Compounded depression.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi, I've been a member of Beyond Blue for several years, although, it's been sometime since I have logged into my account. I have been battling my problems alone. Now I am back because, I'm really feeling a new low. Just when you think things can't get any worse and the only way from the bottom is up - bang something else in life punches in you face. This was another of those days. It would be nice to connect with someone on here that understands what it's like to suffer depression, someone that you don't have to explain why it's happening. If we knew why, we would fix ourselves and we wouldn't need such services. My partner often asks "what can I do to help?". There is no answer to that question. Some of use are susceptible to depression through many reasons, there is not just one single answer. I am a musician - and today we are the last on the list to find our new "Covid Normal". Musicians don't get a mention. The arts sector sits on the bottom of essential services, yet so many turn to music for comfort. Why is that? Why are we on the bottom of the pile while then called upon as the first to help and cure wounded spirits and sad and lonely souls? That's just the way it is. Today, my depression was compounded. To take my mind off depression and Covid (And the worlds problems) I purchased a secondhand electronic drum kit. The guy seemed honest. You see there is a shortage of such devices, everything is on "back order" or I would have purchased a new unit. I get it home and at first I was happy, over joyed, excited. "Wow what a get instrument, what a great honest seller. " That soon turned to despair when I discovered a fault in the unit and this great honest person turn out to be another rouge seller, palming off his faulty goods to the unsuspecting. Trusting people is a problem. Honesty is a dying commodity, integrity, to some, it doesn't matter. They just don't care. I asked for my money back, but no, apparently he was un-aware of the fault although the kit was only used a couple of times. So my new broken drum kit, that was to help me, distract me, sits as a reminder never to trust people. No mater how honest you are, mentally projecting your values on others, giving them your values is a mistake. Money is all that seems to matter. What a sad world we live in where money is valued more than ones on integrity. They don't loose any sleep, we do for being foolish and to trusting.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi, thank you for replying.
I appreciate you taking the time to write. It helps to read others POV. Especially those (hopefully) that understand just how much the depressed are suffering and more so why. Can I just say that I'm going to have to admit (and I will regret typing this like I always do, as I feel exposed) I'm NOT in a good place and my life is completely busted.
What really made things worse was when they locked me up for a month and I could not get out of that asylum.
The suffering I witnessed was horrendous. People who were really emotionally disturbed you only had to hear them speak, rant, scream out in rage, fly off handle. Then there were others who seemed like every day people because they were. Some, you could not tell what was wrong with them. I ended up in there through mismanaged medical medications.
My mistake was not having a regular GP and ended up on a cocktail of mind-altering drugs.
It only took a couple of days for me to snap out of my haze only to then realise where I was. I was told I could leave anytime (I was reluctant to stay from the start), that changed with the signature of one nurse.
I was in prison for 4 weeks and I could not get out. Those that know me could not believe it.
In the end I fronted an independent tribunal who over turned the hold they had on me through the Mental Health Act.
For a kid who was emotionally muzzled, who rebelled, new write from wrong, sensitive, creative, smart, silenced, emotionally/physically abused; that place put me right back in that same prison my parents had incarcerated me in all those years prior.
I thought it was behind me. I now believe I suffered PTSD from that experience.
I’m sorry I ended up in there, yet I’m not sorry what I witnessed and the people I got to know. Real suffering like most could never imagine. Most of these people were as kind and giving more than anyone you might meet.
I need advice to get me out of this deep rut. I’m not living. I’ve stopped functioning. Help!
TonyWK, “Can I be frank?” Thank you yes, but I am going to be equally frank. I read your “30 minutes can change your life” and without being rude, if that worked for you great. You hear such stories but they fail in one key point; relativity. They don’t explain the background of these marvellous people. Who were their parents? What was there background. It’s not that simple. Dale Carnegie stories, cont below…

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi therising,

Karma is it real? The only time it seems real is when something horrid happens in ones own life. "Okay what did I do to deserve this" runs through my mind. That and rage. The stupid drum kit doesn't matter. Will it change my life for the better even if the kit was fully functioning? No. I'm really stuck in a bad rut emotionally and I can't see even a glimmer of hope.

