Compounded depression.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi, I've been a member of Beyond Blue for several years, although, it's been sometime since I have logged into my account. I have been battling my problems alone. Now I am back because, I'm really feeling a new low. Just when you think things can't get any worse and the only way from the bottom is up - bang something else in life punches in you face. This was another of those days. It would be nice to connect with someone on here that understands what it's like to suffer depression, someone that you don't have to explain why it's happening. If we knew why, we would fix ourselves and we wouldn't need such services. My partner often asks "what can I do to help?". There is no answer to that question. Some of use are susceptible to depression through many reasons, there is not just one single answer. I am a musician - and today we are the last on the list to find our new "Covid Normal". Musicians don't get a mention. The arts sector sits on the bottom of essential services, yet so many turn to music for comfort. Why is that? Why are we on the bottom of the pile while then called upon as the first to help and cure wounded spirits and sad and lonely souls? That's just the way it is. Today, my depression was compounded. To take my mind off depression and Covid (And the worlds problems) I purchased a secondhand electronic drum kit. The guy seemed honest. You see there is a shortage of such devices, everything is on "back order" or I would have purchased a new unit. I get it home and at first I was happy, over joyed, excited. "Wow what a get instrument, what a great honest seller. " That soon turned to despair when I discovered a fault in the unit and this great honest person turn out to be another rouge seller, palming off his faulty goods to the unsuspecting. Trusting people is a problem. Honesty is a dying commodity, integrity, to some, it doesn't matter. They just don't care. I asked for my money back, but no, apparently he was un-aware of the fault although the kit was only used a couple of times. So my new broken drum kit, that was to help me, distract me, sits as a reminder never to trust people. No mater how honest you are, mentally projecting your values on others, giving them your values is a mistake. Money is all that seems to matter. What a sad world we live in where money is valued more than ones on integrity. They don't loose any sleep, we do for being foolish and to trusting.

[white knight]

Welcome back,

You're right in your assessment of most humans are untrustworthy. That makes life more challenging than it should be. Unnecessary caution needed.

At 64yo this is no longer a problem for me though. After decades of humans hurting me I've honed my skills to take extra measures. Almost all new contacts in my life I can assess if they have the right to be in my life and to what extent.

But I allow myself not to be perfect, I get it wrong at times and get hurt. That's ok, fairly rare now.

Same with buying stuff. I investigate everything, buy new if possible and in your case I'd have tested it fully prior to purchase.

That's little comfort now but you get my drift.

The flip side is that those I do trust, around 12 friends, 8 family members I give my all. Quality over quantity.

That drum kit? It'll take a while to recover but you will be ok.

Sorry I can't help with your depression. Maybe you can Google these below for some reading-

Beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

YouTube maharaji sunset

YouTube maharaji appreciate

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

I hope I've helped a little
TonyWK

[mocha delight]

Hi infinite faith I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you and due to mostly my grandmother on my dads side who is the type of person who should of never been a mother as she’s not the motherly type at all and who always do’s wrong to all family members plus she’s a narcissist & generally an unpleasant person to be around has given me trust issues. But what lead me to lose complete & utter mistrust in absolutely everyone & to lose complete of faith in humanity is when I was trying to get diagnosed with coeliac disease last year which not only was I diagnosed with coeliac disease but also diagnosed with GORD (the autoimmune side of acid reflux) which the gastroenterologist she never told me about it and found out about it 2 weeks later from my gp after my last endoscopy she did. She was not that professional at all and completely mishandled my case so it’s no wonder I trust absolutely no one (no offence meant to you or anyone else). The funny thing is I was only a tiny bit depressed & had hardly any issues before I meet this first gastroenterologist but now I got really bad depression and a lot of major issues now. Yes some of the issues is family related and there is family history of mental health issues on both sides of my family which not many have been diagnosed that I know of but that I’m suspicious about.

[Infinite_Faith]

Thanks WK and mocka delight for you kind messages.

I take onboard WK about purchasing new. You make these mistakes in life and as you say, time passes and you get over it. (You never get over the mistrust) I see you can count how many people and family members you can trust.

I am envious. Having good family must be comforting. I have pretty much none. My family was blown apart by my alcoholic father. He was seemingly in a mission of self destruction, not just himself but blindly his seven children. He accomplished his mission and now he is dead and no one cares. The bible states "Honour thy father and thy mother." what a joke on those that were never cared for.

It's tough having no family. All my brothers and sisters are at war with one another all due to what happened to use as children. You would think we would unit and bond having been through all that violence, running, hiding our identity from our father, but my mother always went back to him and the cycle would repeat.

He would reform for about a year, we would settle in school then it would all happen again. Slowly but surely, the drinking would start up again. Then the screaming and violence. He would come home blind drunk and smash his fist through the walls, doors and cupboards. He would fight innocent taxi drivers at our front door while throwing loose change at them. I have seem him brawl with my dear old grandfather, uncles, pub brawls a guy in the park one day, even I have been punched in the face by his hand.

