute and sax. I love the Ukulele. There’s a shortage. (And this was before the pandemic) (But life isn't rosy)
I need to do A LOT of personal development, you know love me, love my fellow man and love life. (Did I just order myself to do that, because I'm not liking it) :( That’s one tall order, back to the girl on ebay.
So you have had a hand in theatre. 🙂 Legendary. . . it's amazing. We would do live improve at the library. You have to think quick. (Not a big fan, it's really high anxiety before performing for me) When I'm there on the day, you just do it.
The lights, again amazing. With this tiny console at your fingertips you can turn on colours on any light. It was more than just the feeling it left me, the association with the time playing with all the colours as I learned to program them, it was when I saw them all connected in my mind. I saw this universe of lights because you can do this with DMX lighting. You can control this universe of colour. Thanks 🙂