Now, please, let me say that I know, I have to be the one who can change that - only me. Like the bootstrap program of computer - that's why it's called "Bootstrap" because it's based on the principle of pulling oneself up from ones own bootlaces. A task physically impossible yet this is what the depressed must find a way to do.

The longer I stay in this state the longer things will only get worse and it's already gone on far to long. Funny thing is - I tried to get back into the asylum because I realised the routine was good for me, but they would not take me back. Laughable really. But I'm not laughing.

I have all the self help books I need, I see a psychiatric, but the wheels have fallen off. I can't figure out how to get myself out of this state. I think I'm suffering from learned helplessness. "Well if you learned it, can't you unlearn it?" What? How can you "unlearn" something, that's like saying you want to un-see something that you wished you hadn't seen. Like a horrible car crash or a war. The writer Dale Carnegie talks about living in "day tight compartments" and forgetting the past and generally try not to live for tomorrow. Such books don't help the depressed mind. Then you have CBT where you question the unhelpful thoughts. Sure, I've questioned them. That's the problem, too many times and too many questions. Not enough answers to the questions.

Question like "how can I snap myself out of this state?" It's not that simple. Distraction works only as long as one is distracted. Depression is so tricky that it limits your ability to happily find distractions. I'm pretty sure this is all related back to my early childhood. I was always a depressed kid. There was always this underlining sadness a loss, hopelessness. You couple that with self loathing lack of confidence and you are heading for the inevitable.

My mother us to force us to go to Alateens Anonymous. I use to get so angry as If I had the drinking problem. All we would do I read the Bible. I never spoke. In fact I never ever really spoke to anyone when I was young.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Infinite Faith,

We're sorry to hear that you are experiencing feelings of hopelessness. We understand that depression can be tricky as you say, especially if you are facing low motivation. It's good that you've identified that a routine was helpful for you. Perhaps there is a way that you can work towards creating a routine for yourself at home?

It sounds like childhood traumas might be quite present for you. You might be interested in speaking with a Blue Knot Helpline trauma counsellor - 1300 657 380 Monday - Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST - https://www.blueknot.org.au/

Many of our members have felt similarly and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.

 

[Infinite_Faith]

If I was to try and pinpoint my depression, I think it has something to do with change. More so, the inability to accept and control it. The world changes around me and I don't like it; I can't stop the change. It's the same as when I was force to endure the stupidity of an alcoholic father, witness his antics. He would continually make self-destructive decisions. I rebelled to no avail.
My parents spit countless times. Mum would just put all seven of us in the car and we would just leave that house in fear. Never to return. We would not pack, plan then move. It was just leave our possessions and run to a new town and hide. When I was at school, I lived under an alias. Still today, those high school friends never knew my real name. We move that much and that often even my mother can't connect the dots relating which town, when and where. It's like a jumbled mess. My mother has a list of 34 addresses I lived in before I was 16, yet that was only the beginning of my nightmare. Three times we just ran in fear leaving the house contents. Our cloths, childhood possessions only the cloths we were wearing. (mother always managed to hold on to the photo albums hmmm!) We would all bite our nails waiting for him to come home smashed out of his mind. We were scared to death - mum panicked. A year would pass, a new town then she would get back with him. Slowly douse with alcohol and stir - same again.
I had just turned 17 when my father grabbed the shovel and ran out into the front yard and started smash a hole in the bow of our boat. Mum fled town and so did my father, leaving me in a rented house with my two younger brothers. That's when the nightmare really began. I was instructed via a neighbours telephone to sell all the furniture, appliances and in stealth darkness, hook up the boat to the trailer (we didn't own nor did I have a license) and drive it with my 2 younger brothers some 300 Kms to meet my father.
This man was a monster. We would find old abandoned houses to live in because they were cheap. All the street kids would hang around, it was a place of refuge for them. But the drinking never stopped nor did the moving. Again, in his paranoid state we were packed in the car - gave away all we owned and drove from Townsville to Melbourne. Being a truck driver, we never stopped and on arrival at his mother’s we were soon turned around and headed back to Townsville. (She didn't want him) That's when I started living on the streets.

