Alone and Acceptance

[Indra]

This weekend was the first for me to be fully alone. Children were away and the house was very empty and quiet.

I tried to keep myself busy, but you find yourself slipping back to thinking in the negative. Tears were shed at random moments. The sting of a partner gone all to prevelant.

I then think to myself, well this is your lot in life, need to start preparing for a life alone. I truly feel that one should not have to be alone. Unfortunately with my circumstances that is a reality I am now facing. 

So what do you do when friends don't call back or you are limited in what you can join? BB is a great help, people listen and care, but the lack of physical contact can start to wear you down. I have a fear of if something happened to me - who would know? 

I know I am the only person who can change this - trying to find the inner strength to do this is the challenge. 

I wonder????

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

Sorry I had forgotten to add - my son being a runner is NOT a good thing. He has to be watched constantly or he will actually run off/away and his road sense is not terribly good. He has gotten out on a couple of occasions and had to involve the police. It is very stressful!

Cheers,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi there Indra

Awesome to receive your latest response – ain’t it grand how with a few minor tweaks or adjustments to our language or writing, we’re able to deliver slightly different meanings.   I did enjoy your raccoon reference – I wonder how many people have suffered from that;  and I’ve got to admit, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard it called that.  Loved it.  🙂

Ah, with the gym equipment, while sticking to the equipment you know is the safe and easiest way to go – it could come a time in the future, that you may wish to expand a bit and try to find out how these other ones work?   From a staff member, if they roam around or from a possibly friendly looking fellow gym goer, who you’ve spied them using it – the gym I go too, we’re only too  happy to help out newbies who are wishing to find out how something works.  That way it’ll give your session a bit more ‘bite’ and also will target slightly different muscles – always good to keep them guessing.

There’s an old saying, ‘never say never’, just in regard to future relationships, etc – so just toddle along at the moment, but who knows what happen down the track or around the corner.   I’m guessing also that your little one being just that little bit older no doubt got to know your fiancée a lot more than his own father, purely because of the age of your little chap.

Insecurities – short comings in their own lives, yes, I think that’s sure part of it – but I think perhaps once a bully, always a bully – perhaps they were bully’s as children and have simply grown up and kept their mongrel tendancies – a possibility.

Oh boy, now I understand your term of ‘runner’ – that would be very frightening for something like that to happen.

Kind regards

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

That is certainly the truth with word play! I have always been interested in English and I am a voracious reader. That's is half the battle- the more you read, the more you learn, hence the more you know!

I have been keeping busy with the school week and school holidays start on Friday - that is a day of mixed emotions. Will trying my hardest to keep two boys entertained in winter - no mean feat!

I had a good gym session - I had the place to myself. It is a 24 hour one and it was nice to slog it out without feeling selfconcious lol I felt better afterwards and it was a great delight not to feel sore the next day - back to it tomorrow.

I know I shouldn't consume myself with wondering what may be - I am very focused on my boys, but I guess the feeling comes from being very lonely at the moment. My youngest's age was a partial factor - it was more that my fiancee was a lot more involved with the boys than my ex husband. He taught them a lot of things and actually spent time with them willingly. I guess that is the main part of the hurt. No the raw emotion is starting to calm; down, I have been reflecting/thinking of the relationship and a partial conclusion was that I was being played for the fool in the last four months of the relationship. Definitely a live and learn moment.

What you said about the bullying part does hold some truth - the other part I feel is that bullies tend to prey upon people that they think are weaker or not at their "level".

Yep - it is frightening my son's running and he is very much an opportunist. Part of it comes from the reluctance to go on visitation. I have my keys on me at all times and my house is almost fortress like! He is getting slightly better - we can go to the shops or hairdresser without too much fuss - usually a bribe attached - hey whatever works!

Well, hopefully I can get some sleep at some stage - not too much in the last two nights - definitely don't need black eyeliner haha

Hope you are travelling well, and thank you again for spending the time to respond to me.