He grew up an only child, and like mocha delight's story, his mother (my grandmother) was crazy. You have to have a license to own a cat but no license necessary to have children. No mandatory training necessary. My grandmother went on to remarry and have 5 more children, but my father was the black-sheep.

He grew up semiprofessional boxer and his fights were broadcast over the Melbourne radio stations in those days. You fuel that with alcohol and a mother (my grandmother) who really dis-owned him, it was no wonder he was the way he was. Did he try every to be a better person? I'm sure he did, but the damage was done just the same way the damage has been done to so many children who grow up in similar violent homes. They pass a point of no return and are predestined to be a failure in life, misfits the dysfunction, forever battling demons. Their failings become our failings. It's like we have reject stamped on us out of the box. We are the new clones.

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

Sorry to hear about the drums, the impact this has had on you. I truly mean that. It can definitely feel sorrowful (after getting past the anger), when we meet with yet another person who leads us to question 'Can I not trust anyone in this world?' or 'What the heck is wrong with this world?' By the way, I agree, music is an incredibly powerful emotional tool, which explains why 'Music Therapy' is a recognised form of natural therapy.

While I left my depression behind me some years ago, to be honest, I manage strategically to stay out of depression. It can be an incredible challenge, staying out of depression but one I'm up for because I fear going back in. I really do fear it, for I remember how soul destroying it felt, especially the depths. That question, 'What the heck is wrong with people?' is part of such management, although I tend to phrase it differently - 'What is the fault I'm looking at in this person?' Then the questions start to really flow: Where could they have picked it up from (parent, for example)? Why do they believe it's acceptable? Why do they not question it? Would they like me to question it? I'm smiling with that last one 🙂 One might regard this as 'reading' a person. From my experience, it takes a lot of practice to be able to emotionally detach so as to read someone objectively. It does sound like you have this ability you're able to practice, given the way you're able to analyse your dad's upbringing and the influence it has had on his nature. It's incredible, the amount of faults that can be passed down through generations. Such faults typically stop with the generation that is sensitive to the need to question everything. By the way, a less obvious inherited fault involves a lack of skill given to us, in managing life. It is a skill to manage our emotions, for example. We can pay the price, regarding this lack of skill development.

I believe, from a young age, faults are instilled in a way where we lose parts of our natural self. While 'wonder' is a great or super natural ability, I can't help but wonder why we're conditioned to suppress it. Such a depressing condition for living. Myself, I've returned to it: I wonder what or who leads me to feel down. I wonder who or what has the potential to raise me. I wonder what the challenge I'm facing is really about. I wonder about what triggers certain thoughts and physical emotion. I'd go on but it's an incredibly long list. With wonder, revelation follows.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Thanks guys kind replies.

Beyond Blue, what a name it is brilliant for the severely depressed. Would have made a great song title.

I've hit that place again. That place that you shouldn't talk about, think about or are permitted to write about. It is a mixer of self loathing and anger. Just violent rage inside and sadness, loneliness. When you know you don't fit in like normal people. I hate normal people with their perfect lives, family and friends. Their instagram and facebook happy snaps of holidays. Everything just seems to be functioning like God intended. Then you have people like me. As if the devil himself had a hand in designing my path. I don't have those things. I never got the proper education and stable family home. The inevitable result is a misfit. I can't even maintain a Facebook account. I open it, close it delete my so called friends. I always seem to type the wrong things when I did have it open. I think what I'm doing right now is called "feeling sorry for myself" - like it's some kind of crime. But the wounds and scares run deep and they are real. This is not just some broken heart who is pining over his first lost love. Some of us seem to be just destined to forever fail. Like some stinking curse that never ends. I speak for myself or I speak for all when I say "we are the broken people". And you know there is no easy fix for us. No perfect medication no super switched on therapist who will make you change. That's for Hollywood and this is real life.

Some days you just feel like you've been kicked around too much. It's brutal. Not only have we been kicked around by others we kick ourselves which is even worse. It's sad when you can't see anything positive for yourself. When you know you are stuck in not just a rut - more like a cave, a personal hell. You try and reach out to others and you get no reply. The return to sender message, "yeah I don't have time for weirdo's in my life' message. I think someone said it above well, we are emotionally disturbed. People never apologise. Does anyone else find that? They treat you like dirt and think it's okay. You avoid them and next thing you know "it's you" you have the problem. "Get over it" they think. Doesn't work like that with me. If someone attacks me emotional or physically, I don't forget. Family is possibly the worst at times.

I was so mad at that guy in Brighton who sold me that faulty drum kit. I wan't revenge. Little rich kid. 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hey Infinite Faith,

Thanks for posting here and letting us know how you're doing. We are so sorry to hear you are in a low place right now and feeling quite down. Things can seem especially hard and healing can seem out of reach when it feels like life nothing is going our way. Many people here on this forum will be able to relate to this feeling and have come across this place on their own healing journey. Please know that you are in a safe, non-judgmental space where you are allowed to express how you are feeling with wonderful community members to provide their support and insights.