[Infinite_Faith]

I will be careful what I type. That puts a wall between me and the truth. Just let me know if and when I have worn out the welcoming mat. It seems I have difficulty even fitting in on a forum about depression? Wow!

The thing I have realised about depression is that you have to want to change. Depression is a mindset that you get trapped in; a cycle of habitual negative thoughts. Electricity always takes the path of least resistance, that is why appliances have an Earth Wire to ground. It's to stop you from getting electrocuted. Another way to say that is that it's the easiest path for the electricity to find its equal polarity. (Rather than your body) Why mention electricity? Because, in a way I am doing the same thing. For some reason I must be getting a payoff for taking the easy way out. There is no doubt - if I was living in another country - I may not be able to afford the luxury of depression. You either move, and attend to your crops, or you don't survive. Solution, ship me off with a swift kick up the behind to a third world country. You know, the carrot or the rod. "There, now you have something to cry about. " My father would always say to me drunk "What are you a man or a mouse" . . . Ummm a mouse, ‘cause I have a feeling this is a trick question. My first memory of him was me sitting on his knee and he was drunk singing, "stand up and fight boy till you hear the bell."

Everyone has a story; everyone wants to be heard. Trading childhood war wounds is immature - I know that. However, how do you heal if you don't talk about it? Animals are interesting to study when it comes to trauma. I've owned traumatised animals and the thing you soon realise is that they are going to be that way for life. We (apparently) should have the ability to rationalise our trauma. We have a frontal lobe. Our self-conscience minds. I am taking the path of least resistance and I know it. It's harder for me to face change, after all; if I wanted it bad enough - just like a hand full of money - that was offered to me; there would be no question, I'd take the money. Maybe I should start a depression money box? For every stupid depressing, self-defeating thought I have, I must put a dollar in the money box. Just look how much would be in that money box today alone. That's like a holiday to a third world country where I could see what real suffering is all about. I will type myself out of depression. No therapy required. 🙂 So there's hope.

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

You are an incredible person to have faced all you have faced and still be here. I am stunned: From your early years until the more recent mind altering challenges (including the meds and asylum), you have faced the ongoing mismanagement of those around you. You really are an incredible person who, by the way, will never wear out that welcome mat.

I believe, it's up to every parent to teach their child how to manage life, constructively. It's like the master and the apprentice. For many parents, whether by choice or having no choice (under the circumstances), what they teach their apprentices can often be destructive, ungrounding and lacking in skill. In fairness to some, how can you teach your apprentice what was never taught to you.

I wish every child was taught the skill of how to manage challenge. While it could be said 'It's not possible to teach a child how to deal with every challenge in life', I believe it's possible to at least teach the basics. Not sure exactly what all the basics would include but I imagine some of them to include:

• The skill of identifying what the challenge is
• The skill of knowing when to seek assistance and when to face the challenge independently (for reasons of personal growth)
• The skill of being able to identify what we should not tolerate from another
• The skill of managing our mind, body and natural self (including understanding what our emotions are telling us/how they're directing us)
• The skill of reforming our self on a regular basis, through the challenges we face and the questioning that comes with them (in order to make sense of them)
• The skill of knowing when and how to vent, releasing mental and physical stress/tension/dis-ease

The list goes on.

I believe, life requires us to have a lot of basic skills. When you look at that list, you could say you have been responsible for developing these skills on your own, gradually unlearning helplessness. No one has taught these skills to you which, in reality, makes you undeniably amazing. Self development is an unbelievably slow process when we've had to learn skills for our self. What can take us decades to learn could have taken a lot less time if it had have been directly taught to us from the beginning.

I'm glad you have reached the path or point of questioning just about everything. It's a potentially mind altering time in life, for the better.

