Broken Heart

[Mares73]

Hi all, my previous thread named "No hope this week" was getting a bit too long so today I'm extending and continuing the themes of that post.

Yes I have a broken heart. I am aching from the current constant state of emotional & mental pain. I have cried as soon as I wake up for the past two weeks.

Just to contextualise I will refer to my last post where I described my experience of a sudden severe onset of deep depression & thoughts I had never really experienced before as in I wouldn't act on them because my kids have always been my safety net. I experienced a severe onset of depression without any triggers & I was feeling completely out of control of my thoughts, unable to function barely at all to the point I couldn't even get dressed & I felt totally immobilised & absolutely terrified of my mental state.

I had never had contact with an acute mental health team but due to my distress & complete sense of being out of control, Beyond Blue contacted them on my behalf. The nurses visited me at home & were lovely. They made me an appointment with the acute team pyschiatrist last Wednesday.

Unfortunately the pysch was young & obviously inexperienced. It was only a 15min appt & the sole purpose was to check I wasn't having intentions to do anything terrible. I was hoping for some referrals to other forms of support & a medication review. But the pysch said he would be phoning my private pysch that day to update her & to "hand over care".

So I waited & remained in my terrible state of mind. I progressively got worse. I hadn't heard from my own Pyschiatrist so I rang her today & she was completely unaware of what was happening. I asked her if the acute team had explained my situation & couldn't believe it when she replied "oh yes they left a message last week for me to call them but I haven't got to it yet".

I was so shocked-this is a Pysch I've been seeing for over 8 yrs. so I told her all that had happened & that my husband was adamant that I crashed when I began taking the stimulant medication she had prescribed & I had commenced it on 10 January & fell apart on the 20th January.

She replied that she didn't think they were related & perhaps the current widespread news about abuse in the Catholic Church had triggered it. I replied that I hadn't seen any news on the subject & wasn't even aware it was a current issue in the media.

She then said to stay on my medication & she would see me next Monday & discuss possible triggers for my sudden crash & also discuss medication. I even told her I had never experienced an episode like this & I certainly have never had serious thoughts of taking drastic action-and her reply was that if I felt some sympathetic nurses would cheer me up then I could ask the Acute Team to visit.

I was beyond words when the phone call ended. This is supposed to be my treating pysch who I've known for over 8 years. My husband who took the morning off work due to my state, called BB distressed & said he couldn't cope with what was happening & needed support for me as he just couldn't cope with what was happening & the lack of support services for me.

I then said to him I felt safe enough this afternoon to be alone & would occupy myself by coming here & writing & also looking up GPs & Pyschologists. There is still the major critical issue of a decent Pyschiatrist. So basically I have to survive until Monday & the only other option or change would be if I continued having serious thoughts-in that event I would be admitted to hospital.

So how do I feel after explains all the current facts-I feel so upset, desperate, alone, frightened, overwhelmed & broken hearted at the current state, the underfunded & lack of support services for mental health compared to other health areas, the sadness & fear at being overwhelmed by this illness, and most of all today my heart breaks at the loss & grief I feel for struggling so hard to "find my real self" under the layers of the illness & sadness that my family rarely see & enjoy experiences with the person I truly am beyond this illness.

They see the symptoms & the struggles & my mum cried & my husband was distressed at how much this illness has taken from my life. They say how much they "miss me" & how it breaks their hearts to know who I truly am & to grieve for that person because they now mostly see the effects of the illness & the rare glimpses they see of the person they know I am makes it even harder as they miss me so much.

I grieve for myself too-I am so sad knowing I still exist but I'm hidden under layers of pain & trauma & the devastation this illness can cause. Will I ever feel happy again? Will I ever return to the bright social butterfly who had many friends. Will I ever feel a sense of achievement again when I was such a high achiever & thrived on mental stimulation & challenges. Will I ever break this despair? This loss of the real me? Will I ever be social or interact again given I'm completely isolated & rarely leave the house & have no one to talk to from the time my kids go to school to the time they come home?

And the biggest question-will I ever experience recovery or even hope of some forms of recovery? I'm so broken by this constant battle. And the destruction it creates in so many ways ie low or zero Selfesteem, feeling a failure, losing confidence in most of my abilities, blaming myself for anything, apologising for anything to the point I'm almost apologising for my existence, feeling unlovable, avoiding people & situations because I fear being transparent as a loser. Fearing this could get even worse.

