Would talking to a psychologist help me feel better?

[lp1379-3906dx]

Sorry if this turns out incoherent, like most people I find it very hard to begin talking about myself.

I am 24 years old and I think I might have problems but I'm very nervous about seeing a GP. I feel like rather than having problems, I could be exaggerating or making excuses to/pitying myself. I'm also unfamiliar with this stuff since where I came from (I am currently an international student, for some reason, I find this difficult to admit), we didn't have a very coherent health care system, and mental health is an extremely foreign concept.

Throughout my life, I have not made a single friend. I did have a close "friend" during the time I was 16 to 21, when I was in the UK, but she was...not good, and pretty much made that entire period very...terrible for me; which was the reason why I burned the bridge, even though it was the only social connection I've ever had. I've had no real relationship and sex always made me feel bad afterwards.

I also do not feel good about my family. We do not get along and my parents have always made the case that I "was born with a bad/deficit personality" since my childhood. Bad things always happen when I spend time with family. My mother is very stressed, being the sole financial provider as well as carer; she's unhappy as she hasn't been treated well at all since the day of marriage. It is basically a typical bad East Asian family. She projects a lot of her negative feelings on me.

My experience with both school and work was not too happy, either. I was always bullied and an outcast at school (when I told my parents they repeatedly scolded me as they thought it was my fault). I was unable to study the fields I was interested in, as my parents used several methods to force me to study what they wanted for me. It was something I was really bad at. Unlike most people, I could never quite get over it, and by the time I was in my second year in university, I was failing several subjects and had become a complete shut-in. I sometimes tried to go to class but I always felt extreme pain whenever I was reaching for the doorknob. It was so difficult that I just kept resigning myself to staying inside my room. I landed an office job after graduation, again I was completely withdrawn from everybody and received many complaints about my inability to socialise.

Currently, I'm having troubles that would be catastrophic if my family knew, I'm scared. It takes me many hours to get up, showering and eating feel like an effort.

[Starwolf]

Well LP, it's been quite a ride, hasn't it ? No wonder you are feeling emotionally wounded and overwhelmed... particularly when you have been left to face it all on your own, with little understanding and no support. It is difficult to cope with your parents' personal issues and a cultural background which is so different from your present context.

First of all, well done for finding the courage to reach out and share your story. Fear not, you are coming across very clearly.

The good news is you don't have to continue struggling alone. I suggest you have a talk with a GP to begin with. If you find face to face communication too daunting, you can write down what you have shared here and hand it over for the doctor to read. S/he can refer you to a counselor or therapist to help you find your feet again. Mental/emotional conditions are medical conditions and should be regarded and treated as such. Nothing to do with a deficient personality or weakness of character. At some stage, your parents would be given the opportunity to learn more about what causes you pain and distress and how they could help. Most parents want the best for their children. It would be good if a professional mediator could help yours understand that imposing their chosen future on their son is doing damage.

Things can and will get better but a few brave decisions must be made to set off the healing process.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find info that will help you figure what it is you are up against. In the "Facts" section, there is an Anxiety/Depression checklist.

Navigating the forums will let you know that you are far from alone. They're a safe place to share, connect or just unload some of the overload weighing you down.

These suggestions are just a starting point. We'll be here to support and cheer you on as you need it, if you need it.

Good to have you on board.

[Tiffany1]

I feel we are cut of the same cloth lp1379-3906dx. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you can try to do small things that make you feel good! Like even just talking on this forum hopefully is helpful in some capacity!

I come from a very conservative Chinese family, so I understand how East Asians seem to not understand that mental health issues exist, and any kind of failure is seen as literally the worst thing ever.