Talk 'til your heart's content. Heal 'til your heart's content. Be kind to yourself in the process.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi Therising,

Sorry, my OCD just forces me to address you with a proper noun. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me to keep typing. (I was going to say striving, but that's not what I'm doing) I would like to say that I'm "make great efforts to achieve or obtain something", but the truth is, I am really struggling to keep my head above water. I was thinking maybe I should upgrade my thread (If it's free?) (Kidding) and move to the next tear - the suicide forum. 

You see I use to be much better when I was on a particular anti-depressant but because it sent me into hypermania (couple with another drug from the Z family) , I can't take it any longer because my psyche is concerned I will relapse into gaga land. By the way gaga land is a pretty cool place. It's not something you plan to go. It happens to some when the anti-depressant can backfire. This is well known.

Therising (and I just realise it's not "theorising") my bad. So it's 'The rising?" Haha I dunno. Have you given us your life story on BB? I would love to read it. I must again say thank you - because it must be hard work reading others whining problems and keep a positive mindset. I agree, there is no point blaming parents for what they never learned themselves. Something I have always said myself. Where does the blame end? It is what it is and we are what we are. It's about trying mitigate you mental handicap.

Ah, to be born with a positive outlook. I admire people like that. You see them on youtube and I think wow - how did you get to be so confident. Self doubt clearly does't enter you mind. You just do it with confidence.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Infinite Faith, 

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. Based on your comment about suicide, it sounds like you may be having some thoughts about it. We imagine that this would be really difficult, and we encourage you to create a thread in this section of the forums if you think it would be beneficial to you. 

In the meantime, we thought we'd share the contact details and websites of a few services that may be of use to you. For instance, in overwhelming moments (or when you need crisis support), we encourage you to get in touch with Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Both of these services also offer chat counselling options which can be accessed via their website which are linked here and here. 

We're glad to see you bonding here with some of the users. We hope that the forums continue to bring you some comfort. Please continue to post and update us as you see fit. 

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

As Shakespeare wrote 'What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet'. It does not necessarily matter what we call our self or what others call us, the truth remains...we are exquisite. My name relates to my longing for everyone to find their freedom from depression through the process of rising through discovering the truth as to who they are - sometimes the truth remains deeply hidden until it is ever so gradually found in the the rising process. I wish everyone could find the truth in a single moment yet, often, it can take years and a lot of pain before we come to find it. I know, all sounds a little romantic. I'm a soulful gal at heart.

It can definitely feel like a full time job, staying alive in depression. To be honest, I spent a lot of my years in depression 'self medicating' through alcohol. It's how I 'managed' my emotions. If I wanted to feel happy, I drank. Energetic, I drank. A sense of peace (as much as you can find peace in depression), I drank. Confidence, yep, I drank. The list goes on. If there's one thing drinking also delivers big time, it's regret, shame, shocking chemistry for the brain/body to cope with etc. Definitely a toxic 'fix'.

It is incredibly rare that I ever see people here as complaining or depressing. I see the best in them and the pain in them. I see such an incredibly deep longing for difference, a longing that sometimes moves me to tears. I remember that longing, as if it was yesterday. Of course, as they say, we can never remember the full extent of mental or physical pain yet I have occasional reminders during the odd down times, which may last for only days, which can feel so intense it scares me (that I'm heading back into depression). These handful of days remain incomparable to depression though because there's no wondering as to how many years I'll stay in those moments. For me, it was the not knowing when or even if I'd ever come out of depression that was the most torturous part of all.

It is a rare person who's able to maintain the natural confidence they are born with. Most of us have it conditioned out of us in so many ways. To return (turn again) to a natural sense of confidence, I believe, requires in some ways a natural sense of wonder. Something else we are born with. One of the most wonderful (wonder filled) questions we can ever ask our self is 'If this is not who I really am (the person I believe myself to be), then who am I?'

The search begins, for the truth 🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey Infinite Faith, welcome back to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear of what you wrote about. I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder amongst other diagnoses so I can definitely understand the depression side of things.

I'm here if you want someone to chat with or just to listen.

- Tayla.