Broken Heart

[Mares73]

Hi all, my previous thread named "No hope this week" was getting a bit too long so today I'm extending and continuing the themes of that post.

Yes I have a broken heart. I am aching from the current constant state of emotional & mental pain. I have cried as soon as I wake up for the past two weeks.

Just to contextualise I will refer to my last post where I described my experience of a sudden severe onset of deep depression & thoughts I had never really experienced before as in I wouldn't act on them because my kids have always been my safety net. I experienced a severe onset of depression without any triggers & I was feeling completely out of control of my thoughts, unable to function barely at all to the point I couldn't even get dressed & I felt totally immobilised & absolutely terrified of my mental state.

I had never had contact with an acute mental health team but due to my distress & complete sense of being out of control, Beyond Blue contacted them on my behalf. The nurses visited me at home & were lovely. They made me an appointment with the acute team pyschiatrist last Wednesday.

Unfortunately the pysch was young & obviously inexperienced. It was only a 15min appt & the sole purpose was to check I wasn't having intentions to do anything terrible. I was hoping for some referrals to other forms of support & a medication review. But the pysch said he would be phoning my private pysch that day to update her & to "hand over care".

So I waited & remained in my terrible state of mind. I progressively got worse. I hadn't heard from my own Pyschiatrist so I rang her today & she was completely unaware of what was happening. I asked her if the acute team had explained my situation & couldn't believe it when she replied "oh yes they left a message last week for me to call them but I haven't got to it yet".

I was so shocked-this is a Pysch I've been seeing for over 8 yrs. so I told her all that had happened & that my husband was adamant that I crashed when I began taking the stimulant medication she had prescribed & I had commenced it on 10 January & fell apart on the 20th January.

She replied that she didn't think they were related & perhaps the current widespread news about abuse in the Catholic Church had triggered it. I replied that I hadn't seen any news on the subject & wasn't even aware it was a current issue in the media.

She then said to stay on my medication & she would see me next Monday & discuss possible triggers for my sudden crash & also discuss medication. I even told her I had never experienced an episode like this & I certainly have never had serious thoughts of taking drastic action-and her reply was that if I felt some sympathetic nurses would cheer me up then I could ask the Acute Team to visit.

I was beyond words when the phone call ended. This is supposed to be my treating pysch who I've known for over 8 years. My husband who took the morning off work due to my state, called BB distressed & said he couldn't cope with what was happening & needed support for me as he just couldn't cope with what was happening & the lack of support services for me.

I then said to him I felt safe enough this afternoon to be alone & would occupy myself by coming here & writing & also looking up GPs & Pyschologists. There is still the major critical issue of a decent Pyschiatrist. So basically I have to survive until Monday & the only other option or change would be if I continued having serious thoughts-in that event I would be admitted to hospital.

So how do I feel after explains all the current facts-I feel so upset, desperate, alone, frightened, overwhelmed & broken hearted at the current state, the underfunded & lack of support services for mental health compared to other health areas, the sadness & fear at being overwhelmed by this illness, and most of all today my heart breaks at the loss & grief I feel for struggling so hard to "find my real self" under the layers of the illness & sadness that my family rarely see & enjoy experiences with the person I truly am beyond this illness.

They see the symptoms & the struggles & my mum cried & my husband was distressed at how much this illness has taken from my life. They say how much they "miss me" & how it breaks their hearts to know who I truly am & to grieve for that person because they now mostly see the effects of the illness & the rare glimpses they see of the person they know I am makes it even harder as they miss me so much.

I grieve for myself too-I am so sad knowing I still exist but I'm hidden under layers of pain & trauma & the devastation this illness can cause. Will I ever feel happy again? Will I ever return to the bright social butterfly who had many friends. Will I ever feel a sense of achievement again when I was such a high achiever & thrived on mental stimulation & challenges. Will I ever break this despair? This loss of the real me? Will I ever be social or interact again given I'm completely isolated & rarely leave the house & have no one to talk to from the time my kids go to school to the time they come home?

And the biggest question-will I ever experience recovery or even hope of some forms of recovery? I'm so broken by this constant battle. And the destruction it creates in so many ways ie low or zero Selfesteem, feeling a failure, losing confidence in most of my abilities, blaming myself for anything, apologising for anything to the point I'm almost apologising for my existence, feeling unlovable, avoiding people & situations because I fear being transparent as a loser. Fearing this could get even worse.