I'm lucky to have a mum who somewhat attempts to understand my condition, but she's also the sole provider of my family and she's often stressed out. And I'm lucky enough that both my mum and dad were fine with me pursuing an artistic career, although, that's not really turned out great for me. lol

I think being able to have agency in your life, and being allowed to make mistakes is important for feeling happy and in control. A lot of people I know (even if they haven't been pressured to choose the subject) do take a break from university, or change courses. They work at retail, childcare, wait tables or open an online business selling their own art. That's an option to take, but of course for your family that would be the opposite of prestigious. But I encourage you to be daring, perhaps once they see you can make it on your own, they'll be more inclined to let you have more freedom.

As for mental health, talk to a GP about mental healthcare professionals in the area and they can put you onto the mental healthcare plan which entitles you to (i think) 10 free sessions with a professional. I've made use of the services my university provides (also free for students), check on the uni website if they've got anything under the topic of "student services" or "counseling".

I think any normal person would be unhappy in your situation, I'm glad you've found it within yourself to find help, even if it is through the internet. I find talking to someone face to face helps.

I have no clue how to make friends, I've been bullied myself. I mean, of course. I'm Chinese in Australia, of course I got bullied. Try to talk to people about small subjects, don't expect to find a great connection immediately. Join a uni club, part time work, watch movies with acquaintances. You'll find your true friends in time, and it will become easier once you're happier and more "yourself".

Please eat well and take care of yourself in the meantime. This will definitely be a ongoing battle, so understand it's ok to feel terrible, and you deserve to feel a lot better.

[lp1379-3906dx]

Starwolf, thank you for your kind words and support. I know my family want the best for me. To be honest, I'm still not sure if my constant retreat is an emotional issue or really just me being incompetent and looking for excuses for being lazy and running away from my actual problems. But I will see a GP about it like you suggested. I am terrible at verbal communication terrible at spoken communication (I can never express what I mean, and half of the time I have troubles making out what people say, no matter the language), but taking my time to write like this on the forum makes me have an idea of what to say, at least.

Tiffany, thank you for your encouragement. It must have been tough for you too. Growing up as a diaspora must have been a confusing experience, and pursuing an artistic career is a brave decision.
What you said about making mistakes make sense to me. I feel like I'm too old to undo the things that shape me.

My undergrad results were not good enough for the "prestigious" postgrad degree my parents desire, so I (unbeknownst to them) took another course at the same university, hoping to transfer later, but my results have not been good enough, mostly due to an exam I missed (and also missed the period to apply for a replacement). I am considering options to extend my visa now, as I still intend to apply for permanent residency later. My parents pressure me everyday about PR and I feel terrible when I get their calls, unfortunately I cannot let them know the academic (and as a result, visa) troubles I am having. I'm sure I will work something out, it is just a bit sad.

[Starwolf]

Hi LP,

Thank you for your feedback and also for sharing more insight into your situation.

Kudos to you for taking the proactive approach, a courageous and wise decision. You deserve to take good care of yourself, regain quality of life and peace of mind.

Relating to some of your distress comes easy to me. I too am an "import". My parents also put a lot of pressure on me to perform in academic areas towards which I had no inclination. This inability/unwillingness to achieve can play havoc with our emotional world. It erodes our sense of self-identity and confidence.

Social isolation is a common by-product of mental unrest. When communication breaks down (or doesn't exist) at home, it affects our inability to connect and communicate with others. We can easily become scared of being misunderstood or ignored because this is what is happening on the home front. So we'd rather avoid it.

Of course it sets us off on a vicious circle...as there is no building friendship without putting ourselves out there and mingling. Hiding in corners can only reinforce the false belief that we are hopeless and unlovable. But I am here to let you know that with the right approach, help and support, things can and will improve. Small steps in the chosen direction are the way to go. Flogging ourselves along only creates extra stress.

Please keep in mind that this Life was given to you to fulfill YOUR expectations, pursue YOUR interests and realize YOUR potential. This will make it a lot easier to become successful in whatever YOU choose to do. For most parents, the priority is to see their children are happy and well adjusted.

I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you go.

My thoughts are with you.

