Eating woes

[quince]

Hey everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has some ideas or suggestions to help me out.

I'm a 30 year old woman, currently staying with my parents while I'm stuck here during the pandemic. Since the start of the year I've fallen back into old eating disorder patterns. I've been well for the past 8 years, though admittedly the past 2 years have been up and down with restricting. I'm on a mental health care plan for depression, and have been working through things a bit with my psychologist, however a couple of weeks ago we decided it was best to get my GP involved as things haven't been improving.

I saw my GP, and he wanted me to make a commitment to stop purging (such a shitty behaviour that I hate), and to make a partial disclosure about the issues I have with eating, so that I don't have to 'put on a show' in front of my parents that I am eating normally.

So basically, I am seeing my GP again on Friday, and I have managed to achieve neither of these things I committed to. I am worried about what he will say/do next, and also just feeling really physically exhausted and tired of everything.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to family about eating issues without feeling like you're a massive disappointment to them? Or just general words or reassurance?

x quince

[quince]

Thanks Sophie, and sorry for being a bit too specific in my post.

I appreciate the links and might have a proper look at doing the Beyond Now plan. I'm familiar with the Butterfly Foundation, but having another look today I've noticed they have online support groups, so I might see what that's about.

I really don't like the idea of contacting helplines in those moments because I'm worried they will either think I'm overreacting, or the police will arrive or something. But I know it's important to use them and it always comes to mind as an option. "Talk to someone, wait until tomorrow," is what my GP always used to tell me.

I got through a lot of my studying, and then went out for a walk, a drink and a snack, so my day got better. I'm going to go to bed early and hope tomorrow I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with myself.

quince x

[golden82]

Hi Quince,

Sorry to read you have been in a rough patch. Try to still treat yourself kindly. The butterfly online chat/ support group...

I have used it numerous times since the beginning of last year. It is held on a Mon night 6.30-8pm (adelaide time) not sure your time. You can go on anonymously and it tends to be a small group maybe 5 to 10. There is a facilitator from butterfly and a question or topic each week that we discuss. Most of the time i have found it useful. But it has had lots of tech issues so i haven't bothered a couple of months which is frustrating especially as it is only once a week.

I think it is worth keeping in mind and in your toolkit of support options. I hope you feel better. I have had another crap day with 'family' exclusion as always which has upset me and keeps lowering my worth. This sort of stuff is what affects my ed. Anyway the butterfly topics can help with all this. I might log in tomorrow. Take care 🙂

[quince]

Hey golden, I really appreciate your reply.

Thanks for you insights on the support group - it's made me feel a bit more comfortable to check it out. I'm in Adelaide too 🙂

Sorry to hear you've had another crap day. Keep in mind that your worth hasn't really lowered at all - perhaps your perception of it has - but you're just as worthy as anyone else.

I will take care, and you too. x

[InhaleExhale]

Hey Quince,

The helplines won’t think you are overreacting (you’re not) and I don’t think they call the police unless you are at immediate risk of serious harm to yourself or others. I believe it’s more of a collaborative approach around working out what the best course of action for you might be (often that will just be having a chat to you). I’d encourage you to give them a try, even just the webchat instead of over the phone. They can be a great part of your support system.

How did you go last night sleeping? 2am sounds like such a late night to me! Sounds like maybe you are a shift worker so probably normal for you. I’m quite stressed at the moment due to the uncertainty around covid and how this effects uni class and work (although I am in VIC). I’m impressed that you got thought a lot of your study yesterday, I am completely unmotivated. Well done to you.

It sounds like you have identified a pattern of thoughts and behaviours around purging. I think it’s really important that you are aware of this as it can help to change the way you react in the long run. Also, there’s no need to apologise for being negative, I think you are just describing what’s been going on for you and you are having a really rough time. Please keep writing and find some time for rest.

InhaleExhale

[quince]

Thanks InhaleExhale. I can definitely see the value in helplines, and I know they are something I need to utilise when I'm feeling bad. I would always recommend them to others, but somehow I always feel like I'm not 'bad' enough or desperate enough to use them, even if I'm feeling kind of desperate. Probably just playing into my hangups about not being 'enough' in general actually! Ha!

A little update:

I'm really proud of myself for 8 days without purging. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I think it's a record for me since about feb/march.

I saw my psych last week (the one that dumped/undumped me). In the usual fashion, she hit on something in the last 5 minutes of our session about me not having any goals. I feel like I already knew this, but she found it quite important. I woke up the next day feeling completely sick, and after a bit of self-reflection and uncontrollable crying, realised that this is actually a very important part of the whole problem. I don't acknowledge goals I might have because the pressure to achieve is too great. I'm so worried about how it would feel to fail that I can't even fathom the idea of trying and not succeeding. I am a perfectionist, but to a point where I'm so mad at myself for not having my life completely together that the eating disorder is serving as a way to both punish myself for this, as well as feel like I am at least 'good at' or in control of something. It seems obvious, but it also feels like a lot of work ahead to figure this all out. Like, how do I feel okay with my life? How do I have goals beyond being underweight, especially if it means risking the mortifying prospect of not succeeding?