So basically fearing a lifetime of struggle to find myself again when I'm up against a monster of an illness that's winning at the moment. I'm too afraid to think of the future because if this is my future then my existence is purely for the sake of my children. And I'm so sad because if I had known the battle I'd have with depression, traumatic events, PTSD & anxiety-I would of crammed so much into my life before it hit me so at least I'd experienced happiness & adventures & many different experiences so at least I could say I made the most of and lived my life to the absolute fullest before I got sick.

I don't in anyway want to or mean to come across as a victim in feeling sorry for myself. I know there are so so many people hurting & struggling in so many ways & forms & it can always be worse. So my intention isn't meant to express myself as the only person in pain. I am grateful for many things such as my children & living in a country without war or external traumas.

I try to be thankful & humble for what I do have & do think of and feel for all people in pain or suffering whatever form it may take.

I just felt so sad today I needed to try express myself to keep me safe & to clarify my thoughts by attempting to express them-as in doing so I thought I might feel some of the fog lift. So I've literally just written this without thought & I hope it makes sense.

I think of, and feel for all of you experiencing pain & battling this illness. I care & hope I can support many of you on this journey. And I'd also like to express my sincere gratitude for all of you & especially to thank those who have provided me with hope & care.

Today I know one of my dear friends is battling through this illness & my heart goes out to them. I hope each of you experience some hope, support & care.

Lve Mares xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares,

This is unfortunately a quick reply ... but I'll be back on again soon.  I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.  I know that things are terrible for you and I so wish that it was different - for all of us.

I do think however, that it's good that your husband now seems to have come on board and that he even called Beyond Blue.

But from what I hear, I don't think it's good enough ... not on you or your hubby's behalf, but on the professional help teams ... and goodness me, your psych!!  They should be doing things right now for you.

How has your search for other psychs gone??   Have you had any news or success there?  Oh gee, if I could make those calls for you, I would.  I think it's a bit like everyone when they hear that someone is suffering, they (we) feel helpless for the other person, because we want to be there ... to make calls, to support, to make you a cup of tea even.  Anything.

Mares, would calling your GP again be of any help??

I'm thinking of you ... keep focussed at this time ...

There'll be others on here very soon.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

I agree with Neil, this is not good enough from your psych.  Can you contact your GP to see if they can refer you to another psych urgently.

You have been through so much lately and your state of mind is not good, I really feel for you and I wish I could help you more.

It's good that your husband took the day off, he must be seeing just how bad you really are and maybe he is trying now to help you.  Let him.

Mares, I am thinking and praying for you that you feel even a tiny bit better.  Pls stay strong, you deserve to be happy, you deserve it Mares.

Pls take care, I'll check in on you later

Jo xxx

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mares,

I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. We are truly kindred spirits as we mentioned when you took time out to post to me. I so understand what you are going through.

The isolation, despair, grief for all you have lost, guilt for worrying your family and the actual physical pain deep in your soul - I get it!

Mares I don't want to say chin up, you will get better eventually. Because I know you won't believe it because I never believed it. I could never get out from under the clouds. I tried to be 'normal' and even though I couldn't work I tried to maintain various commitments.

At the end of the day though I was alone. You know that saying, " I still feel alone even in a room full of people" that was me.

I cannot believe your psych of 8 years treated you with such a blasé attitude. No way is this acceptable. It always comes down to if someone hasn't had depression then they can't understand, but OMG she is a professional ( supposedly)

Ok Mares, you need help  not cheering up !How good that your husband is on board. If you have a good relationship with your gp then I think you should start there and ask as a matter of urgency that you cannot wait till Monday to see a psych.

From what you have said about your state of mind I fully believe you need to be in hospital where you can have experts help you and give you what you need- understanding, support, empathy and some hope.

Mares I have been where you are. Just writing this I can actually feel my heart race and my breathing become laboured. I sometimes feel like I am only a phone call away from re -admission myself but hey remember I just started a job!

If you had told me that even 2 months ago I would have said no way.

This is past something you can handle yourself- be kind to yourself, it's time to look after yourself so you can get back to being the person you are- not were , are.That person is still there, just having a bit of a hibernation.

Please let me know how you go

Thinking of you

Stressless

[JessF]

Hi Mares, what a beautifully written post, I hope that despite all the pain in it that writing it was helpful for you, you express yourself so well.  As for the private psych - what a joke! Now I feel like quoting Groucho Marx, 'if I were you, I wouldn't pay it!'  I agree with the others that its great your husband now seems to realise how serious this is and is making calls and doing things. Perhaps he can phone back that acute team that was so helpful to you and get you to see another psych on the public team (they should have more than one). They can't palm you off now because you can say that you are no longer being treated by Little Miss Foboff.  I'm so sorry that all this running around is necessary.  

