Eating woes

[quince]

Hey everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has some ideas or suggestions to help me out.

I'm a 30 year old woman, currently staying with my parents while I'm stuck here during the pandemic. Since the start of the year I've fallen back into old eating disorder patterns. I've been well for the past 8 years, though admittedly the past 2 years have been up and down with restricting. I'm on a mental health care plan for depression, and have been working through things a bit with my psychologist, however a couple of weeks ago we decided it was best to get my GP involved as things haven't been improving.

I saw my GP, and he wanted me to make a commitment to stop purging (such a shitty behaviour that I hate), and to make a partial disclosure about the issues I have with eating, so that I don't have to 'put on a show' in front of my parents that I am eating normally.

So basically, I am seeing my GP again on Friday, and I have managed to achieve neither of these things I committed to. I am worried about what he will say/do next, and also just feeling really physically exhausted and tired of everything.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to family about eating issues without feeling like you're a massive disappointment to them? Or just general words or reassurance?

x quince

[quince]

Hey Kilian,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment, and you're feeling lonely. It's really hard when you're away from your family, even with video calling etc. I can really relate to struggling with gaining weight. My GP calls this a kind of grief for letting go of usual coping strategies. I've been trying to re-frame this instead as looking at all the things I can gain in my life by moving forward from disordered eating. It's really hard though, I absolutely get that. Do you have anyone supporting you at the moment? Like a friend, or a professional like a doctor, counsellor or psychologist? I hope you're doing okay and taking care of yourself the best you can.

x quince

[quince]

Just need to get this out.

I am so tired. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't because I am so far behind with uni work I just have to keep going. I have to work the next three days/nights too, which is only going to make me more tired.

I know I'm making the choice to study and work, but I need to so I feel like I'm making any kind of life progress. It just doesn't seem like it's possible to take any time for myself without falling drastically behind with uni. And then I get stressed. Some days I know I need to take care of myself but there's no time.

I haven't eaten yet today because I'm bargaining with myself, which is not the healthy thing to do, but I just can't. It's too hard to challenge myself today. But I am worried that not eating will lead to other behaviours later on, and it's all too hard and I can't be bothered with any of it. Sleeping would be preferable.

Also, my partner just got hit with a possible bipolar diagnosis, which is kind of confronting for him and also me. We're in separate countries because of covid, but I just want to be there with him. And I obviously can't lean on him too much right now with my own stuff, which is why I'm here.

Sorry/thank you/that's all.

[Sophie_M]

Hey there,
Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community.  It sounds like you are really overwhelmed by everything you have to get done and are feeling a great deal of pressure to keep going and push past your limits. We hope you try your best to take really good care of yourself today and we really encourage you to have something to eat to help you concentrate and give you some energy to tackle everything!
If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
If you haven’t already, we encourage you to have a quick read of this “Supporting Someone with a mental health condition” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anx... which may help you feel a bit less stressed about your partners new diagnosis.
 
Take Care,
 
Mod Support Team.

[Medo]

Hi all i am new to this all but this is my last resort. Suffering from depression and anxiety since 2011. i was treated in 2016 did DBT Therapy which helped getting out of depression started living a normal life but it has all resurfaced a few months ago. i am really scared of falling back into it all, noone understands, i feel alone and battling this all on my own, i feel exhausted, drained and very hard for me to get on with it. i need help but don't know what to do, booked an appt with my psychiatrist that is not til late October, booked in Schema that's not til February next year, i can't hold that long, feel like my life is slipping away from me and i have no control. Thanks for listening guys. Sorry if i am not in the right chat room, don't know how this all works, first time posting.

[Sophie_M]

Hey there Medo,

welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. When we have mental health issues it can be normal for our mental health to fluctuate and for us to have periods where we are well and periods where we are unwell. It is great that you have identified that things feel like they are getting out of control and that you are trying to get help.  Late October feels like a long time away when you are struggling so much. In the mean time if you think spekaing to a counsellor would help we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Kind Regards,
Mod Support Team. 

[quince]

Thanks Mods,

I'm all good. I just needed to vent some of those thoughts without putting them on my partner. I ate some things and am feeling much better mentally today.

[quince]

Hey Medo,

Welcome and thanks for reaching out. It's really hard to feel like you're battling everything alone, and I completely understand that worry of whether you're slipping back into it all. Sometimes (unfortunately) these kinds of mental health issues do ebb and flow, but it's really good that you have the insight to recognise that you're not feeling very in control. I think it's a pretty good suggestion of getting some outside support from a counsellor (eg the Beyond Blue Support Line) while you wait for your psychiatrist appointment. What do you think?

In the mean time, I hope looking through the forums helps you feel like you're not alone. There are some great threads on here - some of my favourites are in the "Staying Well" section, which can be a good place to hang out and find the good moments in each day, or practice gratitude etc. You might also like to start your own thread that you can share your story in, and keep coming back to for support from others when you need it.

Hope you're doing okay.

x quince

[golden82]

Hi Quince.

Just read your posts now, sorry you had a rough day with ed. But good for you reaching out. And even better that you managed better and noticed how it makes you feel better too. I had a rough day ed wise too..i fall into this pattern of not eating until late at night..and lately occasionally bargaining with self whether to have a proper meal like a soup, or just coffees. But what i have done on those harder days is have a piece of fruit for dinner. So i did that last night and ate a big pear for dinner. Whilst i know it is not the soup i aim for, but it is still better than just the coffees by adding the fruit. If this makes sense. I guess i am just suggesting if it all gets too hard and you want to give in completely and have nothing, to try find something manageable for that day. It is still a little win for your body and mind. As you say ebbs and flows..just keep doing a bit better. It is all progress. You are doing great 🙂

[quince]

Thanks for your support golden. I totally understand the bargaining thing. I do the same, but it's quite exhausting hey. I'm trying to use the mantra "less thinking, more doing", which sometimes helps circumvent that process if I can manage to just act without going through all the mental back and forth. I'm glad you're able to have a pear on the occasions that are tricky. At least you're getting some good nutrients that coffee can't provide.

I'm in my usual Sunday morning "I messed up yet again" feeling of remorse, shame and disparaging self-talk. I haven't been doing so well the last week/fortnight, and I realised this morning just how much I am completely punishing my body in so many ways. It's kind of sad. I've been thinking of dropping the unit I'm doing for uni because I just haven't been able to get it done without crying and going back to bed, and I just feel stupid. I've been spending literal hours in my room trying to figure out how to do things/get ready/leave the house without seeing any of my housemates. And the way I have been eating has just been so far from normal.

I know all these things are not good, and luckily I have some well-timed appointments tomorrow with my GP and meeting a new psychologist too.

I don't really know what I want to get out of writing this all down, but maybe just acknowledging that it's been a hard week. I really want a break from everything. It would be super-nice to go on a holiday from your brain and body hey! Haha ugh. Never mind.

Hope anyone reading is doing okay.

x quince.