[lp1379-3906dx]

Thank you for taking your time to converse with me. I think I understand at least some of the struggles you have been through, it is really amazing how you are dedicated to helping others now.

I was able to talk to a GP today and the conversation went well, I really owe you for the encouragement. He said I have depression, I wonder if I really do... Anyway, I would love to schedule more appointments, but on his next available date my mother has asked me to accompany her on vacation and after that both he and I will be away, so it will unfortunate have to be February...

Or I could tell my mum I cannot make it, but I wonder if that is too selfish or if it is worth it...

Speaking of losing the sense of self-identity and confidence, I don't know if this is really related but...I was really dedicated to (how typical) art and design, then I started doing freelance work and hobby art for years, I could not stop, but it made me increasingly unhappy. So by the time I started working full-time, I sort of "rewinded" my thinking, quitted completely and was able to be generally satisfied. However, I also picked up a huge variety of interests while not seriously pursuing any, and it increasingly makes me feel bad.

For example, I started reading a lot on theoretical physics and inspired my younger brother to study it (he loves it), and our parents let him. I thought I'd be happy about it, but instead I just feel sad whenever I don't understand what he is saying, which is kind of all the time now. I developed powerful feeling of inferiority regarding myself and admiration towards anyone vested in a skill or field of knowledge.

I hope all of this talking will not just be a brief episode of me running away from immediate responsibilities again.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi LP
Ok .. Firstly i want to say that you might be terrible at verbal communication but you certainly are not terrible at expressing yourself in writing. You write really clearly about your situation.

I think maybe many of your problems with people stem from the lack of self belief .. I mean its pretty hard to make friends if you don’t believe there is anything good about you that anyone would actually want.

Self belief or self esteem often comes from early experiences.. Our self view is often shaped by what we are told about ourselves by our parents and other early caregivers. If your parents told you regularly that you had a " bad/ deficit personality” and bullying was your fault , its no wonder that you are finding it hard to find your own self worth, never mind believing that someone else could find it!

This is the job of a good therapist .. to help you rebuild it.

You also speak about your mothers negative feelings being “projected “ onto you, and I feel there is again a habit of thinking that can be learned in our childhoods that can be very unhelpful . Negative thinking is a way of viewing the world with its own common “beliefs” and “shoulds”. I’m not trying to blame your mum for everything but I am trying to help you understand that its not all your “fault” that you have patterns of thinking or beliefs in your head.

It would be a good exercise in therapy to work out what are the negative thinking patterns that get stuck in your head ? And how can you challenge it . (Eg “Things will never get better” .. challenge it with “Am I catastrophising here? Am I filtering information ? ...blocking out info that points to the possibility that things might change?)

Low self esteem and depression often go hand in hand so speaking to a GP on campus or in the community is a great start on your road to living YOUR life , not the life imagined for you by your parents.

[lp1379-3906dx]

Dr Kim, thank you so much for your concern and support.

Compared to the past, I've already gotten a lot more satisfied with the person that I am, or at least with my presentation to the world.

I am trying to sort my formal problems out, I have very little idea about how I am going to get out of all of those, but I do hope things will settle. Meanwhile, I want to be emotionally well enough to not black out.

[Starwolf]

Hi LP,

It seems you're on the right track.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed, please keep in mind that the best way to cope with a complex problem is to break it into small pieces and deal with those one at the time.

Right now, the priority is to take good care of yourself, work through the issues which stop you from moving forward. The rest will follow as you gradually reclaim your identity (independent from other people's expectations) and the self-confidence which goes with it. It will not be an easy journey and your parents will also find it difficult to release control over your life. Love and respect for each other will make it easier. It will be well worth the effort in the long term.

In the past, you have bravely burnt the bridge and moved on from someone you knew wasn't good for you. This shows you have inner strength and the ability to look after your own needs. You are entitled to those. There's no way you can look after those around you if you are unhappy within yourself.

Here for you.