Cheers,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi Indra

Ahhh yes, but it all depends on our reading material, don’t it.  If you’re reading good books with knowledge in them, then yes, you are no doubt inclined to learn more, as long as you have the grey matter to store that.  But for me, I study race-guides like they’re going out of fashion, but it’s kinda harder to acquire knowledge from those.  🙂

Yes yes, school hols are just around the corner – which is always a fun time, or not.  🙂   Children dependent isn’t it.   But for the most part, it’s always a lot more relaxing of a morning not having the hassle of getting them up and lunches made, etc etc.   Fortunately ours are a lot older now, well, 17 and 14, so it has changed a fair bit with them over the years.  So believe me, I’ve found that it gets better as they get older.   I’ve always been told way back in the day, that as they get older, it gets worse;  but I’m inclined to disagree with this theory.

These 24 hour gyms are jumping up all over the place and it’s a good thing – and as you say, sometimes you can be there and for the most part, you can have the gym to yourself, which is an amazing thing – as long as you’re not lifting too heavy on the bench press and can’t get the weight back up;  ahh, but that’s a story for another time!

And as you say, ‘whatever works’, be it bribes or the like with your children to get them to ‘play ball’.   Those are the two key words in my opinion, “whatever works”, and so it’s nice to hear that you are able to get to the shops or other places now and have some semblance of order and not so much chaos.

I’m hoping this message finds you a bit more rested and that you’ve been able to snare a few more hours sleep as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

I agree with you totally on the choice of reading material. I avoid trashy stuff like the plague (ie the 50 Shades of Grey series),but tend to seek out more well written fiction and occasionally some non fiction. The raceguide lol As long as you are picking some winners though. You would get along well with my Dad then - that is his thing as well - even watches the race channel on Foxtel like some people would a series haha He has done well for himself with it over the years though - so tinny lol

That is the plus of school holidays not having to rush around - if only my two would sleep in. An anxious night here as I prepare for my son to be away for the week. Lots of reassurance and cuddles. Now to keep my miniman busy and entertained. At least that may keep my from having a down time. I am glad that your two teenagers are good kids then - at the regular part of my son's high school some of the "normal" kids - you just have to shake your head!

I take it you had a weight lifting mishap at the gym then?

It is a case of whatever works for our household or picking your battles. I raise the proverbial eyebrow when I get questioned about certain things that I have to do to get by with my boys. There are no hard and fast rules I feel when you are raising kids - I think people get to wound up with what "experts" say or what I book tells them what should be happening and when. Sorry a touchy subject for me!

Hope you are travelling well and that you and your family have a great weekend! Hopefully the sun may appear!

Cheers,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi there Indra

Yes, I hope that the sun will shine on the weekend and even if it doesn’t, we’re still here and breathing and really, that is the main thing.

I’m just a bit shocked this morning by the tragic news of the Adelaide Crows coach being murdered – things like this always knock me around a bit.

Sounds like I would get along with your Dad very well – this was something me and my Dad loved and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to ring him up on a Friday night to talk to him about who he was going to have a bet on.  We did that every Friday night (or Saturday morning – if I was out and about on the Friday night);  and then we’d have the follow up post mortem call about how the tips went and the races went, etc.   Ok, enough about that – I miss that so much.

But yes, Foxtel and the races – all those years growing up on the farm, and I’d have my little transistor listening to the races in my room – now I think of it, because I was so young, I couldn’t bet money, so I’d have mental bets – and look at me now with mental health issues – my mental bets never came home and hence I lost my mind.  🙂  Oh, you’ve gotta laugh, otherwise you’d cry.  🙂

Oh, that gym thing was many moons ago – and the gym was largely empty and I went a bit too heavy on the bench press and had to roll the damn thing over my chest and down to my waist, so I could sit up and get it off me that way.   Have never made that mistake again.

Wishing you a lovely weekend also.

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

Hope all is well with you. Have had a pretty chaotic time - as I have mentioned on other threads - family dramas, ex dramas - but the end of the day I am starting to feel a bit more positive with everything. I am also hanging out for Friday when my eldest son comes home!