That acute team seemed to be the most helpful, so get hubby to call them and not get off the phone till there's a solution. The squeaky wheel gets the oil as they say. You shouldn't have to do it but keep pushing for it.

[Mares73]

Hi all, Wednesday & nothing has changed.

My husband had to go to work & so I'm alone today, frightened of my fragile state. I think the lack of support has been the final straw.Yes I could ph acute team but I don't want to be hospitalised, especially at the public local hospital which is a major Sydney hospital in an area of high drug use so on .

ive only been to a private hospital once & after a week I left feeling more traumatised than when I went in. I could see 3-4 Pyschs & they would each have a different opinion & medication preferences. So I'm staying in house until Monday & now I'm crying because I'm so alone & I've always been a fighter given the life I've had & where is the hope for me?

I've tried everything suggested or recommended. And now my husband wants to put me somewhere else because he says he can't be my support & he has his job & I need my own support.  But my pysch won't do anything until Monday.

I need to find the strength to find a Pyschologist & I'm so overwhelmed. I'm in pieces today & have no one to call. I don't feel capable of doing or promising not to do anything.

Stressless I cried reading your post. Jess you are always so wise & supportive & Neil I wish I was in this state because I'm worried for you-but sadly I'm not. It's beyond me what is happening. I have to try so so hard to hang in there & I'm a mess not knowing what to do, who to talk to or how to stay out of hospital.

I know I'm dangerously low so I have to try look up Pyschologists or try get some help-and do that by myself when I'm in the worst state I've been in. I want to be held so much, I want to be reassured ill get through this. It's so sad being on my own when I just need some comfort, almost like a child would (except I didn't have a childhood but that's a different story).

I have cried & cried for the past hour as my mum who would usually say "just get over it"  actually listened as I read my above post to her. She said I could go & stay with her for a week as she lives on her own & I'd be safe. I know she doesn't understand but maybe it's better than being in hospital.

So if I can work out something for the kids then I could go stay with my mum until my appointment with my Pysch on Monday.

She doesn't have the understanding to provide support but maybe it's best because if I get any lower I would be hospitalised. And if the acute team saw & spoke to me now-and I was honest-they told my husband that in that case I wouldn't have a choice-they are obligated by law to admit me if I express intent to self harm.

So my friends, I wish so much I could be with one of you & have a hug & a cuppa.

This is truly the only place I feel understood. And because my husband used to be a social worker in a mental health unit, he had a discussion with someone at BB & also the Acute team about the reality of the state of mental health.

Yes services like BB are exceptional but beyond that there are not many community resources to go around & due to funding limitations, the priority is for those people who are trying to live in the community manage rather than people who have a family.

And even if I expressed intent to harm-all that would happen is I'd be locked up so I can't hurt myself. There is so little therapeutic value. BB & Acute team also agreed how difficult it was to find good professional support-especially Pyschiatrists. They said it was a process of trial & error & that was very hard to do if you're unwell.

I'm worn out. I never imagined even remotely that I'd end up in this state. And I'm so frightened & overwhelmed by thoughts of whether ill always be fighting this battle, how will I cope with responsibilities & & will i ever know what happiness feels like again.

To all of you, I'm so sorry you are in pain. You are my support & I want to be yours. I'm sorry if I haven't kept up with many of you due to my current state but I think of you & I will try see how you are as soon as able.  Lve Mares 

[JessF]

Mares I'm going to keep this short because I'm not sure how tiring it is for you to read long things at the moment. I think you should:

1. Go to your mums

2. Tell your husband he has to take care of the children

3. Don't worry about anything else until your psych appointment on Monday

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mares,

I totally agree with Jess. You need some hugs and cuppas something I'm sure your mum can provide.

No need to talk unless you feel like it. - mum will understand. and hubby being in the know will get it and look after the kids.

My heart is aching for you because I can't reach out and give you a cuddle- I am sending you a big one though right now.

Mares don't struggle any more today- Please ring your mum now!

Sending you heaps of positive vibes

be kind to yourself- now

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I can only echo what others have said- if you can go somewhere like your Mums to get some space and breathign room  until Monday. I also reinforce what Jess said- don't worry about anything else until Monday. Let the world be something that happens to other people unless you feel strong enough to leave the house. Don't feel that there is mysterious force compelling you to leave the house or take on too much. 

You don't need to do anything other than what YOU need.

Take Care,

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy,  

My dear friend … please do as the other wonderful people have advised … you suggested it, and we’ve agreed that it’s a great idea.  

Take some things with you that you are familiar with … books or whatever … a favourite pillow perhaps.  

But please do this … it’s important … YOU’RE important.  

Please take care, you’re in all of our thoughts,  

Neil