Eating woes

[quince]

Hey everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has some ideas or suggestions to help me out.

I'm a 30 year old woman, currently staying with my parents while I'm stuck here during the pandemic. Since the start of the year I've fallen back into old eating disorder patterns. I've been well for the past 8 years, though admittedly the past 2 years have been up and down with restricting. I'm on a mental health care plan for depression, and have been working through things a bit with my psychologist, however a couple of weeks ago we decided it was best to get my GP involved as things haven't been improving.

I saw my GP, and he wanted me to make a commitment to stop purging (such a shitty behaviour that I hate), and to make a partial disclosure about the issues I have with eating, so that I don't have to 'put on a show' in front of my parents that I am eating normally.

So basically, I am seeing my GP again on Friday, and I have managed to achieve neither of these things I committed to. I am worried about what he will say/do next, and also just feeling really physically exhausted and tired of everything.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to family about eating issues without feeling like you're a massive disappointment to them? Or just general words or reassurance?

x quince

[Emmen]

Hello quince,

I'm so sorry to hear that!

A specialist isn't the same as a psychologist, and if she does want to refer you on, it's because she genuinely cares for your welfare and wants you to have the best treatment. You're most definitely not a nuisance. I can understand why you feel that way, but the thing is, you focused on issues that were important to you. That's why she's referring you to someone who is better placed to help you. If you had talked about issues within her scope of expertise, you're hardly doing justice to yourself since you're limiting yourself from receiving the help you need.

Starting with someone new will certainly take effort but the path to recovery is never easy. If it helps, do vent out your thoughts and frustrations in this space, but please don't give up on getting the appropriate treatment for yourself.

Take care,
M

[InhaleExhale]

Hi Quince,

Sorry to hear about your psychologist, the journey to recovery is definitely a hard one with many setbacks. It's certainly so emotionally difficult to start again with a new therapist and developing that relationship from scratch all over again. I can definitely sympathise with you and anyone else who has gone through this.

You are definitely not a nuisance to her schedule and I’m sure she doesn’t believe anything like that. We are listening to you and I hope you are feeling heard.

Maybe have a think about how seeing someone who specialises in eating disorders might be a good thing. They would probably have greater insight into how your feeling and what is useful to assist you. They might help you recover faster than you would have otherwise.

Let us know how you are travelling.

InhaleExhale.

[quince]

Thanks @Emmen and @InhaleExhale for your replies.

The morning after my last post, I got an email from my psychologist basically saying she'd thought about it overnight and changed her mind, and that I should keep seeing her for a while. Understandably I was feeling pretty annoyed and like I didn't just want to take her back (somewhat like an actual break-up, right?!), after she'd come out with how she didn't think she could help me.

But she's spoken to my GP, and he agrees that I should continue with her. I'm quite looking forward to my GP appointment Monday so I can get some answers.

Either way, I'm grateful that I have some professionals looking out for me. I kind of think it's way over the top, and if I wasn't so shit, I could just move on from all of this and live normally. But I also see the judgement and self-criticism there, so maybe I do need help. What a confusing thing mental illness is hey.

Thanks again for your support.

x quince

[quince]

Hi mates.

Think I just need to vent a few thoughts.

I just saw my GP and I don't qualify for the medicare ED plan, which is good because I'm not objectively unwell enough, but also completely defeating because I have to continue seeing both my psych and GP every 2-3 weeks each and that is not a cheap exercise. I suppose it's a bit of a motivator to keep pushing and get well.

I got quite emotional with my GP, which never ever happens, but he was really lovely. I'm so tired of trying and putting in effort and planning meals and I just want it all to stop and go away. I want someone to hug me, and look after me but there's just no one to do that for me at the moment. It has to be me taking care of myself and being self compassionate which is frustrating because my default is being awful to myself.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

x quince.

[Emmen]

Oh quince, a huge virtual hug for you. I know it's not the same as having someone there by your side, but I hope it helps anyway. You're supported in this forum and we care for your wellbeing.

It's an exhausting exercise and it's okay to feel down now and then. You're incredibly strong to have started on this path of recovery and I'm sure you have it in you to continue on this journey.

How do you feel today?

- M

[InhaleExhale]

Hi Quince,

So, your psychologist has done a backflip. That’s super confusing and not very helpful for you. I’m wondering if you are happy to continue seeing them and whether you think their treatment has been helpful. If it’s not an immediate yes, I want you to know that there are other options out there. I understand that it’s really hard to start with someone new and also difficult to make these decisions when you are not feeling well. Do you know about the butterfly foundation? They have a webchat and phone line, they might be able to help you further in your mental health journey. Let me know what you think. https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/how-we-help/

On the finance side of things, yes these appointments are expensive. I definitely sympathise with that. If you are interested in moving to a different GP, look for one that is bulk-billing in your area (aka free), a good method might be asking the receptionist of a bulk-billing clinic if they can recommend a GP for mental health. These are just some thoughts I have had while reading your posts. Don’t feel pressured to take up any of them.

It would definitely be helpful to have someone, a friend or family member to help look after you during this difficult time. It sucks that you don’t have that. You sound exhausted, if I could, I would give you a hug. I know healthy eating is important for mental health, but even in my best mental state I hate shopping, planning meals and cooking. I try not to put too much pressure on myself to do this because I think it just makes things worse. I don’t know if you are the same?

I think it’s fantastic that your aware it’s important for you to be self-compassionate but that you tend to act the opposite way. Noticing when you are being awful to yourself is really difficult because it requires a lot of insight and mindfulness of your thoughts. They say to try to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same position. Most people are much more critical of themselves than others. It’s great to see that you are positive about feeling better in the future as well. I’d love to hear how you are going now.