In other news, I let myself sleep until midday today (which is not usually something I allow) and it felt wonderful. Though I am still completely exhausted and wishing for a mental reprieve from all the thinking.

x quince

[Emmen]

Hello quince,

Congratulations! 8 days is definitely an achievement!

You mentioned that you don't have goals because the pressure to succeed is great. You've also observed that you're a perfectionist, and in that sense, the pressure that's put on you is by yourself. Perhaps it is time for you to start challenging that train of thought. One way that works for me is to ask "so what?", as in, so what if I fail? What are the consequences to this? Chances are, the real consequences of failing are not as bad as you would have made it out to be in your mind (the consequence of being a perfectionist).

You can also start small with having smaller goals instead of huge life goals. Maybe by doing that, you'll be more accustomed to both failures and successes that you're less hesitant about failing.

In all honesty, quince, I see that you already have a goal to be rid of your eating disorder. You're doing everything you can to help yourself. And I respect you greatly for even beginning on this journey. It's not always your successes that matter, but the fact that you even try. So don't fear failure because by simply starting on a journey, you've opened up so many possibilities for yourself. The outcomes may not always be exactly what you were hoping for, but it doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes these so-called "failures" are what we need for us to realise what we really want.

Warmly,
M

[quince]

Struggling today.

I'm so tired (in an emotional sense), and all I want to do is be asleep. I stayed up way too late last night, drank wine when I shouldn't have, binged/purged, and then slept until midday. And now I feel awful.

I'm angry and frustrated and I don't have the energy for anything. I need to be studying today, but just the thought makes me want to hide. I know that I should be looking after myself and being kind to myself, and I'm trying. I got up, showered, bought myself a coffee, and I've come to the library so I can't just go back to bed. But I also don't want to let myself eat because I messed up, and that's not okay. But then I'm not really looking after myself am I?

So I'm kind of just sitting in the library doing nothing, because I'm torn between being kind and being awful to myself, wanting to be asleep but also trying to keep going, and feeling equally frustrated that I can't just get on and do the things I need to do with my day. I'm just very tired of the mental gymnastics and just want it all to go away.

M - Thanks for your support. Re-reading your reply reminds me that I can be really hard on myself, and trying is a good start. x

[Emmen]

Hello quince,

There are always ups and downs in the recovery journey. You don't deserve to be punished with not eating because of one "down" night.

The thing about sitting in libraries and studying - or studying in general - is that it's an activity even people who aren't fighting an eating disorder have no motivation to do. You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to study, quince. I've yet to meet a single person who wakes up enthusiastically planning a day's study. Unfortunately it's just one of those things we have to drag ourselves through because the end of our education journeys will reap rewards (in terms of employment, financial freedom etc.). I used to study for an hour or two and then schedule breaks for myself where I could do mindless things like watching YouTube or an episode of something I enjoyed. And it was these activities I'd wake up looking forward to. So don't beat yourself up because you had no energy to study. Perhaps try giving yourself something exciting to look forward to in the day as well (a.k.a. be kind to yourself).

You'll be okay, qunice. My support will always be with you through this journey 🙂

Warmly,
M

[quince]

Thanks so much Emmen. I've been trying to go super-easy on myself and not beat myself up when I don't feel up to studying. It's been helpful to slow down a bit and acknowledge where I'm at and trying to do what I can to meet my needs at that time. This has meant a lot of sleeping and early nights, which has made everything a bit easier to tackle.

So I've made the decision to stop seeing my psychologist and find another one. I saw my GP today and he agrees. I really dislike calling up different practices to try and find someone new though. The clinic I was referred to isn't taking new clients until late November! Are there just not enough psychologists around to meet the demand? It's a frustrating process but I really hope I can find someone who can see me soon.

Apparently I'm gaining weight, which I suppose is good, even though every part of me is screaming that it's not okay and I need it to go down again. I understand that to succeed in overcoming this, I need to "fail" at maintaining the eating disorder, which is a difficult thing to re-frame. My doctor highlighted that I am depressed and do have an eating disorder, both of which I like to dismiss as 'nothing' and that I should just get over it. But, like he reminded me, I've already tried "just getting over it" and it didn't work. It's weird because it all feels so normal. I questioned whether I am actually depressed at the moment, and he got me to reflect on the things I had told him about how I've been lately - low mood, exhausted, not wanting to get out of bed, tearful. And I didn't tell him, but plenty of harmful thoughts too. I suppose that's not really normal. It gets really murky when you're in it, I guess. One day when I'm feeling good again, I'm sure I'll be able to look back at this time and really see it clearly.

What a lot of rambling thoughts.

[Kilian]

Hello Quince

i started to read you and is exactly how I’ve been feeling the last year, I also have eating disorders for the last 10 years, it’s really a new fight every day and is so exhausted mentally and physically, sometimes I also drink To get out the feelings about myself and even tho I have an amazing family (husband and a son) it’s been hard to cope been away from my family in other country, I feel so lonely sometimes,...

im also depressed because I’m gaining weight and I found myself with zero motivation to workout again... 😭

besides all the bad things I’m happy to finally found this forum I know people like you ... 💓

xx