If you would like any extra support, we encourage you to reach out to our Support Service anytime at 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope you will keep posting here to let us know how you are, whenever you feel up to it.

[Infinite_Faith]

These drum kits are of course from China. I own another model and I had a foot pedal failure. So I hunted around the internet and found the Chinese manufacturer. Turns out they make drums for many companies. They just rebadge them. Like most things today, everything comes out of the same place in China, just under different brand names. (It's no secret) I could not find replacement pedals in Australia so I emailed the company. Through various emails I was able to arrange new pedals to be shipped directly from China to my front door. This was before the pandemic so I still had the contact email.

So, this dodgy kit I purchased was again from the same company. But we were in a pandemic and I knew Australia's relationship with China was not the best. Regardless, I took a punt and wrote to them. I figured I had two options with the dodgy kit, sell it off to some other poor sucker (that wouldn’t make me a nice guy, after all, I didn't like it done to me) or I could try and repair it. So I wrote back to the same guy a who sold me the pedals in China. I knew that behind the Communist Chinese government, there are real people like you and I who scrape a living together. I explained the problem and said that the pandemic war between Australia and China was politics and had nothing to do with me. I said I hope you feel the same. To my surprise Kenneth, from China (and yes, I doubt it's his real name) wrote back. Even though my parents never put me through school (I barely passed year nine) it didn't mean I was stupid. So much later in life I decided to educate myself. My passion was electronics and at first, when I enrolled at RMIT, I failed. I was way out of my depth. Electronics is really heavy maths. I didn’t have a clue what Algebra, Exponentials or even how to transform the Subject in a formula. So I put the course on hold and studied maths, then went back to RMIT. Now I hold two Diploma's in Electronics and Computers. (Yes it was tough and I nearly quit a hundred times) RMIT was brutal the work load was gruelling. Every day I left campus feeling like I wanted to quit and I said to myself "If I fail one subject, I'm quitting" but I never did. In fact, I was the only one in my class, not to fail a subject. Everyone failed at least one and had to repeat. I was lucky, I worked hard and got through. So, I needed the circuit diagrams to repair the drum kit. Without them it's tough to repair and companies don't freely give them out. Hopefully?

[white knight]

Thankyou for replying

Can I be frank? Well, half glass empty is a real problem and I was that person until 1983 at 27yo. It all changed in 30 minutes.

You can read that story by googling

Beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life

Now, it's the common story, focussing on what you have not what you don't or what you've lost.

I'm 64yo. My mental health has reasonably stabilised. My physical health has become a burden. My knees have arthritis but I can still walk! My blood has thinners in medication but I live on, my left shoulder aches but I can still write...and so on.

And family? Family is who you choose not who you share blood with. A good growing friendship network will provide opportunities to meet people that you can adopt as family.

I'm not underplaying your issues, but the only way to break free from our constraints is to fight our way out.

I'll be interested in your thoughts on 30 minutes can change your life

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

Ahh, the desire to teach a person about Karma. It can be a strong desire at times. If your imagination's strong, you can easily picture what a lesson in Karma would look like and easily hear yourself say afterward 'Now, can you relate?! I hope you've learned this lesson well'. Self control is a skill 🙂

Had a bit of an epiphany today: What if all the sensitive people in this world are the 'normal' or natural ones. Isn't it natural to feel the impact of other's wrongdoings and feel them deeply at times. Give you an example:

Say you face the workplace mentality of 'It's normal for every new guy/gal to go through a traditional rite of passage'. That rite may involve verbal degradation and/or physical brutality. It would make sense that a thoughtful, considerate and naturally kind person who's sensitive to thoughtlessness, inconsideration and cruelty would easily feel the impact of this behaviour. They are naturally sensitive to what is now deemed as criminal behaviour. I believe it's also morally criminal (intentionally leading one to such extreme sufferance). Insensitive people who practice traditional forms of torture have some serious mental health issues. What about a boss who manages through sheer ongoing verbal abuse, as opposed to inspiration or the 'teacher' who humiliates a child to the point where they have the whole class laughing at that poor kid? These are twisted people. You could say sensitive people are very sensitive to the conduct of twisted, thoughtless and abnormal people with seriously questionable mental health issues.

If I'm sensitive enough to feel when I'm dealing with such people, this can definitely be triggering. Such people will often get a rise out of me. I can feel myself rising to pure intolerance until I can feel my face fuming. Most of my life I've been a people pleaser until a revelation hit, 'You're pleasing/enabling crazy people who don't have the skills to manage effectively (in positive ways) and who should be treating you better'. For years I'd been tolerating intolerable behaviour from intolerable people. For all those years I'd always asked 'What's wrong with me?'

Being highly sensitive, I feel everything and won't always hold back in telling someone 'I feel you're being an a-hole'. It can be liberating to express your 'feelings', your sense of the obvious 🙂

Me, I'm a self proclaimed misfit. I'm happy to be considered 'weird' in a world where 'normal' feels incredibly unpleasant at times.