InhaleExhale.

[quince]

@Emmen - Thanks so much for your lovely words. I've been able to reflect a little bit, and can see now that this week has been a convergence of a whole lot of mildly stressful events that have stacked up to make me feel quite anxious and overwhelmed. I had a terrible work shift Saturday, moved into a share-house Sunday, had the difficult GP appointment Monday, and then realised how completely behind I am with uni work. I've been able to notice though that anyone might feel overwhelmed in the same situation, so I'm doing a good job and trying not to put too much pressure on myself to have it all together.

@InhaleExhale - Thanks for such a thoughtful response. It is tricky on the psychologist front. I don't feel like we're the best match ever, but certainly not the worst either. My GP and she decided that it would likely be more traumatic for me to be accessing a specialist environment where I would be confronted with people a lot more unwell than I am, so it's best for me to continue as I am, and perhaps add a dietician to the mix if I can't do it by myself. I really love my GP, so I just have to budget for these regular appointments.

I have told one friend about my current situation, and she's great - her sister deals with anorexia, so she's really understanding. She has a young baby though so I'm aware of not dumping too much on her. My partner is great too, but we're living in separate countries at the moment. I have a lot of support, but sometimes just need a hug, know know? I'm feeling a lot better at this end of the week, so hopefully that vibe continues.

*

I weighed myself the other day, which I'm not really encouraged to do. I was not super-pleased with what I saw, and have probably been feeling a lot like I want my weight to go down again. It's really confusing, but I feel like I don't want to let this go. I know all the reasons I need to be healthy, and weight/body shape is really something I don't place a lot of value on in relation to what really matters most to me. But somehow I feel like really pushing against that to keep myself here.

Just some thoughts. Actually I could probably refer back to these rambles before appointments so I can articulate my thoughts a bit better.

Hope everyone is well, and thanks again for your support.

x quince

[InhaleExhale]

Hey Quince,

You’re welcome. It’s great to hear back from you.

You’re right, all of the things you’ve been doing would definitely create a lot of stress and emotion for anyone, moving house, difficult appointments and trying to keep up with uni work while also doing paid work as well! If you’re working as an essential worker or in a customer service roll during covid, tensions are definitely high. How are you finding your new place and your housemates?

I’m glad to hear that you trust your GP, definitely keep seeing them if possible. Your friend sounds like a real gem and your partner too. Although it must be so hard to have your partner in a separate country. I hope you have reached out to them recently to let them know how you’re going. It seems like you are doing really well managing everything that is going on for you at the moment. I hope your positive vibe is continuing this week.

I’d encourage you to mention to your GP or psych about weighing yourself and how you are feeling about that. It sounds like on one hand, you want to lose weight and you’re having trouble letting go of those thoughts, on the other hand, you just want to be healthy and don’t personally value whatever the number on the scale is or what body shape you have. Is this right?

Society often tells us that we need to look a certain way and should always be achieving the thin ideal, it’s so hard to let go of those ideas because we want to fit in. Then there are those conflicting values that we should love ourselves so matter what. So, I guess, which one is it? Rambling is a great way to sort out your thoughts and ideas, I think. Now I’m rambling.

*Sending hugs*

InhaleExhale.

[quince]

Thanks InhaleExhale. I mentioned the weighing to my GP and we've agreed that I probably need to avoid scales completely. On that though, at my appointment on Monday I guess my weight had gone down again, which isn't a surprise. In his words "the last two weeks have been a fricking disaster". We talked about needing to acknowledge that all of this stuff has been useful for me to cope with things, but that it's no longer adaptive. Seems easier said than done.

I'm feeling pretty shit today. Yesterday I had a small-regular amount of food until I finished work about 10pm - then I started snacking on leftover bread and hummus and things, and we all sat down together to drink wine and eat some spare cakes I had made. I ate more than I was okay with, and then went home and ate two handfuls of walnuts, two of sultanas, and a piece of toast with honey. And drank the majority of a bottle of wine. I don't even know if this is a lot of food, but it was like 2am. I was FaceTiming with my sister so it seemed okay. But then I was so mad at myself, like "I hate you so much", and made myself purge (which I'm not supposed to be doing anymore), harmed myself a bit because somehow it feels like I have to, and then really really wanted to more. I didn't, but my mind often goes there when I'm not feeling good. The intention is never to die either. I think its just a combination of knowing it's bad for me and is going to cause me some harm, and just wanting to sleep for a very long time and not have deal with myself.

This is such a pattern for me at the moment, and I'm tired and frustrated and I don't have the time to have mornings like this where I feel physically and mentally shit. I have so much uni reading to do today but all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

Sorry for being so negative. I'm just tired.

I'm drinking a peppermint tea and I'll push this all aside and get on with my day. I just wish I didn't have to.

x quince

[Sophie_M]

Hi quince, 

Thanks for reaching out today. We're sorry to hear that you're feeling this way today and that it's a pattern for you at the moment. We can hear that this is exhausting and frustrating and we understand that you're coping with a lot at the moment. Please know that our community is here for you and that there is support available to you. You're not alone in this. 

There is an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which we would strongly recommend to you. The Butterfly Foundation offers support for eating disorders and body image issues - https://butterfly.org.au/

You might also be interested in taking a look at some of the Beyond Blue online resources:

• "Self harm and self injury" - 
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...
• “Create your Beyond Now safety plan” -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-...

We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments like the one you have described, you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here and keeping us updated on your journey whenever you're feeling up to it. We hope that you have found something enjoyable to do with the rest of your day.