So basically fearing a lifetime of struggle to find myself again when I'm up against a monster of an illness that's winning at the moment. I'm too afraid to think of the future because if this is my future then my existence is purely for the sake of my children. And I'm so sad because if I had known the battle I'd have with depression, traumatic events, PTSD & anxiety-I would of crammed so much into my life before it hit me so at least I'd experienced happiness & adventures & many different experiences so at least I could say I made the most of and lived my life to the absolute fullest before I got sick.

I don't in anyway want to or mean to come across as a victim in feeling sorry for myself. I know there are so so many people hurting & struggling in so many ways & forms & it can always be worse. So my intention isn't meant to express myself as the only person in pain. I am grateful for many things such as my children & living in a country without war or external traumas.

I try to be thankful & humble for what I do have & do think of and feel for all people in pain or suffering whatever form it may take.

I just felt so sad today I needed to try express myself to keep me safe & to clarify my thoughts by attempting to express them-as in doing so I thought I might feel some of the fog lift. So I've literally just written this without thought & I hope it makes sense.

I think of, and feel for all of you experiencing pain & battling this illness. I care & hope I can support many of you on this journey. And I'd also like to express my sincere gratitude for all of you & especially to thank those who have provided me with hope & care.

Today I know one of my dear friends is battling through this illness & my heart goes out to them. I hope each of you experience some hope, support & care.

Lve Mares xxx

[Mares73]

I'm unable to go to my mums until after my psych appointment on Monday. I haven't slept for 48 hrs and I can't seem to switch off even though I'm so tired. Xxx Mares

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I have been where you are in terms of sleep deprivation. It wasn't fun. I couldn't think straight let alone make good decisions. My memory is shot lately, so pardon me if you have answered the questions below in a post. Are you on any meds to help you sleep? How long has it been since you last saw your GP?

I'm worried for you and hope that you can find some support and soon. We on the forums will be here for you, if you feel like things are getting out of control. I only wish I could do more.

Take Care and Talk Soon,

GA

[Mares73]

Hi, Ga thanks so much for your comments. I basically haven't left the house this week, I feel so much tension from my husband. I'm worried so much about getting ant support as I haven't heard back from a Pyschologist & I'm worried my pych on Monday won't do much. Just very anxious & feel buried under it all. Today I'm not good, it will be hard to get through. I am stuck in house because I'm not in state to even get myself ready to go anywhere. And I'm so tears -alternating between tears & feeling numb hoping it will end. I'm safe today as my husbands contactable but admittedly the bad things I feel desperate to do are still holding a backup role in my thoughts. I don't know what to do. Lve Mares xxx

[Jo3]

Mares my friend

pls take care, i am thinking of you so much.  i really don't know what to say - all i can say is i am thinking of you and want to help you so much but i;m lost for words.

wish we could meet - because i would give you a big hug. so i;m sending you one big hug from me to you.

jo xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi there my friend

You can do ONE thing for me ... and I only ask ONE thing.  That's to please please please let go of those dark, terrible thoughts of bad things that you're mentioning ... please do that for not only me, but all of us here.  Can you please tell me that you will?   Let them go ... put them totally out of your mind.   If something awful was to happen, then I know there'd be so many of us who would never get over it.  Oh, look I'm not meaning to throw a guilt trip to you ... we just all CARE so much for you.

I know you're in a terrible terrible place and have been for so long now.

A little while ago, you hadn't slept for ages ... I so hope that you've been able to get some shut eye recently?   That is so important ... I know you know that, but I think also someone else asked has your GP prescribed to you any tablets that can make you drowsy or assist you with sleeping??  With how you're going, I feel it's so important that you can at least get some peace during the night time.

You're so in my thoughts Maresy ... and please don't be worrying about this little black duck ... I'm doing ok ... I'm thinking about making a comeback to playing cricket ... (yeah right ... says my hamstring, lower back and dodgy shoulder)  🙂

Now before I go, I shall do my best to get a smile out of you.  It's an oldie but a goodie ... are you ready for it?  Ok ...

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because he heard that 7 8 9   !!!!!!!   That's it.  You are now free to not only smile, but go ROFL (that's Rolling On Floor Laughing - for anyone who's not into the new and funky way of writing).  Fortunately, I'm hip to all that jive ...