The tragedy of the Crow's coach was pretty shocking, but was heartwarming to see all of the support from the AFL to not only his family but the club as well.

I don't actually see eye to eye with my father - he was the cause of a lot of the turmoil from myself and my brother's. I do put that aside for the sake of my children and be fair so they can be a part of their grandfather's life. My brother doesn't as my father is his step-father, but families and their issues are just a part of life I think.

I am glad that was a common interest for you and your father, but also sorry to hear that you miss that part of your life. Dare I ask that your Dad is no longer with us? I must say that I am old enough to remember having transistor radio, records and cassettes lol I did get a laugh with the mental bets - I think I have always done better when I didn't actually have money on a race - not that I have done it all that often!

The gym story was good and being a long time ago, I bet you have learnt from experience lol Would have been a bit scary at the time though. The closest I get is using the hand weights - I told you that I played it safe! Unfortunately, I have to wait until school goes back before I can hit the gym again. Running around after my boys is a workout in itself lol

Hears to things looking up and see what the rest of the week has instore - it certainly has started off interesting!

Cheers,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi there Indra

Great to hear back from you.

As I mentioned just on another thread, with the forecast on the way, it’s looking like we’re needing to baton down the hatches as it’s all turning nasty, from about now.  Rain coming down now, but apparently could turn to snow by Sunday.  We’ll see though – forecasts and predictions are often that, predictions that may not really come true.

Family dramas really do suck.  I mean for all the people in the world, you’d think that family would be half decent and true kind of people, but alas, it ain’t always the case and you know it, and I also, unfortunately know it as well.   Just like the old saying isn’t it, you can choose friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.

Indra, yes, I lost my Dad to leukaemia in 2007 and it doesn’t get easier – well for me, it doesn’t.   Even this morning I felt like grabbing the phone to give him a call.  I couldn’t tell you how many thousands upon thousands of times I’ve thought AND wanted to do that.   And to top things off, Mum passed away last October.

I do hope you can manage to have a nice and even lovely weekend.  

Where-ever you are, stay warm and safe.  🙂

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

So sorry to hear of the losses of both your Dad and Mum. How incredibly hard to deal with, and I know not much consolation from me, I am glad you have fond memories and have been able to share them. I admire your strength with this.

On a lighter note, when I read your reply about the weather, the sun had been shining outside! It didn't last very long lol Now, like everywhere else it has been cold, wet and windy!!! Although, shouldn't complain - it tis winter and give everyone 6 months and they will be complaining about the heat. My hard task is entertaining my boys!! 

I had been feeling a little happier of late, but kind of slid a little - as long as I keep heading upwards, I hope to get there! 

I enjoyed reading about the family soap operas - I think that is the best way to describe them! I choose now not to divulge too much to mine - they end up gossiping amongst themselves!  So true for the adage about family and friends as well - hit the nail on the proverbial head there haha

My eldest son returned home yesterday - so we won't be venturing too far this weekend. He likes the security of being home and with me when he returns. Trying to stay warm here - I'll think about my power bill later!!

Well wishes for you and your family as well this weekend -

Take care,

Indra ☕☕

[Neil_1]

Hi Indra

Great to hear from you.

That’s what this mongrel process is all about or does to us – we sometimes have sunny times, but then we slide and a lot of the time, it’s for no apparent reason and the happiness is overtaken again.  I think it’s important to know this, cause then we know that we can head back to some happier times again;  we’ve just gotta keep going and working at it.  And yes, it can be damn hard to do.

Isn’t it funny, how much of a talking point weather can be – heat, cold, wind, rain, sleet, snow, even mild conditions, people always comment about the weather;  like it’s a conversation starter.  Humans are funny people.

But yeah, when the weather is extreme for either condition, and it’s mostly indoor activities, I’d imagine you’d be needing to have a number of things in place to help keep your boys occupied and their attention from waning.

When you say your eldest returned home – how long was he away for?  And how long is he going to be with you?

Kind regards

Neil