Maresy, don't forget what I said at the very top of this post.

Your friend,

Neil

🙂

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Mares!

Seen so many of your wonderful posts on some of the threads I've been following (particularly Neil's) and tracked you down!!  ha ha - there's no hiding now!!

Wow - what an amazing story - sounds like you've achieved so much, gone through an awful lot more tough times than is fair.  But you know what the best thing is - you're fighting it all!!  Well done!

Re your psych, treating you for so long & letting you down like that is more than disappointing - it's borderline negligent & I'm not surprised to hear you were really upset by this.  Not sure if you want to just let sleeping dogs lie, but I'd suggest writing down your thoughts & letting you're psych know how their actions have affected you adversely.  If the response is unsatisfying your husband might be able to complain to the relevant industry body your psych is associated with.

I'm sorry i don't have more practical solutions for you - I'd just suggest keep posting as you should find some pride in the amazing postings you put on BB & the help you give to everyone who has the pleasure of coming in contact with you

Big hugs

Scott

[Mares73]

Hi Scott, I woke up today in tears. Afraid of what's happening to me & how to get help. I read your post to me & I cannot express how thankful I am for your beautiful message. I don't know how much you know of my life but you could read earlier posts for my story-I don't post often. I'm genuinely sorry that I seem to have missed your posts & story but I will look for & read today. I have never experienced what I am currently experiencing & I'm distressed at the lack of care from my Pysch who said that its probably caused by publicity on the abuse in the Catholic Church (as I was abused) but I haven't followed any news lately. I'm concerned that she has me on an SNRI antidepressant, an antipsychotic (to help me sleep even though I don't meet criteria for the med as I suffer only from depression & anxiety), benzodiazepines for anxiety and on 10th Janary commenced me on a stimulant as well ( which is supposed to treat ADHD). On 20th Jan I crashed. I said to her on the phone that my family was very concerned about the stimulant given I suffer anxiety & they believe my crash was due to the stimulant. She dismissed this and said "stimulant meds would make you cheerful). I see her Monday-after treating me for 8 years & receiving a message from the local acute team-she never phoned them back & despite me expressing overwhelming thoughts oh taking action-she did not fit me in as an emergency & said to ph Acute Team for some "empathetic nurses" if I felt in serious risk. So I see her Monday. I'm going to ask for a referral to "the Black Dog Institute" (I hope I can say that as it could help others) which is managed by Professor Gordan Parker & sees people who require a second assessment which I now desperately do. Anyway you have lifted me this morning & I am so grateful. Thankyou Scott, I've seen some of your replies & you are a an insightful, caring, thoughtful guy who reaches out to others with yout special words of support. I'm so touched by your message to me-more than I can express in words. And I will catchup with your story to date so that I can share & support your ongoing journey. Lve Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

You might have this subject heading saying 'Broken Heart', but can I just tell you that you are phenomenal.

"Oh yeah right Neil", I hear you say, "What b........t" you can spin".

But Maresy, hear me out ... you ARE struggling hellishly bad and have been doing so for a long time now, but yet you are able to come on this site and pour out post after post to others on here who are in need of support.

You provide unreal advice and some of the words that you produce has me in amazement ... in that, Mares, have you done a course in psychology?  I'm just blown away with the posts that you've been providing ... and you're doing this all the while that you're absolutely in a rock bottom place of your own.

If I was wearing a hat right now, I'd take it off and dip it to you.  Actually, you don't even know if I'm wearing one or not, so Mares, I take my hat off to you.  🙂  🙂

So you've got just a couple of days to go till this upcoming psych appointment.  I so hope that it goes well for you and that you can cover a deal of issues that are burning you up inside.  Even if you're able to walk out of there feeling just a "little" bit better, than that is some progress.

In the meantime between now and then, I hope that you're being kind to yourself and doing things exactly how you want to do them, so that you're occupying yourself as best you can ... I'm thinking of you my special friend.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hey Mares my friend

I don't know what to say, just that I am thinking of you over this weekend and hope you're doing okay.  You are a special person and it shows by all the responses you get.

You are an amazing person.

Pls take care

Your friend

Jo xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

Just checking in- I hope this day finds you better.

GA